Tyler:
My mom tried to teach me to act right, but obviously I had a hard time falling in line all through school. She even had me see a counselor to try and see if there was a reason for all the behavior trouble. I was in counseling from eight or nine up until the age of fifteen, but the only disorder they could really come up with was just plain old acting up. Part of it, I think, was the effects of not having my dad around. I was raised in a household full of women, and I was cool with that, but at the same time I had to figure out on my own what it meant to act like a man. I wanted to establish myself, be strong and assert my opinions, and I was always looking for ways to be tough. But honestly, when it gets right down to it. I think I was just born with a strong will and an idea of what was right, and I was never able to go along with things that didn’t make sense to me.
But what happens if our child follows our “bad kid” footsteps? Cate and I talk about what we’ll do if we have a kid like me, a kid who just can’t keep his mouth shut. And you know what? It might sound crazy, but a part of me doesn’t want my kid to be a perfect goody-good kid. A part of me is like, “God, please, don’t give me a boring kid!” I pray no child of mine will ever be out doing crazy stuff and hurting themselves, but I also don’t want a kid who says “Yes daddy, yes teacher” without thinking for themselves about whether what’s happening is right and wrong.
We want to leave room for our kid to be strong, to have a sense of what’s fair and when to speak up. And if that means going out there and getting in trouble once in awhile, so be it, as long as they’re learning from those experiences. If that means a few detentions or suspensions, we’ll live with it. The fact is, any kid with strong opinions probably isn’t going to make it through twelve years of school without some kind of clash with authority!
The problem kids might act up and do things they’re not supposed to do, but so many times, there’s something more beneath the surface. They have a spark. They have a kind of energy other kids don’t have. When they’re younger, they don’t know how to show that spark without pissing people off — especially if they haven’t had somebody take the extra time to teach them. But when they get older, if they can learn to channel whatever it is that makes it hard for them to fall in line, that spark can be the thing that makes him special.
I don’t want to smother that spark. I want to give them the freedom and the guidance to build their character. And if they make some messes or take some wrong turns, I’ll do what my mom did. I’ll ask what happened, I’ll ask what they were feeling when they caused that trouble. I’ll try and make that spark into something positive.
Living Up to a Promise
Tyler:
When we talk about Nova, we talk about how we want her to constantly know how loved she is. We want to tell her every day, and not just tell her but show her in the way we live our lives and run our household. Weirdly, Cate and I are just waiting for the thing we don’t agree on. But our morals and values have sort of blended in the years we’ve been together. Being old friends makes a huge difference in that way, because we spent the hardest times of our lives together, developing together. We’ve been through the wringer. But we’ve always gotten through it as a team, and we’re determined to keep that going when we’re parenting our child.
We’ve already decided one parent cannot undermine the other parent. If mom and dad don’t agree, they need to put their heads together. And then we can have a family meeting. And if they can’t come to an agreement, then you change into jeans. Nova will never just come up to me and ask for permission. I will ask mom. It’s going to be cooperative. We have to stay a team.
Catelynn:
I have always wanted a happy, stable home. That’s what I’ve wanted all my life, and I’m never going to compromise that dream. It’s a promise to myself, a promise to Tyler, and a promise to our children. Tyler and I confirm it with each other all the time. We look at each other and say, “We’re going to make this work, and we’re going to raise this little girl together, and this is how it’s going to be. We’re going to have bumps in the road, but we’re going to make it. Period.”
Our bond in that is really our belief that once we take responsibility for a child, every decision has to be made with our child’s best interest in mind. We want Nova and all of our children after her to know that anything we do in our lives is about her. Everything is going to be about this kid. We’ll never put our own selfish impulses in front of her essential needs for love and stability. The times of living our lives only for ourselves will be done the moment she’s born. Everything has to be about the baby. Whatever happens after she’s born, everything is for her.
Tyler:
A good parent is willing to sacrifice for their child, regardless of what momentary pleasure or convenience it costs them. Someone who doesn’t act and do things selfishly, but parents selflessly, that is a parent. And we know that’s a hard commitment to make. But it’s always harder to do the right thing than the wrong thing. If the right thing was always easy, everyone would do it!
Closing Thoughts
Growing up, no matter how bad certain circumstances may have been, we always knew we were loved. Even during the most difficult times we were lucky enough to have moms that always worked their asses off and consistently showed us how much they loved us. That’s why we both have all the respect in the world for the women who raised us. They taught us how to be kind, loving people. We don’t doubt that we will be great parents because of everything we learned from them.
Our moms were always there for us. We could go to them and be completely honest and open about anything we were going through because we trusted them and they respected us. That’s the kind of relationship we want to have with our children. Of course, it wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies. We also learned from dysfunction the kind of parents we don’t want to be.
We both know how hard it can be to grow up with just one parent in the picture and we never want our daughter to have to experience that. We want to be a team, two parents who are always there for our children. Will we make mistakes? Hell yes! Every parent does. But we’re doing our best to learn from the generations before us. We’re fighting not to make the same mistakes blindly, and we’ve prepared ourselves to own up to whatever screw-ups we do stumble into.
We decided to place Carly in adoption when we realized we couldn’t provide the home that she deserved. In the years since making that choice, we’ve had even more time to look back on our family histories and think about how we will do things differently. We reflected on things like Cate’s mom’s struggle with addiction and how Tyler’s dad’s absence from his life deeply affected him. The last thing we wanted was to perpetuate that cycle of dysfunction, poverty, and addiction. All of the pain and heartbreak we experienced growing up shaped the way we will raise our daughter.
We know that providing a good home is not about money or being able to spoil your kid. A good home is a safe zone with healthy boundaries and rules based on understanding. When it comes to raising our children, we want to be a united front, a team. We want her to know that we will always be there for her and that she can come to us for advice, support, and encouragement. Most of all, we want her to be surrounded by love so that she always feels safe and secure. Our daughter won’t go one day without hearing the three most important words a parent can say to a child: “I love you.” And if she ever wants proof of those words, we’ll do our best to make sure all she has to do is look around at the home we’ve made.
CHAPTER 10:
* * *
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
When we tell our story, we talk a lot about sacrifice. We talk about breaking the cycle. We talk about overcoming chaos and conquering bad habits and influences. But maybe the best way to sum up our efforts over these past years is that we’ve tried to take responsibility for our lives. We’ve tried to remember that we are in control of our lives, our choices, our mistakes, and our behavior. We decide what kind of people we want
to be. And even though we can look at our environments and find ways to explain why we weren’t exactly angels when we were younger, in the end we have to own our mistakes and take responsibility for what we do.
As we write this book, we’re expecting our second daughter, Nova. It’s never been more important for us to think about who we are and how to live healthy, positive lives. Because we know that parents have the most responsibility of all. We want to raise our daughter with the values we’ve fought to build. We want to teach her by example how to be an honest person who tries her best to do the right thing, even when it’s not the easiest thing. We want her to know that the best life you can possibly have is one you take full responsibility for. Every person chooses who they’ll be and what kind of life they’ll live. That’s an awesome thing.
We want to share some of our own experiences and ideas about taking responsibility. There are so many different ways it’s played out in our lives. But learning to take responsibility has been one of the most important factors in conquering chaos in our lives. And when anyone asks us for advice, that’s usually the mindset we’re coming from.
Be Your Own Champion First
Tyler:
Your self-esteem is your responsibility. It’s no one else’s job to make you love yourself. People rely on others a lot to make them feel good, especially in their relationships. But if you feel bad about yourself, you shouldn’t count on a relationship to change that. Of course your partner should be someone who boosts your self-esteem and make you feel better about yourself. But it’s not their responsibility to create your self-worth from scratch. It’s not their responsibility to give your life all of its meaning. No one can do that for you.
Catelynn and I talked about that a lot whenever we discussed getting married. Of course everyone has their own issues with confidence and self-esteem. Not everyone completely loves themselves. But Catelynn and I strongly agree: “It’s not your job to make me happy. It’s not my job to make you happy. Our jobs are to love each other, support each other, and uplift each other. But we’re still responsible for our own happiness.”
Catelynn:
You have to have your own self-love before you can accept love in a healthy way. You can’t have all of your self-worth wrapped up in another person. That’s dangerous! You shouldn’t have to rely on others for that. You should be happy yourself, and the other person should be an added bonus.
It’s hard to get over your insecurities alone. There are people out there hurting and feeling bad about themselves. They’re looking for a partner to save them. But that’s the unhealthiest way to do that. You need to feel self-worth before you get into a relationship. When you put your self-esteem in someone else’s hands, what happens if they mess up and drop it?
First of all, you have to grasp that it’s your problem. Someone else might have started it in you, but now you’re the only one who can fix it. It’s no one else’s responsibility. It’s hard to face your demons and come to grips with stuff. But it needs to be done. Get counseling. Get down deep into why you have self-esteem problems. Learn self-worth exercises to help you feel better about yourself. It’s so frustrating if all someone does is complain about their insecurities and then doesn’t try to fix them. If you have insecurities, work on them! They don’t have to bring your life down.
The insecurity I struggled with was my weight. I’ve always thought I was too big or too curvy. I think I know where it came from. Starting when I was four years old, there was a woman in my dad’s family who would pick at my weight when I visited. Every time I saw her she would say something like, “Oh, you’re getting chunky!” She would even lecture me about dieting, telling me, “You shouldn’t eat that, too many calories!” My mom remembers once I got home from a visit from my dad, my mom had some donuts as a treat to welcome me back. Apparently I said, “Oh, sorry, mom. There are too many calories in donuts. I can’t have any of those.” My mom was furious!
My mom always told me I was beautiful when I was growing up. I got a lot of positive messages. But I was still always insecure about my weight. I’ve never worn short shorts or bikinis in my entire life. Even when I’ve lost weight and been pretty thin, I’ve always felt fat. That image of myself never goes away. That’s something most girls with insecurities about their appearances will understand. Even if you’re down to the weight you wanted to be at, even at a size two, your insecurity still tells you you’re not skinny. It’s never driven me insane or made me depressed, but it’s always been there in my mind.
Tyler:
I remember the first time I heard about that insecurity of Cate’s. We were having a kind of difficult talk about my ex-girlfriend, and Catelynn was crying, and offhand she said, “I’m not skinny-minny like your other girlfriend!” That caught me off guard. Of course she wasn’t as skinny as that girl, but I always thought she looked better! So it really jumped out at me when she showed me that she was insecure with that. But I never forgot it. Once I knew it was something she struggled with, I always made sure to be sensitive about it and tell her she was beautiful.
I have the opposite insecurity. I hate being skinny! It’s funny, because since our insecurities are totally different, neither of us would have guessed what the other one struggled with. I can’t imagine wanting to be skinnier. And Cate can’t imagine feeling too skinny. She sometimes jokes to me, “I wish I had your problem!” And I’m like, “No! Curves are my thing!” But actually, that’s why it was important that we were open with each other about those insecurities. If we weren’t, we might accidentally hurt each other’s feelings. For example, if Catelynn didn’t know I was insecure about being skinny, she might say something like, “Wow, Tyler, you look skinny today!” She would have no idea that would be really negative to me. I might say, “Whoa, you look so curvy in those jeans!” I wouldn’t know she would be hurt by that.
So you have to lay those insecurities bare in your relationship. It’s really scary to put yourself in a vulnerable place, but that’s how you start to work through things together. We confront those self-esteem problems, and we know how to uplift each other. We don’t try to fix each other, but we make sure to stay positive wherever the other person has trouble doing it. When Catelynn spends time getting ready and dressing up, it’s my job to say, “Wow, you look beautiful.” And when I joke around and call myself a skinny bastard, it’s Cate’s job to say, “Don’t say that! You’re hot!” It works out.
Catelynn:
We’re good at motivating each other to do good and praising each other. Since we try to be honest about the difficult things, it’s even more important to be open with positive input. That way we’re not afraid to hurt each other’s feelings when we have to talk about something negative, because we’ve built up an understanding that we’re thinking the best toward each other. I wouldn’t try to hurt him and he wouldn’t try to hurt me. So we can be open, with that foundation of trust.
One good thing about being with someone in a relationship is that they uplift you. That’s one thing they should always do. No one’s going to come on a white horse and fix your problem, but you can always count on them to support you in that job. Never the opposite. If someone you’re with bashes you and brings your self-esteem down, that’s unhealthy. If you’re in a relationship like that, you need to get out. Your partner should be lifting you up and boosting your self-esteem. That’s your job in any relationship, too. If you notice someone damaging your self-worth and self-esteem, leave.
Tyler:
There should never be low blows in a relationship. I’m always shocked when I hear friends fighting and they throw so many low blows. That’s not allowed between us. If I trust you enough to show you where I’m vulnerable, you are not allowed to use it against me. If I tell you I hate being skinny and a week later you call me a scrawny bastard when you’re mad, then I know your intention was to hurt me. And that’s not how a good relationship works at all. Some people use their emotional state as an excuse for making mean remarks to their pa
rtner, like they couldn’t help going there because they were so upset. But that’s no excuse for saying something that actually hurts your partner. Think what you have to, in that case, but keep it in your head where it doesn’t hurt anybody. My grandma used to tell me, “Only God can hear your thoughts, but the Devil hears your voice.”
You should never be afraid to expose your vulnerabilities to your partner, or think they’ll use your honesty against you later. So actually, being open with your vulnerabilities does two things: It gives the other person a way to uplift you, and it gives you a chance to spot a red flag if they use it against you. Give someone your kryptonite. Then if they use it again, you know to get out of there. And if you’ve built up your own armor against it, your own self-worth, you’ll be okay.
Of course, we’re being grown-ups here. When it comes to children, they absolutely need all the help they can get building their early self-esteem. We’re going to uplift our children constantly. I want to tell them how beautiful they are. When I think about Cate’s insecurity and how common that is with girls, it makes me want to work extra hard to make sure Nova’s self-esteem is as strong as it can be. Fathers have a huge role in the way daughters feel about themselves. For a girl, your dad is the first relationship you have with the opposite sex. So how he treats you has a huge part to do with how you’ll expect to be treated by men in the future and your ideas about how they see you. It’s a dad’s responsibility to tell his daughter she’s beautiful, strong, and important.
Conquering Chaos Page 13
