Selby's Stardom

by Duncan Ball

  ‘Deenie, Deenie, don’t be like that,’ the director pleaded. ‘It’s only a little change.’

  ‘The dog dies or I quit!’ Dino screamed.

  ‘Please, Dino, be reasonable. Look, I don’t want to change it either but Izzy wants it,’ Artie said.

  ‘You said that he was going to leave us alone.’

  ‘What can I do? He’s the guy who pays the bills. And if you quit you won’t get paid your thirty million dollars.’

  ‘Thirty million dollars!’ Bonnie screamed. ‘I’m only getting twenty-five million! That’s not fair. And I agree — Selby has to die or the story just won’t work. Why is it that every movie I work on starts off okay and then everything goes crazy? Well I quit too!’

  ‘Dino,’ Artie said, ‘Russell and Mel are both dying to play your part in this film.’

  ‘Are they really?’

  ‘Yes, they are. And Gwyneth and Nicole are fighting over your part, Bonnie. So you two can quit if you want to but I’d think about it if I were you. Now go back to your trailers and cool off. Mr Fureel is going to get back to us on the story changes.’

  Bonnie looked over at Selby. Selby walked up to her expecting to be swept up in her arms and taken back to the luxury of her trailer. Instead, she just glared at him.

  ‘This is all your fault!’ she said and she stormed off.

  ‘Yeah, get out of here before I really run you over!’ Dino said.

  ‘Get lost! dog,’ the director said.

  ‘Hey, what did I do?’ Selby thought. ‘Okay, so I know what I did, but you don’t know what I did so don’t be nasty to me.’

  That evening Selby lay in his tiny dog house trailer secretly reading and re-reading a copy of the script that he’d found on the set.

  ‘What if Artie is right?’ he said. ‘What if the only reason I’m in the story is to get killed? I wish I knew how to change things and make a better story. Only I’m not a writer.’

  Selby got up to pace around but his doghouse trailer was too small so he lay down again.

  ‘I know,’ he thought. ‘I’ll ring Duncan and see what he says.’

  Selby crept out into the darkened office and rang the children’s book author Duncan Ball and told him what had happened.

  ‘I need your help,’ Selby pleaded.

  ‘Okay, so what’s the movie about?’ Duncan asked.

  Selby told him everything.

  ‘From what you’ve told me,’ Duncan said, ‘the dog’s got to die or the story doesn’t work.’

  ‘What about another story where I don’t die? Can you think of anything?’

  ‘Sorry, Selby, I can’t. You’re the one who tells me stories and I only write them down, remember? I hate making up stories. I think you’ll just have to make up your own story and it’s going to have to be completely different from the one you told me. But give it a go. What have you got to lose?’

  ‘Nothing, I guess.’

  ‘I read a book on movies once,’ Duncan said. ‘It was called something about making movies and getting rich.’

  ‘Make Movies and Get Rich: 101 Easy Rules,’ Selby said. ‘I love that book!’

  ‘Well, do you remember Rule Number 5? It says that if you’re going to be a writer then you should only write about what you know.’

  ‘But all I know about is being a talking dog who’s keeping it a secret.’

  ‘Well, then I can’t help you. Sorry, Selby.’

  The second after he put the phone down Selby suddenly had an idea so astounding that it took his breath away.

  ‘I’ve got it!’ he thought. ‘This movie is going to be about me — about a dog who knows how to talk but is keeping it a secret! There will be lots of little adventures and one big adventure at the end where he saves the town. And I can play me! It’s brilliant!’

  Selby grabbed a laptop from the office and crept back to his trailer. All night long he pecked away at the keyboard. Early in the morning he rang Artie Schotz and told him about the new script.

  ‘A talking dog!’ Artie screamed. ‘But Mr Fureel, that’s silly!’

  ‘Not as silly as you think,’ Selby said, in his gravelliest voice. ‘Hey, where are we, Artie? We’re in Movieland. We make movie magic. We want dogs to talk, we make ‘em talk. Movies are all silly, dat’s what makes ‘em fun. Now if you don’t want to direct …’

  ‘I’ll direct it, Mr Fureel,’ Artie sighed. ‘You know I will. But where will I get a talking dog?’

  ‘You’ve already got him.’

  ‘Who? Selby? I’m beginning to hate that mutt!’

  ‘All right, that’s it. You’re out of there! If you’re gunna talk like that about that lovable pooch —’

  ‘Okay, okay, Mr Fureel. But how do we get him to talk, computer animation?’

  ‘Forget the fancy stuff, Artie. When the dog has lines to say, give him a dog biscuit or something. He’ll chew the food and move his kisser. We’ll dub the voice later.’

  ‘So what do we do with Bonnie and Dino? Mr Fureel.’

  ‘My rewrite guy solved that. I’ll email the first couple of scenes to you right now.’

  From Selby’s tiny trailer he could hear Artie telling Bonnie and Dino about the new scenes.

  ‘Bonnie,’ the director said, ‘your part has changed. Selby is still your dog but now you’re the mayor of a town called Bogusville. Isn’t that great?’

  ‘What does she look like?’ Bonnie said icily.

  ‘Remember the real mayor of that place Bogusville? Just like her.’

  ‘But she’s old and she’s got grey hair and she’s fat! I’m young! I’m beautiful!’ Bonnie wailed. ‘I’ll lose all my fans!’

  ‘Calm down, Bonnie,’ Artie said. ‘Your fans won’t even recognise you. If they do they’ll think you’re very brave to play this part.’

  ‘They will?’

  ‘Trust me,’ Artie said. ‘Now Dino, you’re a character called Dr Trifle and you’re married to Bonnie’s character, Mrs Trifle.’

  ‘I don’t believe this,’ Dino said. ‘I saw that guy when we were making A Binding Friendship. He’s weird. He’s got all these crazy inventions.’

  ‘But an interesting man,’ Artie Schotz said. ‘This isn’t a star’s movie. This is a real story. It’s got warmth and humour and heart.’

  ‘But does it have truth?’ Bonnie asked. ‘Good films always have truth.’

  ‘Yes, Selby, the Talking Dog has got truth. This could be up for an Academy Award.’

  ‘Selby, the Talking Dog?’ Dino said. ‘So now that mongrel’s going to be the star of the movie?’

  ‘And so I should be,’ Selby thought. ‘And so I should be.’

  Selby spent the next few nights secretly writing his scenes. During the days Artie Schotz filmed them.

  At first the stars were furious.

  ‘This is ridiculous!’ Dino complained. ‘Izzy Fureel has lost his marbles! Does he seriously think that anyone is going to see a movie about a talking dog who goes to Mars?’

  ‘And to the bottom of the sea?’ Bonnie added. ‘And whose reflection comes out of a mirror, for heaven’s sake!’

  But as the days wore on, the actors slowly began to like the scenes that Selby was writing.

  ‘This movie’s starting to grow on me,’ Dino admitted. ‘In some crazy way, it’s kind of cute. I’m even beginning to warm to the little dog. I think we might be onto a winner.’

  ‘I think it’s going to be a winner,’ Bonnie said, as she readjusted her grey wig. ‘I’m already looking forward to making Selby, the Talking Dog Two, Three and Four.’

  ‘Oh, this is great!’ Selby thought. ‘I’m the writer and I’m the star too. But, hang on, I don’t feel like a star. I wonder what it feels like to be a star. Hmmm.’

  The next day a huge trailer arrived on the set. Bonnie and Dino both thought it must have been for them.

  ‘Who’s that for?’ Bonnie asked Artie.

  ‘Mr Fureel asked me to order it for Selby.’

  ‘You’re joking
!’ Dino exploded. ‘It’s twice as long as mine! The man has really lost it now!’

  ‘Wait till you hear that Selby is to have his own personal chef,’ the director said.

  ‘A chef?’ Bonnie said. ‘What’s the chef going to cook, dog food?’

  ‘No, that’s the funny thing. Mr Fureel wants Selby to eat what he called “people-food” — especially a dish called “peanut prawns”.’

  ‘I’ve never heard of it,’ Dino said.

  ‘Neither have I but he’s emailing me the recipe. And I’m supposed to get the press in and take lots of photos of Selby on the set.’

  ‘Oh, I get it,’ Bonnie said. ‘This Izzy guy isn’t as dumb as I thought. He wants to make Selby famous. You know that book Make Movies and Get Rich: 101 Easy Rules?’

  Dino and Artie nodded their heads. They had both obviously read the book.

  ‘Rule Number 97 was “Get lots of publicity for the movie while it’s being made. Then people will flock to see it.”’

  For the next weeks, Selby kept writing scenes at night and acting them out the next day. Artie obviously thought Rule Number 97 was a good one because he let hundreds of reporters and photographers onto the set to interview the actors and take pictures.

  ‘What is it like working with a dog?’ one of them asked.

  ‘It’s a real test of my skills as an actor,’ Dino said. ‘Dogs are very difficult to work with. It takes every ounce of my talent to make the dog look good.’

  ‘Dino’s right,’ Bonnie added. ‘You can never tell what Selby might throw at us. It keeps us on our toes. But we’re top-notch actors and can handle any situation.’

  ‘And Mr Schotz, what’s it like to direct a dog?’

  ‘It’s very difficult, of course, but I’ve spent years planning every scene in this movie to make sure that nothing will go wrong.’

  Once everyone had gotten used to the idea of a different movie, things settled down a bit and even Bonnie and Dino started being nice to each other. Every evening, Bonnie and Dino hung around Selby’s trailer, talking, watching movies on his super-large TV screen, and eating platters of peanut prawns as Selby lay nearby on his big round bed.

  ‘This is nice,’ Selby thought. ‘I think I could do this forever. I only wish the Trifles were here too.’

  Finally the filming came to an end. It was all there: a series of stories about Selby, a brave country dog who gets into terrible situations but always manages to escape. And he always managed to keep his secret a secret.

  The director put all the bits and pieces of film together and got someone to write the music for the soundtrack. There was only one thing missing.

  ‘Who’s going to do Selby’s voice?’ Bonnie asked.

  ‘I thought I’d do that myself,’ Artie said. ‘I used to be an actor, after all.’

  Selby sat in the little theatre at the studio with the other actors watching as they played back the movie. Artie put on a silly, squeaky voice to say Selby’s lines.

  ‘But that’s nothing like my voice!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s all silly and squeaky. I don’t sound like that. If only I could do my own voice it would be so much better.’

  ‘It’s a wrap,’ the director said, finally. ‘We’ve got the film together and we’ve got the voices on tape. Tomorrow everything can go off to the lab.’

  That night, Selby couldn’t sleep.

  ‘I can’t let the film go out like this,’ he thought, as he crept out of his trailer.

  Selby made his way to the darkened editing room and turned on the lights. He had one last look out the door to make sure that everyone else was safely asleep and then rolled the film.

  Bit by bit, Selby recorded his voice on the tape over Artie’s voice until he got to the end.

  The next morning everyone said their goodbyes and the film went off to be made into lots of copies. Everyone, including Selby, was sad to see the end of the filming and as he sat on the plane back to Australia he looked out of the window and blinked back a tear.

  Months later Dr and Mrs Trifle saw Selby, the Talking Dog at the Bogusville Bijou Theatre and loved it.

  ‘It’s great to see what these movie people can do,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It really is magic the way they made Selby look like he was talking. There was only one thing they got seriously wrong.’

  ‘What was that?’ Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘They made Bonnie Blake look so much older and greyer and fatter than I am. I’m sure I don’t look anything like that.’

  ‘No, of course you don’t, dear,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘But they did get some things right because I just heard on the radio that Selby, the Talking Dog has been nominated for some of those Academy Award things.’

  ‘Has it really? What a surprise!’

  ‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby thought. ‘My first film — my very own film — might win an Oscar!’

  ‘The producer was very surprised,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Apparently he didn’t even know that the movie he was paying for was called Selby, the Talking Dog. And the director was angry at first because the sound lab ruined the voice-over he did of Selby’s voice. But apparently he likes it now and thinks it sounds okay. But the best news of all is that Selby’s been nominated for the Best Actor Award.’

  ‘Best actor?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Goodness me, I’ve never heard of a dog being nominated for one of those before.’

  ‘Neither have I,’ thought Selby. ‘This is soooooo exciting!’

  When Selby arrived at the Academy Awards theatre, hundreds of photographers snapped pictures of him as soon as he stepped out of his limousine, wearing sunglasses, a long coat, and even a bow tie that the studio had sent him.

  Mrs Trifle wore a lovely ball gown that she’d made out of two of her old floral frocks. She carried a huge bunch of pansies that she’d picked from her own garden just for the occasion.

  The invitation to the awards said that men had to wear dark suits. Dr Trifle didn’t have a dark suit. But he did have an old light-coloured suit that he dyed black using his newly invented suit-dying liquid. Sadly, he left black smudges on everyone and everything he bumped up against — including Mrs Trifle. But, being Dr Trifle, he didn’t notice.

  Selby and the Trifles sat in the front row of the theatre as the hours passed and the awards were given out. Bonnie Blake won the award for Best Actress in a Supporting Role and thanked everybody — especially Selby.

  Finally the time for the presentation of the Best Actor award drew near. Artie Schotz opened the envelope.

  ‘I can’t possibly win,’ Selby thought as he felt his heart beating in his chest. ‘I’m up against five other actors and they’re all super famous.’

  ‘And the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to …’

  Everyone held their breath as Artie opened the envelope and read out the name on the card.

  ‘… Selby Trifle!’

  ‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby gasped. Suddenly everyone was standing and clapping. ‘What’s happening to me?’ Selby thought. ‘I’m really happy but suddenly I feel like crying. I love this! I love this!’

  Selby was lead up to the stage so that everyone could get a good look at him.

  ‘This is it,’ he thought. ‘I’ve kept my secret a secret long enough. I always knew that a time would come when I should tell my secret. I think that time is finally here. Keeping my secret a secret any longer would be like lying to all these wonderful people. I just have to do it. And I have to thank the Trifles in front of the whole world.’

  As they were about to lead Selby back to his seat, he suddenly stood on his hind legs and put his paws over the podium.

  ‘I’d like to say a few words,’ he started.

  Suddenly there was silence followed by shrieks and other sorts of screams. Dr and Mrs Trifle jumped to their feet and gasped, ‘He can talk!’

  ‘Yes, I can talk,’ Selby said. ‘I’ve been able to talk for years. Don’t ask me how it happened because I don’t understand it myself. I’ll tell you about that later, okay?
First of all I’d like to thank all the wonderful people who worked on Selby, the Talking Dog. Thanks Bonnie. Thanks Dino. Thanks Artie. And a special thanks goes to Izzy.’

  As Selby talked there was a chorus of mumbling in the audience. The mumbling was followed by murmuring and the murmuring was followed by muttering.

  ‘But most of all,’ Selby said, raising his voice so he could be heard over the noise. ‘Most of all, I’d like to thank those dear, sweet people, the Trifles. I can’t tell you how much I love you two. You are the kindest, gentlest people in the whole world.’

  But the mumbling and murmuring and muttering was getting louder and louder — like when a teacher leaves a classroom. Soon there were screams of ‘How do they do it?!’

  ‘I get it!’ someone yelled. ‘This is more of Mr Fureel’s movie magic!’

  ‘Yes,’ someone else said. ‘It’s a laser image!’

  ‘No, no,’ cried Dr Trifle, ‘it’s a hologram. They’re projecting it on him.’

  ‘How marvellous!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed.

  There was a roar of laughter as Selby stood there for a moment longer.

  ‘What is this?’ he thought. ‘I finally tell people my secret and they don’t believe me. I guess that makes sense because they’re movie people. They wouldn’t know what’s real and what isn’t. Oh, well,’ Selby thought, as he made his way back to his seat, ‘at least I got to say what I’ve wanted to say all these years. And now I can keep it a secret and never feel guilty again!’

  Paw note: See ‘Selby’s Set-Up’ in Selby Surfs.

  Paw paw note: See ‘Selby’s Selling Spree’ in the book Selby Screams. S

  Paw note: Selby fell in love with Bonnie after that interview and you can read all about it in ‘Selby Lovestruck’ in Selby Snowbound. S

  It’s a Wrap!

  Acknowledgments

  The author would like to thank Vanessa Radnidge once again for the editing of this book. And thanks to the rest of the staff at HarperCollins and to all of the kids who have wirtten to Selby and Duncan by snail mail and email.