Where the Memories Lie

by Sibel Hodge

  ‘I won’t tell them, but I need to know what happened to her. Where is she? Did you really bury her?’

  He muttered something so quietly that I had to lean forward, unsure I’d heard him correctly. Hoping with all my might I hadn’t heard him correctly at all.

  ‘What was that?’ I asked as a wave of dizziness hit me. ‘Can you tell me again?’

  ‘My house.’

  ‘Which house? Not Tate Barn?’ I squeezed my eyelids shut tight and took a deep breath in and out, willing my stomach to stop spinning. When I opened them again he was staring at me, his bloodshot eyes etched with sadness.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Where at Tate Barn?’ I managed to say, even though it felt like I had cotton wool stuffed in my mouth.

  ‘I’m sorry, Olivia. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I know. Where at Tate Barn? I need you to tell me. Where’s her body?’

  His voice, when it came, was raspy and cracked. ‘Underneath the garage.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  I don’t know how I made it home without spilling the contents of my stomach at the side of the road. Even then part of me was still trying desperately to cling on to the idea that this was all one huge innocent mistake, but I couldn’t ignore the facts that were piling up.

  Katie went missing and was never heard from again. She’d vanished without a trace. Tom had confessed to killing her and burying her under the garage of the barn he’d been renovating at that time. The barn that we now lived in.

  Had Katie really been under our feet this whole time? For twenty-five years? Had I parked my car overtop of her body without knowing? Walked over her skeleton? Ethan had worked on his bike there. Anna had helped him, when she was going through a tomboy stage and wanted to do everything her dad did, following him around, copying his every move. Had we all been just inches away from a corpse?

  I’d seen and heard some horrific things in my time as a nurse, and I wasn’t squeamish, far from it, but this . . . this went above and beyond anything I could comprehend.

  Terrible thoughts chased around in my head. And the real question, the one ballooning in my brain, was what to do about it. I was convinced Tom was completely lucid when he was talking about Katie. But should I tell someone or should I keep quiet?

  It’s going to destroy the whole family. You can’t tell anyone!

  You can’t NOT tell. This is a murder!

  You don’t know that. It could’ve been an accident.

  Why would he have tried to hide it so long if it was just an accident?

  Can you really stay silent about it? This was your friend. Don’t you want to know what happened to her?

  You’ll wreck everything. Think of Anna and Ethan, and everyone else if you’re wrong!

  Back and forth I went. I didn’t want to go home yet. I needed to think. I drove to Chesil Beach and walked along the shore, agonising over what to do. But after three hours of soul searching, the only thing I was certain of was that I needed to talk to someone. I needed to talk to my husband.

  When I finally drove in through my gates, I saw Ethan’s Range Rover parked on the driveway, outside the garage that just maybe happened to have my friend’s body buried under it.

  Bile rose again and my mouth flooded with saliva. Beads of sweat broke out on my forehead.

  Do not be sick.

  I took a deep breath, got back in the Mini and drove it forward, parking behind Ethan. Then I closed the gates and headed for the house.

  ‘Hey, Mum.’ Anna swung the door open before I could even unlock it. ‘Guess what? Dad’s back early.’

  I forced a smile and kissed her on the cheek before stepping inside and dropping my handbag on the quarry-tiled floor in the hallway next to the stairs. The place was now thankfully boxless, returned to our usual semi-tidy chaos of a few pairs of shoes randomly kicked off by Anna and Ethan, and Ethan’s briefcase.

  ‘Yes, I saw his car,’ I said brightly. Or tried to, anyway. I think it came out sounding more wobbly and off-key. ‘Where is he?’

  ‘He’s in the shower. He said he was going to take us to the pub for dinner before he goes to see Granddad.’

  ‘Right. I think we’re going to have to do that another night.’ I marched into the kitchen and picked up the hands-free phone.

  ‘But Mum, I already know what I’m going to have!’

  I dialled Nadia’s number and listened to the ring tone on the other end.

  ‘Mum! Are you listening?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘I’m going to have their carbonara. It’s yum.’

  ‘Hello?’ Nadia picked up, breathless, on the other end.

  ‘Hi, it’s me.’

  ‘Can I ring you back in a minute? I’m just in the middle of working out some costings for the charity bash and—’

  ‘No,’ I butted in.

  ‘What?’ she asked incredulously.

  I turned to Anna. ‘This is a private conversation. Can you wait in the lounge for me?’

  ‘What’s going on?’ Nadia said down the phone.

  ‘Why are you acting all weird?’ Anna frowned. ‘I want to go out for dinner. Dad said—’

  ‘I’m not acting weird!’ I snapped again, unable to control myself any longer. I didn’t do this. I wasn’t a snappy person, but under these circumstances I thought it was justified, plus I think I was a little hysterical by that point. ‘And we’re not going for dinner! Go in the lounge and shut the door.’

  A flash of hurt sparked in Anna’s eyes before she turned away. ‘Suit yourself.’ Then she muttered something that sounded like ‘weirdo’. She slammed the lounge door and turned on the TV to ear-splitting volume. Even for a good girl, she still had her moments. She wasn’t an angel.

  ‘Can Anna come over to yours tonight?’

  ‘What’s going on?’

  I debated whether to tell her yet. She had a right to know, but I still wanted to cling on to that little sliver of doubt that I couldn’t trust what Tom was saying. Even though he’d been pretty clear in what he’d done and where he’d put her body, I couldn’t reconcile the Tom I knew with someone who would murder Katie, and I didn’t want to tell anyone else until I had concrete evidence. There was no point upsetting the rest of the family until I was one hundred per cent certain.

  ‘Just a family emergency,’ I said. ‘So, can she?’

  ‘Have you had a row with Ethan?’

  Not yet, but I can guarantee one will be happening in the next few minutes. ‘No. But we need to sort something out in private.’

  ‘Oh, God.’ She dropped her voice. ‘You don’t think he’s messing around, too, do you?’

  ‘No! It’s nothing like that. Look, can I drop Anna round or not?’ I said impatiently.

  ‘Yeah, of course.’

  ‘She hasn’t had any dinner yet, though. Can you feed her?’

  ‘We haven’t eaten yet, either. We were waiting for Lucas, who should be here any minute. I’ve made miles too much, as usual, anyway. Yeah, she can come over whenever.’ She paused. ‘Are you OK? You sound really weird.’

  How did I answer that? No, I wasn’t OK. I wanted to vomit and yell and cry. Probably all three at the same time.

  ‘I’ll be there in a minute.’ I hung up, grabbed the car keys I’d only just put on the island and opened the door to the lounge. ‘Anna, you’re going to Charlotte’s for a few hours,’ I shouted over the noise of the TV.

  ‘What? Why? I want to go out with you and Dad.’ She pouted.

  ‘Sorry, but we’re not going out. There’s been a change of plan. I need to talk to him about something important. Come on, you love going to Charlotte’s.’

  ‘But I’m hungry,’ she whined.

  I didn’t have time for this now so I rolled my eyes and jerked my head to the door. ‘Come on. Now. I’ll explain later.’ Which
was probably the worst thing to say because Anna questioned me over and over on the short car ride there.

  ‘If you’re going to tell me later, you might as well tell me now. Come on, Mum, why can’t you tell me? I wanted to go out with you and Dad. Go on, tell me. What’s the big secret?’

  I’d never been so glad in my life to get rid of my daughter for a few hours, but as soon as she was out of the car I felt guilty. Then I was angry at Tom for putting me in that position in the first place.

  By the time I got home, hot and harassed, Ethan was on the phone in the kitchen. He put it down as I came through the hallway.

  ‘I was just calling your mobile. Where’s Anna? I thought we could all go to the pub for dinner.’

  ‘What are you doing home?’

  He raised his eyebrows and laughed in mock annoyance. ‘Well, that’s nice, isn’t it? I’ve rearranged some things so I can stay for a bit and spend some time with Dad.’

  I rubbed my forehead. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. I thought I was going to have to tell you over the phone. But . . . shit.’ I dropped onto the stool at the island before my legs gave way.

  ‘Tell me what?’ The grin slid off his face. ‘What’s wrong? Is Anna OK? Where is she?’

  ‘No, Anna’s fine.’ I ran a shaky hand through my hair.

  ‘Oh, no. It’s Dad, isn’t it? They didn’t ring you to say he’s had another heart attack, did they?’

  ‘No, he’s . . . um . . . he’s not ill.’ I stared at the exterior kitchen wall that was nearest to the detached double garage, as if I could see through the layers of brick and concrete with X-ray eyes.

  ‘Then what’s up? You look a bit ill, actually. Have you been overdoing it?’ He sat next to me and pushed a tendril of hair behind my ear.

  Was Katie really buried under our garage? ‘Bloody hell. I don’t know how to say this.’

  ‘You’re scaring me now. What’s wrong?’ His voice turned hard and deep. He cupped my chin between his thumb and forefinger and turned my face away from the wall back to him.

  ‘It’s Tom.’

  ‘You said he was OK.’

  ‘No, not like that.’ I stared into his worried face. ‘It started with Georgia, but it wasn’t really about her. He was just getting two different stories mixed up together.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘It wasn’t Georgia he killed. I think it was Katie.’

  ‘What?’ His eyebrows shot up to his forehead.

  I swallowed hard and talked slowly, telling him about how Tom had confessed to me that he’d killed Katie. That I checked her medical records to see which doctor’s surgery she’d used in the years since she went missing but there was no trace of her. It was like she’d vanished. That I’d spoken to Chris, who’d reminded me he was the last one to see her, and that she was walking towards our house. And that Tom had told me exactly where he’d buried her body.

  ‘Not this again! You’ve got to be joking!’ He shot off the stool so quickly the movement sent it clattering to the floor. He ran a hand through his hair, his mouth gaping open.

  ‘I wish I was.’ Despite the summer warmth in the air I felt chilly and wrapped my arms around myself, rubbing up and down.

  ‘You can’t seriously think he knows what he’s saying.’ He paced the floor. ‘He said he’d killed Georgia and that was just a waste of everyone’s time. This is the same. He’s just fixated on some strange, messed-up story. Katie is alive and well somewhere.’

  ‘I don’t think so. He was getting the story about Georgia mixed up with what he’d done to Katie.’

  ‘No.’ He shook his head vehemently. ‘No.’

  ‘Then where is Katie?’

  ‘She ran away! The whole point of running away is so no one can find you!’ He threw his hands in the air.

  ‘I don’t think that’s what happened. If she did, why didn’t anyone ever request her medical records?’

  He blinked for a moment, taking that in. ‘I don’t know. Maybe she’s never been ill.’

  ‘What, in twenty-five years?’

  ‘When was the last time I went to the doctor?’

  I shrugged. ‘At the very least she’d need a smear test every five years from the age of about twenty. And she was on the pill, she’d need a prescription to carry on with that, but there was nothing, Ethan. No record in all these years.’

  ‘That doesn’t prove anything.’ He paced the floor.

  ‘Tom told me! He told me she was buried under the garage. The garage we’ve been walking over all this time. Right next to where we’ve been living. Where Anna’s been living!’ I shouted and pointed in the direction of the garage. ‘We have to find out if she’s under there. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t.’

  He stopped pacing, leaned against the oven, his face red with anger. ‘No bloody way.’

  ‘This is my house, too. We have to tell the police. We have to. How can we not?’ I shrieked. ‘Katie’s buried under the concrete floor and Tom killed her. I know it.’

  ‘You don’t know anything. Why would he kill her? Answer me that. What reason could Dad possibly have for killing her?’

  My neck shook in a nervous twitch. ‘I don’t know. I’ve been thinking that they might’ve been having an affair.’

  ‘What? Are you mad? She was eighteen and he would’ve been . . .’

  ‘Fifty.’ I’d had time to work out the age difference. ‘So what? Plenty of men have affairs with younger women.’

  ‘Dad wouldn’t have had an affair with his own son’s girlfriend! He loved us. He would have never done something to hurt us.’

  ‘But I remembered something she said to me at the time and I thought she was talking about Chris, except now I think she was actually talking about Tom.’

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘She implied they’d had sex, but Chris says he never slept with her after they split up. She was talking about someone who was with us at the pub that jazz night before she left. Now I think she meant Tom.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous!’

  ‘Is it? He could’ve been secretly sleeping with her. After all, he’d been involved in a relationship with Georgia before without anyone knowing.’

  ‘Katie always was a troublemaker. I never knew why you liked her so much. She was sly and lied and she even stole stuff from Nadia’s room when she was here seeing Chris. Did you know that?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Look, I know she was your best friend and everything, but it’s true. When Katie first started going out with Chris, Nadia didn’t think anything of it. Little things would disappear from her room and she just thought she’d misplaced them, or Dad had moved them when he was tidying up. But then it was bigger things. Sometimes Dad would give her her weekly pocket money and she’d leave it on her dressing table, but then later she’d discover a couple of pounds missing. Or she’d look for some clothes that she hadn’t worn for ages and they’d be gone. And jewellery, too. Then she worked it out that it always happened after Katie had been in the house visiting Chris.’

  A vivid memory flashed into my head of Katie and me when we were about sixteen. My mum had given us a lift into Dorchester to spend my Christmas money and we were in a new trendy shop that had just opened, trying on piles of outfits in the changing rooms. It was a Saturday and madly busy. The staff were harassed at the tills with a long queue and hadn’t had time to take out the discarded clothes left in the changing rooms by shoppers who didn’t want their selected items. Katie went into her cubicle with a couple of dresses and a pair of jeans while I took the one next to her with a few skirts and a new bra in hand. We took our time, slipping in and out of the cubicles as we got changed into our new items and parading them up and down the centre of the room for each other in front of the mirrors, doing a bizarre walk that was supposed to make us look like a couple of catwalk models b
ut really made us look like we both had one leg shorter than the other.

  My stuff looked awful on me but the two dresses looked great on Katie. I asked if she was going to get them but she said she couldn’t afford to. I even offered to buy her one. I was sick of seeing her in the same old clothes all the time. Probably not as sick as she was, though, thinking about it now. She waved me off and said she didn’t like them that much, anyway, so it was no biggie. It wasn’t until we were on the bus on the way home that she opened her big handbag and showed me the dresses folded up into tiny bundles inside.

  I was shocked, of course, but I just thought it was daring and brave of her. It was my rebellious streak coming out again. Yes, Katie could be a troublemaker and a live wire, but she was fun and wild and reckless and exciting, too. No one would stop her doing what she wanted. And anyway, didn’t most youngsters dabble in a bit of shoplifting? She justified it by saying that if the staff weren’t interested enough to try and stop people stealing, then why should she feel bad?

  I shook the memory away and tried to question what Ethan had said, but I knew deep down it was the truth. ‘Was Nadia sure it was Katie? She never stole anything from me.’

  ‘She said she was positive.’ He shook his head at me. ‘You always see the good in people instead of the bad.’

  ‘Maybe.’ I shrugged. ‘Did Nadia confront her about it?’

  ‘Yeah, but Katie denied it. Then Chris finished with her a few days later, which I was glad about.’

  ‘Well, people change, don’t they? We all do things when we’re younger that we regret. Are you saying you were the model child?’ I snorted.

  ‘No, of course not, but she was a thief and a liar and a troublemaker.’

  ‘Well, whether she was a thief or liar is not the point.’

  ‘What is the point, then? That you’d rather believe Dad is a murderer than that Katie didn’t just run away? She could’ve changed her name.’ He gave me a knowing smirk. ‘That’s why there are no medical records. Did you think about that?’

  I hadn’t thought of that. It was possible, I supposed, but in my heart I knew that wasn’t right.