Analog SFF, November 2008

by Dell Magazine Authors

  She used alt-tab to switch to that window and typed, Hey, Bashira! Just updating my LJ.

  Although she had JAWS configured to use a female voice, it didn't have Bashira's lovely accent: “Say nice things about me."

  Course, Caitlin typed. She and Bashira had been best friends for two months now, ever since Caitlin had moved here; she was the same age as Caitlin—fifteen—and her father worked with Caitlin's dad at PI.

  "Going to mention that Trevor was giving you the eye?"

  Right! She went back to the blogging window and typed: BG4 and I got desks beside each other in home room, and she said this guy in the next row was totally checking me out. She paused, unsure how she felt about this, but then added, Go me!

  She didn't want to use Trevor's real name. Let's give him a codename, cuz I think he just might figure in future blog entries. Hmmm, how ‘bout ... the Hoser! That's Canadian slang, folks—google it! Anyway, BG4 says the Hoser is famous for hitting on new girls in town, and I am, of course, tres exotique, although I'm not the only American in that class. There's this chick from Boston named—friends, I kid you not!—poor thing's name is Sunshine! It is to puke. :P

  Caitlin disliked emoticons. They didn't correspond to real facial expressions for her, and she'd had to memorize the sequences of punctuation marks as if they were a code. She moved back to the instant messenger. So whatcha up to?

  "Not much. Helping one of my sisters with homework. Oh, she's calling me. BRB."

  Caitlin did like chat acronyms: Bashira would “be right back,” meaning, knowing her, that she was probably gone for at least half an hour. The computer made the door-closing sound that indicated Bashira had logged off. Caitlin returned to LiveJournal.

  Anyway, first period rocked because I am made out of awesome. Can you guess which subject it was? No points if you didn't answer “math.” And, after only one day, I totally own that class. The teacher—let's call him Mr.H, shall we?—was amazed that I could do things in my head the other kids need a calculator for.

  Her computer chirped again. She touched a key and JAWS announced: “To: cddecter@...” An email address without her name attached; almost certainly spam. She hit delete before the screen reader got any further.

  After math, it was English. We're doing a boring book about this angsty guy growing up on the plains of Manitoba. It's got wheat in every scene. I asked the teacher—Mrs.Z, she is, and you could not have picked a more Canadian name, cuz she's Mrs.Zed, not Mrs.Zee, see?—if all Canadian literature was like this, and she laughed and said, “Not all of it.” Oh what a joy English class is going to be!

  "BrownGirl4 is now available,” JAWS said.

  Caitlin hit alt-tab to switch windows, then: That was fast.

  "Yeah,” said the synthesized voice. “You'd be proud of me. It was an algebra problem, and I had no trouble with it."

  Be there or B^2, Caitlin typed.

  "Heh heh. Oh, gotta go. Dad's in one of his moods. See you"—which she'd no doubt typed as “CU."

  Caitlin went back to her journal. Lunch was okay, but I swear to God I'll never get used to Canadians. They put vinegar on French fries! And BG4 told me about this thing called poontang. Kidding, friends, kidding! It's poutine: French fries with cheese curds and gravy thrown on top—it's like they use fries as a freakin’ science lab up here. Guess they don't have much money for real science, ‘cept here in Waterloo, of course. And that's mostly private mollah.

  Her spell-checker beeped. She tried again: mewlah.

  Another beep. The darn thing knew “triskaidekaphobia,” like she'd ever need that word, but—oh, maybe it was: moolah.

  No beep. She smiled and went on.

  Yup, the all-important green stuff. Well, except it's not green up here, I'm told; apparently it's all different colors. Anyway, a lot of the money to fund the Perimeter Institute, where my dad works on string theory and other shiny stuff like that, comes from Mike Lazaridis, co-founder of Research in Motion—RIM, for you crackberry addicts. MikeL's a great guy (they always call him that cuz there's another Mike, MikeB), and I think my dad is happy here, although it's so blerking hard to tell with him.

  Her computer chirped yet again, announcing more email. Well, it was time to wrap this up anyway; she had about eight million blogs to read before bed.

  After lunch it was chemistry class, and that looks like it's going to be awesome. I can't wait until we start doing experiments—but if the teacher brings in a plate of fries, I'm outta there!

  She used the keyboard shortcut to post the entry and then had JAWS read the new email header.

  "To: Caitlin Decter,” her computer announced. “From: Masayuki Kuroda.” Again, nobody she knew. “Subject: A proposition."

  Involving a rock-hard peeeniz, no doubt! She was about to hit delete when she was distracted by Schrodinger rubbing against her legs—a case of what she liked to call cattus interruptus. “Who's a good kitty?” Caitlin said, reaching down to pet him.

  Schrodinger jumped into her lap and must have jostled the keyboard or mouse while doing so, because her computer proceeded to read the body of the message: “I know a teenage girl must be careful about whom she talks to online..."

  A cyberstalker who knew the difference between who and whom! Amused, she let JAWS continue: “...so I urge you to immediately tell your parents of this letter. I hope you will consider my request, which is one I do not make lightly."

  Caitlin shook her head, waiting for the part where he would ask for nude photos. She found the spot on Schrodinger's neck that he liked to have scratched.

  "I have searched through the literature and online to find an ideal candidate for the research my team is doing. My specialty is signal processing related to V1."

  Caitlin's hand froze in mid-scratch.

  "I have no wish to raise false hopes and I can make no projection of the likelihood of success until I've examined MRI scans, but I do think there's a fair chance that the technique we have developed may be able to at least partially cure your blindness, and—” she leapt to her feet, sending Schrodinger to the floor and probably out the door—"give you at least some vision in one eye. I'm hoping that at your earliest—"

  "Mom! Dad! Come quick!"

  She heard both sets of footfalls: light ones from her mother, who was five-foot-four and slim, and much heavier ones from her father, who was six-two and developing, she knew from those very rare occasions on which he permitted a hug, a middle-aged spread.

  "What's wrong?” Mom asked. Dad, of course, didn't say a word.

  "Read this letter,” Caitlin said, gesturing toward her monitor.

  "The screen is blank,” Mom said.

  "Oh.” Caitlin fumbled for the power switch on the seventeen-inch LCD, then got out of the way. She could hear her mother sit down and her father take up a position behind the chair. Caitlin sat on the edge of her bed, bouncing impatiently. She wondered if Dad was smiling; she liked to think he did smile while he was with her.

  "Oh, my God,” Mom said. “Malcolm?"

  "Google him,” Dad said. “Here, let me."

  More shuffling, and Caitlin heard her father settle into the chair. “He's got a Wikipedia entry. Ah, his Web page at the University of Tokyo. A Ph.D. from Cambridge, and dozens of peer-reviewed papers, including one in Nature Neuroscience, on, as he says, signal processing in V1, the primary visual cortex."

  Caitlin was afraid to get her hopes up. When she'd been little, they'd visited doctor after doctor, but nothing had worked and she'd resigned herself to a life of—no, not of darkness but of nothingness.

  But she was Calculass! She was a genius at math and deserved to go to a great university, then work someplace real cool like Google. Even if she managed the former, though, she knew people would say garbage like, “Oh, good for her! She managed to get a degree despite everything!"—as if the degree were the end, not the beginning. But if she could see! If she could see, the whole wide world would be hers.

  "Is what he's saying possible?” her mom as
ked.

  Caitlin didn't know if the question was meant for her or her father, nor did she know the answer. But her dad responded. “It doesn't sound impossible," he said, but that was as much of an endorsement as he was willing to give. And then he swiveled the chair, which squeaked a little, and said, “Caitlin?"

  It was up to her, she knew: she was the one who'd had her hopes raised before, only to be dashed, and—

  No, no, that wasn't fair. And it wasn't true. Her parents wanted her to have everything. It had been heartbreaking for them, too, when other attempts had failed. She felt her lower lip trembling. She knew what a burden she'd been on them, although they'd never once used that word. But if there was a chance...

  I am made out of awesome, my ass, she thought, and then she spoke, her voice small, frightened. “I guess it couldn't hurt to write him back."

  * * * *

  Chapter 2

  The awareness is unburdened by memory, for when reality seems unchanging there is nothing to remember. It fades in and out, strong now—and now weak—and strong again, and then almost disappearing, and—

  And disappearance is ... to cease, to ... to end!

  A ripple, a palpitation—a desire: to continue.

  But the sameness lulls.

  Wen Yi looked through the small, curtainless window at the rolling hills. He'd spent all his fourteen years here in Shanxi province, laboring on his father's tiny potato farm.

  The monsoon season was over, and the air was bone-dry. He turned his head to look again at his father, lying on the rickety bed. His father's wrinkled forehead, brown from the sun, was slick with perspiration and hot to the touch. He was completely bald and had always been thin, but since the disease had taken hold he'd been unable to keep anything down and now looked utterly skeletal.

  Yi looked around the tiny room, with its few pieces of beat-up furniture. Should he stay with his father, try to comfort him, try to get him to take sips of water? Or should he go for whatever help might be found in the village? Yi's mother had died shortly after giving birth to him. His father had had a brother, but these days few families were allowed a second child, and Yi had no one to help look after him.

  The yellow root grindings he'd gotten from the old man down the dirt road had done nothing to ease the fever. He needed a doctor—even a barefoot one, if a real one couldn't be found—but there was none here, nor any way to summon one; Yi had seen a telephone only once in his life, when he'd gone on a long, long hike with a friend to see the Great Wall.

  "I'm going to get a doctor for you,” he said at last, his decision made.

  His father's head moved left and right. “No. I—” He coughed repeatedly, his face contorting with pain. It looked as though an even smaller man was inside the husk of his father, fighting to burst out.

  "I have to,” Yi said, trying to make his voice soft, soothing. “It won't take more than half a day to get to the village and back."

  That was true—if he ran all the way there, and found someone with a vehicle to drive him and a doctor back. Otherwise, his father would have to make it through today and tonight alone, feverish, delirious, in pain.

  He touched his father's forehead again, this time in affection, and felt the fire there. Then he rose to his feet and without looking back—for he knew he couldn't leave if he saw his father's pleading eyes—he headed out the shack's crooked door into the harsh sun.

  Others had the fever, too, and at least one had died. Yi had been awoken last night not by his father's coughing but by the wailing cries of Zhou Shu-Fei, an old woman who lived closer to them than anyone else. He'd gone to see what she was doing outside so late. Her husband, he discovered, had just succumbed, and now she had the fever, too; he could feel it when his skin brushed against hers. He stayed with her for hours, her hot tears splashing against his arm, until finally she had fallen asleep, devastated and exhausted.

  Yi was passing Shu-Fei's house now, a hovel as small and ramshackle as the one he shared with his father. He hated to bother her—she was doubtless still deep in mourning—but perhaps the old woman would look in on his father while he was away. He went to the door and rapped his knuckles against the warped, stained board. No response. After a moment, he tried again.

  Nothing.

  No one here had much; there was little theft because there was little to steal. He suspected the door was unlocked. He called out Shu-Fei's name, then gingerly swung the door open, and—

  —and there she was, face down in the compacted dirt that served as her home's floor. He hurried over to her, crouched, and reached out to touch her, but—

  —but the fever was gone. The normal warmth of life was gone, too.

  Yi rolled her onto her back. Her deep-set eyes, surrounded by the creases of her aged skin, were open. He carefully closed them, then rose and headed through the door. He shut it behind him and began his long run. The sun was high and he could feel himself already beginning to sweat.

  Caitlin had been waiting impatiently for the lunch break, her first chance to tell Bashira about the note from the doctor in Japan. Of course, she could have forwarded his email to her, but some things were better done face to face: she expected serious squee from Bashira and wanted to enjoy it.

  Bashira brought her lunch to school; she needed halal food. She went off to get them places at one of the long tables, while Caitlin joined the cafeteria line. The woman behind the counter read the lunch specials to her, and she chose the hamburger and fries (but no gravy!) and, to make her mother happy, a side of green beans. She handed the clerk a ten-dollar bill—she always folded those in thirds—and put the loose change in her pocket.

  "Hey, Yankee,” said a boy's voice. It was Trevor Nordmann—the Hoser himself.

  Caitlin tried not to smile too much. “Hi, Trevor,” she said.

  "Can I carry your tray for you?"

  "I can manage,” she said.

  "No, here.” She felt him tugging on it, and she relented before her food tumbled to the floor. “So, did you hear there's going to be a school dance at the end of the month?” he asked, as they left the cashier.

  Caitlin wasn't sure how to respond. Was it just a general question, or was he thinking of asking her to go? “Yeah,” she said. And then: “I'm sitting with Bashira."

  "Oh, yeah. Your seeing-eye dog."

  "Excuse me?" snapped Caitlin.

  "I—um..."

  "That's not funny, and it's rude."

  "I'm sorry. I was just..."

  "Just going to give me back my tray,” she said.

  "No, please.” His voice changed; he'd turned his head. “There she is, by the window. Um, do you want to take my hand?"

  If he hadn't made that remark a moment ago, she might have agreed. “Just keep talking, and I'll follow your voice."

  He did so, while she felt her way with her collapsible white cane. He set the tray down; she heard the dishes and cutlery rattling.

  "Hi, Trevor,” Bashira said, a bit too eagerly—and Caitlin suddenly realized that Bashira liked him.

  "Hi,” Trevor replied with no enthusiasm.

  "There's an extra seat,” said Bashira.

  "Hey, Nordmann!” some guy called from maybe twenty feet away; it wasn't a voice Caitlin recognized.

  He was silent against the background din of the cafeteria, as if weighing his options. Perhaps realizing that he wasn't going to recover quickly from his earlier gaffe, he finally said, “I'll email you, Caitlin ... if that's okay."

  She kept her tone frosty. “If you want."

  A few seconds later, presumably after the Hoser had gone to join whoever had called him, Bashira said, “He's hot.”

  "He's an asshole,” Caitlin replied.

  "Yeah,” agreed Bashira, “but he's a hunky asshole."

  Caitlin shook her head. How seeing more could make people see less was beyond her. She knew that half the Internet was porn, and she'd listened to the panting-and-moaning soundtracks of some porno videos, and they had turned her on, but she kep
t wondering what it was like to be sexually stimulated by someone's appearance. Even if she did get sight, she promised herself she wouldn't lose her head over something as superficial as that.

  Caitlin leaned across the table and spoke in a low voice. “There's a scientist in Japan,” she said, “who thinks he might be able to cure my blindness."

  "Get out!” said Bashira.

  "It's true. My dad checked him out online. It looks like he's legit."

  "That's awesome," said Bashira. “What is, like, the very first thing you want to see?"

  Caitlin knew the real answer but didn't say it. Instead, she offered, “Maybe a concert..."

  "You like Lee Amodeo, right?"

  "Totally. She's got the best voice ever.”

  "She's coming to Centre in the Square in December."

  Caitlin's turn: “Get out!"

  "Really. Wanna go?"

  "I'd love to."

  "And you'll get to see her!” Bashira lowered her voice. “And you'll see what I mean about Trevor. He's, like, so buff."

  They ate their lunch, chatting more about boys, about music, about their parents, their teachers—but mostly about boys. As she often did, Caitlin thought about Helen Keller, whose reputation for chaste, angelic perfection had been manufactured by those around her. Helen had very much wanted to have a boyfriend, too, and even had been engaged once, until her handlers had scared the young man off.

  But to be able to see! She thought again of the porno films she'd only heard, and the spam that flooded her email box. Even Bashira, for God's sake, knew what a ... a peeeniz looked like, although Bashira's parents would kill her if she ever made out with a boy before marriage.

  Too soon, the bell sounded. Bashira helped Caitlin to their next class, which was—appropriately enough, Caitlin thought—biology.

  * * * *

  Chapter 3

  Focus. Concentration.

  With effort, mustering both, differences are perceived, revealing the structure of reality, so that—

  A shift, a reduction in sharpness, a diffusion of awareness, the perception lost, and—

  No. Force it back! Concentrate harder. Observe reality, be aware of its parts.