Where the Memories Lie

by Sibel Hodge

  I didn’t know what to think anymore. The only thing I did know with certainty was that I didn’t want to be in the same house as Ethan at that moment. I needed some time to get my head around this.

  I paced up and down. Should I call the police and let them deal with it? But Ethan wasn’t just my husband; he was also the father of my child. Anna had been through enough already in the last week; how would she react if her dad was accused of murder in the midst of everything else? It would shatter her already fragile emotions to smithereens. Somehow I had to protect her from the fallout.

  I glanced up as Ethan appeared in the lounge doorway carrying a small suitcase, his eyes cold and dark. There he stood, familiar and yet alien at the same time.

  ‘I’m going to stay in a hotel. Tell Anna I’m working in York. I can’t . . . I can’t be anywhere near you right now.’

  I opened my mouth to scream something back – probably ‘Good!’, which would just sound childish – but my murdering husband etiquette was also apparently in need of some work.

  But is he really a murderer?

  I braced myself for the slam of the front door but it closed with a soft click and the Range Rover started on the driveway.

  Nausea erupted in my stomach and I ran to the bathroom where I was violently sick. My eyes stung and my throat burned as I retched again and again. When I was empty and spent, I sank to my knees on the floor, buried my head in my hands and sobbed. For myself, for Anna, for Charlotte, for Nadia and Lucas, and for a girl whose life had been cruelly snatched away from her.

  Chapter Thirty

  I lay in bed on my side, examining Anna’s sleeping face in the splashes of moonlight that filtered through the window. Her snub nose, the chicken pox scar on her left temple, the beauty spot on her right cheek. I remembered the night she was born. In an attempt to take my mind off the labour pains, Ethan was prancing around in the delivery suite, pretending to be a ballet dancer, doing pliés and pirouettes, singing any songs that were baby related. He started off with Salt N Pepper’s Push It. And I think he gave Queen’s I Want to Break Free a go before butchering Curiosity Killed the Cat’s Hang on in There, Baby. He had me in stitches in the middle of a contraction, although I couldn’t completely laugh my head off because I was in so much pain and trying hard to breathe.

  How would she cope if Ethan was taken away and put in prison? How could I be the one to put Anna in that position? She would hate me forever.

  I’d do anything for her. She was my life. My miracle. Anything I could do to protect her, I would do in a second. And wasn’t that what Tom had been trying to tell me, too?

  The questions chased each other round and round in my head as I curled into a ball. What had gone through Tom’s head when he was covering up Katie’s death? Did Ethan kill her? Was Chris involved or did Tom really do this all by himself? Were all three of them in it together? How could I expose myself and Anna to Ethan if he had been involved? How could I live with someone if he’d murdered my friend? Or so-called friend. How could I ever be sure he was really being honest with me again? There would always be that permanent doubt and mistrust, just like with infidelity. I almost found myself wishing I’d discovered Ethan was having an affair, instead of this. But then I nearly laughed. He had probably been having an affair all along. With Katie.

  At first I felt numb. So frozen with shock and uncertainty that I couldn’t even cry anymore. As if my blood had stopped flowing. I felt disconnected from reality, separate from my body as though I were looking down at myself from a great height. Then a gripping fear that I’d never experienced before crushed at my chest with such force it was hard to breathe.

  But if Ethan wasn’t guilty, had I ruined my marriage in my quest for the truth? A truth I was still no closer to finding out. A truth I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know anymore. So far, it was buried deep beneath layers of lies and deceit.

  My head buzzed with pressure, as if it was about to cave in, my brain riddled with dark thoughts. One minute I decided I should go to the police and let them handle it. I wasn’t equipped to deal with another murder investigation. It wasn’t my responsibility to shoulder this. If Ethan or Chris were involved, they had to pay the price. That was the law. It was what I would’ve believed before any of this happened. When Anna was asking me before about her death row project, I was adamant that people should be punished for their actions. If you can’t do the time, then don’t do the crime, and all that. But the next minute, I thought about Anna and what this would do to her. The long-term effects of having a father in prison. She wouldn’t just be labelled as the granddaughter of a killer anymore: she’d jump up a branch on the murdering family tree stakes. Didn’t I have a duty to shield her from harm? Could I take the risk of possibly ripping Ethan away from her and destroying her world? How could I be the one to break up the family? It would mean the end of everything we had left. Our lives would slide down a slippery slope into a black chasm. I’d always believed in the truth. Believed in being honest and not telling lies. But was that always best for everyone? It was my fault that our family was being eaten up from the inside out. I’d wrecked everything. If I’d kept quiet, none of this would’ve happened. How could I be the one responsible for causing further damage and hurting Anna so badly?

  Anna let out a wavering sigh and her eyelids fluttered as if she was dreaming. I hoped it was a nice dream, rather than the nightmare reality closing in on me in the darkness.

  I slipped out of bed and went downstairs. Sitting at the kitchen table, I sipped whisky, trying to think and trying not to think simultaneously. As the darkness crept slowly into dawn and the start of another summer’s day, I still didn’t have a clue what to do next.

  When Anna woke a few hours later, she found me in the same position, feet perched on the edge of the chair, arms wrapped around myself, resting my chin on my knees and staring out into the woods beyond the barn.

  ‘Hey, sweetheart.’ I put my legs down and stretched, stiff from being in the same position for so long. ‘Sleep all right?’

  ‘Yeah.’ She shrugged, looking sad.

  ‘What do you want to do today?’

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t really want to go out anywhere in the village where people are going to see us. But I’m sick of being stuck indoors all the time.’

  ‘Why don’t we drive out to Swanage? Let’s take a picnic and sit on the beach, just the two of us. And Poppy.’

  Poppy’s ears pricked up from the corner of the room where she was curled in her doggy bed. Her tail swished from side to side on the floor.

  ‘OK. When does Charlotte get the results of her bone marrow biopsy?’

  ‘Hopefully soon.’

  ‘That’s horrible, isn’t it, all the waiting?’

  ‘Well, maybe she’ll be up to seeing us in the meantime and we can try to take her mind off it.’

  She nodded. ‘Is Dad at work?’

  ‘He’s in York. Not sure when he’ll be back.’ I stood and turned away from her. ‘Now, what do you fancy for breakfast?’

  ‘The car boot sale at school is on Sunday, and I’ve decided not to do it, after all,’ Anna said as we got into the car.

  ‘Right,’ I said, doing up my seatbelt.

  ‘I don’t really want to see any of the people from school there. Some of them live in the village, and they’ll know what Granddad did.’

  ‘We still don’t know what . . . Granddad did, sweetheart.’ I angled myself to face her. ‘But you can’t hide forever. When you go back to school next term, some people will know. There’s no getting around that, and sometimes you just have to face your fears. Sometimes the fear of doing something is worse than actually doing it.’ I reached out and rested a palm on her cheek. ‘But what you have to remember always is that you haven’t done anything wrong. What . . . um . . . Granddad did is nothing to do with you. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s actions excep
t your own.’

  And that’s when it hit me. Katie’s death was not our responsibility to take on and bury and keep in shame. These were not our lies to keep secret. Ethan or Chris or Tom had killed Katie. We shouldn’t all be defined by the actions of others. It wasn’t us who had murdered her. No matter what it would do to Anna and the rest of the family, and to me, I had a duty to let the police know what I’d found out about the necklace, and that’s exactly what I’d do, even if it was going to rip our family into even smaller shreds. It wasn’t up to me to be judge and jury alone. I wanted someone else to make the decisions for me.

  I was jarred from thoughts burning a hole in my brain by Anna’s voice.

  ‘Mum, you’re not listening, are you?’

  ‘Sorry, what?’

  ‘I said, maybe you’re right. If Charlotte can beat leukaemia, I can beat the gossip. They’re only words, anyway, aren’t they? And I still really want to raise money for the animal charity. I want to feel like I’m doing something to help.’

  I leaned over and held her close to me. My beautiful, clever, strong, brave girl. I knew then that we’d get through this together. Whatever happened, we’d survive. Eventually.

  As I pulled back my phone rang.

  I glanced at the screen and then at Anna. ‘It’s Aunty Nadia.’

  Anna bit her lip and clutched my hand.

  ‘What happened? Have you got the results?’ I asked breathlessly.

  ‘Yes. The doctor was right. Charlotte has acute lymphoblastic leukaemia.’

  So that was it. It was official. Any little ray of hope was now obliterated.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, knowing those words were totally inadequate but wanting to say them, anyway.

  ‘Charlotte is being quite brave about the whole thing. She hasn’t even cried once today, which is a marked improvement. She’s asking to see Anna. Are you guys free to come round?’

  The beach would have to wait until another day. This was much more important. ‘You bet.’

  ‘I called Ethan but he said he’s busy in meetings all day and he won’t get back until later.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I mumbled.

  ‘I’m worried about him. He’s taking all this really badly. I’ve never known him to be so . . . well, broody and silent.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Are you two all right?’

  ‘Um . . .’ A lump formed in my throat. I glanced out of the window, away from Anna so she wouldn’t notice me blinking rapidly. ‘How are you and Lucas holding up?’ I went for a complete change of direction instead.

  ‘He’s been amazing. Really supportive and loving. This is going to sound really strange but I think it will actually bring us closer together. It’s bizarre that a tragedy can heal some things, isn’t it? I think he’s broken it off with that woman at work.’

  ‘Really?’ I glanced at Anna, not wanting to say too much on my end because she’d hear. ‘That’s great. But how do you know?’

  ‘He hasn’t been getting any of the unusual texts on his phone.’

  ‘Well, I hope that’s the end of it, then.’

  ‘It is. I’m positive it is. You’re staying for dinner, OK?’ Nadia insisted.

  ‘Are you sure that’s not extra work?’

  ‘When has my family ever been extra work? Besides, it’ll give me something to do.’

  ‘OK, but I’ll help while Anna keeps Charlotte occupied.’

  I drove with Anna chatting on about how she was going to take Charlotte’s mind off things by playing Conspiracy Clubs, whatever that was. I wasn’t really listening. All I could think of was what I was going to say to DI Spencer about the necklace when I got a minute alone, rehearsing the lines silently in my head. Nothing sounded right. It all sounded wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Mum, you have to go into the garage for me,’ Anna said the next morning after we’d taken Poppy out for a long walk through the woods. She’d rolled in fox’s poo and absolutely reeked − Poppy, not Anna. I had no option but to give her a bath, which she hated, and usually ended up with me wearing more water than her. I really was not in the mood for it. In fact, the only thing I was in the mood for was repeatedly banging my head against a wall, or screaming at the top of my lungs in the garden, or curling up into a ball and crying for weeks, but I was desperately trying to hold it all together for Anna’s sake.

  ‘Why?’ I said, struggling to lift a heavy Poppy into the bath. Seeing that gaping hole in the ground again, Katie’s grave, was more than I could handle today. I had barely enough courage to call DI Spencer as soon as my little Klingon gave me some privacy, let alone see that again.

  She sat on the edge of the bath, waving a hand under her nose. ‘She stinks. Gross.’

  Poppy struggled to get out of the bath but her legs just slipped on the enamel and the water splashed up, soaking my arms and chest.

  ‘Ew!’ Anna jumped back and stood in the doorway.

  ‘If you want to roll in crap, then take the consequences,’ I said firmly to Poppy, who wouldn’t take a blind bit of notice. She’d do it again as soon as she could. ‘What do you want in the garage?’ I sighed. ‘I really don’t want to go in there at the moment.’

  ‘I’ve decided I’m definitely going to do the car boot sale, after all. If I don’t do what I can to raise money then I’ll feel like I’m being selfish and childish about the whole thing.’

  ‘Well, having principles and sticking to them is a mark of growing up, so I’m very proud of you.’ I gave her an encouraging smile as I lathered Poppy up with some doggy shampoo that smelled of . . . well, the label said honey, but it was really more like mouldy sprouts and something synthetic.

  ‘So I want to go through the stuff I’ve already collected. You know, you told me to put the box in the garage, so I did.’

  I rolled my eyes at her. Typical. The one time I wished she hadn’t taken any notice of me and she bloody well had. I sighed again. ‘Where did you put it in there?’

  ‘On one of the shelves.’

  ‘All right,’ I said reluctantly.

  Half an hour later, with a pissed-off wet dog, a pissed-off wet me and a tension headache boring behind my right eye, I confronted my own fears and went back into the garage. If I was going to talk the talk to my daughter about being brave, then I had to live by my own rules. Otherwise I was a hypocrite, and that idea didn’t sit well with me. I might be a lot of things, but I didn’t ever want to be one of those.

  I spied the box on the first shelf and heaved it down. God, it was heavy. How had Anna managed to lift it up there by herself?

  After closing the door again firmly, I prayed this was the last time I’d ever have to go back in there. When we sold the barn, I’d just employ a moving company to come in and pack everything up.

  I dumped the box on the island in the kitchen and called Anna. She came in and sat down on one of the stools while I made a cup of chamomile tea to stop my hands shaking with, well, with a culmination of everything, really.

  Anna pulled out two table tennis bats. ‘I got these off Chris.’

  I picked one up, a sudden memory of him and Ethan playing it together. ‘Yeah, he had a craze on ping pong for a while. Used to try and rope us all into playing. Granddad set up a table in the back garden one summer. It’s still in the garage, actually. Oh, where did you get that from?’ I picked up an ornately carved elephant in dark wood. Inside its belly you could see a baby elephant.

  ‘Nadia. She had loads of stuff in a box in the loft I went through. She said I could have whatever.’

  ‘She must’ve got it when they went on safari for their honeymoon.’

  ‘What’s that?’ I lifted out an old vinyl record of Complete Madness by Madness. It must’ve belonged to Lucas. He used to love them. Despite everything, I felt a smile overtake me, remembering us all dancing at Nadia and Lucas’s hous
e one day before the girls came along and we got a bit more sensible. All of us had arms and legs waving around, jumping up and down, Madness-style, and pogoing everywhere. I think Ethan actually got a black eye from Lucas’s elbow, and I accidentally smashed one of Nadia’s favourite glass vases that was a wedding present from a friend.

  ‘What’s funny?’ Anna asked.

  ‘Just us lot, being mad.’ Would we ever have the chance to laugh and be crazy together again? Or would Ethan or Chris be locked up in a prison cell for the rest of their life?

  I put it back then picked up another magic wooden box, smaller than the one Tom had made for Eve. It was made out of pine and had 21 carved into the top with flowers around it. I remembered Tom giving it to Nadia for her twenty-first birthday. ‘Did you ask Nadia if she wanted to keep this? Granddad made it for her.’

  She shrugged. ‘Yeah, I asked her. She said anything in the box could go.’

  ‘Do you really need to get everything out on the kitchen worktop?’

  She peered into the bottom of the box. ‘But I’m looking for the necklace that was in here. Did you see it?’ She turned to look at me. ‘It’s silver but it looks kind of dirty, and it’s got a pendant of a sun and a star on it with some writing on the back. It’s not here anymore.’

  Icy fingers of dread clamped over my scalp. ‘Necklace?’

  ‘Yeah. I think . . .’ She scrunched up her face. ‘I think it must’ve fallen out.’

  ‘Fallen out,’ I repeated, sounding like a parrot.

  ‘I was stretching up, trying to put the box on the shelf above but it was too heavy and it tipped over. Some of the stuff fell onto the floor. I picked up everything I could see, but I must’ve missed it. It’s probably still on the floor in there somewhere.’