The Hangover

by Emma Nichols

  ‘And what about what I want?’ Eva spat out the anger that had risen quickly. ‘When has anyone ever asked me what I fucking want?’ Her eyes burned as the feeling of rage made its presence felt.

  Carine looked at her and took a step back, impressed by the passion emanating from the young woman. She had guts after all. ‘You’re right.’ Her tone was bordering on apologetic, and Eva would have put a bet on the fact that apologetic didn’t come easily to Carine Delfosse. ‘I’m sorry. It’s your mum who wants you to take on the business, you’re right. What do you want Eva?’ Carine asked with genuine interest.

  Eva glanced around the office and out the window, and then towards Carine. ‘I don’t know what I want right now,’ she said, in a tone laced with sadness. She pulled her dress down, instantly reminded of her mother’s actions with her own skirt whenever she stood from a chair. ‘I’ve got work to do,’ she said, her sombre mood touching something deeper within Carine.

  ‘Can we do lunch together?’ Carine asked, stopping Eva in her tracks.

  Eva was slightly taken aback by the audacity of the woman, intrigued, and irritated at the effect Carine seemed to have on her. ‘Tomorrow. I’m going to work from home now. You’ve got my number if anything urgent comes up.’ Eva picked up her coat and handbag and made her way to the door.

  Carine didn’t stop her, didn’t speak. The door clicked, and after a moment of staring at the frosted glass panel in the door she turned towards her desk. Eva fascinated her. Yes, she had stepped over the mark, but she always knew she would. She couldn’t help herself. She was like a dog with a bone, and she really wanted to get her teeth into Eva. Though she hadn’t expected the athletic blonde - private, secretive almost - to touch her so deeply. Something about Eva resonated with her own past maybe? Perhaps they had a lot in common. She wanted, needed, to find out.

  *

  Eva walked past a tatty-looking bar on her way to the Metro. The temptation to step inside; craving the dark, solitary space, a single stool at the bar, consumed her momentarily. The place was empty, but for two older men who sat at a table by the window playing cards. Yes - No. The two voices battled for supremacy. It took all her will power and more to cross the street and enter the park. The rain had stopped, but she still had to skip around the shallow puddles sitting in the uneven ground. If she’d been wearing her Doc Martins she’d have kicked out her frustration and not cared about getting wet. But in her heels, she couldn’t bring herself to let go in that way. She slowed her pace, trying to shake off the tension in her shoulders, all the while reflecting on Carine’s words. The truth hurt. When exactly did she let it all slip away? She had vowed to change her life many times over the years - all empty promises it seemed. She wanted to kick herself. Was she going mad? She didn’t know what, or even how to think any more. She tried to breathe deeply, but her chest was too constricted. She started coughing as the cool air caught in her lungs, and couldn’t stop.

  ‘You okay?’ The gentle voice held clarity and a spark.

  Eva looked up. She didn’t recognise the face behind the question, and bent double again with the coughing. The hand that pressed on her back made her jump.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. You looked like you needed some help there.’ The woman continued to rub Eva’s back, firmly. Eventually the coughing subsided and Eva stood to face the well-meaning stranger. ‘Hi,’ she said. ‘I’m Charlene.’ The small-framed woman, with a pixy-cut, mousy-brown hair offered her hand. ‘But people call me Charlie,’ she added. Her smile was as light as her tone, effortless almost. She looked as if she didn’t have a care in the world.

  Eva smiled, a pained smile. ‘Eva,’ she said. ‘Thanks for stopping. I’m fine though.’

  ‘You look sad,’ she said.

  Eva rolled her eyes to herself at the honest remark. She felt sad. She tried another smile, but didn’t feel it, and neither did Charlene. ‘Really, I’m good. Just taking a walk in the park and got something stuck in my throat.’

  ‘It’s horrid when that happens. That sense of panic when you think you might not be able to breathe again.’

  Eva spluttered. What was it with her day? Firstly, Carine and her assessment of her character, and now a stranger was having a conversation with her that she wouldn’t even have with her own mum. ‘I hadn’t thought of it that way, but thanks for the insight.’ Her tone was sarcastic, and Charlene giggled. Eva began to laugh, for reasons she couldn’t explain. ‘Well it was nice to meet you Charlie. And thanks again for stopping.’

  ‘You’re welcome. Hopefully we’ll meet each other again. I walk through here every day. It’s so… peaceful. Being in nature and in this beautiful city,’ she clarified, as her eyes scanned the parkland.

  Eva followed her eyes. ‘Yes, it is,’ she said, and she meant it. ‘Do you live near here?’ she asked, without really meaning to pursue the conversation.

  ‘Yes, not far. You?’

  ‘A little way out, but I work just over there.’ Eva pointed to the tall building with its large glass panelled windows.

  ‘What do you do?’

  ‘I’m a graphic designer, of sorts.’ Eva winced as her inadequacies came bounding into her mind’s eye. ‘You?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m a dancer,’ she said. Eva grinned. ‘What’s funny?’

  ‘Nothing. It just explains. You look… light, happy, fun, so it fits with what you do.’ Eva winced at her feeble attempt to justify her insight.

  ‘Oh… thank you. I think that was a compliment.’ Charlie held out her hand again. ‘Well it was nice meeting you Eva, and I hope whatever it was that was stuck in your throat stays unstuck.’ She smiled with sincerity and Eva couldn’t help but return the smile. ‘Maybe you should try dancing too,’ she said, handing Eva a leaflet from her pocket. ‘My studio is a great place to go on a Thursday evening,’ she added, ‘if you like salsa that is?’

  ‘Thanks.’ Eva looked briefly at the paper in her hand before locking eyes with the cheerful dancer. ‘I might just come along some time.’ Charlie’s hazel eyes sparkled, and Eva was drawn to the sense of joy emanating from them.

  ‘You’re welcome. I hope your day improves, by the way,’ she said, heading off down the pathway.

  ‘Thanks,’ Eva said, but not loud enough to be heard. She pocketed the piece of paper and turned to continue her walk through the park. The sense of emptiness that filled her made her acutely aware that she missed the dancer’s jovial presence. As fleeting as it had been, something about the dynamism emanating from Charlie had touched her and without whatever that something was, she felt incomplete. She turned and looked back, but Charlie was nowhere in sight. She followed the path back out the way she had entered the park, crossed the road and stepped into the bar. She needed time to think.

  7.

  Rosa turned into the cold space between the Egyptian cotton sheet and her snug, warm duvet. Her sleepy mind registered the absence of her girlfriend and her eyes opened abruptly. Her initial concern shifted to frustration as it dawned on her that Eva hadn’t returned home yet. The last text she’d had from her had been at 7pm saying it was going to be a late one and not to wait up. She reached out for her phone. It was 2am. Nausea churned in her stomach, as her thoughts turned over a number of scenarios, and none of them were good. Throwing the cover off, she stepped out into the cool air, threw on a robe and padded down the stairs. The light seeping out into the hallway from the living room door caught her attention. Her heart thumped in her chest, and she chastised herself silently at her negative assumption. As she approached the door and turned the handle her chest tightened even further. Opening the door, she could hear the light tapping of fingers on a keyboard.

  Eva looked up from the screen. Her eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, and she looked tired. ‘Hi.’ Her voice was soft, tender almost, and Rosa released a deep breath as her heart rate started to slow.

  ‘I was worried,’ she said, her hands beginning to tremble with the after effects of the adrenaline rush that had
just passed through her, crucifying her body in its path.

  Eva stood and moved towards Rosa. She pulled her casually into her body. ‘Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.’ Rosa backed off as a wave of fumes hit her. Eva reached out and held her hands. ‘Hey baby, please.’

  ‘You’ve been drinking,’ Rosa said. It was an accusation not a statement and the tone levied a hefty blow.

  Eva’s eyes lowered to the floor and she breathed out sharply, feeling the blood start to rise into her head. ‘I went to the bar after work,’ she said, extending the truth somewhat and feeling like a chastised child as a result.

  ‘How long have you been back?’ Rosa asked. She could tell Eva wasn’t drunk, but she certainly wasn’t sober either.

  ‘I don’t know. What does it matter?’ Eva evaded the question, clicking a button on her laptop and closing the lid. ‘Come on, let’s go to bed,’ she said, and moved towards Rosa again.

  Rosa flinched. ‘You can sleep in the spare room,’ she said. ‘I can’t go on like this Eva.’ There were no tears in Rosa’s eyes, but the coldness in her glare slammed into Eva’s chest. Rosa had never put up a wall between them before and Eva hadn’t even considered what that would feel like. Now she knew.

  Rosa turned and walked swiftly into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of water and downed it quickly, before walking back past Eva and heading back to her bedroom.

  Eva watched, wanting to stop the destruction that was taking place before her eyes, but finding herself fixed to the spot. She flinched at the slamming of the bedroom door, and her eyes scanned the living room as her thoughts raced. The neat, well-designed space offered no comfort. Nothing about it felt familiar, even though she had been living here for the best part of three months now. Whatever it was she sought, she wasn’t going to find here.

  Rosa tossed and turned, wanting to sleep, but was prevented from doing so by the stream of consciousness whizzing through her mind. A mental switch had just flicked off as she had stared at Eva, and now she felt empty. As if her life had just come crashing down and she now had to remove the rubble brick by brick, not knowing if the next brick would bring the whole house down or be a route out of the devastation. On the one hand, Eva came with too much baggage and Rosa needed to find some respite from the negative feelings that came with being around her. But on the other hand, for some crazy and inexplicable reason, she loved her and wanted to create a life with her.

  The buzzing of her phone interrupted the oscillating thoughts that had consumed her for the last two hours. She rubbed at her weary eyes; sticky from the silent tears she must have cried. Easing herself out of her bed she entered the bathroom. Glancing in the bathroom mirror, running her fingers through her hair, she cursed at the puffy bags under her eyes. ‘Damn you Eva Adams,’ she muttered. She watched the image of herself, allowing the tears to fall down her cheeks, providing some release from the tension behind her eyes. She picked up her toothbrush and squirted the blue and white-stripped paste across the bristles, allowing her mind to be absorbed by the inane task of brushing her teeth. Feeling too tired to direct her thoughts to anything more significant, too exhausted from trying to process her relationship, she stepped robotically into the shower. She dried and dressed in the same trance-like state; the same hollow feeling in her gut that had been with her since the early hours.

  The aroma met her halfway down the stairs. The strong smell of coffee. She didn’t normally take coffee before leaving for the early shift, but the scent enlivened her senses and drew her into the kitchen.

  Eva had poured two mugs and handed one to Rosa as she entered the room. ‘Coffee,’ she said, stating the obvious.

  Rosa took the coffee. Staring, assessing her girlfriend, trying to work out what she felt, she sipped at the hot drink; enjoying its warmth and instant awakening effect. She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing.

  Eva’s eyes searched Rosa. Needing some feedback: an accusation, an apology, or forgiveness. It didn’t matter what, just something other than the silence that now sat between them. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said eventually, though not really knowing what she was apologising for.

  She had continued to work through the night, justifying to herself the fact that she wasn’t drunk, and that she had actually got a lot of stuff done since returning from the bar just after midnight. She hadn’t even been drinking that much, she had reasoned to herself, though she couldn’t remember how much exactly. She had just needed to be on her own, with her thoughts. She hadn’t spoken to anyone. Yes, she had downed her fair share of wine and a couple of Cognacs to finish the night. But she’d also eaten lunch, though not supper, and had a couple of coffees throughout the afternoon too. Her head was beginning to pound and her eyes were tired from concentrating all night, but what cut her up the most was the look of devastation on Rosa’s face. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said again.

  Rosa continued sipping her coffee, her deep-brown eyes taking stock of Eva. It was the distance created by the stare that scared Eva the most. Rosa placed the near-empty mug onto the kitchen surface. ‘Thanks for the coffee.’ Turning and walking out of the room, she left Eva standing, staring vacantly.

  The next thing Eva heard was the clicking of the front door.

  8.

  Eva knocked on the dark-blue solid-wood door to her mum’s flat. She stood patiently on the doorstep, only partially protected from the heavy rain by the old-fashioned porch. She was sick of the rain already and winter had hardly begun. She shivered, the lack of sleep catching up with her, and knocked again.

  ‘I’m coming.’ She sensed the irritation in her mum’s voice and huffed to herself. Eva smiled and waved at the eyehole in the door that she imagined her mum to be looking through. The door eventually clicked open.

  ‘Did you check it was me?’ she asked.

  ‘Who else would it be?’ her mum retorted, making her way back into the kitchen/diner at the back of the house.

  ‘Mum, you should check,’ Eva admonished, slowing her pace to keep a short distance between them.

  ‘You want a coffee?’ she asked, ignoring Eva’s comment.

  ‘Sure. I’ll make it.’

  ‘It’s already on the go,’ she said. ‘Sit down.’

  Eva sat at the heavy set, oak-wood table and watched her mum intently. ‘So, what did the doc say?’ she asked.

  Rowena turned her head to look at her daughter. ‘I’m fine. Got some pills for diabetes but it’s not too bad, so with a change in diet, I might even be able to get off them soon. I’ve lost four pounds already.’

  Eva nodded. She wasn’t shocked in the slightest about the diabetes, but she also didn’t have any idea what that meant with respect to any treatment plan, and in truth she had her own reasons for visiting. ‘So, you feeling better then?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes. It’s hard being off the sugar,’ she said, her tone pining for the loss of her go-to treat.

  ‘I’ll bet. No more donuts then,’ Eva said, teasingly.

  ‘That word shall be banned from any conversation we have until such times as I’m back on track,’ Rowena said, only partly joking. Eva could see she needed support, and nodded in agreement. Rowena placed two cups of coffee on the table and took the seat opposite her daughter. It seemed strange to be drinking coffee with no sweet treat, like some big thing they had shared together had been taken from them. They both fidgeted then smiled as it dawned on them they had been thinking the same thing. ‘Anyway, how are you?’ Rowena asked, breaking their reverie.

  ‘I’m good,’ Eva said, less than convincingly, her eyes on the drink moving around in her cup as she stirred in the sugar she had added.

  ‘Right…’ Rowena relaxed back into the chair and gazed at her daughter. She loved her so much and it pained her to see her so withdrawn and… unhappy. And whilst she wanted Eva to be able to talk to her, open up to her, she knew from past experience that that would only happen when Eva was ready. ‘Do you want to talk?’ she asked, mindful of the one-way conversation s
he had inflicted on Eva the last time they spoke. ‘I’m sorry if I came across a bit strong when we had lunch last week,’ she said. ‘That was more to do with the business, but I’m also worried about you sweetheart.’ The genuine concern and tenderness in her voice opened the floodgates and tears started to trail down Eva’s cheeks. Rowena reached across the table, taking Eva’s hands in her own. ‘I love you Eva. You’re the most precious thing in my world, and it kills me to see you hurting yourself this way. I’ve been there before, with your father, and I don’t want to see you going down the same path.’

  Eva’s breathing stopped. Her mind stopped. The tears stopped. Suddenly, inexplicably, a penny had dropped from a serious height. She sat back in the chair, releasing her mum’s hands. ‘You’ve never spoken about him,’ Eva said. She couldn’t bring herself to call him dad or father. The man that had shared their life for a very short time had never been that to her, not that she remembered him in any way.

  Rowena breathed in deeply and released the breath slowly. ‘No. It was a very long time ago.’ Her eyes glazed over, as she delved into the distant memories that had been long since buried, if not forgotten.

  ‘I need to know about him.’ Eva said, softly. Since the unexpected line of conversation with Carine on their first morning together in the office, she had pondered what might be missing in her life. Those two words, your father, had sparked something in her. An interest? Yes. But, more than that, she was now filled with a strong sense of needing to find out more about the man who had created her. ‘Where is he?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t even know if he’s still alive. He was in the Army and the last I knew he was deployed to The Gulf, but that was some time ago now.’ Rowena regarded Eva as she processed the information. Whilst Rowena felt nothing towards David Adams, and hadn’t done for years, she was beginning to see the impact that his unexplained absence back then might have had on her daughter. ‘I’m sorry sweetheart. Perhaps we should have talked about this before now,’ she offered.