Shattered Dreams

by Brenda Kennedy

  “I’m sorry, son. I didn’t realize she was that worried.”

  “Danny, of course, she’s worried. It’s hard being an Army wife. All she does is worry about him,” mom says.

  “Mom, dad, please excuse me.” I stand and walk into the kitchen where Emma is standing at the window looking outside at the two deer in the backyard. I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her. She leans back into me and rests her head on my chest.

  “I’m sorry, he didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “He didn’t, I worry anyway.” Emma turns around and looks up at me. She is only 5’3” and is significantly shorter than me. I look down at her and smile. “Max, when your four years are up, I want you to get out of the service, move back to Florida, and raise James around our family.”

  “Emma?”

  “Max, no, you listen to me. When we got married, you said you would enlist for four years. You have two years left. I don’t want to be here and have to worry about you and what kind of training you are doing today or tomorrow, or the next day. I don’t want to know what kind of weapons of mass destructions are in the world. I don’t want to have to worry if you’ll be home tonight or if you won’t be home at all.”

  I look at Emma and I can see her pain. Her eyes are always so honest; they reveal the truth of her thoughts. Her lip quivers, her eyes well up with tears, and her fair-skinned face instantly becomes blotchy. I hold her and wrap her safely into my arms.

  “I’m sorry, Em.”

  She shakes her head. I bend down to kiss her soft smooth hair. She smells like James. I close my eyes and picture my perfect family. “All right,” I say.

  She slowly looks up at me with tear-stained cheeks. “Really? Do you mean that?”

  “I do, I only want you and James to be happy. In two more years, we’ll pack up and move back to Florida.”

  “You won’t change your mind?” she asks, hesitantly.

  “No, if that’s what you want. We’ll move back to Florida.”

  “Oh, Max. Thank you.”

  “Em, I just want you and James. I don’t care where we are, as long as I have you two by my side.” I smile and say, “Always and forever.”

  Emma smiles, too, and says, “Forever and always.”

  We both laugh. Mom and dad walk into the room. “What is so funny?” my dad asks.

  “Your son — he can never get our saying right.” Emma pulls away from me and wipes the tears from her cheeks.

  “Emma, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize the mention of the meeting tomorrow would upset you. That was very inconsiderate of me. I didn’t mean to ruin your dinner,” my dad says.

  “Danny, it wasn’t you. Since I had James, I am just one big emotional wreck. These hormones are going crazy,” Emma says, wiping her cheek and straightening her hair with her fingers.

  “Please accept my apologies. I didn’t mean any harm.”

  “I know that. Do you want to hear some good news?” Emma beams.

  “We would love to,” my dad says, standing tall and confident beside my mother.

  “We are going to move back to Florida in two years. You guys will get to watch James grow up.”

  My father doesn’t say anything, but my mother runs over and hugs Emma. Having been a military wife, my mother can relate to Emma’s concerns and worries. “Oh, Emma, I get to be near my grandbaby. This is wonderful news.”

  I step away from Emma and walk into the living room to get James from his bassinette. As I expected, my father follows me. “Have you thought this through, Max?”

  I lay James down to change his diaper then look up at my father. “I have. Emma worries non-stop about me and I want to be involved in my son’s life.”

  “Max, the military can offer you and your family a great living and unlimited free education, and you can travel and see the world at no cost to you.”

  “Dad, I know that. I want all those things for my family. I would do anything for Emma and for James. Please try to understand, and I mean no disrespect to you or the military. I have a wife I love more than myself and a son I would kill for. I just want to be with them. I don’t want to look back on my life in 20 years and wonder where the time went. I don’t want to count how many of my son’s birthdays I missed.”

  My dad stands tall without slouching and squares his shoulders. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be there for you and your mother.”

  “No, dad, it’s fine. You did what you thought was right and it worked out for us as a family. We had a good military life and I had a great childhood because we did travel and move a lot. I saw some amazing places and met some amazing people. But now, I want to do what Emma and I feel is right for our family. I hope you can understand that.” I look at my dad and add, “I want to be home with them and be present in James’ life. I’m not sure the Army is right for me to do that. I love being a soldier and I will miss it, but I will miss seeing James and Emma more.”

  Dad walks over and sits beside me on the couch. “I have always been proud of you, but I don’t think I have ever been more proud of you than I am right now.”

  “Thank you.”

  At that time Emma and mom walk into the room smiling.

  “Two years will fly by in no time,” mom says.

  “Look at what has happened in the last two years. We got married, joined the service, got pregnant, and became parents,” Emma says, looking at me, and then she looks at our son. “I guess time does fly.”

  Later that night, I am unable to sleep. I am surprised to see my dad sitting at the dining room table. “Can’t sleep either, huh?” I ask.

  My dad is already dressed and I wonder if he is up for the day.

  “I was hoping to have a chance to talk to you in private,” my dad says, looking up from his coffee cup.

  “I was wanting to talk to you as well,” I say, taking a seat across from him.

  “I just wanted to make sure you are ready for your deployment.”

  “Well, I think I have everything I need.”

  “Are you mentally ready? Are you ready to go over there and fight for your country?”

  “I am. I love Emma and James more than anything in this world. The Army has informed us of the dangers that invade the Middle East at present. I plan to go over there and do what I have to do to protect Emma and James and my country, but I also plan to come home alive when it’s done and over with.”

  My dad nods and drinks the rest of his coffee. “Well, it sounds like you have it all worked out. I am very proud to call you my son.”

  “Thank you. I need you to do something for me while I’m gone. I know they said the deployment would be in six months, but I think you and I both know what the meeting will be about tomorrow.”

  “An earlier deployment. Go ahead, I’m listening.”

  “I need you to make sure Emma and James are taken care of while I’m gone.” My dad nods but doesn’t say anything. “I increased my life insurance policy the other day, and if something happens to me I want you to make sure that Emma and James get every benefit from the Army they are entitled to.”

  “Son, I will. Don’t worry about her and James. If the time comes for those things, I won’t let them fall through the cracks.”

  “Thank you.

  Emma

  Max went to work today at 6:00 a.m. and I am staying home with his mom and dad. His dad actually left with Max this morning and was going for his morning run. Danny is so disciplined; even out of the service, he still acts and looks like a soldier. He has the best posture of anyone I have ever seen. Cheryl, Max’s mom, makes breakfast and has it on the table precisely at 8:00 a.m. I am certain this is a routine that has been around for a long time.

  Danny comes in from his run and showers, and Cheryl has the food ready for him when he comes downstairs. I join them at the table and nibble on some toast and ask Danny about his exercise routine.

  Danny explained to me, “I get up, I go to the bathroom, I go for a run. If I don’t go for a run immediately after I
get out of the bathroom, then running doesn’t get done. Therefore, I go for a run immediately after I get out of the bathroom — I don’t even have coffee first.”

  Cheryl replied, “While Danny runs, I stay at home and do my aerobic exercise.”

  “She means that she gets back in bed and snores,” Danny said.

  “Snoring is aerobic exercise," Cheryl joked. “I figure that as long as I am alive and breathing without the help of a machine, I am working out.”

  “Actually, Cheryl prefers to do yoga and exercise in the afternoons with her Tamilee Webb DVDs,” Danny said. “Both of us know that if we take care of ourselves in our sixties, we are much likelier to have healthy seventies.”

  After breakfast Cheryl helps me bathe James and once I am ready, we head out to Alexandria Bay for some sightseeing. I know this is Danny’s attempt at taking my mind off the meeting Max’s platoon and their leaders are having.

  Cheryl knows it is a lame distraction, but she goes along with it. I also go along with it. Danny is trying so hard. Getting out and seeing Alexandria Bay and having lunch on the water is very nice. It’s March and still cold in upstate New York. We visit a lot of the shops and mostly sightsee from within the buildings. If this were mid-summer, we would be able to take a boat ride and visit some of the many islands and old castles that surround Alexandria Bay.

  We stop by the store before heading home, I want to grab something special to make Max for dinner. I know Max well enough to know that if today was stressful for me, it was also stressful for him.

  Max comes home from work with a smile on his face. He is still wearing his Army fatigues and combat boots. He greets his parents warmly before walking over to James and me.

  “I have missed you.” He smiles and bends over and kisses me.

  “And we missed you, too,” I say, kissing him back.

  “It smells delicious in here. Seafood?” he asks, kneeling down in front of me.

  “I decided on a clam bake for dinner.”

  “You brought Florida to us?” He smiles as he strokes James’ soft cheek. “Do I have time to shower?”

  “If you hurry.”

  “Good, I’ll be right back. I love you,” he saying, smiling at me, “and you, too,” he says, kissing a sleeping James.

  I smile from a sitting position and watch Max walk up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Once he is out of sight, I place James in his bassinet and walk into the kitchen. I check the two pots of boiling water and add some final ingredients and seasoning. I even bought strawberries for Max’s favorite dessert, strawberry cheesecake.

  Cheryl comes into the kitchen to offer her help. We set the table with a white lace tablecloth and white tapered candles. I step back and look at the table. It looks beautiful. Once Max comes down from his shower, Cheryl and I get the food out on the table. I can see from the corner of my eye Danny and Max talking. I know they are talking about the meeting he had at work today. I also know Max won’t talk about it with me until he is ready. I worry, but I try to put a smile to my lips.

  We sit around the round table and everyone holds hands for the grace. Once Danny finishes the prayer, we begin to eat.

  The boiled red skin potatoes, corn on the cob, clams, crab legs, and boiled shrimp are all laid out on a beautiful white platter. Cheryl even made homemade cornbread, another of Max’s favorites.

  “Emma, this is delicious,” Max says, wiping the melted butter from his hands.

  “She is a wonderful cook, son,” Danny says, breaking a crab leg with his hands.

  “Please, all I did was boil water and throw everything into the pot,” I laugh, because it’s the truth. “Your mom made the cornbread from scratch. She’s the real cook.”

  “Mom, as you already know, this is my favorite. Em, I’m gonna need you to start making these once they leave.”

  “Um, Max, not gonna happen,” I say. And we all laugh. “If you’re lucky, she’ll make some and freeze it for you before they leave, tomorrow.”

  “Mom?” Max asks, looking at her with a sad face.

  “I already did, Max, there is enough to get you by for the next few weeks.”

  Max looks over at me and smiles. He is such a momma’s boy. That explains why he is such a great husband. Any man who loves his mother will treat his wife with a great amount of respect. Before marrying someone, you should watch how he treats his mother.

  “Thank you, Mom.”

  “Let me know when that’s gone and I’ll overnight you some more.”

  “Thank you, and Em, you’re off the hook this time.” He smiles.

  We eat and nothing is mentioned about the meeting. I don’t mention it, but I make eye contact with Cheryl throughout dinner and I know she is also covering up her concern. Once we have finished dinner, Cheryl and I clear the table and start a pot of coffee. Maybe he’ll say something when we have dessert.

  Max and Danny sit at the table with James and talk quietly. Danny holds James and rocks him side to side. Cheryl and I dish out the strawberry cheesecake onto dessert plates and pour the coffee into cups for everyone. Once we are all seated at the table, the atmosphere changes. There is an odd feeling that wasn’t there earlier.

  “What’s going on?” I ask. Usually I wait for Max to start a conversation about the Army, but today feels different. I look at Max, then at Danny and then at Cheryl. I can tell Cheryl feels it, too.

  “Max?” Cheryl says, reaching for her husband’s arm. He reaches out and takes her hand in his.

  I can’t look any longer. I close my eyes. My nose begins to tingle, and I can’t be certain why. No one has said anything, so why do I feel like crying? It’s too quiet, and it’s an eerie feeling. I open my eyes and stare into my lap. I can’t look at him, I fidget with the paper napkin I am holding. “You’re being deployed sooner, aren’t you?”

  I finally look around the table. His mother looks fear stricken, but his dad is expressionless. I reluctantly look over at Max and I already know. His face tells everything he is feeling. My big strong soldier wears his heart on his sleeves and his emotions on his face. Max never fears for himself but fears for me instead. “You are, aren’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  It’s the only thing I can hear. I know he is talking, but all I hear are mumbled voices in the far distance. I can’t tell who is talking and I just stare into space. My nose tingles and I rub it to try to make it stop.

  “When?” I ask and I don’t know if I interrupted them talking or not. No one says anything and I already know it’s soon.

  “When, Max?” I finally look over at him and he looks so sad. The tears fall onto my cheeks and I can’t see. I stand and he takes my hand and guides me to him. I sit on his lap and hug him. He wraps his large arms around me and I cry. When I finally pull away from him, I cup my hands to his face.

  “When do you leave?”

  “Friday, we leave on Friday.”

  “I thought you still had a few more months?”

  “It’s an emergency deployment. They need more troops over there sooner than they expected.”

  I hear a cry come from across the table and I know it’s his mother. I can’t look at her. As much as my heart is breaking, I can’t imagine how she feels. Her only son is leaving to fight a war in the Middle East.

  “But James is only three weeks old. You can’t leave now.”

  “I know, Em, I’m sorry.”

  Max also cups my face and I know it’s so I can’t look away. He gently rubs my earlobe and it brings a small smile to my face. I lean my head into his large hands.

  I clear my throat and try to find my voice. “Who all is going?”

  “Everyone in the platoon.”

  “Everyone?”

  “I’m afraid so.”

  “Emma?” Danny says in his deep, husky voice.

  I turn around and look at him. “Yes.” I try to stand up, but Max holds me tightly to him.

  “I know this is all new to everyone, but we are supposed to leave tomorr
ow to return to Florida. We can stay longer and help out with James. Max, do you know how long you’ll be deployed?”

  I didn’t think about that. I look back at him and wait for him to answer.

  “We have another meeting on Wednesday, and we’ll know more then.”

  I don’t totally believe him, but I don’t say anything.

  “Emma, you can always come back to Florida and stay with us or your parents during his tour of duty. Maybe we can even house hunt while he’s gone. The next two years will go by fairly quickly,” his dad says, still holding his wife’s hand.

  I look up at Cheryl and I can see hope in her eyes. I try to smile, but I am not sure I succeeded. I can’t make a decision of this magnitude right now. “No, don’t change your plans. Let me talk to the other Army wives and see what they are going to do.” I also think it all depends on how long his tour of duty will be. “Danny, thank you. That is definitely something for me to think about.”

  I get up from Max’s lap and walk over to get a sleeping James from Danny’s arms. I kiss him and hand him to Max. I want Max to spend as much time with his son as he can.

  The next day when Max gets off work he takes his parents to the Syracuse airport. I stay at home with James because it is an hour drive. I kiss and hug his parents goodbye and kiss Max. He lingers behind, and I know he doesn’t want to leave us.

  “Go, so you can hurry up and get back.”

  “Since you put it that way.”

  I walk them to the front door and keep the door closed until they are ready to go.

  “Emma, call us and let us know what’s going on,” his mother says while fastening her coat.

  “Ok, I will.”

  “Emma, we are only a phone call away. If you need anything, anything at all, call us,” Danny says as he hands Cheryl her gloves.

  “I know, and trust me, I’ll call you if I need anything, but I think we’ll be fine. Thank you and Max, you be careful and hurry home.”

  “I will, I love you.” He kisses me sweetly and I just want to stay in his arms. When he finally pulls away, I open the door for them and watch them leave. Max turns around and yells, “I’ll be right back.” I nod and wave before closing the door behind him.