Heart Echoes

by Sally John

  But still . . .

  “Maiya, rudeness is not winning you any points.”

  She flounced around to face Teal. “You know what? I’m a little tired of trying to win points with you.”

  Teal blinked in surprise at the personal attack. Teenage snippy sank to a new low.

  Maiya went on. “How could I have told you about my feelings for Jake? Both you and Riv are totally into losers. It’s what you both do for a living. But can I hang out with kids who drink or smoke pot? Can I bring home a Goth or a skater? No way.”

  “Jake’s a delinquent.”

  “Was. He graduated from Saint Sibs with flying colors. He’s got a great job. Why can’t you give him a chance to prove himself?”

  “Because you’re fifteen and he’s nineteen.”

  “Honestly, Mom! You’re thirty-seven and Riv’s forty-two!”

  Teal wanted to laugh at the ludicrous reasoning, but she held back, a habit developed through the years. She had always encouraged Maiya to speak her mind and stand her ground if she did so politely.

  Despite the lack of politely now, Teal had to let her go on. Maiya obviously needed to get some things off her chest.

  The very situation Teal had been hoping for, avoiding, and dreading.

  “Maiya, if you had told me you had a crush on Jake, I would have said that’s natural. You’re a young woman, attracted to boys. Crushes and puppy love make us feel alive and happy.”

  “But you would have said he’s off limits.”

  “Of course. And hindsight now shows us his true colors aren’t of the flying sort, which explains why I would have said he’s off limits, right? He picked you up in secret on his motorcycle and took you camping overnight. Think about it. A mature guy would have spoken to River, who happens to be his mentor, a close confidant, and said, ‘I want to date your daughter.’”

  “Like that would have made a difference.”

  “It would have. Trust me, I’d have been monitoring every single one of your calls and e-mails.”

  “Is that what your mom should have done so you wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with me?”

  Keeping up with Maiya’s rant was giving Teal whiplash. She shifted mentally from Jake to her pregnancy. “Honey, you know I was twenty-two, way past being monitored by my mom.”

  “Then you were old enough not to do such a dumb thing.”

  Teal set her jaw. The crux was always there, and she had no new way of explaining it. “Yes, it was a dumb thing to have sex at that time.”

  Maiya gazed at her. The deep-green eyes carried shades of Bio Dad’s. The confusion in them stemmed from hormones, earthquakes, and a teacher’s death.

  Teal placed a hand on her arm. “I was independent and stubborn. Sleeping with your birth father was my choice. It was his choice not to be ready to be a dad and a husband. It was my choice to be the best mom possible. I loved and wanted you from the moment I knew you were growing inside of me. The rest did not matter.”

  “Really?”

  She smiled gently. “Maiya, I’ve always told you that, and I’ll say it as often as you want to hear it. Yes, really.”

  “But he didn’t want me.”

  “He wasn’t ready.”

  “Same thing. You don’t have to protect my feelings anymore, Mom. I’m almost sixteen. I get it. Big whoop.” The shaky voice undermined the brave words. “Most kids at school come from broken homes. At least they’ve met both parents, though. About the only thing I know is I have my dad’s green eyes.”

  Well, there was no denying that. Teal’s eyes were light gray. “Mm-hmm.”

  “My ears are different from yours too.” Biology class last year had provided this new tidbit. She pulled on a lobe. “See? Attached. I must have his.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Was he handsome?”

  Teal fiddled with the steering wheel, wishing to drive off and leave the conversation squished under the tires. “I’ve told you before.”

  “Tell me again. Tell me more besides he was good-looking and you met him on a beach in Oregon. What else?”

  “Honey, there is nothing else.”

  “What beach? Did he go to the same college you did?” Her voice rose and she flounced on the seat. “Where did you go on dates? What color was his hair? Did he play an instrument? Did he like the trumpet?”

  “Maiya, calm down.”

  “Mom!” Her eyes widened. “You could have been killed in that earthquake!”

  Huh? “But I wasn’t.”

  “But what if you were? I wouldn’t even know my dad’s name! I would never ever know his name. I could never meet him.”

  Teal shook her head. “It’s best that you don’t.”

  “Maybe he’s looking for me! Maybe he’s looking for you. Maybe he still loves you.”

  Teal breathed in and out, in and out, steeling herself. She would not feed this romantic fantasy. “All right, Maiya. I’ll tell you some things I haven’t wanted to say because I don’t want his character to affect how you see yourself. Does that make sense?”

  She nodded.

  “He did not love me, hon. And I didn’t love him. We truly did not care about each other.”

  “But you made love.”

  “We had sex. Call it lust or craving any attention that resembled love. Call it plain old dysfunctional behavior. I’m afraid there was no love involved.”

  The hurt on Maiya’s face tempted her to soften the facts.

  But she couldn’t. “I did not want him in our lives. He was bad news. Shoplifting, burglary, other so-called minor offenses. Soon after you were born, they finally locked him up for disorderly conduct.”

  Maiya flinched as if she’d been slapped.

  “Honey, there is no romance in the story. He’s not a prince or part of a famous family.” She reached out and smoothed Maiya’s hair. “But hey, who needs a prince when we have River, huh?”

  Tears seeped from Maiya’s eyes. “It’s not the same. Oh, Mommy, it’s not the same.”

  Teal pulled her daughter to herself and hugged as tightly as she could over the console.

  And she admitted silently to herself that no, it was not the same, not even with River Adams for a stepdad.

  Chapter 16

  River found Teal on the back patio, aiming the hose at an enormous potted geranium that she had babied for years. He paused in the doorway and feasted his eyes on his wife in shorts and sleeveless top. She was one good-looking woman with feminine curves and, in unguarded moments like this, a vulnerability that made him think she needed him.

  Teal moved the hose to a tomato plant and noticed him standing there. “Did you talk to him?”

  River smiled and went over to her. “Hello to you, too.”

  “Sorry.” She turned off the sprayer and met his kiss. “Hi.”

  “Rough day with the caged tiger?”

  “I want to go on record as saying that grounding a teenager is ludicrous.” She shook her head. “I had to get out of here, so we went shoe shopping. We ran into a friend of Maiya’s who told us that Paul Hinson died in the quake.”

  “Oh no. The math teacher?”

  “Yeah. One thing led to another and another, and just now I caved in and let her call Amber, after I okayed it with Shauna. I set the timer for twenty minutes. I hate being a prison warden. Did you talk to him?”

  “Let’s sit down.” They settled onto padded chairs at the round patio table. He tried not to wince at the movement. Driving had been a challenge, but three days away from the school was his limit. Losing immediacy with the boys happened in a heartbeat. In his work, it was not something he could afford.

  He saw the strain on Teal’s face and stroked her hands clenched atop the table. “Yes, I talked to Jake. He showed up at my office like I asked him to do.”

  “And?”

  “He apologized profusely, claimed he was in love, but promised not to contact our minor daughter. Teal, what’s wrong? You’re rattled over more than the Jake business and Maiya s
training at the bit.”

  She shrugged, but her leg bounced like a jackhammer and then her face crumpled. “Yeah. She was asking about Bio Dad. More than ever. I guess all this trauma triggered something.”

  River went silent. Maiya’s birth father was a touchy subject between them.

  Touchy? It was a major sore spot that usually sparked an argument. The guy’s name was not even on Maiya’s birth certificate. River’s opinion had always been that Maiya should know his name and everything else about him that was age appropriate. Why hide so much from her? And him, for that matter. Keeping Bio Dad a mystery only aggravated Maiya’s emotions. It was a miracle she had not acted out more before now.

  River pulled at his collar. Heat was definitely growing underneath it.

  In the early days he had wanted to adopt Maiya. Shoot, he still did. But that would require Teal to contact Bio Dad and get his permission. She refused. Just absolutely refused. No matter how much she wanted that for River and Maiya, she said it was not possible.

  She couldn’t find him? No, she could probably find him. Then what? “I know what’s best for us, River. Please trust me.” End of discussion.

  River could not understand it. Obviously the guy had been a part of Teal’s life. Or maybe not. He sometimes wondered if it had been a one-night stand. Maybe he had date-raped her. River privately named him the sperm donor. Whatever the whole truth was, Teal kept it to herself.

  She said now, “I finally told her about him being in jail.”

  River exhaled the breath he’d been holding. This much he knew. “She’s probably old enough to learn that.”

  “But I threw it in her face. Worse than the jail thing, I admitted that we didn’t love each other, didn’t have any feelings for each other. I had to nip her silly romantic notions in the bud. She needs to realize that there was nothing special between us.”

  River knew that as well. Maiya had been conceived a short while before Teal graduated from college. It was during her years of dark rage, when she fought tooth and nail to leave her family and make it through the world on her own. She was too busy, too focused to be promiscuous. Working two or three jobs, graduating in the top two percent of her college class. The guy remained an inexplicable blip in her tale of gaining freedom and independence.

  Teal leaned forward and rested her face on the back of his hand. “There was nothing even remotely special between us. What is she supposed to do with roots like that, River? How can she feel like anything except worthless?”

  “She has you and me to convince her otherwise.”

  Teal looked up at him, her eyes too sad. “I don’t understand why you’re not enough dad for her. We never even could call you ‘stepdad.’”

  “Oh, Teal, you know.” He touched her cheek.

  Since their second date, they had talked about this. It took her a year to completely entrust him with any semblance of playing the stepfather role in her daughter’s life. It took her another six months to accept his marriage proposal and let him actually become part of the family. No way would she have unleashed an Owen Pomeroy on Maiya.

  He said, “Ninety percent of the boys I work with don’t have a relationship with their dads, and that’s exactly what they long for most. We always knew that no matter how good my relationship is with Maiya, I could never fill that hole left by her real father.”

  “Biological father.” She automatically corrected him, always insistent to never use the term real father. “Well, it’s asinine.”

  “What is?”

  “That we have such holes. God should rethink all this heart memory hogwash that He wired into us. Fathers abandon kids all the time. We shouldn’t have to forever feel like there’s something missing.”

  Whoa. It was the closest she had ever come to admitting that her own father’s abandonment affected her. She would only say that she had forgiven him, like it was no big deal.

  She wiped her hands across her face as if washing away the day’s trouble. “You’re the best, hon. You make all the difference in Maiya’s life. I am so very grateful that you are her daddy.”

  He basked in her words, thankful as well for Maiya being his stepdaughter. “Does that mean I’m forgiven for bringing Jake into our safe place?”

  “Yes, I forgive you. Like you didn’t know that already.”

  He smiled.

  She stood. “I should have caught on. I mean, she worked in the yard with the kid for two days straight. When was the last time she hung out in the yard, let alone picked up a shovel?”

  “Or cared where we stuck an azalea?” He stood and held out his arms to her.

  She stepped into his embrace.

  The hug was a good discussion ender. Did he need to add that he did not trust Jake Ford as far as he could throw him?

  Nah. He’d keep that tidbit for another time. Or not.

  Chapter 17

  PORTLAND, OREGON

  Although she wasn’t the only one on a cell phone in the Portland bookstore’s coffee shop, Lacey spoke in a low voice. “Maiya’s still grounded?”

  On the other end of the line, Teal sighed. “Yes. It’s not fair, making her start her junior year with no social privileges. I should at least give her a deadline. But I can’t. After three weeks, we’re back to work, she’s back to school, but life is not back to normal.”

  Tell me about it. Lacey did not speak her initial response.

  Habits of a lifetime did not die easily. For as long as she could remember, if she spoke to her sister without weighing her words, either Teal lashed out or their parents lashed out at Teal. Often both. Lacey was not the target, and yet somehow she was guilty of creating the conflict.

  She had learned to hold her tongue.

  Teal went on. “It’s not just us with Maiya’s situation. There’s this citywide feeling that the other shoe is going to drop at any minute.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “But it stinks.”

  Lacey closed her eyes. It was not her imagination. Teal’s un-Teal-likeness continued. She remained as mouthy as ever, but in a way that seemed to welcome Lacey into her sphere. It was the only explanation for Lacey finding the courage to call her five times since the day after the quake struck.

  “So, Lace, aren’t you going to say it again?”

  She opened her eyes, smiled, and said for the fifth time in three weeks, “Why don’t you come home and get away from it all for a while?”

  Teal laughed. “Thank you. I need something predictable in my life, and I think you’re it these days.”

  Lacey’s smile stretched into a grin.

  Teal said, “There are moments when I actually consider coming.”

  “Things are that bad?”

  “Things are that bad and your steadiness is that good.”

  Tears stung Lacey’s eyes. “It would be wonderful to see you.”

  “You really believe that? I’d only make a mess of things.”

  “Don’t say that, Teal. So many years have passed. We’ve all changed.”

  “Well, you for one did not need to change.”

  She wiped beneath her eyes.

  “And,” Teal said, “I seriously, seriously doubt that either Randi or Owen have changed directions midstream. I would only upset them, like always.”

  Lacey tilted the phone away from her chin and sniffled.

  “I’ve changed too, Lace. I’ve gotten more inflexible about what I will not put up with. At the top of my list are parents like . . . I’m sorry.”

  Lacey struggled to swallow.

  “Are you still there?”

  “Y-yes.”

  “I’m still too mouthy.”

  “It’s not—it’s not . . .” Will’s voice whispered in her mind. Be open with her. Give her a chance to be a big sister. “Teal, I-I lost a baby.”

  “Lacey! When?”

  “Christmastime.” Her voice shook. She pressed an arm across her abdomen. The emptiness there still felt like a huge void, as if she were missing
half her body.

  “Christmastime? That was—what—eight months ago? I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”

  “I didn’t talk much about it. It-it wasn’t an easy pregnancy. There were problems from the start.”

  “Oh, Lace. How far along were you?”

  “Five months.”

  “I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how awful that must be. Will you try again?”

  Lacey raked her fingers through the thatch of horse-mane hair that worked best when it was long enough to braid. It did not quite reach the middle of her ears. She thought of that morning’s visit with the specialist, of the prescription in her bag for estrogen. The crater in her abdomen ached as if literally crying out not only for the missing baby, but for the missing womb.

  She could not answer Teal’s question.

  Teal said, “Forget I asked that. It’s way too personal for a long-distance relative.”

  “You’re my sister, not a relative. There’s a difference.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not exactly the ideal model for either. But I am sincerely sorry for your loss, yours and Will’s.”

  “Thank you.” She relaxed, grateful for the out. “Speaking of sisters, Will and I are at Pine’s Bookstore in Portland. Remember when Grandma Jo brought us here? One time you and I spent the afternoon in a corner, and you read an entire Nancy Drew book to me.”

  Teal chuckled. “I remember that. We had happy times with her, didn’t we? I wish she had lived longer.”

  They reminisced about those few happy visits with the sweet grandmother who had lived in Portland. How she could have possibly been the mother of Owen never made sense to them.

  By the time Will joined Lacey, she was smiling, amazed at the first regular conversation she’d enjoyed with Teal since . . . since . . . She had no idea since when.

  Chapter 18

  LOS ANGELES

  Teal closed her phone, leaned back in her chair, and stared at the papers on her desk. They refused to come into focus.

  The conversation with Lacey weighed on her. Her sister had been pregnant over a year ago and never mentioned the good news? She had let eight months go by before announcing the bad news of a miscarriage? Something was not right about this.