Shattered Dreams

by Brenda Kennedy

  “No, thank God, I don’t. But, I do have A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, we can watch.”

  “Now that’s a classic. We’ll watch that later.”

  Emma stands up quickly, “I almost forgot,” she says, before leaving the room. I wait on the couch for her and she returns with a glass of milk, a plate of Christmas cookies, and a bowl of sugar. “I have to feed Santa and the reindeer.” She arranges everything neatly on the dining room table.

  I smile and raise the blanket up for her to sit down. Once she is seated, I cover her up and hand her a bowl of popcorn. “Thank you.”

  We both watch the movie and although she claims she doesn’t like this movie, I think she does. She laughs and smiles and covers her face with the blanket in certain parts. I smile: She is such a girl. Towards the end of the movie, I look over at her and she is sound asleep. I check the time and it is almost 2:30 a.m.

  I stand up quietly, cover Emma up with her blanket, and turn off the TV. I grab my tie and jacket and get ready to leave. Looking over at the table with the milk, cookies, and sugar, I walk over to it. I partially eat a cookie, drink some of the already warm milk and throw away most of the sugar in the bowl. I also scatter some cookie crumbs on the table to make it look like Santa was messy or in a hurry.

  I look for a notebook and pen and I am happy when I see them lying on the kitchen counter. I write a note to Emma and leave it on the coffee table for her.

  I check on James and cover him up before I leave. I look back at Emma and she has pulled the blankets up to her chin. I smile and lock and shut the door behind me. On the drive home, my mind drifts back to the last six hours that I was with Emma and James. I like her and although it was done on a bet, I am excited that I have a date with her to go to Angel and Mason’s wedding.

  I go home and shower before bed. I need to pick up Raelynn in the morning and then we are having dinner at my parents. Although Molly is not in the picture, I try to do my part to include Molly’s parents in Raelynn’s life.

  Emma

  “Em, Emma, wake up.”

  I blink a few times and smile. Max is lying beside me on the couch. He smiles; his clear blue eyes are beautiful. “You’re here?”

  “I am, I have missed you,” he says, leaning over to kiss the tip of my nose. He gently caresses my earlobe like he always does. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you, and I have missed you.”

  “Merry Christmas, Em.”

  “Merry Christmas, Max. Where have you been? You used to visit me in my dreams, but now, I hardly ever see you.”

  “You are doing so well, I don’t need to be here with you that often.”

  “But I want you here,” I say, sadly.

  “I would rather be no place else than right here with you and James.”

  I nod. I lean over and touch Max’s scruffy face.

  “Em, please, tell James how much I love him. Tell him Merry Christmas for me.”

  “I will and I love you,” I say, trying to memorize every moment of this visit.

  “I love you, always and forever?” He smiles.

  “Forever and always,” I correct.

  Closing my eyes, I try to put his sweet face and voice to memory. A chill is in the air and I shiver. I look at the red embers in the fireplace and remember last night when Alec was here. I smile and shiver again. After I wrap the blanket around me, I walk over and put a small log in the fireplace. I hope the embers are hot enough that it’ll catch. Although we live in Florida, it still gets cool enough to use a fireplace or run the heater in the winter time.

  I start to fold the blankets on the couch when I see a note on the coffee table. I smile when I realize it’s from Alec.

  Emma,

  Merry Christmas,

  Thank you for a wonderful evening. I ate the cookies and drank the milk you left out for Santa. You had fallen asleep, and I thought it was supposed to look like Santa had eaten them. Well, that’s what it’s supposed to look like at my house. I’m sorry the movie bored you and you fell asleep watching it. I owe you a movie night to make up for last night, or early this morning. Any movie you want and anytime you want. It’s the least I can do.

  Alec

  P.S. Looking forward to our date next Saturday. The wedding starts at 6:30 p.m. so I’ll pick you and James up at 5:15. I think James needs to be there a little early since he is in the wedding.

  I reread the note and smile. I also look around the room. The TV is off, the door is locked and the glass of milk is almost empty. “Momma, momma, it’s Christmas,” James yells, running down the hallway. I stand up and greet him with my biggest smile.

  He smiles and runs into my arms. I hug him and kiss his soft hair. “Merry Christmas, James.”

  “Merry Christmas, momma. Can we open our gifts now?” he asks, excitedly.

  A knock sounds at the door — I already know who it is. “I think your grandparents want to be here to see you open them.”

  “Yay, they’re here, they’re here.” He jumps up and down before running towards the door. I follow behind him and sure enough, both sets of grandparents are standing on the porch and holding wrapped gifts.

  I open the door wide and they enter one at a time, kissing me on the cheek. James walks with them and leads them to the Christmas tree. When Danny enters last, I close the door behind him and lock it.

  I stand back and watch everyone place their gifts under the tree. I see the note from Alec on the table and walk over to get it. I would hate for someone to see it and misinterpret its meaning. Danny walks past me and smiles. “Where are you going?” I ask.

  “You know Cheryl. I need to get a casserole and homemade cinnamon rolls from the car.”

  I smile and look at Cheryl. “You made your famous cinnamon rolls for breakfast?”

  “Of course, I know how much my grandson and you love them.”

  My mouth waters and I need to lick my lips. “I’ll get some coffee on.”

  “Momma, can we open our presents?”

  “After we eat. Do you want to see if Santa ate his cookies and milk?”

  James smiles and jumps up from the floor where he was sitting between the tree and the fireplace. I smile when I see the log has finally caught on fire. I follow James into the dining room, where he climbs onto a chair so he can see the plate, bowl, and glass. “Look, momma, Santa was hungry.”

  I look at the cookie crumbs on the plate and on the table and smile. “He sure was, and he was a bit messy, too.”

  I pick up the dishes and carry them into the kitchen. Once the coffee is done and we are all sitting at the table eating, we talk about previous Christmases when Max was a child. James listens while we tell funny stories about his daddy when he was small.

  “One Christmas Max opened up all of his presents and played with the empty boxes instead of the toys all day long. He built the biggest fort you have ever seen.” Danny speaks fondly of his son. We laugh and cry. The memories are nice, but the pain that lives deep in your heart will never go away.

  “One time he tried to ride his pet dog, Dexter. He had his conductor’s hat on with his bib overalls saying ‘choo… choo,’ like he was a train,” Cheryl adds. Dexter was a black lab and he loved Max.

  Cheryl tells James that one year his dad said he wanted to be a Smurf when he grew up. We all laugh and James asks what a Smurf is.

  After we eat, we leave the dishes on the table. My dad sets up a video recorder on the tripod in the corner of the room and Cheryl is elected to play Santa Claus. Every year someone is chosen to be Santa and their job is to wear a red Santa hat, sit nearest to the tree, and pass out the gifts.

  James giggles when his grandmother wears the Santa hat. We all sit on the floor in a circle and wait as Cheryl calls out the name on the gifts, then we pass the gifts to that person. James has a very large stack and is already opening his gifts. We wait and watch him open his gifts before we open ours.

  He is excited about everything he got, even the clothing. I am
grateful to see all the nice clothes his grandparents got for him. James has so many toys, so the clothes are a nice surprise.

  “We noticed he is having a growth spurt, so we decided clothing would be better than toys this year,” my mom whispers.

  I nod. “He is getting so tall, he can definitely use the clothes.”

  After all the gifts are opened and the dishes are done, everyone leaves. We are having an early Christmas dinner at Mom and Dad’s. Cheryl and Danny will also be there. Brooke, Brice, and the boys went home to Oklahoma for the holidays. I miss them, but I know they are having a great time, although Brooke calls me every day complaining about the cold and snow. That girl is never happy. When she is here, she complains about the heat.

  James takes a bath and once he is dressed in his new clothes, I take a bubble bath. I leave the door open so I can hear him playing in the other room.

  After dinner and we visit with everyone, James asks if we can go home and play with his new toys. We say our goodbyes with hugs and kisses. On the drive home, I tell James that his daddy loves him and misses him.

  “I know he does,” James says.

  “You do?”

  “Yep, I had a dream about him last night. In my dream he was playing with my ear and it tickled.”

  I get goose bumps. “He did? Did he say anything?”

  “Yep, he said he loves me and you, ever and ever.”

  “Did he say, always and forever?”

  “Yep, that’s what I said, ever and ever.”

  I smile and look away. My nose tingles and my eyes fill up with tears. Max visits me in my dreams, but I didn’t know he also visited James. Why am I surprised? A tear falls onto my cheek. Max loved James before we even had him. Of course, he would visit him and make sure he is all right.

  We go home and James and I change into sweatpants and tee shirts. We play with his remote control cars and his trains, and we watch a movie he got in his stocking, The Lego Movie. I remember Alec saying Raelynn was with her grandparents. I look at my phone and then the movie. Should I call him? I pick up my phone and scroll through my text messages until I find the ones from him. I look under the tree at the single wrapped gift sitting under it. James wanted to get Raelynn a gift for Christmas.

  I’ll text him and see what he’s doing.

  Emma: How is your and Rae’s Christmas?

  He is probably busy. I shouldn’t have sent it. I am shocked when my phone chirps with an incoming text.

  Alec: It was good, and how was yours and James’?

  Emma: Good, just sitting here watching The Lego Movie.

  Alec: Sounds like fun. We are watching The Polar Express for the 50th time.

  That makes me smile. A grown macho man is watching The Polar Express. That’s kind of hot, too.

  Emma: Sounds like fun, too.

  Alec: Now I know how you felt watching Die Hard with me last night. Please forgive me.

  I laugh out loud at his comment.

  Emma: That was pretty tough to take. Oh. You left your movie here and thank you for eating the cookies and drinking the milk last night.

  Alec: Anytime, I love cookies and milk. That reminds me, I’m starving. Is there a pizza place open tonight?

  Emma: I have no idea. I’m hungry, too. We ate Christmas dinner early today. If you find one open, let me know.

  Alec: Hold on and I’ll check.

  I smile at the thought of having pizza on Christmas day. I think this will be a first for me. Or am I smiling because of Alec?

  Alec: Hey, we’re in luck. I found a place. No delivery, just carry-out only.

  Emma: Great, do you and Raelynn want to come over here and eat? Maybe the kids could play together.

  Alec: I asked Rae and she is already putting her shoes on. So, that is a yes. What do you like on your pizza?

  “James, do you want pizza for dinner?’

  “Yes, momma. Pepperoni, please.”

  Emma: James and I like pepperoni.

  Alec: Ordering it now, so I’ll be there in 30 minutes or so.

  Emma: Great, see you soon.

  Alec and Raelynn come over carrying a very large pizza. James runs to the door when he sees them pull up. I smile and wait on the porch for them. Raelynn skips up on the porch first and she and James dart past me and go into his room. I hear the train on his wall start up and the whistle blow.

  Smiling, Alec walks up on the porch. “Merry Christmas,” he says.

  “Merry Christmas to you.”

  “Honey, I’m home and I have dinner,” he says, holding up the very large pizza.

  “Not just dinner, but Christmas dinner,” I add.

  We both laugh as we walk into the house together.

  We eat the pizza on paper Christmas plates sitting around the dinner table. “You sure do know how to set a beautiful table,” Alec says, holding up his paper Santa cup.

  “Thank you, I do like to save my fine china for special occasions.” I laugh.

  “I think this is a first for us,” I say, looking at James, Raelynn, and then Alec. “Having pizza for Christmas.”

  Alec looks at me and then to Raelynn, “I think this is a first for Raelynn and me, too.”

  After dinner, Alec starts a fire in the fireplace and we all play Operation and Chutes and Ladders while Christmas shows play on the television.

  We unwind by having pumpkin pie and whip cream while watching Miracle on 34th Street. The kids fall asleep before the movie ends. Alec and I talk and laugh well past midnight. I learn he is one of four children and I also learn that he has a four-year-old twin niece and nephew, and another small nephew, and that his sister is pregnant with her and her husband’s first child. I also learn that his father is a surgeon and his mother is a college professor in English.

  He is surprised to learn that I am an only child and that James is the only grandchild on both sides of his family. I tell him Max’s parents live on the island and that they are very involved in James’ life. I want him to understand they are a part of my life and that will never change.

  Alec

  I tuck Raelynn into bed and kiss her goodnight. I also text Emma once I get the house picked up.

  Alec: I just want to thank you for a great evening.

  Emma: You’re welcome, I can’t remember ever having a Christmas like this one.

  Alec: Pizza for Christmas dinner is definitely a first for us.

  Emma: And for us.

  Alec: Good night, Emma.

  Emma: Good night, Alec.

  Alec: Are we still on for breakfast?

  Emma: I am looking forward to it.

  Alec: Good, me, too, We’ll be there at 9.

  I think back on the last few days and I am ready to move forward with my life. I thank Emma for that. Spending time with her has opened my eyes to see what life for Raelynn and me could be like. It doesn’t have to be filled with sadness and loneliness.

  The next morning I pick up Emma and James for breakfast and then we were going to do some after-Christmas shopping. This will be a first for Emma and myself to shop after Christmas for next Christmas. During breakfast at The Broken Egg Restaurant, I get a call from mom and dad saying my sister, Cameron, is at the hospital in active labor.

  “Is everything all right?” Emma says.

  “It’s fine, my sister is at the hospital in labor.”

  “Oh, wow, that’s exciting,” Emma says.

  “Aunt Cameron is going to have her baby?” Rae asks.

  “Yep, Rae, you’re going to have a baby cousin soon.”

  “Yay,” Rae says excitedly.

  “Do you want me to watch Rae while you meet your family at the hospital?” Emma asks.

  “Emma, I was thinking maybe you could come to the hospital with us,” I say, picking up the bill to pay it.

  “Your family will be there, right?”

  “Yes, I’m sure they will all be there.”

  “Alec, do you think that’s a good idea? Maybe it’s too soon for me to meet your family.”<
br />
  We all stand up from the table. “I think it will be a good time for you to meet them. They’ll all be together at the same place. If you meet one, you might as well meet them all.”

  Once we arrive at the hospital, I realize we are the last to arrive. Mom and dad are pacing the floor and everyone else is sitting on the couches and chairs. They all look at the door when we enter. I didn’t tell them I was bringing Emma or her son. Rae hugs mom and dad before she walks around the room, kissing and hugging her aunts and uncles.

  I walk up to my mom and dad and introduce them to Emma and James. They greet her warmly just as I knew they would. “We were having breakfast when you called, so we came right over,” I explain. “Is there any news about Cameron?”

  “No, Ian is with her now.”

  I hug both my parents and look around the room. Raelynn and James are the only children here. “Where are the twins and Noah?”

  “Jill and Victoria’s parents came to their house to watch the kids,” my mom says as she continues to pace the room.

  Ian’s family isn’t here. They live out of state and plan to be here next week, after the holidays.

  “Mom, you do know everything will be all right?” I say, as I continue to watch her pace.

  “Alec, your mother won’t rest until the baby is here and both mom and baby are healthy,” Dad says.

  Raelynn comes up to James and asks, “Do you want to color with me?”

  James and Rae go to the empty table where she lays her coloring books and crayons out.

  I look over at Emma, “Ready to meet the rest of the family?”

  Emma takes my hand and I walk her around the room introducing her to my two brothers and their wives. They all give me a look but don’t say anything. My parents are the only ones who knew I was seeing someone. I smile when they make pleasantries and Emma points to James and tries to introduce him from afar. Everyone seems to get along and it doesn’t feel awkward at all.

  “Is the coffee fresh?” I ask

  “Mom just made it,” Blake says.

  Emma and I get a cup of coffee and join Raelynn at the table. I watch her fold a bright yellow piece of construction paper in half. She uses different color markers and colored pencils to draw with. I watch as she opens up the card and writes something on the inside. When she is done, she smiles and hands it to me. I look at the card and see that she wrote “Happy Birthday, Baby” on top and drew a picture of balloons and a cupcake under the words. I open up the card and read, “I love you so much, Raelynn.”