Catelynn:
Kids should never get negative messages about their appearance. I hate to hear kids getting criticized by adults for such vulnerable things. When you’re a kid, those careless remarks can cause permanent damage. When that woman from my childhood singled me out for my weight, I never forgot about it. I always felt like an outcast in that part of the family, like I didn’t look good enough for their standards. That should never happen! It’s the adults’ responsibility to make sure kids are developing a positive image of themselves. No one should ever be singled out for criticism on something so sensitive.
Treating Others With Respect
Catelynn:
There’s one thing we both have to take responsibility for that’s hard to own up to. We talk positive now, but back when we were in grade school, we both went through a phase when we could be really mean to other kids. We were bullies, to put it bluntly. It’s so uncomfortable to think about it, because we know the effects bullying can have on people for the rest of their lives. And we both grew out of the phase when we were still young, so it’s even harder to make sense of. I can’t remember a time when I ever felt like it was fun to be mean to someone. But obviously there was a time like that.
There was this boy from the trailer park who I used to beat up every day at the bus stop. I was so mean to that kid, and for no reason! We had this creek that ran by the place, and I’m not sure I’d even want to call it a creek. It was nasty and smelly, with green slime all along the sides. We used to play around it sometimes, putting boards across like a bridge and walking back and forth. And one day, for no reason at all, I just pushed this boy into that nasty, stinky creek. I feel horrible remembering that.
Tyler:
I started bullying kids in kindergarten. I remember picking on the kid who sat next to me in class. Every day I’d pick a moment where this kid wasn’t paying attention. Then I’d take my little scissors, cut a hole in his shirt and laugh my ass off. The kid would beg me to stop: “My mom’s getting mad, all of my shirts have holes!” God, I was a little dick. There was another kid named Rob who I was even worse to. I’d pretend to be his friend, take him to a park, and then push him around and beat him up. I’d apologize the next day and pretend to be friends, and then I’d do it again.
I was such an asshole. I was so mean! I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it. I feel really bad about what I did. A few years ago I managed to find Rob on Facebook and sent him a long apology. I said, “I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but I was the kid who used to beat you up.” I expressed how wrong I was and how bad I felt for doing that. I told him I had to find him because I couldn’t live with myself for the rest of my life without apologizing. He never wrote me back.
I was mean until about fourth grade. And then I went the opposite way and started feeling really, really bad for people. Then I started turning my aggression toward the bullies instead of being one myself. Once we got a new girl at school who was African-American, she was the only black kid there. Imagine what that’s like, to be the only black girl in the middle of a bunch of trailer park kids in one of the whitest parts of Michigan. Sure enough, this one boy started in on her, calling her the N-word. After I saw that going on, I took that kid into the bathroom and told him I’d kick his ass if he ever picked on her again. After that I started being nice to everyone and going out of my way to be nice to people who weren’t being treated right. You never know how much good you can do for someone just by giving them some positive attention that day.
Catelynn:
When I got older, I changed, too. We just went through these phases. I don’t know where it stemmed from, whether it was related to some of the stuff we were going through in our family lives, or what. Maybe it was a way to take out the aggression we were holding in for ourselves. There’s no excuse, though, and the explanation doesn’t matter to the kids we were mean to. They were the ones who were hurt by it. When I grew up a little, I turned my attitude in the other direction, too. I’d stand up for people who were getting picked on, and I didn’t let my friends do that to people, either. Once I was just old enough to think about it, I had no desire to be cruel to anyone. How is that fun to hurt people? I’m heartbroken that I ever did. I can’t take it back, but take full responsibility for it. All I can do is make sure I never act like that again in my life, and teach my children that bullying is never okay.
These days we find ourselves on the receiving end of mean behavior and careless comments. After we appeared on TV, after the first huge rush of positive responses, we definitely had to deal with a lot of negativity. We had no idea what kind of attention was going to come our way when we decided to do that show. The internet could be a horrible place. People were always saying I was fat, calling me ugly, tweeting at Tyler to leave me and be with them. Prank callers would find my number, call me and tell me they were pregnant with Tyler’s baby. Random girls were always trying to start psycho stuff.
It got to the point where I didn’t want to go out to clubs or anything. Bitches were crazy! I was afraid something would go down and my old trailer park side would come out. I didn’t want to be tempted to end up beating somebody’s ass for going after my man. There definitely were people who tried to start trouble when we were out. Once after we’d gone out dancing, Tyler told me some girl was feeling up his thigh when he was there with me on the dance floor. I was like, “You should have just told me!” But he said, “What? I wasn’t going to tell you! You would have whooped her ass!” He did the right thing and kicked her off, though.
The girls pull that crap online, too, sending Tyler messages and trying to be sexy. I don’t understand ladies these days. Have respect for other women. These girls see us together. They know we’re a couple. They just don’t have respect. What would they do if I treated them like that? And the things they write in public about our relationship are so vicious. Now that we’ve been at this TV thing for several years, we know better than to read things. But in the beginning it was hard to ignore it.
Tyler:
I don’t know what the motivation is behind some of the messages I get, because it’s not attractive. Some of these girls seem to assume all guys are the same. Like, they shake their asses and the guys will crumble. And there have been a few times I got so fed up with some stupid message I wrote back and kind of went off. I’d be like, “I don’t know what you think you’re getting out of this, but it’s not working for me at all. All this tells me is that you have no self-respect.” Why would they present themselves like that? The woman I love has strong values. She made me work for it. I’m not interested in someone who’s going to try and pick me up when I’m obviously in a relationship. And when these girls tell me I can do better than her, I get pissed. You have no idea who she is. And who are you to tell me who I can be with? Why do you care, anyway? It amazes me that people are so invested in this. Why do they give a shit who I’m with? I’m not gonna be with the girl who grabs my leg in the club while I’m dancing with my girl.
The internet makes people feel like they can be as rude as they want without any consequence. They take no responsibility for the effect their stupid comment might have on the person it’s about. When the show first came out, Twitter wasn’t what it is now. Now everyone’s on there giving instant feedback. They look at us as a conversation topic or an easy target to attack. Instagram is like the devil’s playground for cyber-bullying. I can post a picture of my dog, and it’ll turn into “You’re ugly.” The thing about it is, people comment on all this stuff, but would you say that to someone you know? We’re people. We’re human beings. We’re in the public eye, but we’re actual people with actual feelings. They’re not getting the emotional consequences or a physical response. They just comment. They think it does nothing to someone. But I guarantee they would never do that to my face.
Owning Your Behavior
Catelynn:
A lot of people use their environments and backgrounds as excuses for what’s wro
ng with their lives. We know as well as anybody that family problems, broken homes, and bad role models can push your life in the wrong direction. But from the moment you’re able to look around and see what’s good and bad in your life, it’s your responsibility to take care of whatever is in your control. When Cate and I made that crazy transition from trailer park delinquents to responsible teenagers, we did it in the same environment that had fostered our worst behavior. People always say that in order to change, you have to cut all negative influences out of your life. It’s true that if you can do that, you should. But don’t use that advice to make excuses for not changing, like you can’t make better decisions if someone’s not leading you by the hand. And if there’s someone around who always “gets you into trouble,” it’s on you to learn how to be around that person and not fall into that trap. Don’t blame them. They don’t control your brain or the choices you make. Your friends and family may play a part in what you do, but once you know right from wrong, you need to take responsibility for doing what’s right.
Tyler:
Sometimes that means you have to pass on things that other people choose for themselves. One thing that was hard for us to deal with after Carly was when our friends started having babies. They came from the same messed-up backgrounds we came from, but they decided to make a go of it and keep their babies. When we saw that, it brought out a lot of painful feelings from the part of us that almost didn’t make the decision we made. You make this decision, you plan for it, you make peace with it, and then you’re faced with someone who chose the thing you didn’t. It’s not like you regret what you did, but you have a petty sort of moment of, “Well they’re doing it. Why couldn’t I do it?” It was hard to see people having kids as young as we were and parenting. Of course we had our fantasies and daydreams about what it would be like to have her with us. Watching our friends make the choice we didn’t make brought up all of our “What ifs.” But we made our own decision based on our own situation and our own understanding of what the right thing to do was. Taking responsibility for that decisions means pushing through those painful moments of, “That person has this thing I want. Why can’t I have that?”
Closing Thoughts
Taking responsibility for your life isn’t always easy. Whether it’s owning up to your mistakes or holding up your end of a relationship, recognizing that you’re in charge of your life comes with pressure and tough decisions. But it also puts you in the position to make the most of yourself and your life.
It’s the same as understanding what it means to know right from wrong. We talk about this all the time. When there’s a right thing to do and a wrong thing to do, the right thing usually isn’t the easier option. That’s why people screw up. It’s easy to screw up! It’s easy to act on impulse, to be selfish, to do the thing that feels the best right at this moment. But when you make the effort to do the right thing instead, you see the consequences are so much better in the end. When you’re honest and kind to people, they trust you more. When you’re fair and own up to your mistakes, you get more respect. And when you put someone else’s needs before your own, you get to be a part of their happiness as a result.
Taking responsibility for your life is the same thing. No matter how hard it is to own your behavior, that’s the only way you’ll ever get the most out of life. If you don’t like yourself, make yourself into the kind of person you respect. If you don’t like your life, find out what you can change to make it more like the life you want. If you’ve wronged someone, apologize and give yourself and them a way to move on. And if you ever get the urge to just act up and be selfish, remember it’s not worth compromising the person you want to be!
CHAPTER 11:
* * *
A CHANCE TO INSPIRE
We are on an incredible journey. There have been times when we felt overwhelmed, helpless, and uncertain. There have been disappointments, difficult challenges, and painful sacrifices. But when we made the decision to choose right over wrong and fight for a better life, we opened ourselves to more positivity, happiness, and hope than we ever imagined.
Our efforts have already paid off in the form of so many wonderful blessings. Our first child is in a safe, happy home, surrounded by great role models, and we know she’s getting the chance to pursue every opportunity she deserves. In the years since we placed Carly in adoption, we’ve had our own opportunity to grow into the kind of people we want to be for our children. And the most unexpected gift of all is that we’ve had the chance to share our story with the world and connect with people who can benefit from it.
Since our experience with teen pregnancy and adoption first aired on MTV, we’ve heard from so many people who were touched by our journey. With the help of Dawn, the adoption counselor who guided us through the adoption process and has continued to support us and Carly’s adoptive parents, we began to share our story with people in person through speaking engagements at venues all over the country.
The first time we stood on stage to talk about our adoption experience with a live audience, we were as nervous as you’d expect. Even though we’d already shown our lives to millions of people through 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom, it was a new experience to speak so honestly to a bunch of real-life faces turned toward us. But at the end of our first appearance, we were shocked by the applause we got. The crowd’s reaction made it clear that our story really had meant something to these people. That was even more obvious when certain people from the audience approached us afterwards to thank us personally, ask for our advice, and tell us how much they had connected with our journey. And these weren’t just teenagers, but people of all ages: adoptive parents, people who had been adopted, birth parents, and all kinds of people who had found something in our story to connect with. The first time someone told us we had inspired them to make an adoption plan, we knew this was something we had to keep pursuing. If one person in the audience is impacted positively by what we have to say, that’s more than enough reason for us to keep sharing our story openly, honestly, and freely.
It was insane to look at each other and think, “Wow. Two kids from the trailer park are getting applause for being positive influences.” It made us proud to realize how far we’d come, and it made us determined to make the most out of whatever opportunity we had to inspire people. We’ve worked so hard to get to the point where we feel like we’re contributing something positive to the world in the way we live. Nothing could make us happier than to think that we’ve actually helped people with our experiences.
That was the spirit of writing this book. We’re not life coaches or adoption gurus. We know we’re still young, and we have plenty to learn. But we’re in this privileged position of having a platform and an audience that’s given us a chance to share whatever it is we have to offer. And what we have to offer is our story, our gratitude for anyone who’s listened, and our best wishes for everyone out there who is struggling to do right in their lives and be the best people they can be.
Like we said in the very beginning, this book was written with one goal in mind: to inspire you. If we can spread a message of hope and positivity, that’s what we want to do. For the kids growing up in trailer parks, unstable homes, or in the shadow of family problems and addiction. For the single moms working their butts off to take care of their kids no matter how hard they have to struggle. For the “bad kids” who can’t seem to keep themselves out of trouble, and the parents and teachers who are trying to understand them. For the pregnant teens feeling lost and scared, and overwhelmed by their situations. For anyone who feels trapped in a cycle of dysfunction and wants to make something better of their lives. Whatever encouragement we can offer, we offer it from the bottom of our hearts.
We want to end this book the same way we always end our speaking engagements: With gratitude. No matter what you thought as you read this book, we know we would not be here if it wasn’t for you and all of the other people who have given us a chance to tell our stories. We would not have the stability i
n our decision that we have now without the support so many strangers have given us. Not a day goes by when we don’t give thanks for that support.
We would like to thank our parents, Carly, Brandon & Teresa, MTV, Jake and Nick at NBTV studios, and all the people who have supported us through the hardest times in our lives. You have no idea how crucial you all were in our healing process. Your love and dedication to our story humbles us everyday. We wouldn’t be here without you. For all the people who have been inspired, uplifted and impacted by our story, this is for you because you are the reason we continue to share our story. You are the reason we make ourselves so vulnerable, and you are the reason that makes it all worth it... so thank you.
And finally, to the families affected by adoption, we hope we’ve done your experience justice. To our daughter Carly and to all of the other adopted children who may be reading this book: Never doubt how much love went into the choice your birth parents made. They did not give you up. They made a plan for you to have the best life they could possibly figure out how to offer you. And to all of those loving birth parents and adoptive parents, our hearts are full of understanding and admiration for the positive choices you have made for your children. Your struggles and sacrifices for the young lives who depend on you are worth everything in the world. From the bottom of our hearts, we wish you all the strength, positivity and love in the world.
With all our love,
Catelynn and Tyler
Conquering Chaos Page 14
