Conquering Chaos

by Catelynn Lowell

  I didn’t have a clear understanding of the issue or anything. I didn’t really know anything about it. I spent all day researching everything about abortion. I talked to a teacher I trusted and he helped me find trustworthy medical websites I could learn from. I wanted to see what the procedure actually was, what they’d do, and how things were different in different weeks, what the risks were and all of that.

  So I printed it all out and went over to her house to talk about it with her. I thought, she’s going to be the one who has to do this. Her body will carry the baby and she’s the one who would go through pregnancy and birth. I wanted her to make the decision but I wanted her to know everything she could know to make the best decision for herself.

  She looked at one page and immediately said, “No. Absolutely not. I can’t do this. We’re going to have to think about something else.”

  And that was really when the whole ball started rolling on the idea of adoption.

  It still wasn’t an easy choice between parenthood and placing the baby for adoption. Catelynn and I bounced back and forth: I wanted to parent and she wanted adoption, she wanted to parent and I wanted adoption. We did this over and over, just figuring things out from every angle we could. -But when you’re in that situation, you’re thinking with pure emotion and pure feeling. You’re all wrapped up in yourself and what you’re feeling, what you want that second. You have to step back and think logically.

  So I finally wrote up a “pros and cons” list of what I could give this child as a parent, versus what adoption could do for her. Before I started the list I thought it would be a tough balance. But what happened was that the one thing I had on the side for parenting the child was, “being with biological family and surrounded by love.” That was literally the only thing I could think of. The cons were, “You don’t have a diploma. You don’t have a license. You don’t have a cell phone. You don’t have money. You have two years of high school left. You have no way of getting a car...” When I looked at all the things on the cons side, it was like, “Holy shit.” Votes for adoption were huge. She still gets surrounded by love. She gets her own room. Catelynn was living in a trailer! The crib would be in Catelynn’s room! There was just no way, logically, that it would work.

  So what I did was I left the list on her dresser and I went home. Later that night she called me and said, “Let’s do it. Let’s make an appointment with an adoption counselor.”

  Catelynn:

  The list brought us back to the reality of what we could actually provide for a child. It wasn’t about us or what we wanted. We couldn’t think about our own wishes. It was about the child, the child’s needs, and what was best for the child. I wanted to think of more things we could give her, too. And the same thing happened to me. All I could think of was living with biological parents, unconditional love. So I thought, let’s look into adoption and see if it’s the right thing for us or not. But even then it was hard.

  Tyler:

  We knew we didn’t have good enough reasons to choose parenthood. Yeah, it could work. We could scrape by. We could live paycheck to paycheck and struggle our whole lives. But we both knew that the one fact of “biological family” was not enough to give this child the best chance.

  Still, it was so hard to separate the facts from the emotions. As teenagers, we wanted to be selfish. We wanted to do what would make us happy. And we wanted to parent that child. That was something we really, really wanted. But every time we thought about the nitty-gritty, we realized it was something we were wanting for ourselves.

  Catelynn:

  It really was an everyday fight to put our emotions aside. Every time we thought about what we wanted, we’d have to pull ourselves back in our head and think, “But it’s not about what we want. What does she deserve?” It wasn’t about what we thought we deserved.

  But ever since I was little, I was the girl who wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to take care of my children and husband. Ever since I can remember, I’ve just always wanted to be a mother. That made the decision excruciating. Because in a way, being pregnant was a lifelong dream. And I had to pull myself out of my emotions to face the fact that it was not the right time, and I knew it.

  One night I was so torn about it, I started praying: “God, if I’m supposed to choose adoption, if this is the right choice, I need peace in this decision. I need a sign.” I talked to God in my bedroom for about an hour until I fell asleep. And you know what? The next morning in the car on my way to school, adoption commercials started coming on the radio. When I got to class and started on vocabulary, I saw the words “adoption” and “birth parents.”

  I was like, well, thank you. There’s my sign. That was all I needed. And that was the moment on I made peace with my decision. I thought, “That’s it. I’m gonna do this, and I don’t care who the hell tries to get in my way.”

  Tyler:

  I know it was hard for Cate as the mother. She’s always had a strong maternal instinct. Even her dad has told me about how she always wanted to help animals and rescue baby birds. She was always very nurturing and she always dreamed of being a mom. But she set her own wants aside to provide this child with the best possible life. Once she told me, “I remember crying and thinking about being a mom and going through all the struggles. And then I would stop crying and feel peace when I thought about Carly being adopted. And that’s how I knew that was what I wanted to do.”

  Less than one percent of women choose adoption for their babies. Ninety-nine percent of women who parent choose to get pregnant or have an abortion. That’s why it’s so ironic and amazing that Catelynn chose adoption, because for someone who had dreamed about parenthood for so long and had such a strong maternal instinct, it was the ultimate sacrifice. She’s in that one percent of women who made that decision.

  Catelynn:

  My mom was dead set against adoption. People find that surprising sometimes, because she’d been willing to take me in for an abortion. I think she was able to think about abortion because it still feels so unreal early on in the pregnancy. But in her generation, adoption was a bad and scary thing. Nobody really knew about it. There was adoption within our family, where people would adopt their kids out to other relatives, but I wasn’t going to do that. In her mind I was going to give birth to her granddaughter and then send her away forever.

  Tyler:

  My dad was totally against the adoption, too. And as we’ll tell you, they combined forces to fight us all the way through. Not everyone approved. And we have had people tell us we took the easy way out. But whoever thinks placing your child for adoption is the easy way out...that’s just ignorant. If anything, having the child would have been the easy way out. That’s how it was done in our families, that’s what they wanted, and that’s what we knew. Or we could have had the abortion, that would have been the easy way out. For us, adoption was the highest expression of love we could offer.

  Tyler:

  It’s weird to look back on all of the crazy shit we did, to think about how this one thing could completely change us and our maturity and morality.

  Catelynn:

  Shoot, we acted crazy up until the day we found out. And then there was a child growing inside of me, and that just changed everything.

  Closing Thoughts

  No teenagers should have to make the difficult decision we had to make. No adult should, either. But hey, teens, we’re talking to you in particular: Be smart! You can get condoms. There’s no reason to risk putting yourselves in the position we ended up in. The only positive pregnancy test you ever want to see is one you’re actively hoping and planning for. Be safe, use protection, or wait to have sex until you’re ready to do it responsibly. And if you’re not ready for sex at all? Don’t have it! You are in control of that decision. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise, and don’t ever let anyone convince you that it’s not worth it to take precautions against pregnancy.

  Parents, talk to your kids! We know you might
not like to think of your kids having sex at all. And by all means, tell them not to if that’s what you want to do! But we strongly suggest you also make sure they know it’s not an all or nothing decision. Abstinence might be the best choice, but if your teenager does end up choosing to have sex, as many, many teenagers do, we hope they know they don’t have to do it recklessly. Ultimately, those intimate decisions will be in their hands. We can only hope that they have all the knowledge they can possibly have to help them make the choice and handle it in the best way possible.

  Cate and I didn’t plan on pregnancy. And once it happened, the last thing we wanted to do was make this huge, painful decision. No teenager is prepared for that, and no mother or father is naturally inclined to consider a choice as drastic as full-time parenthood or adoption. For us, as naturally selfish teenagers, deciding to place our daughter for adoption would be (and still is) the hardest decision we have ever made. Nobody wants to go through the intense grief and loss that are involved in that process. No one wants to make such a giant sacrifice. But once you’re pregnant, it doesn’t matter what you want anymore. Carelessly following your own desires is what gets you into that situation in the first place! Once you’re pregnant, every decision you make has to be about that baby.

  No child is asked to be brought into this world and no child picks and chooses his or her parents. A child relies on its parents to provide the life they deserve. If you’re not sure you can provide that life, be safe and do what you can so that you never get stuck with such a dilemma in the first place!

  CHAPTER 5:

  * * *

  A BETTER LIFE FOR A CHILD

  Making the decision was only the beginning. When we chose to place our child for adoption, we knew we were in for an emotional journey. What else could it be? Make no mistake: We wished more than anything in the world that we could parent this baby. We dreamed about it day in and day out. But at the end of every dream was the harsh realization that we couldn’t give her what we wanted to give her. There was absolutely nothing we could do to guarantee this baby the safe and happy home that we desperately wanted to provide.

  That was an emotional battle we had to face. But what we didn’t know was that some of the people we counted on would turn against us. See, not everyone was proud of us for making this choice. And the ones who disagreed went to unbelievable lengths to undermine our decision, challenge our courage, and sabotage our plans. From the first call to the adoption counselor all the way to the delivery room, we had to charge head-on through every layer of dysfunction in our homes, our families, and our lives.

  Each of us had a parent who supported our decision. And each of us had a parent who could not have been more adamantly against it. Unfortunately for us, the ones who stood against us were completely united with each other. Because right before we found out about the pregnancy, our own respective dysfunctional parents decided they were in love with each other.

  We were in for a hell of a rough ride.

  Two Houses United, Two Families Divided

  Tyler:

  Never in a million years did I expect my father to start dating my girlfriend’s mom.

  Catelynn:

  I saw it coming a mile away. As soon as Tyler’s dad got out of prison the second time, as soon as I met him, I thought, “Oh, no. He is exactly my mom’s type.” I tried to tell Tyler there would be trouble if they ever came across each other. I said, “Tyler, we cannot let them meet.” Tyler didn’t get it. He thought I was crazy.

  Tyler:

  I really didn’t sense the danger of them getting together. All I could think was, “I’m pretty sure your mom can resist an ex-con straight out of prison. Why would she jump for a guy like that?” But Catelynn would just shake her head and say, “I’m telling you, Tyler. I’m telling you. I don’t want them to meet.”

  Then one day I was visiting with him, and Catelynn came over with her mom to pick me up. I introduced my dad to her mom. Sure enough, the next thing you know, sparks were flying and it was happening. Catelynn was totally one hundred percent right.

  It was still confusing to me, because from where we were standing it was such an obviously bad idea. But at the same time, I felt where Catelynn’s mom was coming from. Like I’ve said, my dad’s a very good talker. He can make almost anything sound really good, regardless of whether or not it is.

  As soon as it started up, I looked for a chance to try and talk Cate’s mom out of it. I waited until she was sober, pulled her aside, and said, “I’m telling you right now: You do not wanna be with this guy.” I told her about all of the drugs, the jail time, and all of the other things he’d done. I told her he’d talked out of his ass for his whole life, he was completely unreliable, he was an addict, he wasn’t capable of holding up a relationship. I told her all this over the course of a forty-five minute conversation. But she already had the hearts in her eyes, and it was just in one ear and out the other.

  Catelynn:

  Watching my mom on TV, people don’t get the best impression of her. Sometimes it seems like she’s just home drunk all the time. That’s not the case at all. She’s an addict, but she’s always worked her ass off to have her own money and a place to live where she wasn’t leaning on a man to cover the bills. But at the same time, she hated to be alone, and she didn’t always pick the best guys. And that’s putting it lightly. In the case of Tyler’s dad, she wasn’t even his only girlfriend! She was the side-chick! Most women would not have put up with that. But she was so invested in him, so fast, that she said, “I’ll wait for him! I’ll wait for him to pick me!”

  Obviously a major part of their connection was that they were both partiers.

  Tyler:

  My dad told Cate’s mom from the beginning that he was not a one-woman man. He was a player and he made it clear from the get-go. And I tried to make it clear to her that he was being honest. But as it turned out, the other girlfriend was not so into the drugs and the partying. She was another woman who deserved better, but the difference was that she knew it. She had her own business and didn’t want to mess up her life.

  So my dad turned toward the woman he knew would put up with all the wild stuff, and that was Cate’s mom. He knew he could get high and come home and she wouldn’t care. He saw a chance to do what he wanted with no consequences, so he went for it. Plus, Cate’s mom could keep up. It was more fun.

  Catelynn:

  They hadn’t even been dating for more than a couple of months when we moved into the new trailer. And then, all of a sudden, Tyler’s dad was staying there every day. I said, “Mom, what the hell? I thought no one was moving in!” She told me he was just staying for a little while. But sure as shit, within a couple of weeks, he’d moved in.

  One day we came home and they were both drunk at the kitchen table. As soon as we walked in they threw up their arms, gave us these big grins, and announced that they were getting married.

  “Sure, drunk-asses.” We assumed it was just the booze talking, or it was a joke. But the joke was on us. The next time we came home, they had a freaking marriage license. They’d only been together for three or four months. We never even had time to talk them out of it.

  We were freaking out. We knew it wasn’t going to last forever, but we also knew there’d be trouble for as long as it did. They were addicts, and their relationship was the perfect environment for their worst habits to come out. As it turned out, they stayed married for six years. Every one of those years was bad news. But the main thing that came out of the first year was that they turned on us.

  Tyler:

  We were sixteen years old. Catelynn was pregnant. In just a handful of months, she was going to give birth to our baby. And during those months, we had to wrap our minds and hearts around the decision to place that baby for adoption. No matter which way you looked at it, we were two scared, overwhelmed kids who were about as emotionally vulnerable as you could imagine. If we had ever needed the full love and support of our parents, we needed it right then. />
  But instead of being there for us, my dad and Cate’s mom joined forces to fight us tooth and nail all the way through. They fought us at home, they fought us in court. From the day we decided to make an adoption plan to the day we said goodbye to our newborn daughter, my dad and Cate’s mom did everything they could to stand in our way.

  It’s Not Easy to Break the Cycle

  Catelynn:

  Our situation was horrible, but it wasn’t exactly rare. Even when adoption is obviously the best choice, there’s no end to the number of people who will try to talk the birth parents out of it. There are a lot of reasons behind that opposition, and it’s different for every situation. Adoption isn’t just emotional for the birth parents. It can bring up a lot of difficult feelings for the extended birth family, too. Clashing values and misconceptions about adoptions are just a couple pieces of the puzzle.

  Just think about how we made our decision. We put our life under a microscope and shined a light on every single way it fell short. And our conclusion was that our situation wasn’t acceptable for our child. We didn’t mean that as an attack on our parents, but it’s obvious how it could bring up some really complicated and difficult emotions. Unfortunately, that’s exactly the kind of situation that can trigger an addict. So during this whole thing, my mom’s drinking got worse and worse. That just intensified the conflict and caused even more of a rift, which made it impossible to work things out. At the same time, it reinforced the reasons we chose adoption in the first place.

  I have sympathy for everything that my mom went through. It’s not a mystery to me why she wasn’t the perfect person, or the perfect parent. The fact is that no matter what her flaws are, she raised me with a ton of love and we were best friends until this came between us. I was devastated not to have her support. Never in a million years did I think she’d turn her back on me when I needed her most. But that’s what happened. I think both my pregnancy and my decision to get an adoption pushed her over the edge and back into the bottle. And that’s when we went from being good friends to fighting all the time. By the time we were on TV, that’s basically what people saw.