by J. Nichole
“I’m fine with you guys tagging along. As long as you don’t try to block.” I stare at the guys without cracking a smile. Guys can get real territorial when other dudes try to move in on what they think is already theirs.
Before leaving the group, we all exchange numbers, and then Tanya and I head back to our room.
Tanya is slowly moving around, her long legs taking half their usual stride. I sit on the bed and take a long breath. “I know I’m still a virgin. But I do know what pregnancy symptoms are. You and Devon have been using protection all the time, right?”
Tanya looks down at her feet. “To be completely honest with you, we haven’t.” She looks at me. “But I have been taking the pill, religiously. I’m scared right now. I’ve never felt like this before. I’m hoping it’s just my nerves getting the best of me.” Tanya tears up as she talks to me. God I hope she isn’t pregnant.
“Tanya, I will pray for you. I really hope the pills are working.” I rub my forehead. “How are you feeling right now? Do you think you can make it out tonight? Or should you stay in?”
“I’m feeling better right now and I think I should be fine tonight. I’ll let you know if I can’t hang. We met some cool people today. If I can’t hang, at least you have them to go with.”
Tanya is right, we did meet some cool people. I have to accept the fact that Tanya and I can’t always be together. I love my girl to death, but I do need to expand my circle.
Our parents take us to Bennigan’s for dinner. There are several families in front of us on the waiting list. As we wait, Tanya starts talking about campus, our tests, the hotel, pausing only to take breaths of air.
Walking to the table, I pull Tanya close. “Hey, you have been talking nonstop. You need to relax.” Tanya covers her mouth and nods.
When we are finally seated, my mom leans over and says, “Laila, did you meet any new friends today?”
I lean in closer. “Actually we did, ma, we met a few girls and guys who we are going out with tonight.”
“Well, excuse me. Didn’t know you ladies had plans for the night.” My mom starts giggling.
We quickly scarf our dinner down. “Dinner has been nice, but we should get back to the dorm.” Tanya nods her head in the direction of the door.
“All right ladies, we’ll get you out of here. Don’t stay out too late. Make sure you get enough rest for the tests in the morning,” Mrs. Jones says.
What’s college about if we aren’t able to balance the party life with the books? Tonight is our first college party, we have to do it up!
When we get back in the room, we shuffle through our luggage. “What color are you wearing?” I peep over at the selection Tanya has draped across the bed.
“It’s a toss-up between navy and orange.” She throws her hands up.
Looking over my options, I decide on cream. I groan at the thought of using the community shower.
Tanya laughs. “I bet I know what that’s about. Not ready to hit that shower, are you?”
“Hell no, should have crashed the hotel bathrooms.” I shake my head.
Tanya rubs her stomach and says, “You’re right, my stomach is feeling queasy again.”
As I enter the bathroom, it reminds me of an abandoned hospital. Sterile white, but unkempt. The lights are dim, and I realize the stench in my room is not hardly as bad as the smell in this bathroom. This will be the quickest shower ever. If it weren’t for the heat, I would consider skipping the shower altogether.
As we finish getting dressed in the room there is a bang on the door.
I open the door, and of course, it’s our new friends. “Are y’all ready to go?” Jennifer sticks her head through the door and checks out Tanya’s outfit.
“We are just about ready.” I’m ready, but Tanya is moving too slow.
“We’ll meet you downstairs. The guys are waiting for us,” Jennifer says with a loud chuckle.
There is a line of cars outside of the dorms. The party shuttles. We fill up a couple of cars. Our driver is a junior from Alabama. Tanya nudges me and whispers, “What type of mess is this? Shuttles are students in their cars?”
I laugh. “Weird, but I’ll take it. Just as long as these shuttles make sure they return our asses back to campus when the party is over.”
The line in front of the club is crazy long. Luckily, it’s moving fast. Once inside, we can hardly move through the crowd, but the guys lead the way and find us a table. Then, they conveniently post up around us.
Lil Wayne’s Earthquake comes on, and we dash out to the dance floor. We hop in a row and start a line dance.
Just as we are grooving, I catch a glimpse of Tanya with her mouth puffed out. I grab her hand and rush to find the restroom. I push her in a stall in time for her dinner to hit the toilet.
Grabbing a wet paper towel, I hold it against her forehead. “Okay, that smell is fucking disgusting. Here, get off the floor.” I pull her up and lean her against the stall door.
“Damn. I hate throwing up, and in public is like ten times worse.” Tanya wipes the corners of her mouth. “I should probably try to get out of here. I don’t want to go back to the dorm, but I’m not going to wake my parents up to come get me.” I take a deep breath and nod.
Rolling her neck, Tanya pulls her hair back and wipes her forehead. “Laila, I can’t be pregnant. This can’t be happening to me.” Tears begin rushing down her face.
Chapter 8
While unpacking my bag from the weekend, my phone rings. I didn’t expect to hear from Jennifer this soon.
“Hey Jennifer!” I laugh as she begins to speak. Her accent almost makes her words difficult to understand over the phone.
“Hey Laila. How’s Tanya feeling? I feel bad that you guys had to leave the party early.” I can’t tell her I’m on my way to the store to buy Tanya a pregnancy test.
“We made it home without her getting sick again. It’s probably something she ate, mixed with that heat and humidity,” my voice trails off. I’ll stop talking before I say too much.
“I’m ready to get back to school already. This weekend was just a preview of what our year will be like,” Jennifer practically squeals.
“I hope I can hang. I decided to pick early classes. Hopefully, waking up that early doesn’t kick my ass.”
“You are trippin’. I’ll be sleeping in and catching the afternoon classes.” Jennifer rambles on about the guys and Harris Hall.
“Hey Jennifer, I need to get going. I’ll call you later this week.” I have to go get a pregnancy test and get over to Tanya’s house before her parents get home.
But before I leave, I need to get in the shower. After a weekend in the dorm, I cherish every moment I have in a clean shower void of random hair, used soap, and grime. There are some dirty heffas in this world and half of them were in the dorms this weekend.
I send Tanya a quick text.
I’m on my way, go ahead and drink some water. It’s time to take this test.
I pass the CVS and Walgreens near my house. The store by the school is less likely to have someone inside who would know me or my parents.
Thankfully, the parking lot is empty. As I walk in, I don’t recognize anyone. I beeline it to the aisle with tampons, condoms, and pregnancy tests. Damn, why are these tests so expensive? Looking over my shoulder as I grab the test, I quickly walk to the counter. Thank God this test isn’t for me.
As I’m checking out, I hear someone over my shoulder say, “Hey Laila, is that you? How are you doing darlin’?”
Turning around as the clerk bags the pregnancy test, I see Mrs. Dupree from my church. Shit. “Hey, Mrs. Dupree. I’m doing good. How are you?”
She gently smiles and raises her chin. “Blessed darlin’, blessed. I hope you are having a good summer.”
“Yes ma’am.” I nervously smile. “I’ll see you Sunday.” Hopefully, Mrs. Dupree didn’t see the pregnancy test. If she did, I’m sure I will hear about it soon.
I grab my bag and leave the s
tore as quickly as I entered. I hop into my car, heading in the direction of Tanya’s neighborhood. Rounding the corner to her house, I see Mrs. Jones’ car parked in front. I grab the Walgreens bag and stuff it into my purse.
“Hey, Mrs. Jones.” Tanya’s mom answers the door. “I thought you would be at work by now.”
“Having a few issues with Tanya this morning. She isn’t feeling well.” She fidgets around the living room. “I am trying to get her situated before I leave for work. I’m glad you are here, though. You can look after her when I leave.” A slight smile crosses her face. She signals me to walk with her and she places her hand on my back as we walk to Tanya’s room. I wonder if Mrs. Jones suspects Tanya is pregnant.
Tanya is sprawled out on her bed, looking pitiful. Not her usual put together self. By this time of the day, she is usually perky, fully dressed, with a made-up face. When Tanya notices me in the room, she briefly lifts her head up and grins.
“Mrs. Jones, I can look after Tanya while you go to work. I’m sure we’ll be fine.” I look back at Mrs. Jones as I sit down beside Tanya.
She leans down and kisses Tanya on the forehead. “Thank God for your friends, Tanya. Remember what we discussed. I’ll be home after my meetings today. Let me know if you need anything before then.”
As Tanya’s mom walks out of the room, Tanya puts her finger to her lip, “Shhh.”
Keeping quiet, I look around the spacious room. Even with her queen size bed in the middle, there is space to walk between the dresser, desk, and bed. The fuchsia and yellow is blinding. I can’t even focus, she needs to take this test.
Her mom is still meandering around the house. “Where has Josh been? He has been incognito most of the summer.”
Tanya lifts her head again, her eyes are bright red. She doesn’t respond, but puts her finger to her mouth again.
Ugh, her mom needs to leave. I can only sit in silence for so long. I pull out my phone and start checking Facebook. I have a few posts from people I met during orientation. Everyone is excited to get back on the hill in a few weeks.
The front door shuts, and then Tanya finally speaks. “Laila, I have no idea what’s going on anymore.” She takes a deep breath. “My life seems like it’s out of control right now. I’ve been so emotional lately.” As if on cue, a tear escapes her eye, and she sniffles. “I think I’ve been crying since last night. My mom came in to ask me what’s been going on. I told her I was just torn about starting school and being away from home... and Devon.” She sighs and looks down at her hands.
“How have you been feeling physically? Your mom said you weren’t feeling well. Are you still feeling nauseous?”
“I have thrown up a couple of times.” She pouts her lips. “I can’t really keep anything down. I will either throw it up or feel like I’m going to throw it up. I woke up feeling like crap. When my mom came in to talk to me about all this crying I guess she realized I was sick too.”
Raising my eyebrows I say, “Do you think your mom suspects you’re pregnant?”
Tanya shrugs. “I don’t think she does. But you mentioned Josh, who isn’t quite as naive as my mom.” She rolls her eyes. “He came in this morning to ask my mom why she hadn’t left for work. When I told him I was feeling bad and had been crying he asked me if I was pregnant. Thank God, my mom thinks I’m an angel and told him he was crazy.”
My mouth drops. “Oh shit. I can’t believe Josh would do that. But you know he loves you and I’m sure he didn’t do it to get you in trouble.” I look at her for a confirming nod. “After he said that, did he just leave?” Tanya is finally out of the bed and walking around, picking up shirts, books, and shoes putting them in her closet.
Turning from the closet, Tanya says, “When my mom told him he was crazy they went back and forth for a few minutes. I guess he got pissed that my mom wasn’t listening to him and he left.” She looks up at the ceiling. “Now I feel horrible my family is feuding because of me. But what’s even worse is I don’t even know if I’m pregnant or if there is something else wrong with me.” She groans. “You said you bought a test? I think I’m ready to get this over with.”
We head to the bathroom with the test, lock the door, and read the instructions. Tanya sits on the toilet and I hand her the dipstick. Dear God, please let this test be negative.
The test sits on the counter for a few minutes and it feels like an eternity. Tanya walks over to the mirror. Rubbing her face, and with weary eyes and her mouth downturned she begins to cry again. I grab her, and then pull her head down to my shoulder.
“Tanya, it’s going to be okay. Regardless of the results of this test, your life isn’t over. Your plans may not turn out the way you want them, but trust and believe you can still reach your goals. Have you talked to Devon at all about what’s been going on?”
She shakes her head, and then she picks up the test and shrieks. Her tears start rolling uncontrollably. Fuck!
Tanya sinks to the floor and curls up into a ball, weeping uncontrollably. I bend down and wrap my arms around her. I hold her for a few minutes, and then I begin to wipe her tears away. As quickly as one disappears, it is replaced by another.
She looks up at me. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m supposed to be starting college in a few weeks. I had so much planned.” She grabs her chest. “How the hell could I let this happen? Dear God, what am I going to do now?” She is screaming as if God is too far away to hear her.
As she screams, the tears that were pooling in my eyes begin cascading down my cheeks. My mind is blank. I feel powerless. Typically, I’m a glass half-full type of person. Today, the glass has a hole in the bottom.
Grabbing Tanya’s wrists, I pull her up from the cold bathroom floor. Leading us to her room, and then sitting her on the bed, I take a deep breath. “Tanya, do you think you should call Devon?” The daggers she shot at me caught me off guard. She suddenly stops crying and her face straightens up, and then she just shakes her head. “Are you sure? Do you want me to call him?”
Tanya looks away from me. “Laila, there is something I haven’t told you.” She pauses. “I was hoping I never would need to tell you. I feel like such a hoe, especially now. I look like one of the women on the fucking Maury Povich show.”
I just gaze at Tanya. I have no idea what she is talking about. Shit ...we haven’t watched Maury in years. Why at this moment would she be thinking about his show? “Tanya, what the hell are you talking about?”
She falls back on her pillow. “It’s a long story. One I don’t even really want to remember, especially now.” She covers her eyes with her hands. “Basically, the week I lost my virginity, Devon and I got into an argument. He said some really hurtful things to me and I just needed to talk to someone. I didn’t want to tell you, so I randomly called Randy. We met up, one thing led to another, and then we had sex.” She buries her face in the pillow.
Not only did she lose her virginity, she has had sex with two dudes in less than a week. “Wow.” Not another single word can escape my mouth.
Tanya mumbles something into her pillow but I can’t hear her.
Staring at Tanya with a raised brow, I say, “Should you call Randy?” I chuckle, and for a brief moment, Tanya does too.
“No, I need time to think. I would rather not talk to either of them.”
Wait, her reference to Maury must mean that she doesn’t know who could be the daddy. I hope to hell she isn’t telling me that she had unprotected sex with Randy too!
I snatch Tanya’s shoulder and force her to look at me. “Tanya, are you telling me that you didn’t use a condom with Randy either?”
Tanya begins to sob. I lie across the bed with her.
“This morning, my mom told me that I could tell her anything and she would help me through it. It sounded reassuring when she said it, I just can’t disappoint her like this.” She fans her face. “For the record, I did use a condom with Randy. You sat through sex-ed like I did.” I do remember those nasty videos they showed during s
ex-ed, I hope I never encounter man parts like that.
I nod my head. “Right.”
“Condoms are not one-hundred percent fool proof. For now, I can only deal with myself. I do not need to get the guys involved. I need to rest from all this emotion.” She exhales. “Then I’ll decide when I will tell my parents.”
“You’ve always said you couldn’t have an abortion. But now that you’re pregnant...”
Tanya puts her hand up. “Laila, I still can’t do it.” She touches her belly. “Thank you for being here. I’m going to take a nap and call you later.”
Tanya and I hug, and then I quietly leave out of the house. On my drive home, I try to perk myself up. My mom has a sneaky way of getting information from me, but her mouth is too big for this secret.
Although I try hard to bury the thoughts, I can’t help but think about how things have suddenly changed. I may be at Lee without my best friend. This could have easily been me. I was the one who skipped my pills. Travis going to jail may have been a blessing in disguise.
When I get home, I head directly to the couch, and then I pull out my laptop, which I haven’t played with much since getting it graduation night. Messing around with the programs, a calendar notification pops up. Travis’ court date. Without a second thought, I dismiss the notification.
Opening the Pages application, a blank document appears on the screen. My hands begin to type a few letters, words, and before I know it, a full letter to Travis is on the screen.
Reading it back to myself, my eyes water.
Travis,
As your court date approaches, I think I owe it to you to at least let you know the reasons why I can’t be there to support you. The time we spent together was amazing. You slowly but surely earned my love and respect. Against what all others wanted to happen, I fell for you. Too hard. I want nothing but the best for you. No matter how much potential I saw in you, my dreams were never your dreams. At first, I was so upset about what went down the night of my graduation but now I understand that it happened for a reason. Had it not happened, I would still believe that we had potential to build something special. You’ve proven to me that my love for you far outweighed your feelings for me. As much as I want to hear you apologize and tell me you’ll change, I have to move on, I need to move on. Coming to court will only make things harder for me. I pray that you will one day realize your potential and build dreams for yourself.
