The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 1: (Jeeves & Wooster): No.1

by P. G. Wodehouse

  ‘Oh, that’s all right,’ I said. ‘No need to be alarmed. He’s simply in love with you.’

  ‘In love with me. Don’t be absurd.’

  ‘My dear old thing, you don’t know young Bingo. He can fall in love with anybody.’

  ‘Thank you!’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t mean it that way, you know. I don’t wonder at his taking to you. Why, I was in love with you myself once.’

  ‘Once? Ah! And all that remains now are the cold ashes? This isn’t one of your tactful evenings, Bertie.’

  ‘Well, my dear sweet thing, dash it all, considering that you gave me the bird and nearly laughed yourself into a permanent state of hiccoughs when I asked you –’

  ‘Oh, I’m not reproaching you. No doubt there were faults on both sides. He’s very good-looking, isn’t he?’

  ‘Good-looking? Bingo? Bingo good-looking? No, I say, come now, really!’

  ‘I mean, compared with some people,’ said Cynthia.

  Some time after this, Lady Wickhammersley gave the signal for the females of the species to leg it, and they duly stampeded. I didn’t get a chance of talking to young Bingo when they’d gone, and later, in the drawing-room, he didn’t show up. I found him eventually in his room, lying on the bed with his feet on the rail, smoking a toofah. There was a notebook on the counterpane beside him.

  ‘Hallo, old scream,’ I said.

  ‘Hallo, Bertie,’ he replied, in what seemed to me rather a moody, distrait sort of manner.

  ‘Rummy finding you down here. I take it your uncle cut off your allowance after that Goodwood binge and you had to take this tutoring job to keep the wolf from the door?’

  ‘Correct,’ said young Bingo tersely.

  ‘Well, you might have let your pals know where you were.’

  He frowned darkly.

  ‘I didn’t want them to know where I was. I wanted to creep away and hide myself. I’ve been through a bad time, Bertie, these last weeks. The sun ceased to shine –’

  ‘That’s curious. We’ve had gorgeous weather in London.’

  ‘The birds ceased to sing –’

  ‘What birds?’

  ‘What the devil does it matter what birds?’ said young Bingo, with some asperity. ‘Any birds. The birds round about here. You don’t expect me to specify them by their pet names, do you? I tell you, Bertie, it hit me hard at first, very hard.’

  ‘What hit you?’ I simply couldn’t follow the blighter.

  ‘Charlotte’s calculated callousness.’

  ‘Oh, ah!’ I’ve seen poor old Bingo through so many unsuccessful love-affairs that I’d almost forgotten there was a girl mixed up with that Goodwood business. Of course! Charlotte Corday Rowbotham. And she had given him the raspberry, I remembered, and gone off with Comrade Butt.

  ‘I went through torments. Recently, however, I’ve – er – bucked up a bit. Tell me, Bertie, what are you doing down here? I didn’t know you knew these people.’

  ‘Me? Why, I’ve known them since I was a kid.’

  Young Bingo put his feet down with a thud.

  ‘Do you mean to say you’ve known Lady Cynthia all that time?’

  ‘Rather! She can’t have been seven when I met her first.’

  ‘Good Lord!’ said young Bingo. He looked at me for the first time as though I amounted to something, and swallowed a mouthful of smoke the wrong way. ‘I love that girl, Bertie,’ he went on, when he’d finished coughing.

  ‘Yes. Nice girl, of course.’

  He eyed me with pretty deep loathing.

  ‘Don’t speak of her in that horrible casual way. She’s an angel. An angel! Was she talking about me at all at dinner, Bertie?’

  ‘Oh, yes.’

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘I remember one thing. She said she thought you good-looking.’

  Young Bingo closed his eyes in a sort of ecstasy. Then he picked up the notebook.

  ‘Pop off now, old man, there’s a good chap,’ he said in a hushed, far-away voice. ‘I’ve got a bit of writing to do.’

  ‘Writing?’

  ‘Poetry, if you must know. I wish the dickens,’ said young Bingo, not without some bitterness, ‘she had been christened something except Cynthia. There isn’t a dam’ word in the language it rhymes with. Ye gods, how I could have spread myself if she had only been called Jane!’

  Bright and early next morning, as I lay in bed blinking at the sunlight on the dressing-table and wondering when Jeeves was going to show up with a cup of tea, a heavy weight descended on my toes, and the voice of young Bingo polluted the air. The blighter had apparently risen with the lark.

  ‘Leave me,’ I said, ‘I would be alone. I can’t see anybody till I’ve had my tea.’

  ‘When Cynthia smiles,’ said young Bingo, ‘the skies are blue; the world takes on a roseate hue; birds in the garden trill and sing, and Joy is king of everything, when Cynthia smiles.’ He coughed, changing gears. ‘When Cynthia frowns –’

  ‘What the devil are you talking about?’

  ‘I’m reading you my poem. The one I wrote to Cynthia last night. I’ll go on, shall I?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘No?’

  ‘No. I haven’t had my tea.’

  At this moment Jeeves came in with the good old beverage, and I sprang on it with a glad cry. After a couple of sips things looked a bit brighter. Even young Bingo didn’t offend the eye to quite such an extent. By the time I’d finished the first cup I was a new man, so much so that I not only permitted but encouraged the poor fish to read the rest of the bally thing, and even went so far as to criticize the scansion of the fourth line of the fifth verse. We were still arguing the point when the door burst open and in blew Claude and Eustace. One of the things which discourages me about rural life is the frightful earliness with which events begin to break loose. I’ve stayed at places in the country where they’ve jerked me out of the dreamless at about six-thirty to go for a jolly swim in the lake. At Twing, thank heaven, they know me, and let me breakfast in bed.

  The twins seemed pleased to see me.

  ‘Good old Bertie!’ said Claude.

  ‘Stout fellow!’ said Eustace. ‘The Rev. told us you had arrived. I thought that letter of mine would fetch you.’

  ‘You can always bank on Bertie,’ said Claude. ‘A sportsman to the finger-tips. Well, has Bingo told you about it?’

  ‘Not a word. He’s been –’

  ‘We’ve been talking,’ said Bingo hastily, ‘of other matters.’

  Claude pinched the last slice of thin bread-and-butter, and Eustace poured himself out a cup of tea.

  ‘It’s like this, Bertie,’ said Eustace, settling down cosily. ‘As I told you in my letter, there are nine of us marooned in this desert spot, reading with old Heppenstall. Well, of course, nothing is jollier than sweating up the Classics when it’s a hundred in the shade, but there does come a time when you begin to feel the need of a little relaxation; and, by Jove, there are absolutely no facilities for relaxation in this place whatever. And then Steggles got this idea. Steggles is one of our reading-party, and, between ourselves, rather a worm as a general thing. Still, you have to give him credit for getting this idea.’

  ‘What idea?’

  ‘Well, you know how many parsons there are round about here. There are about a dozen hamlets within a radius of six miles, and each hamlet has a church and each church has a parson and each parson preaches a sermon every Sunday. Tomorrow week – Sunday the twenty-third – we’re running off the great Sermon Handicap. Steggles is making the book. Each parson is to be clocked by a reliable steward of the course, and the one that preaches the longest sermon wins. Did you study the race-card I sent you?’

  ‘I couldn’t understand what it was all about.’

  ‘Why, you chump, it gives the handicaps and the current odds on each starter. I’ve got another one here, in case you’ve lost yours. Take a careful look at it. It gives you the thing in a nutshell. Jeeves, old son, do you want a spor
ting flutter?’

  ‘Sir?’ said Jeeves, who had just meandered in with my breakfast.

  Claude explained the scheme. Amazing the way Jeeves grasped it right off. But he merely smiled in a paternal sort of way.

  ‘Thank you, sir, I think not.’

  ‘Well, you’re with us, Bertie, aren’t you?’ said Claude, sneaking a roll and a slice of bacon. ‘Have you studied that card? Well, tell me, does anything strike you about it?’

  Of course it did. It had struck me the moment I looked at it.

  ‘Why, it’s a sitter for old Heppenstall,’ I said. ‘He’s got the event sewed up in a parcel. There isn’t a parson in the land who could give him eight minutes. Your pal Steggles must be an ass, giving him a handicap like that. Why, in the days when I was with him, old Heppenstall never used to preach under half an hour, and there was one sermon of his on Brotherly Love which lasted forty-five minutes if it lasted a second. Has he lost his vim lately, or what is it?’

  ‘Not a bit of it,’ said Eustace. ‘Tell him what happened, Claude.’

  ‘Why,’ said Claude, ‘the first Sunday we were here, we all went to Twing church, and old Heppenstall preached a sermon that was well under twenty minutes. This is what happened. Steggles didn’t notice it, and the Rev. didn’t notice it himself, but Eustace and I both spotted that he had dropped a chunk of at least half a dozen pages out of his sermon-case as he was walking up to the pulpit. He sort of flickered when he got to the gap in the manuscript, but carried on all right, and Steggles went away with the impression that twenty minutes or a bit under was his usual form. The next Sunday we heard Tucker and Starkie, and they both went well over the thirty-five minutes, so Steggles arranged the handicapping as you see on the card. You must come into this, Bertie. You see, the trouble is that I haven’t a bean, and Eustace hasn’t a bean, and Bingo Little hasn’t a bean, so you’ll have to finance the syndicate. Don’t weaken! It’s just putting money in all our pockets. Well, we’ll have to be getting back now. Think the thing over, and phone me later in the day. And, if you let us down, Bertie, may a cousin’s curse – Come on, Claude, old thing.’

  The more I studied the scheme, the better it looked.

  ‘How about it, Jeeves?’ I said.

  Jeeves smiled gently, and drifted out.

  ‘Jeeves has no sporting blood,’ said Bingo.

  ‘Well, I have. I’m coming into this. Claude’s quite right. It’s like finding money by the wayside.’

  ‘Good man!’ said Bingo. ‘Now I can see daylight. Say I have a tenner on Heppenstall, and cop; that’ll give me a bit in hand to back Pink Pill with in the two o’clock at Gatwick the week after next; cop on that, put the pile on Musk-Rat for the one-thirty at Lewes, and there I am with a nice little sum to take to Alexandra Park on September the tenth, when I’ve got a tip straight from the stable.’

  It sounded like a bit out of Smiles’s Self-Help.

  ‘And then,’ said young Bingo, ‘I’ll be in a position to go to my uncle and beard him in his lair somewhat. He’s quite a bit of a snob, you know, and when he hears that I’m going to marry the daughter of an earl –’

  ‘I say, old man,’ I couldn’t help saying, ‘aren’t you looking ahead rather far?’

  ‘Oh, that’s all right. It’s true nothing’s actually settled yet, but she practically told me the other day she was fond of me.’

  ‘What!’

  ‘Well, she said that the sort of man she liked was the self-reliant, manly man with strength, good looks, character, ambition, and initiative.’

  ‘Leave me, laddie,’ I said. ‘Leave me to my fried egg.’

  Directly I’d got up I went to the phone, snatched Eustace away from his morning’s work, and instructed him to put a tenner on the Twing flier at current odds for each of the syndicate; and after lunch Eustace rang me up to say that he had done business at a snappy seven-to-one, the odds having lengthened owing to a rumour in knowledgeable circles that the Rev. was subject to hay-fever, and was taking big chances strolling in the paddock behind the Vicarage in the early mornings. And it was dashed lucky, I thought next day, that we had managed to get the money on in time, for on the Sunday morning old Heppenstall fairly took the bit between his teeth, and gave us thirty-six solid minutes on Certain Popular Superstitions. I was sitting next to Steggles in the pew, and I saw him blench visibly. He was a little rat-faced fellow, with shifty eyes and a suspicious nature. The first thing he did when he emerged into the open air was to announce, formally, that anyone who fancied the Rev. could now be accommodated at fifteen-to-eight on, and he added, in a rather nasty manner, that if he had his way, this sort of in-and-out running would be brought to the attention of the Jockey Club, but that he supposed that there was nothing to be done about it. This ruinous price checked the punters at once, and there was little money in sight. And so matters stood till just after lunch on Tuesday afternoon, when, as I was strolling up and down in front of the house with a cigarette, Claude and Eustace came bursting up the drive on bicycles, dripping with momentous news.

  ‘Bertie,’ said Claude, deeply agitated, ‘unless we take immediate action and do a bit of quick thinking, we’re in the cart.’

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘G. Hayward’s the matter,’ said Eustace morosely. ‘The Lower Bingley starter.’

  ‘We never even considered him,’ said Claude. ‘Somehow or other, he got overlooked. It’s always the way. Steggles overlooked him. We all overlooked him. But Eustace and I happened by the merest fluke to be riding through Lower Bingley this morning, and there was a wedding on at the church, and it suddenly struck us that it wouldn’t be a bad move to get a line on G. Hayward’s form, in case he might be a dark horse.’

  ‘And it was jolly lucky we did,’ said Eustace. ‘He delivered an address of twenty-six minutes by Claude’s stop-watch. At a village wedding, mark you! What’ll we do when he really extends himself!’

  ‘There’s only one thing to be done, Bertie,’ said Claude. ‘You must spring some more funds, so that we can hedge on Hayward and save ourselves.’

  ‘But –’

  ‘Well, it’s the only way out.’

  ‘But I say, you know, I hate the idea of all that money we put on Heppenstall being chucked away.’

  ‘What else can you suggest? You don’t suppose the Rev. can give this absolute marvel a handicap and win, do you?’

  ‘I’ve got it!’ I said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I see a way by which we can make it safe for our nominee. I’ll pop over this afternoon, and ask him as a personal favour to preach that sermon of his on Brotherly Love on Sunday.’

  Claude and Eustace looked at each other, like those chappies in the poem, with a wild surmise.

  ‘It’s a scheme,’ said Claude.

  ‘A jolly brainy scheme,’ said Eustace. ‘I didn’t think you had it in you, Bertie.’

  ‘But even so,’ said Claude, ‘fizzer as that sermon no doubt is, will it be good enough in the face of a four-minute handicap?’

  ‘Rather!’ I said. ‘When I told you it lasted forty-five minutes, I was probably understating it. I should call it – from my recollection of the thing – nearer fifty.’

  ‘Then carry on,’ said Claude.

  I toddled over in the evening and fixed the thing up. Old Heppenstall was most decent about the whole affair. He seemed pleased and touched that I should have remembered the sermon all these years, and said he had once or twice had an idea of preaching it again, only it had seemed to him, on reflection, that it was perhaps a trifle long for a rustic congregation.

  ‘And in these restless times, my dear Wooster,’ he said, ‘I fear that brevity in the pulpit is becoming more and more desiderated by even the bucolic churchgoer, who one might have supposed would be less afflicted with the spirit of hurry and impatience than his metropolitan brother. I have had many arguments on the subject with my nephew, young Bates, who is taking my old friend Spettigue’s cure over at Gandle-by-the-Hill. His
view is that a sermon nowadays should be a bright, brisk, straight-from-the shoulder address, never lasting more than ten or twelve minutes.’

  ‘Long?’ I said. ‘Why, my goodness! You don’t call that Brotherly Love sermon of yours long, do you?’

  ‘It takes fully fifty minutes to deliver.’

  ‘Surely not?’

  ‘Your incredulity, my dear Wooster, is extremely flattering – far more flattering, of course, than I deserve. Nevertheless, the facts are as I have stated. You are sure that I would not be well advised to make certain excisions and eliminations? You do not think it would be a good thing to cut, to prune? I might, for example, delete the rather exhaustive excursus into the family life of the early Assyrians?’

  ‘Don’t touch a word of it, or you’ll spoil the whole thing,’ I said earnestly.

  ‘I am delighted to hear you say so, and I shall preach the sermon without fail next Sunday morning.’

  What I have always said, and what I always shall say, is, that this ante-post betting is a mistake, an error, and a mug’s game. You can never tell what’s going to happen. If fellows would only stick to the good old SP there would be fewer young men go wrong. I’d hardly finished my breakfast on the Saturday morning, when Jeeves came to my bedside to say that Eustace wanted me on the telephone.

  ‘Good Lord, Jeeves, what’s the matter, do you think?’

  I’m bound to say I was beginning to get a bit jumpy by this time.

  ‘Mr Eustace did not confide in me, sir.’

  ‘Has he got the wind up?’

  ‘Somewhat vertically, sir, to judge by his voice.’

  ‘Do you know what I think, Jeeves? Something’s gone wrong with the favourite.’

  ‘Which is the favourite, sir?’

  ‘Mr Heppenstall. He’s gone to odds on. He was intending to preach a sermon on Brotherly Love which would have brought him home by lengths. I wonder if anything’s happened to him.’

  ‘You could ascertain, sir, by speaking to Mr Eustace on the telephone. He is holding the wire.’