Lies Like Love

by Louisa Reid

  Lorraine offered him a chocolate biscuit. He took one. It seemed best to be polite.

  ‘Can I see her?’

  ‘Better not, love, not till she’s feeling brighter. She won’t want you seeing her in the state she’s in.’ She pulled another strange face, as if she had a series of masks, he thought, and this one made her neck tighten, the veins standing out like ropes. Under her make-up her face was pale; there were bags under her eyes.

  ‘Is she really unwell?’

  Lorraine nodded slowly, but he didn’t want to pry.

  ‘I’d better go, then. But will you tell her I called? Say, when she’s ready, if she still wants me to help …’

  ‘Sure. And give my love to Sue, won’t you? Tell her I’m still on for Wednesday. Looking forward to it.’

  Leo walked away from the Grange and paused as he crossed the moat. The water levels had crept higher and a rank smell rose from the surface, which was clouded with weeds and leaves. Something was rotting down there, he thought, and even the vaguest reflection was obscured by the thick black sludge. Glancing back at the house, he stared at the window he thought might be Audrey’s, but the curtains were closed and the window was shut. Even if he called, she wouldn’t hear. He hoped Lorraine would give her his message.

  Audrey

  Mum sent him away; she thought I didn’t hear. This was the start of it. I was a fly in a bottle, a rabbit trapped in wire, and the shine of the fair was dying like a cheap glow stick run dull. I should never have said anything to Leo about coming over, that was the problem. That and the Thing. I paced the room, three steps forward, three steps back, touched the walls with cold fingers, feeling the slick damp slime of water on my skin.

  It had been waiting for me last night. Mum had put me to bed, my head still pounding, and then it had started. The thud in the back of my neck, the rumble in my brain, like a train, like a lorry, out of control, veering off edges, ploughing from high bridges and sailing into deep water. The sink and pull of the beat, metronomic, impossible, forced me out of bed and I marched to its tune, rubbing my arms, twisting my fingers, and tried not to hear the stories that bubbled in my brain. Stories of girls who would come up from the water, of how they were pushed, and how they died down there and how I would too: choking and strangled by weeds and the will of invisible hands.

  ‘Why did you have to spoil it?’ I whispered. ‘Why?’

  The Thing had gone, but my head was hungover with those dreams. I watched Leo walk away. We were supposed to have changed; Mum said this was home. But I was frightened and alone again and everything was as it always had been.

  I shut my mouth and lay back down and listened to the water. It lurched and churned and everything I’d nearly had was sinking deep and under.

  Leo

  Audrey came back to school the following Wednesday. Leo had been looking out for her and when he saw her in the corridor she seemed different. He almost hadn’t spotted her, if he was honest. The fire had gone; in its place a pale shadow, dark circles under her eyes.

  ‘Hey.’ He walked over and stopped her with a gentle hand on her arm. She flinched and stepped back as if to skirt round him, then seemed to reconsider.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Leo said, because this time he really did want to know. She didn’t look quite right; Lorraine had been telling the truth after all. He’d wondered if maybe she’d been putting him off.

  ‘Are you better? I’m sorry you weren’t well. I came over – did your mum tell you?’ he said.

  She nodded and sort of smiled, her eyes blinking too fast, checking over her shoulder. Her shoelaces were untied, he noticed, her jumper on inside out. But her hair was neat and tidy, the long blonde wave tamed into two schoolgirl plaits.

  ‘I can come again, if you like. Help with the essay?’

  ‘No. That’s OK. I’ve done it.’

  ‘Oh, fine. Good, well, shall I wait for you after school? I was going to go to the talk, you know, this archaeology thing? Do you fancy it?’ He was determined not to lose the thread, sure he could get through if he kept trying, pull closer; mend this.

  ‘I have to get Pete.’ Her face was so hard to read today, opaque. Leo shifted his bag on to the other shoulder, the bell signalling the end of break telling him to get a move on. Right, so try something else.

  ‘Oh, yeah, I forgot. Shame. Well, do you want to get together tomorrow, then?’ This was starting to look like desperation. No more, Leo. This was her last chance.

  ‘No. Thanks though,’ she said, and walked away, hurrying into her classroom.

  Audrey disappeared for the rest of the week. As the next few days drifted past, blurring into the weekend, he began to wonder if the way he thought she’d looked at him had been real. Well, he was busy with his work, with the farm, helping Sue and with his running, a bit of drawing, reading. He had enough to do. But still, when he thought of Audrey now, he didn’t quite believe that he’d ever held her hand or that she’d smiled and screamed like she was on fire.

  Audrey

  Most days were OK. Never better than that though, and I tried to forget that there could be more. OK would have to do.

  At least I had school, a safe place to go, so long as Lizzy wasn’t bothering me. She didn’t tend to when I was with Jen. Jen was solid, a proper girl, and I liked sitting with her and having what I had decided to call a friend.

  ‘You know what?’ Jen said to me the week after the fair, looking up and staring across the cafeteria, chewing her sandwich slowly.

  ‘No, what?’

  ‘Leo Bright is permanently staring at you, Aud.’

  My head swam, different dizzy, and I looked for my stomach, which had dived to the floor. I was trying not to think about Leo; it was dangerous to even look his way. I had put the night of the fair away, shut it up safe, and I couldn’t let myself go there or feel like that again. But it was all I wanted, really. That wild, free feeling and Leo’s arm round me. I remembered the scratch of his thick duffle coat on my cheek and how his hand was bigger than mine.

  ‘He isn’t,’ I muttered, not following the line of Jen’s gaze in case I caught his eye and he came over. Jen turned to me and grinned.

  ‘If I were you, I’d be well chuffed. He’s cool. And sweet, really nice. One of the few guys in the sixth form who’ll even acknowledge us pathetic Year Elevens exist. You should capitalize on this, Audrey.’ There were a lot of things Jen thought I ought to do: go round to her house, meet her older mates who didn’t go to college, go to gigs with her, exhibitions in town, even stay the night. She kept inviting; I kept saying no. Soon she’d get it, and then what?

  ‘Yeah, he is nice,’ I had to say, because I owed it to Leo. He was better than nice, but I couldn’t find the words for it, for how he made me feel. ‘He lives near us. So I know him a bit.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And nothing.’ I laughed and shrugged, trying to get the message across. ‘Anyway, I’ve got to go.’

  Mum was waiting outside school in the car. She drove fast to the surgery.

  ‘So,’ said Mum, ‘you’re getting on all right, then?’ She took my hand, examined my fingernails and tutted.

  I nodded. I was all right. Mainly because of Jen.

  ‘But Pete’s lonely, I think, Mum. I’m worried about him.’ I took my hand back and folded my arms.

  ‘Oh, he’ll settle in. It’s an upheaval. Kids at that age are adaptable, so don’t fuss, Aud. You’ve got yourself to be thinking of.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I don’t want him to be sad, do I?’

  ‘And I do?’

  ‘I didn’t say that.’

  I stared at the clock. I was missing English now. Then French. And I’d learned my vocab.

  ‘It should be Dr Caldwell again,’ said Mum. I nodded.

  ‘So, you tell her everything, right?’

  ‘Yeah, OK.’

  We were in and out in five minutes. Mum dropped me back at school and drove off to work. Dr Caldwell had looked at me, listened to Mum, printed the pres
cription and off we’d gone. Mum had picked up the pills, then ripped open the packaging and handed me one in the car.

  ‘There. You’ll feel better now. And don’t forget to pick your brother up. I’m working late.’

  ‘OK, Mum. All right.’ I swallowed it and kissed her cheek. She tasted chalky and hot. Too much powder.

  ‘See you, Mum,’ I called as she drove away, the horn tooting just once.

  Jen and I often went to the art block at lunchtime. She could really draw – her pictures were up all over school, of cows and horses and sheep. She gave them personality; I hadn’t thought a sheep could have a personality. My chin in my hand, I watched her, admiring the speed of her pencils, how she knew where to shade, light and dark. She looked up and grinned at me, then pulled a new piece of paper in front of her.

  ‘Right. Stay there,’ she said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Just keep still.’

  I realized what she was up to and opened my mouth to protest.

  ‘No, be quiet. Don’t ruin it. I don’t usually do people. But I reckon I’ll give you a try, Audrey.’

  ‘Do you have to?’ I muttered.

  ‘Course. Just sit there and be still for ten minutes. All right?’

  So she had me. And when Leo walked in I couldn’t move or even look in the other direction, but I saw Jen’s mouth twitch when he walked over, although her hand never paused.

  ‘Hey, Jen. Audrey,’ Leo said, looking at Jen mostly. Only once at me. It made my eyes hot. His thick dark hair was its usual mess. His mouth was still smiling, but it wasn’t the same. Something inside began to sink.

  ‘That’s good,’ he said, looking at Jen’s half-finished sketch.

  ‘You think?’

  ‘Yeah. I do. Very –’ He paused. I waited to hear what he was going to say. What word he would choose. But he didn’t finish the sentence, just shrugged, and that hurt too. It wasn’t supposed to hurt, I was supposed to have forgotten about the fair and how kind he was and how much I liked him. Because Leo was a good person. I felt that, like I felt sure that the sky was forever and that Peter was precious and that everyone deserved a chance.

  ‘Look –’ Jen suddenly stood up – ‘I’ll be back in a tick. Just need to ask Mrs Moore something, OK.’

  And she abandoned me there, and I was alone with Leo, for the first time in ages. He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets, then folded himself into Jen’s chair, leaning forward across the desk.

  ‘You OK?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Sure?’

  ‘Yeah.’ God, what did he think?

  ‘Good. So, you know, I’ve been meaning to say … Your mum told you about our annual bonfire party?’

  ‘What bonfire party?’ It was the first I’d heard of it.

  ‘Oh, well, it’s in half-term, Saturday evening. Sue says she’s invited you all, but I just wanted to mention it and say, well, I’m looking forward to it. To seeing you there. That is if you’re coming?’

  ‘I dunno. Mum doesn’t like going out much.’

  ‘Really? But she and Sue are quite pally, aren’t they? So, hopefully she’ll have remembered. Do come, if you can.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘I mean it, I’d like it. Like to see you, I mean. At school, well, you can’t ever really talk at school.’

  ‘No. I guess so.’ The bell rang and I stood up. He had his hand on the picture Jen had been drawing. I couldn’t very well snatch it out from under his palm.

  ‘I’d better go,’ I said, ‘registration.’ He nodded, still smiling at me with his whole face, making me hot again and bothered again, and I knew how I felt wasn’t going to go away, no matter what I did.

  ‘See you, then, Audrey,’ Leo said, still standing there, still watching me, and I somehow unfixed myself from the spot and walked away.

  Leo

  Lizzy was waiting for him again. Ever since the fair she’d started appearing in the corridor just outside whichever room he happened to be vacating, falling into step beside him and making small talk. Small being the operative word. What did he think about the latest crap TV show she’d been watching, did he want to maybe listen to her new boy-band album, why hadn’t he found her on Facebook, why didn’t he come out with them on Friday night?

  ‘Hey,’ she said, falling into step with him again, just before lunchtime. Leo was on his way to the art block. Finding Audrey there yesterday had been a bonus and he thought he might be lucky again.

  ‘Hi.’ Leo’s plan was to keep looking straight ahead. To walk fast, like he had a purpose. Which he did.

  ‘So, you want to know what I heard?’ Lizzy took a run of little steps to catch him, tugged the sleeve of his jacket.

  ‘Um, I don’t know. Do I?’ He hazarded a quick glance her way, didn’t like the look in her eyes and focused again on the main doors. In under a minute he’d be out of here. If he ran it would be just seconds.

  ‘I think you might be interested,’ Lizzy teased.

  ‘Well, what’s it about?’ Her hand on his sleeve was a drag.

  ‘That girl, the new girl.’

  ‘You mean Audrey.’ He couldn’t help it; he looked at Lizzy. There was a sly cast to her expression, a twist to her smile. ‘I’m not interested in rumours, Lizzy, or in bitchiness. OK?’

  ‘No, this isn’t that. It’s worse.’

  ‘What? What are you talking about?’

  ‘Just that, well, you know how she’s weird, right? Well, I heard from my mum that’s she’s definitely mental. So my mum knows her mum and she says she’s been in homes. Like properly locked up and stuff. Apparently she’s really violent. I don’t think they should let people like that in schools though, do you? Not with us normal kids. I mean, you don’t know what she might do.’ Lizzy’s eyes goggled at him. She licked her lips, her tongue darting, excited.

  Leo tensed. He stopped walking and took Lizzy’s arm, pulled her to one side, looking at her hard. She took a step back.

  ‘Lizzy, you know what? I think these rumours you’re spreading are horrible.’

  ‘They’re not rumours. They’re true.’ Her eyes beat out at him, hot with outrage.

  ‘Well, I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it. The only person who looks bad here is you, you see, because Audrey’s my friend. I actually like her. So, please, just leave it, all right? Stop talking shit. And grow up.’

  She stared, her face heating to a beetroot glow, the blush spreading up her ears into her scalp. Leo let go of her arm and tried to smile once, just very briefly.

  ‘OK,’ he said.

  ‘OK,’ she answered, quieter, and he turned round and walked away.

  Audrey

  I’d nearly managed a whole half-term in school. That was something, I thought, as I went to the nurse’s office at lunchtime and took my pill, like Mum had arranged. There were only two days left until the holidays and that was a relief, because I was sleeping too much and then feeling sick, dizzy, almost upside down. Mum said it was a side effect, worth it if I got better and could be brave and strong like other girls. I wanted to be like Jen – Jen would never be scared of the Thing – so I swallowed my pills and tried to smile at the school nurse, calling a cheery goodbye. On my way to registration, I pushed through the heavy doors into the next corridor, thinking about how I might take Peter to our den after school; it was brightening up outside. We’d filled half of the notebook with drawings and I wanted to collect leaves to stick in, acorns, maybe look for animal markings in the damp rich earth. Peter could copy and label them and start to keep a record. But first I had to sit through afternoon lessons. More French. More Science. Stay awake now, Aud, try your best. But I took a wrong turn, bewildered by the meandering corridors, not certain where I was or where I ought to go. So I didn’t see Lizzy until it was too late. She stopped me and barred the door.

  ‘So, you seeing him, then?’ I didn’t like her hand on my shoulder. I shifted and tried to shake it off; I had to act hard.

  ‘Seeing who?’
>
  ‘The Chinaman.’ Her mates laughed. One of them popped bubblegum near my ear. I turned and tried to dodge past them.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You know who I mean. Leo.’ She drew the word out, her mouth twisting as if she were going to be sick.

  ‘Mind your own business,’ I said. Where was Jen? I needed her at my side, a silent back-up.

  Lizzy took a step forward.

  ‘He wouldn’t want to get with a little skank like you, anyway. Who would? Who knows what you’ve got?’

  ‘Oh, shut up.’ I edged away, trying to make my way without touching any of them, but a hand on my back sent me sprawling, my glasses flying. The shock jarred my arms as I landed, but I didn’t make a sound, reached for my specs and shoved them in my pocket. If I waited on the floor, didn’t move, didn’t cry, it’d be fine. They’d go away and leave me alone. But Lizzy had a better idea.

  ‘Get up, come on.’ A pair of hands grabbed me, pulling me to my feet.

  ‘You know what you are, don’t you?’ Lizzy said, smiling, straightening my jumper, her fingers like little pincers. She didn’t expect an answer. I zipped my mouth shut.

  ‘You’re a schizo bitch, aren’t you?’

  I still didn’t answer. Better not to. Better to pretend they weren’t real, just ghosts flitting in and out of my mind. They would die soon; we’d all die soon. They just didn’t know it yet.

  ‘We all know. That you’re sick in the head. That you cut yourself up like a dirty, skanky bitch.’ She grabbed my arm and wrenched back my sleeve, then held the evidence in front of the others. Her fingers manacled my wrist and the scars glowed. ‘Tried to top yourself, once, didn’t you? What went wrong? You screw up, Mental?’

  Her spit hit my face. I closed my eyes. I felt sick. How did she know? I pretended I was deaf and dumb. Played stupid, the fool.

  ‘We don’t want you here,’ Lizzy said. ‘You should fuck off. Tell you what, we’ll help you.’