Holding Up the World

by Shirley Hailstock

  It didn’t matter how many counselors Lisa took her too, Julianna had Omar as her master commander and nothing anyone said to her made a difference. Her grades slipped, then fell off the side of the earth. She no longer participated in extra curricular activities, although she said she was going. Omar was the activity.

  Lisa looked for him too. Maybe if she found him somewhere, he could lead her to Julianna.

  Lisa sat in the back seat of her car with the door open to let what little air flow there was pass through the car. Jade rested on her lap and she fed her a small bottle of milk. The fresh air from the day, food, her small body weight, and the motion of the car would send to sleep in no time.

  Strapping the baby into the car seat, Lisa kissed her sweet brow and got behind the wheel. The drive home would take forty to fifty minutes depending on the traffic.

  She wondered what kind of lecture she’d get from Susan if she told her she’d been perusing the West Cedar section looking for Julianna. Thinking of Susan brought their last conversation into focus – that of Rhys Baldwin. Lisa still had his card. But she’d yet to pick up the phone and dial the number.

  In the week since she’d spoken to Susan, Lisa had made a point of observing the men she came in contact with. She’d look across the room of a restaurant at lunch or around the conference table at a meeting, evaluating each man to see if she had an attraction to him. Would she go out with one of them if he asked her?

  The answer surprised her. She’d been out with several of the men from her office at offsite meetings, luncheons, even traveled on the same plane with some of them in route to conferences. She spoke easily with them. But dating? Not a chance.

  What surprised her was she kept comparing them to Rhys. She hadn’t known him for longer than thirty minutes and she was already making him the standard. It made no sense. But as Susan would say, when did the people we’re attracted to make any sense. Of course she was referring to falling for Bill and not the fantasy rich, handsome, wonderful Prince Charming that she had yet to meet.

  ***

  The cash register clacked and spewed out a receipt. Julianna tore it off and handed to the customer. “Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart,” she said. She must have repeated the phrase a hundred times since her shift started at ten o’clock this morning. If she never heard it again, it would be too soon. But they paid her to say it. Finally, after months of living on the streets and depending on someone else, she had her own money. At least a little of it.

  After she paid for room and board, she was left with only a little for her personal needs. Life was hard and she couldn’t survive on what she made alone. She’d tried to find a place of her own, but the rent was so high she gave up on the idea.

  Everything about being a sales clerk hurt. Her feet hurt, her legs ached, and her neck and back felt like someone was screwing a lid closed. She’d packed plastic bags, lifted heavy boxes and banged her fingers on the cash register keyboard when the scanner wouldn’t work, which was most of the time.

  Checking her watch she had three more hours to go. She didn’t know how people did this day after day, year after year. She’d been here for three weeks and she knew this was not what she wanted her life to be like. But she wasn’t being beaten or forced to submit to sex everyday by someone fool not worth her time.

  Julianna also wasn’t saving any money. There was never enough. If she worked overtime, Leona Mason, her landlady found some new reason to charge her more. She ate more that week than the previous one, which wasn’t true, but her constant threats of throwing her out made her pay. Julianna quickly learned not to tell her when she was working overtime. She’d tell her she was having coffee or a soda with friends. Or she’d invent some excuse for why she was not going to be in. She’d become an accomplished liar.

  “Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart,” she said again. The lines never seemed to get any shorter. Julianna thought they should pay their employees more, since they were the number one merchandiser in the country.

  “It’s time for your break,” her supervisor said. Finish this customer and I’ll have someone relieve you.

  There wasn’t enough time to do anything. She didn’t smoke, so she went to the break room, a small place with tables and chairs and several vending machines and a refrigerator. There were a few people already there when she went in. They were engaged in conversation. Julianna went to the refrigerator to get the soda she’d put there earlier.

  It was gone.

  She knew better than to store her food there. Someone always stole it, but she couldn’t afford to buy from the vending machines. She didn’t have enough money. She often brought her lunch and kept it in her locker.

  She straightened up and closed the door. She’d have nothing until she got off.

  “Somebody steal it?” A woman asked.

  Julianna turned to her. She didn’t know many of the people here. The place was like a revolving door for employees. They were always coming and going. She hadn’t made any friends. She recognized a few faces that she’d seen more than once, but only knew them to say hello and keep walking.

  She nodded to the woman. “It was only a soda. I knew better than to leave it here, but I wanted to drink it while it was cold.”

  “They stole more than one of my lunches. I don’t put anything in there anymore.”

  Julianna reached in her pocket. She had only a few dimes in there. Not enough to pay the vending price.

  “I’m Irma Washington. What’s your name?”

  “Julianna Russell.” She didn’t worry about using her real name. It had never occurred to her to do anything else. She’d been gone over two years. It wasn’t likely anyone was looking for her. Certainly not her mother.

  “You’re new here.”

  It wasn’t a question, but Julianna answered it anyway. “This is my third week.”

  Irma grunted a laugh. “How are your feet?”

  “Tired, sore, feeling like they don’t belong to my body.”

  Irma Washington was about her age. She had dark, black hair. Julianna was sure it was died. She’d seen her around and knew she was taller than Julianna, probably as tall as her one of her sisters, about five feet five. Like Julianna she was thin, the kind of thinness that came from hunger. Julianna liked her. She hadn’t had a girl friend in years and suddenly realized she yearned for one. But she was cautious too. Everyone she’d come in contact with since her life had taken this turn, had turned out to be untrustworthy.

  Irma laughed at her comment about her feet, this time reaching into the canvas lunch sack on the table in front of her and pulling out a cola. Julianna’s stomach lurched at the sight of it. She clamped her teeth together remembering that someone had taken hers. Irma slid the can across the table toward her. “Sit down?”

  Julianna lowered herself slowly into the chair. It felt good to sit. Her hand closed around the can and she popped the top and took a drink.

  “Thank you,” Julianna said. “I’d offer to pay you, but–”

  Irma waved her hand to quiet her. “I buy them here at a discount and my bag keeps them cold.” She indicated the blue lunch bag.

  Julianna thought of doing that, but where would she keep them. She couldn’t buy a six pack and take it home. She knew Leona went through her room when she wasn’t there. Anything that was edible or drinkable would be missing when she came back. Mysteriously disappearing without anyone knowing anything about it.

  “How long have you been here?” Julianna asked.

  “Two years. I started so I could make some money to go to nursing school, but there is never enough.”

  “I wanted to be a nurse once.”

  “Not anymore?”

  Julianna shook her head. The few dreams she had had been dumped on, crushed, ground under someone’s feet. She wasn’t sure if she knew where they were, let alone being able to resurrect them.

  “Have you looked for scholarships, loans or someone to sponsor you?”

  Irma shook her head. �
�Where would I find that?”

  Julianna had once gone to a college night with her mother. She would have enrolled in college if she’d stayed at home for a few more months, but she hadn’t. Yet, she did know about places to find information.

  “If you go to the Internet, you can search for scholarships. There are some that give preference to minorities. Same thing for school loans. You wouldn’t have to pay it back until you graduate. And there are places like Manpower where you can get help.”

  “You know a lot about these things. Are you in school?”

  “Nah, I went to a college night once when I was in high school, before I...” She stopped. She’d already revealed more than she wanted to. “Before I decided not to go. They gave a lot of information.”

  “I’m probably not smart enough to get a scholarship. My grades in school were pretty poor.” She frowned. “I had other things to do than study.”

  Julianna identified with that. For the first three years she did what she was told, studied, did homework, got good grades, but when she got to be a senior, it was all to much. She just wanted to be out of there. And there was Omar. She wanted him. Now she wondered what she ever saw in him. It irritated her that her sisters had been right to warn her about him, but she wouldn’t listen. They were twins and they stuck together as if they were Siamese. She always made her feel as if she was an outsider.

  “What about a student loan.”

  “They only give those to the kids with the good grades or the ones whose parents have a lot of money and they don’t really need it.” Irma’s mouth turned down.

  “You don’t know unless you try.” Julianna heard her self saying this and knew the words weren’t hers. They were real all right, but it was a comment she’d heard her mother say more than once. It was amazing how much she remembered about being at home and how much she’d hated it when she was there.

  “Who’d give me money?”

  Julianna shrugged. “You can go over to the high school or call them and ask when they are having a college night. Or you can go the nursing school and ask about financial aid.”

  “Since you know so much about this, why aren’t you doing it?”

  “I hated school when I was there.”

  She had. But now Julianna knew it was the best time of her life. As Julianna polished off the last of the cola and headed back to her workstation, she wondered if she would ever be that happy again.

  Chapter 5

  Change was absolute in any world. In Lisa’s it was sailing faster than nanoseconds on speed. Since Jade had come to live with her, not only were things changing, but it seemed like the pressure in every other part of her life had weights added to it.

  Lisa hadn’t stopped running since she’d entered her office that morning and today was a carbon copy of the last three weeks. She’d go from one meeting to another, stopping in between to gather reports and delegate duties for someone to complete before her next round of meetings. Business wasn’t good and everyone was in hyper mode trying to get done what needed to be done and come up with new ways to keep or gain market share on the products the company sold. Lisa knew the pipeline wasn’t strong. The products being developed were years away from being sold to the medical public. Competition was strong and the price wars that had been going on for the last few years were seriously affecting Braddock Pharmaceuticals bottom line.

  And it didn’t help that they had a new president who wanted to put his own thumb print on the operation. Much of the office was nervous about the future. No one knew of any developments. Despite what Byron Collier had said to her in his office, Lisa was not immune to the nervousness. Her future could well be toppled if she lost her job. The twins were in school and had known a certain lifestyle since they were born. And with Jade she had another college education to plan for.

  Staring out the windows of her office, Lisa thought about the changes that were sure to come. She was management, but that didn’t protect her. In this climate, management was apt to be the first to lose their heads. And since they weren’t in the loop, part of the decision making process, it was likely she was right.

  She should be looking around for another position. Many others had done so and left. But Lisa had been employed with Braddock for seventeen years. She wasn’t leaving without a package.

  What would she do? She wasn’t in the age bracket where jobs were nearly impossible to find. Even though the law said you couldn’t discriminate against a person due to their age, companies did it all the time. It was easier these days. No one even got back to a potential employee to tell them the bad news. They simply didn’t take their calls, didn’t answer their e-mails. Eventually they got the message.

  Would that happen to her? Lisa had a small mirror in the bottom drawer of her desk. She didn’t pull it out and look at herself. She wondered if the lines around her eyes told her age? She had a few grey hairs. Nothing she didn’t cover with a little dye.

  Suddenly the image of Rhys dropped into her mind. He had a few grey hairs, but on him they looked good, distinguished. He reminded her of a college professor type, although not the absent minded, rumbled Albert Einstein portrait. He was more the history prototype, dressed in a three-piece suit with a fob watched in a hidden pocket, a ghost of a smile on his face as if he was remembering with fondness the events he related to this students. Lisa smiled, then told herself he was a lifetime away from her.

  The reminder box popped up on her computer. She had another meeting in five minutes. Gathering the papers she needed, Lisa stood up and headed out.

  ***

  Nudging her way through the door with her briefcase in one hand, a diaper bag hanging on her arm and Jade cradled against her shoulder, Lisa finally relaxed. The day had been long and tiring, but holding the squirming bundle in her against her breast was like an infusion of life-blood. Lisa hummed as she moved about, dancing with Jade, swinging her around and making her laugh. For the space of a few moments, they were completely and utterly happy. She’d forgotten this time, the bonding, the growing love between mother and child, the marvel at the tiniest accomplishment, a smile, a small hand touching her face, reaching for her earrings or her reading glasses, and a myriad of other exercises.

  No one seeing Lisa dancing around would think that her day had been from hell. She wouldn’t allow the previous hours to intrude on the precious few she had with Jade before putting her down for the night. Jade began to squirm when Lisa stopped moving. It was her way of communicating that she was hungry. Lisa had also forgotten the methods of non-verbal communications that only a mother understands. If she waited much longer, the child would exercise her lungs.

  Carrying her into the kitchen, Lisa prepared a bottle and within minutes settled into the same rocking chair she’d used to rock Jade’s mother and the twins, humming softly as the baby sucked on the nipple.

  The phone next to her rang softly. Shifting the bottle to her other hand, she lifted the receiver.

  “How’d your day go?” the voice said. Lisa knew exactly who it was. Rhys. Her breath caught in her throat and for a moment she was tempted to answer his question. It had been a long time since she had someone to tell about her day. She’d often told the girls the good things that happened, but shielded them from the hardships. An adult would understand, but it would have scared the girls.

  “Don’t you ever say hello?” Lisa hedged, wondering if he somehow knew more about what was going on at Braddock than she thought. She didn’t really know him, didn’t know what he did or what connections he had. He could be on the board of directors for all she knew.

  “Sometimes. Are you the kind that needs to follow the ritual?”

  Lisa thought about that. She’d been following rules all her life. “How was your day?” she said in lieu of answering his question.

  “Normal. Nothing extraordinary happened.”

  “So you decided to call me?”

  There was a long pause. Lisa wondered if her attempt at humor had had the opposite affec
t. Instinct told her to say good bye and hang up, but she had a sudden need to talk to another human being. More than that. She wanted to talk to a man. She checked Jade. The baby sucked contentedly. Her eyes were closed. Soon she would be asleep.

  “I’ve thought about you all day,” he finally said.

  “That’s a rather bold statement for someone you don’t know.”

  “I know. I used to use it in my single days.”

  “You’re married?” Her shoulders dropped.

  “Widowed,” he said.

  Lisa didn’t say she was sorry. The words seemed so empty of true understanding. “How long?” she asked instead.

  “Eight years.”

  “And you never remarried?”

  “I had a family to raise. They were very demanding and left no time for finding another wife.”

  “I understand. After my divorce, my time belonged to my children too.”

  Jade had fallen asleep. She wasn’t down for the night yet. Lisa removed the bottle and repositioned the baby as she continued to talk to Rhys. They exchanged information about their jobs and families, although Lisa kept Jade’s existence to herself.

  “You know I planned to tell you all these things over dinner,” Rhys said. “What are we going to talk about when we finally do go to dinner?”

  Lisa smiled. “I’m afraid dinner is not an option.”

  “How about lunch? You can’t tell me you’re too busy for that.”

  “Lately I have been.” She thought about the office and how stressful and strained things were there. For the past week Lisa hadn’t had a free moment.

  “Oh, is everything all right?”

  “Yes,” she lied. “It’s a busy time of year.” At least that was partially the truth. They were very busy, but if the economy wasn’t so sluggish their busy period wouldn’t begin until the end of the summer. “I usually eat at my desk.”

  “You can’t take a break for even one day?”

  “Not this week.”