Learning Lessons

by KT Morrison

  “I...get a better sleep in there, Petey.”

  Petey’s brow furrowed. It was an acceptable answer, it made sense. But right, where did Tyler sleep? “Are you going to...divorce?”

  His little Boy Scout knife stuck in his heart. He ached for his baby boy. “No. No, Petey.” He hugged him. “Are you worried about that?”

  Petey nodded.

  “Do you know someone whose parents divorced?”

  He nodded again, turned to the trains still, but Pete could tell he wasn’t watching them anymore. “Yeah, Noah. And like a few more people in my class too. Like Steve Caldwell, and—”

  Shit. Everybody breaking up these days. “Not me and your mom, buddy. This is complicated. Complicated—but I love your mom to death. Does it bother you?”

  “No. It’s weird.”

  “Are you okay with Tyler being here?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you like Tyler?”

  “Yeah, I do. He’s funny.”

  “Me and your mom will always love each other, kid. We’ll always be in your life. Completely devoted to you, okay?”

  “I know, Dad.”

  Pete Junior said, “I love a white Christmas.”

  “Me too,” Andy agreed from the car seat next to him, turning to look at his big brother.

  Jess looked back and smiled at them both, cleaned and combed, dressed in their best, sitting like good boys on the minivan benches. So grown up. They were pulling onto Patty and Russ’s street, Pete driving, her boys behind her, the cargo full of presents for Tammy and Jacob, Patty and Russ. She could see the ribbons poking up above the boys’ shoulders.

  It had snowed for Christmas. And she had to agree with her little Petey, it was wonderful to have a white Christmas. The streets looked fresh and bright, their town was cheerful. The drive was a pleasant prelude before what could be a rocky afternoon.

  As much as she would like it if Tyler had come, as Pete suggested, it would have been awkward with him there. He wasn't specifically invited but Patty knew he was still living with them. Surely Patty wouldn't think they'd come and just leave their friend at home. Never knew with Patty though. Better that he was at home. None of the gifts were from Tyler, Patty and Russ wouldn't have any for Tyler—what was he going to do when it was time for the gifts? Sit there empty-handed?

  But she just couldn't leave him behind. Thank God he caught on and offered to stay. Just like with Patty you never knew with Tyler. It was that kind of thing he would demand to do just because he wanted to or someone had told him he couldn't. At least there would be peace today.

  They pulled into the driveway and Jess’s neck cramped. The beginnings of what could become a migraine crawling up her sore neck and across her scalp to stab her in the eyes. This was going to be hard enough without Tyler.

  Pete took her hand and she squeezed it softly. “Thank you again, Jess. Means a lot.” His face was earnest, sad, but content today. Troubled but peaceful. She felt for him.

  “Sure, Pete.” She gave him a pleasant face despite the stabbing pain. She gently squeezed his hand back.

  “Merry Christmas,” Patty said at the door. Pete kissed his sister then Russ was there taking up some of the presents from Jess’s arms, getting her hands free for her.

  “Thanks, Russ,” she said, and Patty hugged her and kissed her cheek.

  “So good to see you, Jess,” she said. Quite fervently. “So good,” she still held her arms. She wondered if Pete had been talking to her. What would he have said? She seemed surprised to see Jess there.

  Russ got them into the kitchen, got them all a drink in their hand. Just a white wine for Jess, she’d be driving home. The boys went off with Pete to the Family Room, taking their presents in and putting them under the tree. They would have their dinner, then all sit around the tree before the children’s bedtime and exchange their presents.

  Patty had her in the kitchen helping. There was a lot of polite and pleasant talk about work, the kids, school, the holidays in general. New Years’ plans came up and Jess worried they were getting into talk about the coming year and things Jess just didn’t want to deal with right now. But she didn’t. She was fun and light. Not really like the Patty she knew.

  She was taking the gravy boat into the dining room when they were almost ready for dinner and she saw the table set. She put the boat down and looked over the table. Counted seats out of curiosity. Had Tyler been welcome?

  “Counting place settings?”

  Patty had caught her. Jess said, “What?”

  Patty’s face was serious. In an instant Jess knew the pleasantries had been feigned. Patty had been instructed to be on her best behaviour. But she’d been laying in wait; looking for Jess to cross a line and now she’d thought she’d caught her.

  Patty put her casserole dish on the table, candied carrots and ginger, steaming hot. “Jess, can you come with me?”

  “Sure,” Jess said, feeling suddenly weak in the knees; her hamstrings started to quiver. She followed Patty through the kitchen and down the hall to the door that led to their two-car garage.

  “I need your help in here.”

  “Okay, Patty.”

  When she was first dating Pete, and they were at a restaurant and she had first met Patty, a guy at the bar told someone a joke that apparently was about cancer—who tells someone a joke about cancer?—and she splashed her drink in the guy’s face and Jess watched Pete's sister put a grown man in a headlock and walk him around the bar until someone had to pull her off of him. Quite frankly she had always been a little bit afraid of Patty. She was tall, almost as tall as Pete, she looked like she could handle herself, and everyone knew she had a bit of a temper.

  Patty opened the door, held it for her, stared at the side of her head as she passed. She stepped down the stone step into the cold, dark garage. Perfect place for an execution.

  “Listen, Jess, I’m not going to make a scene today. It’s Christmas and my children are here. I don’t want trouble. I really don’t.”

  “Patty, it’s not—”

  “You have a grown man living in your home. He’s not some kid who needs your help. He hasn’t been in the third grade for twenty years, sunshine. If you cant see what you’re doing you might need professional help.”

  “What I’m doing?”

  Patty said, “This has to stop. You have to get him out of your house. I can't believe you would think you could bring him to my house. Who do you think you are—going to bring a man here on Christmas Day with my kids here?”

  “Patty, he's our friend—”

  “No, he's not. He's not your friend. The whole thing is so fucking strange now and you're too blind to realize it...you're caught up in it, you can’t see it and you're driving me fucking crazy. Do you know what you're doing to my brother? Do you know what I would do to you if you hurt my brother? You have to get him the fuck out of your house.”

  “Patty, I can’t do it. It's not that simple.”

  “It is that simple and if you don't do it I’m going to come to your house and I'm gonna do it for you and you won't like it. Do you understand? He has to go.”

  “Patty, look at me—it's not that simple. You're seeing just the tip of the iceberg. You think you know everything that's happened but you don’t. How do you think this is happening? Do you think that it's just me?”

  Patty stared at her. Her whole head was trembling, her jaw was clenched, her mouth firmly set. If Jess looked she knew she’d see her hands were clenched in fists. She was thinking. Jess waited. She waited for Patty’s eyes to suddenly roll back like a slot machine, spinning and spinning until two cherries popped up as her pupils, her mouth clicked open and quarters vomited all over Jess’s feet as she finally realized what was happening in her brother’s marriage.

  Your brother is in on it. Your brother wants it in some weird way. Did you know your brother has a small dick? Did you know that your brother wanted his wife to fuck somebody with a big one? You don’t know what is going on in o
ur bedroom. This was Pete's idea, I would never have done this—he wanted me to fuck that kid. Maybe not that one but someone, and now I’ve done it and I’ve gone and fallen in love with him and the idea that I would kick him out and not feel his big hands on me, his arms holding me while he makes love to me...I can't be without him, I can't have him out of my life.

  Jess waited but it didn't happen. Patty didn't get it, because if she did she would've fallen to her knees, her heart broken for what had become of her little brother. Her poor Petey was such a good human but he was so broken, so hurt.

  There was something in Patty’s eyes that told her she understood that it wasn't all that it seemed. She acknowledged that. She wasn't happy. Her eyes still bore holes in Jess and as they walked back into the kitchen from the garage, ready to celebrate the holiday as a family, she still had a fear that Patty would grab her by her hair and throw her on the ground.

  Pete knocked on the bedroom door. There wasn’t an answer. He knocked again.

  Tyler was downstairs, he could hear him talking on his phone in the family room. He checked the lock, it was open. He opened the door and stepped in, said, “Jess?”

  She was in the bathroom, getting herself ready for bed. “Pete?”

  “Sorry, Jess, I need the charger for my shaver, it’s in my dresser drawer.”

  She poked her head out of the bathroom, her hair tied back in a ponytail, her lips showing toothpaste in the corner. “That’s fine, Pete,” she said. Upbeat. Like it was crazy that he’d be worried about coming into his own bedroom, but he just didn’t know any more. Her pleasant tone did make his heart jump, that was for sure. Her happiness was directly tuned into his own. Suddenly, walking across the bedroom, he felt quite good.

  “Yeah, I just need it for—”

  “Uh-huh,” she said, spit out in the sink. Ran the tap full blast and took a swallow right from the faucet.

  He opened his dresser drawer, held his breath in a weird anticipation, but found everything the way he left it—then wondered, did he think Tyler was going to take his stuff out and put his things in there? Like he’d open the drawer and it would be stuffed with football magazines and protein bars? He felt suddenly hopeful. He grabbed it, a zippered pouch with his charger and brushes and a cleaning kit, tapped it against his palm, liked the fat pleather feel of it, went to the edge of the bathroom door and watched Jess. She let him.

  “Thanks again for going to Patty’s with me, Jess. It meant a lot.”

  She smiled at him, rolled her eyes and took a deep breath, said, “You don’t even know, Pete.”

  “I mean it, thanks. We’re still a good team.”

  She nodded. Rolled her eyes again in a way that made Pete think maybe his sister might have said something that bothered her. He hoped not. Hoped she’d keep her nose out of it.

  “And the train? I mean it. You’re the greatest. Petey and I...we...”

  He shook it off, she knew what he was going to say. He couldn’t say it. He’d bust up for sure. “Just thanks.”

  She leaned her butt back on the edge of the counter, faced him, folded her arms across herself lightly, brushing her elbows with her fingertips. “I know,” she said. Her smile meant everything to him.

  “Okay,” he said. Now the bad news. “You know...Petey asked me something today.”

  Her face went blank. “Oh?”

  Pete worked his way around how to say this. He wanted to talk about it but he didn’t want to know her opinion. Didn’t want to hear something like, Well, we’re going to have to tell them we’re separating. He wasn’t ready yet for that. He’d never ever be ready for that. For sure didn’t want Christmas Day to forever be the anniversary of the night the love of his life left him.

  “I think he’s a little worried. He knows I sleep in the other room.”

  “He does?” she said, her face looking a little hurt and worried. “Poor guy,” she said, casting down at the bathmat now.

  Pete nodded, didn’t know what else to say really. Secretly wanted her to snap out of this, come to her sweet senses and bring this family back to the way it was.

  Nothing.

  “Okay, I guess...I’m going to go to bed.”

  “Okay.”

  He turned and headed for the door, she stopped him. “Petey?”

  “Yes, Jess?”

  “My gift...for Tyler...”

  “What is it?”

  “In February...we’re going to go away together.”

  The two of them together. Without him. Somewhere sunny. God. “Wow. Okay. Where?”

  “Just to Florida. Five days. I’m only taking two days off on either end of a long weekend.”

  “Uh-huh” he gasped, he felt for the edge of the bed behind him and sat on it.

  “I just want to get away. I need to get away.”

  He lowered his head, felt himself beginning to cry and he didn’t want her to see him. Came out of nowhere.

  So they were going away together—with all the things they’d done, that was nothing. Still, she would be so far. She was being pulled away from him, their distance apart getting greater and greater until she would just be a speck on his horizon, him lost in a dark scary ocean the last thing he’d see is her, a tiny dot in the distance, before he was swallowed and consumed. “Sorry, Jess,” he said, pinched the bridge of his nose and a tear fell off him, landed on his khaki pants, turned a spot dark and slowly spread. “I’m sorry—”

  She sat next to him, right next to him. He could feel her against his body. “It’s okay, Petey,” she whispered, he could hear a choking sadness in her voice too. Her hand rubbed circles on his back, soft and sweet and warm. His heart wanted to explode.

  She wiped her own eyes. She sniffed.

  “Will you tell me all about it. Everything you do?”

  She quietly said, “I don’t know, Pete.”

  “Please,” he said, and he turned, risked it all, and he put his arms around her. She let him. He kept his face turned from her, didn’t want to kiss her, didn’t want to push it, but he needed to hold her. Needed to feel her in his arms one more time in case he never got another.

  “Okay, Petey,” she said, her hand sweeping the back of his arm.

  He let her go, let her be, glad to have that moment. “Okay,” he said.

  He sat with her, side by side, both of them looking across to the bathroom door. He wanted to stay as long as he could like that, feel her next to him, both of them on their bed in their bedroom. She let it go too, stayed connected, and he hoped she felt something, felt a nostalgic pull like he did.

  She stood up finally, her bad knee giving a quiet click.

  “Hey Jess, what did Tyler get you?”

  She turned, leaned on the door jamb, she smiled, she shook her head and turned up her nose. “You don’t want to know.”

  “I do. Please, just tell me.”

  She stood and watched him, exhaled slowly, dragging it out forever. “No, you don’t. Close your eyes.”

  “Why?”

  She walked to the night table and opened the drawer. “You sure?”

  “Yes, Jess.”

  She turned and dropped it in his lap. Heavy, big, rubber. It bounced on his thighs. A dildo.

  “He bought you a dildo?” he said, feeling good that it was such a dumb, dirty gift. He picked it off his lap, held it by the balls. It didn’t look very well made.

  He suddenly recognized it, he’d seen it plenty. “Wait, is this—”

  “Yeah.”

  It was a cast of his own cock. It made him sick to hold it in his hands, to know that Jess had held the real thing, now he knew what it felt like. Knew how impressive it must feel in his wife’s dainty grip. Shockingly different to his own. It instantly ruined his night.

  “Here,” he said, handed it back to her.

  “You asked.” She took it from him, put it in her lap and laid her hands over it.

  “It’s dumb,” he said quietly.

  Her hand unconsciously went to her necklace,
touched his diamond heart on her collar. “Hey,” she said, “it’s not dumb. It was personal.”

  “Whatever, Jess.”

  “Pete, he doesn’t have a job right now. It was sweet the way he did it. I know it looks vulgar, I’m not stupid. But he was funny and he was cute...the way he gave it to me.”

  “How was that?”

  “Pete. It was between me and him.”

  “Jess.”

  “Pete, I can’t explain it to you. You won’t get it. It was personal.”

  “Doesn’t have a job?”

  She sighed. “He quit that job.”

  “Quit it? Well, is he...how’s he going to help out around here?”

  “He’s going to find something else. Something more permanent. Local.”

  “Jess—how? As a teacher?” That would be impossible.

  “We’re going to figure it out.”

  “I don’t know why you think you can help him. Save him.”

  “I’m not saving him. He doesn’t need saving.”

  “He could have taken that job at Save-Mart.”

  “Yeah.” She nodded. She put her hand over one of his, held the big rubber cock on her lap across her thighs with the other.

  “What are we doing?”

  She stared at him. Pursed her lips.

  He said, “How can you love another man?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Pete, I don’t want to talk about it.” She took her hand back, folded her arms up like she was cold, crossed a leg over the other.

  “I know you don’t,” he said, looking down at the carpet. “You better get rid of that,” he pointed his chin to the dildo pinched in her lap.

  She put it back in the drawer and closed it up.

  “I mean really get rid of it. If the boys found that...”

  She nodded, arms folded up again. She seemed farther away now.