Shattered Dreams

by Brenda Kennedy

  “Would you mind if I took it, too?”

  “You want to be a ninja, too?” he asks excitedly and I laugh.

  “No, no ninja. It will be good exercise for momma.”

  Braden says, “James, your mom will be a ninja, too.”

  I sign up for the class and change into clothing appropriate for the class. The uniform is included with the sign-up fee.

  Alec sees us and walks over with a smile. “I see you changed your mind.”

  “Yes, I did. My son wants me to be a ninja, too.”

  “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles kind?”

  “Yes, those are the ones.” I smile.

  I am relieved that they have a separate adult beginners class.

  After the class I am surprised at how much I liked it although I know that I will be sore tomorrow. I finish before the boys and wait in the spectators’ room. I try to watch both classes at the same time. James is very serious and Alec spends a great deal of time with him. Raelynn comes up to me and also watches. When they are done, Alec and James both bow and James runs off the mat to where we are standing.

  “Wow, James, you are getting good at those kicks,” Raelynn says, excitedly.

  “Thank you and I can kick high, too.”

  Braden and Briley join us next.

  “How was it today, boys?”

  “Good,” Braden answers.

  “Their instructor said they’ll advance next week,” Raelynn adds.

  Alec walks up and smiles. “How was it, Emma?”

  “Better than I expected and I have no idea how I’ll walk tomorrow,” I say, rubbing my hands up and down my thighs. “Those kicks are no joke.”

  “No pain, no gain,” Alec smiles. “How was it for you two, Braden and Briley?”

  “Good, it didn’t hurt us.”

  Alec looks at Raelynn, “Congratulations, Rae, I watched you advance today. Very impressive.”

  “Thank you, daddy.”

  I bend down and touch her purple belt and look at the black stripe that has been added to her belt. “Congratulations, Raelynn.”

  “Thank you, Miss Emma.”

  “Get your things from the back, Rae.”

  “Ok, daddy.”

  “James, you did very well today.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  Raelynn skips back towards us carrying her book bag

  “Ready to go, Raelynn?”

  “All ready, daddy.”

  Alec holds the door open and we all walk out together. He is parked beside us in the parking lot, He waits until I buckle all the kids in before he gets into his truck. “Good night, Emma.”

  “Good night, Alec.”

  On Saturday, Brooke’s boys spend the night and we decorate the house and yard for Halloween. We bake mini apple pies and play board games and have hot apple cider. The boys fall to sleep in the living room on the floor while watching cartoons. After I tidy the house, I go to bed and read Storms of Winter by D.B. Jones.

  “Em, Emma, wake up?”

  I blink a few times and smile. Max is lying beside me on the bed. He smiles; his clear blue eyes are beautiful. “You’re here?”

  “I am, I have missed you,” he says, leaning over to kiss the tip of my nose. He gently caresses my earlobe like he always does. “I love you so much.”

  I lean into his hand. “I love you and I have missed you.”

  “I am so proud of you. You are a fighter, just like I knew you were.”

  “It’s hard, I want you here with me, to help me. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

  “Oh, Em, you are doing great. Happy anniversary,” he says as he gently kisses me.

  I smile, “Happy anniversary to you, too.”

  “Please, tell James how much I love him.”

  “I love you,” I say, trying to put his sweet face to memory.

  “I love you, always and forever?” he smiles.

  “Forever and always,” I correct.

  I wake up from my dream and I touch my face as I remember his touch. A tear slides down my cheek and I close my eyes. I miss him, terribly. I pull the covers up to my chin and fall back to sleep.

  When I wake up again, it is to the sound of James’ train in his room. The sound of giggles echoes through the otherwise quiet house. I throw on a robe and I watch the boys from the bedroom door before making some coffee and breakfast. I look out the window and watch Brooke walk across the yard in her robe and a coffee mug in hand. Just like old times, I think to myself.

  I open the door with a smile plastered to my face.

  “Why are you so happy?” she grumbles.

  “Because this is just like old times. You do know that I have coffee here, so you don’t have to bring your own coffee cup?”

  “I know, but I need coffee first thing in the morning and I don’t remember having to walk through wet grass before,” she says, smiling.

  “The walk is a little different, but the outcome is just as wonderful.”

  “You’re right, this does feel like old times. What are your plans today?”

  “James and I are having dinner with his grandparents. We are eating out. It’s mine and Max’s anniversary today. You guys should come.”

  Brooke pulls out a card from her robe pocket and hands it to me. “Happy 6th anniversary.”

  “Thank you, you remembered!”

  “Of course, I did. October 11th. I’ll also remember all the times you would repeat that date to Max, hoping he’d remember it.”

  “Max loved me, but he was terrible at remembering dates.”

  “Where’s dinner?”

  “It’s James’ year to pick, so it’ll probably be at Chuck E. Cheese or at Jump and Fun. You guys definitely should come. It’ll be more like a birthday party celebration when James gets done with it. There’ll be a cake and some balloons.”

  “Since you put it that way, we wouldn’t want to miss out on all the fun.”

  The next week at work, Brea pops in and out throughout the week. She is stressing about her wedding and trying to get the baby weight off. Angel fills in when Brea is absent. Work surprisingly is a very relaxed atmosphere. We work hard and talk freely in our downtime. I finally tell them that I am a widow. They knew I was a single mom, and I never mentioned that it wasn’t by choice. People look so sad when they find out my husband is dead, and they rarely know what to say. It makes them very uncomfortable. I don’t want that. There isn’t anything anyone can do or say. ‘I’m sorry’ is usually the best thing to say in the event of a death.

  On Wednesday a food delivery arrives from Fast and Fresh Deli that Angel’s boyfriend, Mason, sent for all of us. I am shocked; Sara tells me not to be: This happens a few times a month. She adds that they have great boyfriends who obviously are trying to fatten them up.

  Sara says, “I think it’s obvious that our boyfriends like big butts.”

  On Saturday, Brooke walks over alone with her robe on and coffee mug in hand. I see her and smile. I open the door and wait for her to reach the porch. “Alone this morning, I see.”

  “It’s Brice’s turn to make breakfast. Being a housewife is exhausting.”

  I close the door behind her and we both laugh. “I’m sure it is. What are your plans today?”

  “We are taking the boys to Hunsader Pumpkin Patch today. We want to see if James wants to go. It won’t be until later because of the heat. Who knew Florida was so hot?”

  James jumps up and down and says, “Pumpkin, pumpkin.”

  “Well, I guess that’s a yes.”

  “The boys are over at the house, James, if you want to go over.”

  “Yay. May I, momma?”

  “Yes, you may. Be nice while you are over there.”

  “Yes, momma.”

  I watch as James runs across our adjoining yards and walks into Brooke and Brice’s house.

  “What are your plans today?”

  “I have a wedding to go to tonight. One of the girls who own the insurance company I work at is gettin
g married.”

  “Want me to keep James?”

  “Mom said she would, but he might like to stay with the boys.”

  “James can hang out with us after we return from the pumpkin patch. Maybe we’ll even watch the stars tonight.”

  I return from Brea and Vincent’s wedding to find the boys, Brooke and Brice, lying in the front yard on a blanket star gazing. I get out of the car, carrying the bride’s bouquet of flowers that I caught.

  “I guess I don’t have to ask who is getting married next.” Brooke laughs.

  “Ha ha, very funny.” I remove my heels and join them on the blanket. “Did you find anything interesting in the sky tonight?”

  “Yep, it’s a full moon,” James says, pointing at the moon.

  “And there’s a puppy dog right over there,” Braden says, pointing to the right of the sky.

  “Ah, I see it. Very good.”

  “Did you find the brightest star?” I ask. “Actually, it’s not a star — it's the planet Venus.”

  “It’s over there.” James points.

  “How was the wedding?” Brice asks and tilts his head back to see me.

  “It was wonderful. They had it at the Sarasota Botanical Gardens. It was so beautiful.”

  We lie there and watch the stars in the sky. I find the Big and Little Dipper and James says he sees a cat. We all stand and I pick up the blanket and shake it. “Thank you for watching him. I appreciate it.”

  “No problem, we were glad to help. Goodnight, Boo, I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Forever and always.”

  James and I get up and meet both sets of grandparents for breakfast. Since I moved out of my parents’ home, they claim they don’t see him enough. I am very fortunate that my parents and Max’s parents get along.

  I tell them, “James and I are going to Lowes and buy some fruit trees to plant in the yard when we are done.”

  “Oh, that’ll be good for him. What kind are you planning on getting?”

  “Oranges for sure and maybe a lemon and a grapefruit tree, too. I want fruit that we can use.”

  “That’s a wonderful idea. Call me and I’ll be over to plant them for you,” my dad says.

  “Call me, too, I’ve been wanting to cut those tree limbs back some. They are hanging too low in your driveway,” Danny says, reaching for his cell phone.

  “I noticed that, too,” dad says.

  “Are you guys spying on me?” I ask.

  “Spying? No, I wouldn’t call it spying. Would you call it spying, Gene?”

  “No, Danny, I wouldn’t call it spying either. More like looking after your and James’ wellbeing.” My dad smiles.

  “Yes, that’s it.” Danny laughs.

  “Thank you both, but James and I are fine. We are both taking taekwondo together.”

  “You are? Since when?”

  “Since last week.”

  “We’re ninjas, grandma,” James says, seriously.

  “I can see that.” Mom smiles.

  “Brooke’s two boys take it and James seems to like it. It’s good exercise, so I thought I would try it.”

  “Good for you, my daughter and grandson, the ninjas,” Mom jokes and James smiles.

  “We need to go and pick out some fruit trees.”

  We all stand from the table and walk out of Peaches Restaurant together. We all kiss and hug and once James is fastened into his booster seat we head to Lowes.

  After carefully selecting the perfect trees, we head home. Dad and Danny are in the yard, cutting the grass and trimming trees and bushes. I pull into the driveway and the tree limbs that usually scrape the top of my car are gone.

  When dad and Danny see me, they shut off the lawn mower and power hedgers. James and I get the tall fruit trees out of the trunk of the car, and Dad greets us first by taking the tree from me.

  “Here, let me get that.”

  Danny comes up and removes the other two trees from the trunk. James takes my hand and I close the trunk of the car.

  “We can get that,” I state.

  “I know you can; get the shovel and we’ll meet you in the backyard,” Danny says, following my dad to the backyard.

  “Um, I don’t have a shovel,” I say.

  “We know, come on,” dad says and they both laugh. “You can watch.”

  James and I follow them to the backyard and then we decide on the perfect location for the fruit trees. Danny digs a hole and explains to James that it needs to be deep enough and wide enough for the tree to grow. Dad explains about the tree roots needing room to grow.

  After the trees are all planted and they finish cutting the grass, we have iced tea on the lanai. James and I bought trees that were already bearing fruit so we wouldn’t have to wait years to harvest it. James shows his grandfathers what he is learning in taekwondo — especially the correct way to kick.

  Alec

  I watch Emma get into her car and pull off before Raelynn and I leave.

  I tell Raelynn, “My little girl advanced today, congratulations.”

  “Thank you, daddy,” she says, scooting her little body back into the seat.

  I reach over and make sure her seatbelt is secure before fastening mine. “How about we go out for dinner and dessert to celebrate.”

  “Yay, can we have ice cream?”

  “Since it’s a special occasion, we can have whatever you want, Raelynn.”

  After dinner, dessert, and bath, I kneel with Raelynn beside her bed for her nightly prayers. She always ends her prayers with ‘God Bless Mommy and Daddy.’ I swear every time I hear those words I get choked up. I tuck her in bed and hug her as tightly as I can without hurting her. Raelynn is my pride and joy. “Sweet dreams,” I say, standing up from her bed.

  “Sweet dreams, daddy,” she says rolling over and pulling the covers up to her chin.

  I turn off her bedroom light and leave her door slightly ajar. I shower and then have a beer before heading to bed. Thinking back on the day, Emma comes to mind. I asked Karen, who works the front desk, what James’ last name was. Now I have my laptop opened as I sit on the lanai. Is it spying if I look up her husband? I already know he was killed in action. I drum my fingers across the table before typing “Max Greyson US Army” in the search engine. Several newspaper articles come up in the results. I scroll through until I decide to click on one. I read one before I click on another article, then another. I see some photos of Sergeant Maxwell Greyson, and some photos of his memorial service. I see a picture of Emma dressed in all black holding an infant child. James.

  I shut down the computer and decide I need another beer. James was a baby when his father died. He has no memory of his father — Emma was widowed very young. It must have been devastating for her. I lock up and kiss Raelynn before heading to bed. I pick up the picture of Molly and me and stare at her beautiful face. Happier times. What I wouldn’t do to be at that place again in my life.

  It’s Thanksgiving before I know it. Since it’s just Raelynn and me, I dread the holidays. Molly’s mom and dad and I are still on good terms. I make sure they see Raelynn and get her on holidays. She’ll go to Molly’s mom and dad’s first for Thanksgiving, then we’ll go over to my parents for Thanksgiving dinner, later.

  I go to work and work a few hours while Raelynn visits her grandparents. It’s a holiday and thankfully it’s slow. Dr. Saturday wanted to have dinner with his son, since he was home from college, so I offered to fill in for him. Sadly, I didn’t have anything better to do. I shower at work after my shift, then head over to pick up Raelynn.

  We arrive at my parents’ house, which is full of people.

  “Daddy, I’m going to go play with the kids,” Raelynn announces excitedly.

  “Rae, say hi to everyone first. Ok?”

  “Ok, daddy.”

  I have two brothers and a sister and they all have kids, or are expecting one. I walk further into the house and the guys are all sitting on the overstuffed furniture watching football. My brother
, Dakota, is holding his son Noah. Once I greet my brothers, Blake and Dakota, and my brother-in-law, Ian, I walk into the kitchen where I know dad and the girls will be. My dad is always where the food is. After dinner you can find my dad watching the game. When it’s time for cleanup, he’ll disappear. It’s a tradition he is firm in keeping.

  I walk into the kitchen and my mouth waters from the delicious food. “Well, there he is,” my mother announces, as she walks over to hug me. “We were beginning to worry about you.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not that late, am I?”

  “No, Alec, you’re not. Mom was missing you, that’s all,” my dad says as he takes a bite of the homemade stuffing in a serving dish on the counter.

  I walk over and hug my dad before hugging my two sisters-in-law, Jill and Victoria, and my very pregnant sister, Cameron. I pat her belly and ask, “How are you feeling?”

  “Huge as a planet, and miserable.”

  “Sounds like you’re right on track.” I smile.

  “Ha ha, you should have warned me. I blame you.”

  “For what?” I laugh. “That is not my fault.” I say, pointing at her large protruding belly.

  “Not that, these,” she says, as she raises her maxi dress for me to see her ankles. “I have cankles and it’s all your fault. You and you,” she says pointing to me and dad, “you should have told me to expect these.” She looks from dad to me, then back to my dad.

  “Cameron, I told you to stay away from salt.” My dad smiles and looks away before Cameron can see it.

  “Yes, dad, you did. However you didn’t say it would cause me to have ankles that you can’t see.”

  “What are you talking about? What’s a cankle?” I ask.

  “I just told you, it’s a ‘can’t-see ankle,’ because your calf and ankle run together to make a cankle.” She lowers her dress to cover up her feet. “That’s why pregnant and obese women wear boots.”

  “Cameron, if it makes you feel any better, they go away after birth,” Victoria says sweetly.

  “Really?”

  “Girl Scouts honor,” Jill adds. “After the twins were born, mine went away. It doesn’t take long for them to return back to normal.”

  “That’s reassuring,” Cameron says, walking away from the kitchen island. “My father the surgeon and my brother the doctor should have prepared me for this.”