Where the Memories Lie

by Sibel Hodge

  ‘Do you happen to remember seeing Tom the day Katie wrote the letter and left home?’ DI Spencer asked.

  I shook my head. ‘No. After PC Cook came and asked me if I knew anything about where Katie had gone, I thought I’d try and look for her myself. I checked the pub, but she wasn’t there, and I borrowed Mum’s car and drove to Abbotsbury because she was last seen by Chris heading in that direction. Then I went to Dorchester. We used to like hanging out in one of the parks there when the weather was nice. Just lying on the ground and staring at the sky, chatting, you know. Well, this was before she got upset about Chris breaking up with her. After that she didn’t want to hang out at all, really. But anyway, she wasn’t there, of course, so I drove to some other places that were our usual haunts over the years. Here,’ I pointed out to the beach, ‘and then on to Weymouth. It was getting dark by the time I got back and I went to Tom’s house to see Ethan. The other house, I mean, their old one on the other side of the village. At that time I just thought she’d come back in a few days’ time. I didn’t think she was serious about running away, even though PC Cook told me about the letter, so I wasn’t that worried at first. But . . .’ I trailed off, remembering how I’d followed Ethan up the stairs to go to his room and seen Chris coming out of the bathroom, obviously upset, with a flushed face and tear-stained cheeks.

  ‘She’s gone. Katie’s gone.’ Chris had gripped my arm so tight his fingernails had dug into my flesh. ‘PC Cook told me.’

  ‘I’m sure she’ll turn up soon. She’s probably had another row with Jack and Rose and she’s just gone to cool off. She’ll be back in a few days.’ I pulled my arm away. ‘Chris, that’s hurting.’

  ‘What?’ He looked at my arm with confusion. ‘Oh, sorry.’ He let go.

  ‘She’s just looking for attention.’ Ethan was sitting on the top step, folding his arms. ‘She’s a drama queen. She’s probably only done it so you go running back to her.’

  Chris shook his head adamantly. ‘She’s gone. She’s gone and she’s not coming back.’

  DS Khan’s voice brought me back to the present. ‘But, what?’

  ‘Pardon?’

  She watched me carefully, her eyebrows pinched together. ‘You said you weren’t worried at first “but”.’

  ‘Oh, Ethan thought the same as me – that it would blow over and she’d come back soon. Chris was adamant she was already gone for good.’

  DI Spencer caught DS Khan’s eye.

  ‘What did the rest of the family think when they heard Katie had run away?’ DI Spencer took a sip of coffee.

  I stared into my drink, trying to remember. ‘Well, Nadia wasn’t there that night when I got back, I don’t think. She was probably with Lucas. And I don’t remember seeing Tom, either. I stayed at their house that night but Ethan and I were watching a film or something in his bedroom, and I don’t think I saw Tom until the next morning when Ethan and I got up for uni.’ What an awful friend I was. I’d been watching TV or having sex with Ethan while she’d probably been dying.

  ‘What happened as the time went on and Katie didn’t come back? How did Tom and Chris react?’ DI Spencer finished his coffee and placed the cup in a circular holder between the front seats.

  ‘Chris was just really upset all the time and kept wanting to talk to me about it because I was her friend. He said he felt guilty. That it was his fault she’d run off. It took him a long time to get over Katie. Even though he was the one who ended things with her, he was clearly still in love with her. I think it took about four years for him to start seeing Abby − that was who he married, eventually. Tom . . .’ I shrugged. ‘I don’t really remember. I don’t remember him saying very much about it, although Ethan thinks Tom was happy they’d split up.’

  ‘We’ve just spoken to Lucas but he doesn’t remember anything helpful. We’ll need to speak to Ethan again, although he wasn’t answering his mobile phone earlier.’

  ‘No, he’s off walking somewhere again. He’s very upset about everything that’s happened.’

  ‘I appreciated this is very raw for you all.’ DI Spencer was silent for a moment. He glanced at a seagull that landed briefly on the side mirror before flying off again with a piercing screech. ‘Did Tom pressure Chris to end his relationship with her?’

  ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Do you think Tom was having an affair with Katie?’ DS Khan asked.

  I swallowed back the lump in my throat. ‘It’s possible.’

  There was silence for a moment before DS Khan asked, ‘Do you have any other ideas of who could be the father of Katie’s baby?’

  I stared out of the window again. That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it?

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I was torn between going to Chris’s and asking him again whether he’d slept with Katie and going home for Anna. Anna was my priority. He’d already told me twice he hadn’t slept with Katie in the seven months after they’d split up, which meant he couldn’t be the father − even if his sperm had started out life as Olympic swimmers − so there was no point asking again. But Tom? Was it really possible he’d got her pregnant? Was Katie using that as leverage to get money from him? Had she, in fact, planned the pregnancy to trap one of them all along? When it didn’t work with Chris because he was infertile, she tried to sleep with Ethan, and when that didn’t work, either, because he turned her down, had she then resorted to Tom?

  I had always defended her over the years, but had Katie been more conniving and sly than I’d ever realised before?

  When I got to the barn, it looked like Anna hadn’t budged from the TV all day. An empty bowl sat on the floor by her feet with the remnants of one of those packet cheesy pasta dishes that take five minutes in the microwave.

  ‘It stinks in here.’ I opened the French doors that faced the front garden to let in some air. I was about to tell her off for not putting the bowl in the dishwasher but had second thoughts. I didn’t want to upset her and start off a crying fit again. I picked up the bowl, along with an empty glass of orange juice.

  She turned the TV off with the remote control and looked at me, her mouth turned down in a serious expression. ‘Do you believe in reincarnation?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because I think it’s impossible. And if you were reincarnated as someone else or something else, how would you even know you used to be someone else in the first place?’

  ‘Huh?’ She frowned.

  I shrugged. I didn’t know what I meant, either, but I knew she wouldn’t let it lie until we’d talked about it. ‘If you came back as a tree, for example, trees don’t have brains, do they? So they won’t remember they used to be you before, so how would you actually know you were reincarnated? If you were a tree. Or something equally brainless.’

  She ignored me and drew her knees up to her chest. ‘I’ve been thinking about it a lot, though,’ she carried on. ‘And I think it’s a really nice idea. Poppy could really be someone we know, couldn’t she? She could actually be Granny Tate. I mean, how do you know her spirit didn’t come back inside Poppy when she died?’

  I bit back a remark about how crazy that sounded. But if Anna wanted to believe in reincarnation, maybe it was a good thing. Anything that helped her get over Tom’s death was a good thing, especially since Ethan and I would now have to break the even worse news about the skeleton being Katie. Anyway, Poppy hadn’t even been born when Eve died.

  ‘Yes, maybe she is,’ I agreed, hoping to make her feel better about things.

  ‘Which means that Granddad could come back as something else or someone else, too. Which means he’s not really dead, is he? He’s just kind of . . . in limbo, waiting to return.’

  ‘Well, when you look at it like that, I suppose so, yes.’ I tried to raise a smile in agreement.

  ‘And the people on death row, they’ll come back as
something else, won’t they?’

  ‘Hopefully not as psychotic murderers again,’ I said.

  ‘They’d have to come back as an animal or an insect if they’d done something wrong, because I think the Buddhists believe that only people who do good things come back as humans. If you committed a crime then you’d come back as, like, a goat or a snail, or a mosquito or something. I’m not a hundred per cent sure, though. I need to do some more research.’

  ‘Oh, well, that makes sense. Karma and all that. Who wants to be a mosquito?’

  ‘So, say for example, you got pregnant again right now, my baby brother or sister could actually be Granddad. It’s weird, when you think about it, isn’t it?’

  According to what she’d just said, Tom would more likely come back as an ant or a flea, I thought.

  She grabbed the laptop from the floor and opened it. ‘I’m going to google it some more.’

  I kissed the top of her head, thankful the conversation was over and worrying about how to broach the next one.

  As I put the bowl and glass in the dishwasher my gaze strayed to the garage again. What had really happened here twenty-five years ago?

  I tried Ethan’s mobile phone but it was still switched off. He’d done this every day since Tom’s death but he was usually back when I got home from work so I was starting to get worried.

  I went into my bedroom, shut the door and phoned Nadia, but I didn’t even have to ask her the question because as soon as she heard my voice, she said, ‘He’s here.’

  ‘Oh.’ I tried to hide the disappointment that my husband had turned to Nadia for comfort rather than me. I felt excluded. But then I told myself I was being petty and ridiculous. If he needed to talk to his sister to help him cope, who was I to stop him? Still, what about me? I needed comforting, too. I was being left to answer Anna’s questions and deal with the police and my own conflicting feelings about what had really happened to Katie while he just distanced himself from me. From us.

  ‘Do you want to talk to him?’

  ‘Yes, please, if it’s not too much trouble.’ I really tried not to sound snarky, but it didn’t work.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ she asked.

  ‘We’ve got to tell Anna and Charlotte now,’ I whispered down the phone. ‘The police told me that it was definitely Katie in the garage.’

  ‘Well, they haven’t bothered to phone me and let me know! What if Charlotte saw Rose in the village and she got nasty with her?’

  ‘I don’t think they planned on seeing me today, I just caught them leaving Chris’s house and they wanted to talk to me. No doubt they’ll want to speak to you again, too. There’s something else, as well, as if it isn’t already bad enough. Katie was pregnant.’

  She was silent on the other end for so long I thought we’d been cut off.

  ‘Nadia? Are you still there?’

  ‘Um . . . yes. Um, that was a shock.’

  ‘That’s what I said. They asked Chris to do a DNA test. And they’re testing one from Tom, too.’

  ‘Chris? He can’t have kids.’

  ‘I already told them that.’

  ‘It could be Jack’s baby, I suppose, if something was going on.’

  ‘The police think she would’ve terminated it if it was Jack’s, and I think they’re right. But, anyway, I agree with you about Rose. She can be pretty volatile, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned up here drunk and upset. Maybe we should go round to see her and apologise.’

  ‘We don’t even know that Dad did anything yet so how can we apologise?’

  ‘Even if he didn’t actually . . .’ I lowered my voice again so Anna wouldn’t hear me from downstairs, ‘. . . kill her, then he still knew something and covered it up, so, yes, I think we should go and apologise.’

  ‘I don’t know . . . What if she gets violent? Look, talk to Ethan about it.’ There was some rustling on the other end.

  ‘Who will get violent?’ Ethan asked.

  ‘I’ll explain when I come over. I’m going to bring Anna. I think it would be best if we all tell the girls together. And it would probably be better for Anna if we didn’t tell her here.’

  ‘Tell them what?’ I heard the weariness in his voice. ‘What else has happened?’

  ‘I’ll be there in ten minutes, OK?’

  Nadia and Lucas liked everything minimalist. They’d hired Ethan to design their house on a plot of land on the other side of the village. Some of the locals had protested at the planning meeting, saying it was too modern and not in keeping with the traditional stone cottages that made up a lot of the area. This house was more a cube, made of lots of glass and white concrete. It wasn’t my thing − I always thought it felt too sterile, like a show house − but they loved it. And on the upside, at least there was lots of light. There were no photos on shelves. Actually, there weren’t any shelves anywhere, just display cabinets with closed glass doors and downlighters. Maybe they had a point about the minimalist thing. No shelves equalled no dusting, which would save time. I made a note to myself to remember that. There were photos on the walls, though, instead of paintings. In the kitchen was a black and white one of Nadia and Lucas taken years ago by Chris, probably about the time Katie went missing. Chris always preferred to be behind the camera rather than in front of it. And he took very good pictures. In this one, they were mucking around in the garden of Lucas’s parents’ house, pretending to tango, and Chris had caught them as Lucas dipped Nadia backwards, her long hair swishing to the floor, one leg bent in a sexy pose. Lucas’s arm supported her around her waist, and they were both staring into each other’s eyes with a look of pure adoration and happiness.

  Anna disappeared up to Charlotte’s room to play on some new computer game. Charlotte had been bugging Nadia about it for months, and Nadia had promised her if she worked hard for her GCSEs, she could have it, along with one hundred pounds for every A-star she got, eighty pounds for every A, sixty pounds for a B, etc. Modern parenting meant bribing your kids to do well at school.

  I heard Anna’s laugh filter downstairs and felt a pang of guilt twist inside. It was the first time I’d heard her laugh since Tom had died and now we were going to give her a reason to silence it again.

  I told them everything that happened with DI Spencer and DS Khan earlier.

  Ethan sat on the sofa in the lounge and looked out of the window, which backed on to a view of a field full of black and white cows. He looked like he’d aged about ten years since this all began. ‘I can’t believe she was pregnant.’

  ‘It’s awful.’ Nadia’s face had turned a deathly pale shade. ‘Not just for Katie, but the baby, too. But I don’t believe it’s Dad’s. It can’t be.’

  ‘Neither do I,’ Ethan said.

  ‘It can’t have been an immaculate conception,’ I said.

  ‘Could Chris really be the father?’ Ethan looked at Nadia, ignoring my comment.

  I sank back into the sofa, kicked off my flip-flops and curled up my legs to the side. ‘I don’t know. Like DI Spencer said, just because he has a low sperm count now doesn’t mean it wasn’t perfectly OK when he was eighteen. Obviously Tom knew something about Katie’s death, and we don’t know what yet, but if he knew where her body was, then there are only three reasons why.’ I ticked them off on my fingers. ‘One, he killed her and buried the body. Two, he killed her with someone else and buried the body. Or three, he knew who killed her, buried her body himself and hid the secret to protect someone.’ And that’s when Tom’s words echoed in my head again.

  I was just protecting my family. I was just doing what a parent should.

  But what exactly was he protecting the family from, though? What kind of threat had Katie been?

  ‘No. Chris did not get her pregnant and kill her, either.’ Ethan scrubbed a hand over the stubble on his cheeks. His voice had lost some of the volatile anger of the previou
s few days and now just sounded exhausted. ‘It’s as ridiculous as Dad doing it.’

  ‘Well, someone did,’ I said. ‘And Tom obviously knew about it.’

  ‘We need to wait for the DNA test before we do any more speculating,’ Nadia said. ‘In the meantime, what are we going to tell Charlotte and Anna? The police are asking questions. I heard from the office today that they’d been looking through the records to do with the barn conversion, trying to find out who was employed on site at the time. No doubt they’ve been in the village asking questions, too. And now Katie’s been officially identified, Rose will know, and I’m worried how she’s going to react.’

  ‘Me, too,’ I said. ‘That’s why I think we should go and apologise to her. Give our condolences.’

  ‘That’s not a good idea,’ Ethan said. ‘It’s just asking for trouble with her.’

  ‘Well, I don’t agree. How would you feel if Jack had confessed to killing Anna?’

  ‘I’d want to kill him.’

  ‘Exactly, Liv.’ Nadia bit her lip. ‘She’ll be really upset and angry with us. I think we should just leave it.’

  ‘I can’t just leave it,’ I said.

  ‘You’re asking for trouble. But then you always do exactly what you want, don’t you?’ Ethan snapped.

  ‘Hey, that’s not fair! What are you talking about?’ I searched his face.

  ‘This is all your doing,’ he burst out.

  ‘What?’ My lips fell open.

  It seemed like since Tom had unburdened his awful confession, we were constantly angry with each other. Even though he was sitting just on the other side of the sofa from me, it felt as if he was another continent away. I knew he was grieving, of course, but it felt like more than that. He was distancing himself, shutting me out, blaming me.

  ‘You can never leave things alone, can you?’ he muttered. ‘It’s like you have to pick, pick, pick until you get people to do what you want.’

  ‘What?’ I hissed. ‘What the hell are you going on about?’ I had no idea where this was coming from. What was happening to us?