Lessons for Lexi

by Charlene McSuede

  “You threw it in the ocean, didn’t you?”

  Lexi nodded. “Indubitably.”

  “I hate you.”

  “Noted.” Lexi sprung out of the chair and shoved Raj into it instead. “Donny, why don’t we start on Raj? You seem a little too shell shocked over what I want done.”

  “You want me to throw acid on the Mona Lisa!” Donny, Lexi’s hair dresser, answered dramatically. “After all the time I spent making you perfect, you want me to undo it all.” Donny began to brush out Raj’s hair in fast, furious strokes.

  Lexi sighed. “I’m not asking you to reverse my fucking nose job, Donny. I’m just asking you to take my extensions out for the break.” Lexi scratched her head. “They itch.”

  “We’ll put them back in at the end of the break?”

  Lexi crossed her fingers behind her back. “Sure thing.” She gave her most charming smile. “I also wondered what it would be like to go blonde.”

  “Absolutely not.” Donny finished brushing and wrapped a towel around Raj’s shoulders. “You don’t have the coloring to pull off blond.”

  “Fine, I’ll get it done at Supercuts.”

  Donny dropped his comb and put a hand to his heart. “You wouldn’t dare.”

  Lexi’s eyes flashed with challenge. “Watch me.”

  Donny’s shoulders slumped dejectedly. “Well, at least you’re letting me boy band up Raj.” Donny pinched Raj’s cheek and he flinched.

  Three hours and about 75 unanswered phone calls from her agent later, Lexi and Raj were transformed. Raj was a site to behold. His excessive hair had been chopped away, revealing deep black eyes and perfectly chiseled features. He looked fantastic.

  Lexi was unrecognizable. Her waist length black extensions had been removed and her real shoulder length hair had been died an awful, brassy shade of blonde. She wore no contact lenses and kept her hair tucked back behind her second most hated feature, her giant ears. She looked like a dopey golden retriever.

  She did not look like Lexi Logan. She smiled down at her shoes, practical flip-flops that she’d bought at the convenience store. They were hideous. She had forgotten how comfortable it was to not worry what she looked like.

  “What have I done to you?” Donny gasped out as he touched her hair.

  Lexi smiled. “You gave me my freedom.”

  ***

  Lexi and Raj lounged around Lexi’s loft style apartment. She wasn’t one for maintenance and she loved living in one giant room. She had a great view of the Miami skyline and an always working elevator. Luxury condo living was good.

  Having an answering machine was bad. Her agent had left more than 20 messages and his tone got more urgent with every one. Lexi didn’t pick up the phone until Andrew left one threatening to file a missing persons report.

  “I’m not dead. I’m just tired. Can’t you ever just leave me alone?” Lexi shouted into the phone as soon as she picked it up. On the other end, she could hear her agent doing his deep breathing exercises.

  “Why did you miss the meeting this morning Lexi?” He finally choked out.

  “I forgot.”

  She could practically feel Andrew counting to ten in his head. “You forgot?”

  “Sure.” She wasn’t even trying to cover it up. That turned out to be a mistake, because Andrew struck a low blow.

  “I’m worried about you Lexi. After what happened last year…”

  “We’re not talking about that.” For once, her voice went from laid back to stricken.

  Andrew went on as though she hadn’t spoken. “Now you’re sabotaging your career? Part of the agreement was that you would get counseling…”

  “I’ll get around to it.” Lexi muttered.

  “Between all the drinking binges?”

  Lexi ignored the empties rolling around on her floor and the fact that it was only 1 pm, and she was already a little bit buzzed. “I’m not drinking that much.”

  “Actually, Lexi, you are and as your agent, I feel responsible for you. You’re not dealing with what happened.”

  “I’m over it.” Lexi’s chest started to squeeze and she struggled to control her breathing. One gasp from a panic attack would give it all away.

  “I’m starting to feel like I have no choice but to approach someone about having you evaluated.”

  Lexi went tense. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you need help Lexi. If you force me to go the Baker Act route, I will”

  Lexi looked at the phone in her hand as though she had never seen it before. “Whatever Andrew. Listen, I have to go.” He tried to talk but she spoke over him. “We’ll talk about the internet porn thing when I’m off vacation.” With that, she ripped the phone cord out of the wall, intent on no more calls for at least three months.

  “Hey Raj?” She turned to her long time friend, who was watching her in amusement. “What’s a ‘Baker Act?’”

  “Did Andrew threaten that?”

  Lexi nodded.

  “That isn’t good Lex.” Andrew crossed his ankle over his knee and rubbed his hand over his face, still feeling strange clean shaven. “It’s kind of an involuntary commitment thing.”

  “Can he really do that?”

  “It’s possible. You have been doing some pretty weird stuff lately Lexi.”

  “Yeah, but that’s not because I’m crazy. That’s because I’m trying to get fired.”

  “A judge might not see it that way.” Raj rubbed his face again. “The law pretty much says that if an ‘interested person’ believes you’re going to hurt yourself or someone else, they can take you into custody.”

  “Which would definitely ruin the whole invisible vacation I was planning.” Lexi tilted her head as she thought. “Does this Baker Act thing apply everywhere?”

  “Just in Florida.”

  Lexi smiled. “Then I guess we’re going on a real vacation.”

  Raj raised an eyebrow in interest. “Where to?”

  “I want to be able to drive there. We haven’t had a road trip in forever.”

  “I love road trips.” Raj got nostalgic. “New York City?”

  “Nowhere near Connecticut. If anything, I would prefer to go in the opposite direction.”

  “The bible belt?” Donny looked horrified.

  “Nothing so extreme.” Lexi’s eyes lit up. “You know what would be fun? Remember that summer, in the commune?”

  Raj gave her a skeptical look.

  “Come on,” Lexi’s eyes were aglow with excitement. “It was fun! No interviews, agent meetings, or Baker Act’s. Six hour work weeks. No responsibilities. Always someone to play scrabble with.”

  “I hate that game.” Raj muttered darkly. He’d been getting his ass kicked by Lexi for years, both in regular word scrabble and dirty word scrabble.

  “And if you go to Austin with me, you might never have to play again!”

  Raj smiled. “It is also incredibly easy to trick the really stoned granola boys into posing for my art.”

  “You do have the finest collection of stick figure pornography in the entire world.”

  “Ok,” Raj responded. “Texas is as good as any other place.”

  Lexi looked around her apartment and for the first time in months, realized she had nowhere to be and nothing to do. “Let’s go to Austin.”

  Chapter 3

  The Hussners were an Austin institution. They had a well respected southern name that JT used in his marketing. A well respected southern name was great for advertising in cattle and real estate. What it wasn’t was trendy. JT hoped to change all that with Lexi Logan. As she was being stubborn, he’d decided to push her to the back of his mind and deal with another problem; his aunt.

  Althea Hussner had never been married. At the age of 67, she looked relatively the same as she did at the age of 21. She was tall, heavy set and would have probably made a more attractive man. She was also a stern, outspoken, intelligent matriarch. When her sisters had gone off and gotten married, she’d ma
intained the household and she continued to do so with an iron grip. A lot of the time, JT thought half his aunt’s problems with Faith were because of her fear that Faith would want to take up residence in the family home.

  He didn’t know how to reassure her that that would never happen. There was no polite way to tell her that living in that house was his idea of hell.

  Althea’s somber housekeeper opened the door before he could even knock. “Ms. Hussner is waiting out back for you,” she informed him as though the guillotine awaited him.

  “Thanks.” JT walked through the familiar pristine hallways until he reached a sun porch in the back. Althea sat at a table, her hands feeling through the yarn she was knitting, even though her eyes couldn’t see it. Althea Hussner had another reason for her slight bitterness. Since her early thirties, her vision had gotten progressively worse. By the time she turned 60, she was completely blind.

  “It’s about time you arrived.” She said stiffly. “I’ve had my lunch held up awaiting your arrival.”

  “I already ate.” JT responded, just to annoy her. He moved across the room to sit in a chair more designed for beauty than comfort. “Why am I here again, Althea?”

  “You’re still seeing her, aren’t you?”

  “I told you last time I was here; I’m not breaking up with Faith. You can keep the house,” he reminded her calmly. “I hate this house.” His last conversation with his aunt had been a threat to give the house to his brother if he didn’t end his relationship with ‘that hussy.’ As the oldest Hussner, the house was traditionally his. But his aunt was planning to forgo tradition to keep him and Faith apart.

  Althea sighed. “I give up. You win.” She slumped in her chair. “It’s yours.”

  JT raised an eyebrow. He didn’t really want it, but her change of heart surprised him. “Why?”

  “Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be blind and live in this mausoleum?” She let out a humorless laugh. “It’s supposed to be your home. I’m tired of handling it. If you want to move Faith in, be my guest.”

  “I don’t want it.” JT responded immediately but his mind raced. He had always thought she wanted the home, but apparently, she had just been place holding it. He was expected to move into the secluded place? His heart wasn’t in ranching or ancestral homes. He did not want the Hussner family home. “If you can’t handle it alone, we can hire a nurse.”

  “I am not an invalid.” Althea huffed. “I will not be treated like one.” She turned her sightless eyes in his direction. “Why can’t you move in with Faith? This is a family home, after all.”

  Family. He was not ready for family. He hadn’t even considered family. “Althea, it’s not really the right time for me. I need to be in the city for work. Maybe I could find someone to stay with you. Not a nurse,” he interrupted before she could protest. “Like a companion.”

  He could have sworn his aunt smirked before she nodded in agreement.

  One week later, JT was seated at an outdoor café with Althea. Despite the heat of Austin in June, Althea was dressed in a heavy, grey shapeless dress and a large brimmed hat. She spent ten minutes complaining about the heat before JT interrupted and offered to take her inside. She declined with a long suffering sigh and he broached the subject of Althea’s potential companion. He’d interviewed several, but still hadn’t found one that Althea would agree to.

  “How about the Spanish lady? Maria?”

  Althea snorted. “What good is a companion I can’t understand?”

  “Ok, the guy with the Masters in Horticulture.”

  Althea was offended. “I am not living with a strange man.”

  “Fine, who will you live with then?” His frustration was starting to boil over.

  “I’ll know them when I meet them JT. For now, just keep interviewing.”

  JT shook his head, knowing that his aunt was being impossible on purpose. He only hoped eventually he’d find someone she was satisfied with.

  ***

  Only two tables away, Lexi was complaining to Raj about their limited ability to find a place to live. “I don’t want to do a BSDM commune. Leather makes me itchy.”

  “They’re the only ones who will take us on short notice,” Raj said dejectedly. He didn’t mention that it was a gay man’s commune and he doubted Lexi would be a welcome addition. “Why don’t we just get an apartment?”

  Lexi let out a deep sigh as she tipped back in her chair. “Apartments are paperwork and responsibilities. I want to be free Raj.” Lexi was trying to get something back. It was a feeling she’d had years before, the lightness of no responsibility, no one depending on her. Everyday felt like it was filled with opportunities.

  “What happened to Pinchpenny?” Lexi was referring to the commune organizer they’d lived with 10 years before. The commune they’d been a part of had been a throwback to the 60’s style. Modern communes tended to focus on economics, but Pinchpenny’s commune had been one part family, one part activism. Lexi had been at more protests and ‘legalize it’ rallies than she could remember.

  “He’s living in his van. Turns out, protesting for legalized weed is not a good idea when you depend on your illegal weed sales to make a living.”

  “Just as well,” Lexi muttered as she leaned her head on her hand. “We’re getting too old to be tending pot plants for a living anyway.”

  “So what now?”

  Lexi was about to answer him when a blond man appeared at her right side. “Excuse me, would you mind if I took this chair?”

  “That’s fine,” she informed him absently. “I know, we could be carnies!”

  “Excuse me?” The blond man was watching her with confusion.

  “Not you, my friend.” Lexi pointed at Raj. “It would be really weird if I were inviting you to become a carnie with me. We just met.”

  The man was now watching her as he held a dangling chair under his arm. “You’re joining the carnival?”

  Lexi nodded somberly. “We have to. Our commune closed down.”

  “We are not becoming carnies.” Raj informed her definitely. “We did that right after high school, remember?”

  Lexi tilted her head as the blond man watched her with a bemused half smile. “Oh, yeah. It was not as glamorous as I thought it would be.”

  The blond man smiled at her. “Well, good luck to you.”

  “JT, what it taking so long? I’m getting a heat rash.” An elderly woman shouted from two tables over.

  “Sorry, that’s my Aunt Althea.” JT gave Lexi an apologetic smile as he turned back to his aunt. “I’m coming; I was just getting you a chair to replace your wobbly one.”

  “Don’t bother. We need to move into the shade. I swear this table is in the middle of the street.” Althea fanned herself dramatically.

  “Sorry,” JT smiled down at Lexi. “I guess I won’t need this.” He put the chair back down.

  “Why don’t you join us?” Lexi pointed to the awning they were sitting under. “We’re in the shade.”

  “I really couldn’t…”

  “You heard the girl,” Althea demanded. “Do you expect me to move over there myself? It would be just like you to let a defenseless old blind woman to stumble her way out of the boiling sun.”

  “You’re as defenseless as a tank,” JT muttered under his breath. Lexi laughed as he went back to collect his elderly aunt.

  “You think he’s gay?” Lexi asked Raj, her eyes lighting up. “I mean, he’s spending the day with his auntie for Christ’s sakes. Times like this, I’m glad my best friend is a gay man. If he’s straight, I’m calling dibs. If he’s gay, then he’s all yours, but we both get to look at him.” Lexi gave the blond man a once over while his back was to them. “I mean yum, right?”

  “Lexi, that’s…” Raj didn’t get a chance to respond before JT was arranging his aunt in a chair and pulling a seat up next to Lexi. Lexi had a moment of indecision when they were making introductions. Her show was syndicated in several states, but she didn’
t think she had a following in Texas. She relaxed and placed her hand in his.

  “I’m Le..Ow!” Lexi jumped back when Raj kicked her under the table.

  Raj was focused on JT instead. “She’s Alex, I’m Ra..adford?” From across the table, Lexi snorted.

  “Radford?” she mouthed at him as JT turned to order. He shrugged helplessly. For some reason, Raj was really nervous around JT and his aunt. She didn’t understand why. JT could hardly be one of her listeners. He was way too conservative looking. And the aunt was blind. She could have said her name was Lexi Logan and he would have just given her a blank look. She was sure of it.

  ***

  “Alex and Radford,” JT turned to study them. The blond was cute and very young looking. Her most overwhelming feature was easily her two different colored eyes. She reminded him of a golden retriever puppy he’d had as a kid. The man with her was a dark skinned, trendy looking Indian guy, who had women doing double takes on both sides of the street. “So you’re not going to be carnies?”

  Even the way she responded was puppy like. Her eyes lit up and she bounced in her seat a little. “No, we’ve done that one. Bad memories. I snorted a line of tobacco with the carnies.”

  JT shook his head, slightly lost. “What?”

  “Well, during set up, we weren’t allowed to smoke in the tent, so a lot of guys chewed tobacco. Anyway, this one guy, I forget his name, brought this stuff back called snuff.” Alex shifted in her seat. “As I like to try new things, I decided to give it a shot. Unfortunately, I did it wrong.” She shrugged. “I mean the name sounds just like sniff, how the hell was I supposed to know you’re not supposed to snort it an entire line of it!”

  Althea choked on her tea a little but Alex failed to notice her distress.

  “Anyway, after that, I got super dizzy.”

  “And then she vomited on an elephant,” Radford reminded her helpfully.

  “Oh yeah, I vomited on an elephant.” Alex held up a hand, “and that was my first and last experience with snuff.” She focused on JT. “Have you ever tried it?”

  “Snuff?” JT shook his head. “No, never.”