Big Girls Don't Cry

by Brenda Novak

  She’d already told him that, but she didn’t sound impatient.

  Isaac watched the lights from passing cars flicker behind the drapes, thinking that Keith’s calling habits seemed pretty damned convenient. “Where do you leave a message?”

  “On his voice mail.”

  “Could you give me that number?”

  “You want to talk to Keith?”

  It wasn’t going to help anything at this point to further rouse her suspicions, so he tried to defuse her surprise. “I have a friend who’s planning a visit to Phoenix. I thought maybe Keith could tell him a little about the area.”

  “He should be able to tell him plenty. He goes there often enough. You got a pen?”

  Isaac turned on the lamp, then squinted against the sudden brightness. “Go ahead,” he said when his vision cleared and he’d located the pad and pen provided by the motel.

  She rattled off the number, then yawned again. “I’m beat. I’ll let you go.”

  “Liz?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Do you ever think about Luanna?”

  His sister sounded more awake and slightly wary when she answered. “I try not to. Why?”

  “Just wondering.”

  A pause. “Has Dad tried to call you or something?” she asked.

  “Not recently. Have you heard from the asshole?”

  “Don’t call him that, Isaac. He wasn’t the best father, but…we’re not kids anymore.”

  “You’ve forgiven him?”

  “I don’t see the point in holding a grudge. I’m older now. I have Keith, the kids. All’s well that ends well, right?”

  Isaac wished she’d become a little jaded so he wouldn’t have to worry about her as much. All’s well that ends well…. It hadn’t ended yet.

  “I mailed Dad a picture of the kids for Christmas,” she was saying.

  “How’d he respond?”

  “He sent them each twenty bucks.”

  “Generous of him.”

  “It’s an acknowledgment,” she replied defensively.

  Isaac dropped the sarcasm. “I guess.” Another pause. “What about Luanna? She have anything to say?”

  “She wasn’t part of the exchange. Dad’s note was brief. A simple ‘Merry Christmas,’ and the money.”

  “Well, she’s got her own precious child to worry about, right?”

  Some rustling came through the line before she spoke again. “I bumped into Joe Stearns a few weeks ago.”

  “Marty’s best friend?”

  “Yeah. He said our stepbrother’s getting divorced.”

  “Couldn’t happen to a nicer person.”

  “We haven’t talked to Marty for eight years. Maybe he’s not so bad anymore.”

  Isaac doubted that. It’d take someone like Marty forever and a day to change enough to become tolerable, but he didn’t want to get into an argument with Liz. Better to change the subject. “Tell me something.”

  “What?”

  “What would you do if things suddenly…went wrong in your life?”

  “In what way?”

  “I don’t know. Say…you and Keith split up.”

  “Where is this coming from?”

  “Don’t you ever imagine worst-case scenarios? What you might do if you faced a sudden reversal?”

  “No, Isaac, I don’t. I’m trying to bury the old fear. To trust. To believe in good things. I’ve had enough nightmares.”

  Isaac covered his eyes with his free hand. “Right. Well, it’s late. I’d better let you go,” he said. Before I really upset you.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, obviously worried.

  “I’m fine. Everything’s fine,” he said. Then he hung up and dialed Keith’s cell phone. He couldn’t leave things exactly as they were. The devil in him wanted to see his brother-in-law sweat.

  As expected, his call went straight to voice mail. Not surprisingly, Keith didn’t pick up when he was with “the other woman.”

  “You’ve reached Keith O’Connell at Softscape, Inc. Please leave your name and number, and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”

  Bastard. “Hey, Keith. A friend of mine has business in Phoenix and has invited me to come along and do a little golfing. I told him you were there already and might be able to show us around,” he said, expanding the lie he’d given Liz. “We arrive—” he thought quickly for a date that would be soon yet plausible: it was already Thursday “—on Monday. Give me a call, okay?”

  He left his number and disconnected, wondering how long it’d take for Keith to respond—and what excuse his brother-in-law would offer.

  * * *

  “SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?” Reenie leaned up on her elbows and grinned at her husband, who’d awakened her by kissing her neck a few moments earlier. She loved it when his hair was ruffled from sleep and his whiskers created a dark shadow on his jaw. He looked younger then, less like the corporate type he’d become and more like the boy she’d fallen for at the Homecoming Dance.

  “Reenie, please,” he said, throwing an arm over his eyes. “I just got home. Don’t start in on me already.”

  Her hopes fell a little. “But the traveling is killing me.”

  He peeked at her. “You’re not traveling. I am. If I don’t mind, I don’t see why you should.”

  “Are you kidding?” she said. “I’m tired of having you gone. Of spending half the night waiting up for you. Of worrying about plane crashes and terrorist attacks.”

  “I have more of a chance of getting killed in a car accident than a plane wreck. And I telecommute when I’m home, so I rarely leave the house. You probably see more of me than most wives see of their husbands.”

  Frustration caused Reenie to clench her jaw. They’d had this argument so many times she was beginning to feel as though they were on some kind of merry-go-round. She missed him, he came home, they made love, they argued, he left. And then it started all over again.

  She needed to stop the cycle.

  “That’s not true,” she said. “You might stay home, but you’re still working when you’re here. I don’t get any more of your attention than if you worked outside the house those two weeks. And you’re missing a lot of important events with the kids when you’re gone.”

  He’d closed his eyes again, but she knew by the deep vee between his eyebrows that he was far from relaxed. “Like what?”

  “Like Jennifer’s school play last week.”

  “You videotaped it for me, didn’t you?”

  “Of course. But she played Tinkerbell, which was a big part. Going to those things without you just isn’t the same.”

  He opened his eyes, but his scowl didn’t ease. “I’m doing the best I can,” he said. “Anyway, I’m home for two whole weeks. Why not enjoy our morning together instead of trying to make my life miserable?” As he sat up, the blankets fell to his waist, revealing the flat stomach and muscular chest Reenie admired so much. After sleeping with him for eleven years, she knew every inch of his body. She knew his moods, too, and recognized the irritation in his expression.

  “When do you want to talk about it?” she challenged. “When you’re home you say, ‘Don’t ruin the time we have together.’ When you’re gone you’re too busy to call, or you say, ‘We’ll talk about it when I get home.’ What do I have to do? Make an appointment with you to air my grievances?”

  “You shouldn’t have any grievances,” he said. “You’ve got the house, the kids, your folks, the town you grew up in. What more can a woman ask for?”

  Despite her desperation to change the situation, Reenie couldn’t help wondering if she was being as selfish as he implied. The possibility that she had no right to ask him to quit Softscape, Inc., always undermined her resolve. But she’d put up with his job for eleven years. Wasn’t that enough?

  “I want to buy the Higley farm,” she said. “Myrtle has lowered the price by twenty thousand. At this point, it’s a steal. And I know we can make it work. I’m ready for a new challenge, for
something we can do together.”

  He chuckled softly, as if she was Isabella, asking for her own reindeer for Christmas. “It’s a broken-down old farm. And you don’t know the first thing about running it.”

  She tried not to let his patronizing tone get to her. “My parents gave me riding lessons when I was growing up. I know how to care for horses.”

  “That isn’t farming.”

  “Horses are part of the experience I’m looking for, and I could learn the rest. I realize it’d require a sacrifice on your part. But I’ve been sacrificing for your job since we got married. When is it my turn? Why is what you want always so much more important than what I want?”

  God, that did sound selfish, Reenie realized. Was it? Should she simply continue to kiss her husband goodbye every two weeks and quit dreaming of a time when she wouldn’t have to do so? Or did she have the right to call the shots once in a while?

  “I’m the one who’s supporting the family.” Shoving the blankets aside, he got up and strode naked into the bathroom. “I’m good at developing business software, and I know I can pay the mortgage with the job I have right now,” he called out through the open door. “I don’t think we’d even be able to make the electric bill if I decided to become a farmer. I don’t know the first thing about it.”

  “You wouldn’t be doing it alone. I’ll be there to help. We can make it work, Keith. I know we can.”

  The toilet flushed and the tap in the sink went on. “What’s up with you, Reenie?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Since when did you become so…clingy?”

  Reenie’s jaw dropped. She was clingy? Because she wanted him home at night like a regular husband? “You don’t want to be with me all the time?” she asked.

  When he came out of the bathroom, he was pinching his neck as if the tightness in his muscles was giving him a headache. “That’s not it. You’re…driving me insane with all of this—” he made an impatient motion with his hand “—badgering.”

  “If I’m making your life so miserable, maybe we need to split up and go our separate ways.”

  She’d never suggested such a drastic measure before. Even she was shocked to hear the words spoken aloud. And she could tell it had an effect on him, because the color drained from his face.

  Crossing to the bed, he gathered her in his arms. “Hey, don’t talk like that. We’re going to be together forever, remember?”

  They’d made that promise to each other, but…She leaned her forehead on his shoulder. “I want you home at night instead of flying all over the country.”

  The tension in his arms slackened, and he pulled away. “I’ll think about it,” he said, drawing on his boxers. But Reenie knew “I’ll think about it” was just another ploy to get her to back off. “I’ll think about it” was Keith’s Plan B. If “Why are you starting a fight when we could be having fun together?” didn’t work, he’d say something noncommittal yet pacifying.

  “That’s not good enough, Keith,” she said. “You’ve told me you’ll think about it before, but you never do. Left to you, the subject would never come up.”

  He shoved his legs into a pair of jeans. “How do you know that? You don’t ever give me a chance. You start hounding me the moment I walk through the door.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “God, Reenie! Can you just…quit?”

  She got up on her knees. “I have a right to express my wants and desires,” she said stubbornly.

  “So do I.”

  “You’ve had your way for eleven years!”

  “Give it a break,” he snapped.

  Would he ever face the issue squarely? “Quit trying to dodge this conversation and talk to me.”

  “We’re not talking, we’re shouting. And you won’t be satisfied until I tell you what you want to hear. But I can’t quit my job!”

  “Why not?”

  He turned away and started going through his drawers. “Because we need the money,” he grumbled.

  “There are other ways to make money.”

  “I love what I do.”

  Reenie’s heart felt as if it were turning to lead. “Do you love it more than you love me?” she asked softly, clutching the sheet to her chest.

  When he glanced back at her, something flickered in his eyes, something warm and solid, something she’d been depending on their entire marriage. “Of course not,” he said. “How can you even ask me that?”

  “I’m miserable, Keith. Why won’t you make a change?”

  He came to the bed and took her hands. “I will,” he said. “But give me another year. Okay, babe? One more year. Please?”

  Reenie stared at him. The warmth of his hands surrounded hers, but that warmth didn’t seem to course through her like it used to. Another year. She didn’t know if she could tolerate six more months. But a small knock sounded at their door and, as soon as Keith opened it, Isabella burst into the room. Watching her squeal as her daddy threw her into the air, Reenie knew she wasn’t really willing to break up their little family.

  * * *

  TWO HOURS LATER, Keith sat at the desk of his home office, staring blankly at his computer screen. He had so much to do, but he couldn’t concentrate. He’d just received word from Softscape that they were running into a glitch on the new inventory control program he’d created for large merchandisers and needed him to return to L.A. right away. After spending nearly twelve hours at the airport yesterday and barely getting to see Reenie and the girls, he hated the thought of going back so soon. But he knew better than to put the company off. When Softscape first moved their offices from Boise to L.A. nine years ago, everyone had been grateful that he was willing to commute. He’d been with them almost since the company first started. But management had changed since then, and his new boss wasn’t particularly pleased with the amount of time he spent out of state. Charlie was looking for any excuse to insist he move to L.A. and appear at the office five days a week like everyone else; Charlie acted like Softscape owned Keith.

  Because he was earning almost as much as Charlie, the company basically did own him, Keith thought with a frown. There was little chance he could support two families working anywhere else.

  We need you here by Monday. The words of the e-mail he’d just read seemed to grow and then shrink. It was Friday now. That gave him only two days in Dundee. What was he going to say to Reenie come Sunday?

  He could hear his wife talking to Old Bailey in the kitchen as she fed him the table scraps from breakfast. After getting the girls off to school, she’d made Keith some pancakes, eggs and sausage, and brought him coffee. But the food was growing cold at his elbow. He had to figure out a way to tell her he was leaving again, a way that wouldn’t upset her too much. This morning she’d actually mentioned splitting up.

  The panic he’d felt in that moment rose inside him again. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t lose her or his girls.

  “How’s it goin’ in here?”

  Swiveling in his seat, he found Reenie standing at the door wearing only the see-through lingerie he’d removed—far too quickly—last night. With her long, shiny dark hair, deep blue eyes and small, compact body, she was certainly striking. Every bit as pretty as Elizabeth. Only in a completely different way. Reenie was a nature lover—earthy, real, demonstrative. She felt every emotion to the extreme, argued passionately and made love the same way.

  Liz, on the other hand, behaved like the typical upper-class city girl she aspired to be—reserved, refined, elegant. She was a generous lover, but there was some small part of her she held in reserve. Sometimes he found himself saying things to her, hurtful things, just to see if he could pierce that protective shroud, get as close to her as he felt to Reenie. But Liz avoided emotional extremes as much as Reenie embraced them.

  Eventually, he had to figure out a way to let Liz down easy, to tell her that he’d made a dreadful mistake, that he already had a family in Dundee. He knew he couldn’t live
the way he’d been living forever. But he couldn’t even begin to imagine how Liz—or Reenie, for that matter—would react.

  Feeling the onset of the panic that overwhelmed him so of-ten of late, he took a deep breath. He’d fix everything next year, he decided. Or the year after that. It would be a lot easier when Christopher and Mica were older.

  “Wanna take a shower with me?” Reenie asked, her voice sultry, her grin suggestive.

  Keith let his eyes lower over her soft round breasts, her small waist, the flare of her hips—and felt his body react. He really should’ve taken more time to admire her in that sexy lingerie last night. But he was always too eager when he first came home. He had to feel her beneath him right away. Her warm response reassured him that she still believed in him, that she was still in love with him. Once he knew that, he could relax and slow down when they made love again.

  She came toward him, and he quickly stood to block her view of the computer. He’d tell her about his summons to L.A. later. After they made love. Or tomorrow. He didn’t see any reason to ruin the little time they had left. What she’d said this morning had really frightened him.

  Bending his head, he kissed her exactly the way she liked. He needed to give her something she couldn’t get anywhere else. “You wouldn’t really leave me, would you?” he asked when they finally made their way into the bedroom. “You’ve never even slept with anyone else.”

  “I know.”

  “Tell me you love me,” he said.

  “I do.”

  “We’re a family, right?”

  She threw her head back as he kissed her breasts, touched her elsewhere. “Right.”

  “And families stick together,” he murmured against the skin of her throat.

  “For better or for worse,” she repeated as she wrapped her arms around him. But when he pulled back to look in her face, he saw the sad little smile those words engendered, and the fear returned.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Chicago, Illinois

  KEITH’S CALL CAME on Saturday, catching Isaac in his car on the way to the university.

  “Hey, why are you coming to Phoenix?” his brother-in-law asked, as engaging as ever. “I thought you had work to do at home.”