Big Girls Don't Cry

by Brenda Novak

  “Not as much as you love yourself, right?”

  He looked so stricken when she said that, Reenie wished she’d bitten her tongue. Maybe it was the truth, but she wasn’t out to hurt anyone. Keith had done enough to himself. She only wanted him to leave her alone so she could get on with her life.

  “Not as much as I love you,” he whispered.

  “You’ll get over me,” she said.

  “I don’t want to get over you.”

  Reenie heard Isaac’s footsteps, then felt his reassuring presence as he came up behind her. “Go home, Keith,” he said.

  Keith’s eyes darted between them. “How dare you think you can interfere. This is none of your business. You have no right to—”

  “What?” Isaac challenged.

  “Don’t touch her,” he said. “Don’t you dare touch her!”

  “We’re adults, Keith. We’ll make love until dawn if we want to,” Reenie said, and shut the door. She could feel Isaac’s eyes on her, but she didn’t try to read his expression. Instead, she patted Bailey, then parted the drapes to see what Keith would do next.

  Her ex-husband paced across the front lawn for a few minutes. Finally, after shouting a curse at them and giving a finger to the house, he got into his Jeep and tore off.

  “I bet he’ll be back later,” Isaac said, still standing behind her.

  Reenie straightened and turned. “I know.”

  “He doesn’t have a key to the house, does he?”

  “No.”

  “Good.”

  She offered Isaac a feeble smile. “He makes it pretty hard to pretend I’m someone else, huh?”

  “That’s a good thing,” he replied. “Because your eyes make it too damn easy.”

  Reenie’s heart began to pound against her chest as her gaze locked with his, and she realized that some of the anger she’d felt toward Isaac in the past stemmed from the fact that she found him far too attractive. No woman felt good about desiring her enemy.

  But was Isaac really the enemy?

  “This is going to be complicated,” she whispered.

  “Not if we don’t let it get that way,” he insisted.

  “Right.” Taking a deep breath, she nodded.

  “Are you ready for me to go?” he asked.

  “No.” She studied him for another moment, taking in his curly dark hair, his golden irises, the clean angles of his face. Then she held out her hand. Would he take it? He was attracted to her, too; she felt it.

  He hesitated for only a moment before cursing softly and curling his strong, tanned fingers through hers. “This isn’t going to help, Reenie,” he said.

  “I don’t care,” she responded, and smiled as his warmth seemed to glide right through her. “Just tell me about Africa.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  KEITH’S ANGER MADE IT almost impossible for him to stand in one spot as he waited for Liz to open the door. He kept picturing Isaac and Reenie at the farm alone, imagining what they might be doing right now. And it made him want to hit someone.

  When Liz finally appeared, he shoved his way into the house and tried to kiss her. He knew he was being too aggressive, but he couldn’t contain his frustration any longer. He was so sick of having no control over his life, no ability to bring what he wanted most back to him. If he couldn’t have Reenie, he’d take Liz. He couldn’t lose both families. Not for good! He’d paid his price!

  But Liz turned her face away so that he couldn’t reach her lips and pushed on his chest until he finally let her go. “What’s wrong with you?” she breathed, her eyes snapping. She didn’t raise her voice—but he knew that was only because she didn’t want to wake the children.

  “I’ve been humbled, okay? I—I regret what I did with every breath I take. It’s time to forgive me.”

  She shook her head as though he’d just said something absolutely insane. But it didn’t sound insane to him. He couldn’t understand how Liz and Reenie, who’d both loved him so much, could turn their backs on him now. He spent half his time rambling around the empty house he’d shared with Reenie and his girls, marveling that he could suffer such a quick and immediate reversal.

  “I’m afraid you don’t get to decide what I do or do not feel,” she said.

  “But I’m available now, Liz. There’s nothing standing between us. I have no one else to worry about, no secrets. You could have my complete attention.”

  “It’s too late,” she said.

  “Why?”

  She lifted her hands in a helpless gesture. “It just is.”

  “I’ll be good to you. I’ll—I’ll make it so that you never have to think of Reenie again.”

  “That’s impossible, and you know it. What you did has very far-reaching consequences, Keith. I can’t change that.”

  He grabbed her hand. “You could forgive me.”

  She pulled away. “Even if I could, you really want Reenie, not me. You’ve made that very clear.”

  “That’s not true.” He feared she’d easily recognize that statement for the lie that it was, but he was desperate enough to use almost anything to convince her. At least he could live a semblance of the life he once knew if she’d come back to him. At least he could walk away from Reenie with a little of his dignity left. “I love you, Liz. Look at everything I gave you. I never bought Reenie a diamond tennis bracelet. I gave you a better house, paid for a part-time nanny—”

  “I was working, too, Keith. Except for the bracelet, we bought those things.”

  “I gave you more of my paycheck than I did her!”

  “The question is why?”

  “To make you happy.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “To make you happy. You were trying to maintain a certain lifestyle, Keith. You were living your fantasy life, weren’t you? A nice house, a pretty wife, a nanny for the two kids, a membership at the club. You were taking advantage of the chance to be something completely different than you are when you’re here in Dundee. I think you got a kick out of putting on a show for our friends.”

  “That’s not fair. I bought those things, did those things for you.”

  “If you were thinking of me, what happened would never have occurred,” she said softly. “Now, I’m going to ask you to leave.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t want you here. You can call when the kids are awake, but don’t come over here again without permission.”

  “I can stay as long as I please,” he said.

  “No, you can’t. Isaac’s asleep down the hall. I’ll call him if you won’t go.”

  “That’s bullshit,” he scoffed. “Your big bad brother isn’t even home.”

  She lifted her chin but didn’t respond.

  “Don’t you want to know where he is?” he taunted.

  “Not necessarily.”

  “He’s with Reenie,” he said. “Isn’t that a bitch? He’s probably screwing her brains out right now.”

  “Get out.” Her hands curled into fists, and the loathing that filled her face finally registered.

  “Forget I even came here,” he said. “When Isaac leaves, Reenie’s bound to realize what she’s throwing away. Then she’ll come back to me. You’ll see. And you’ll be sorry you didn’t act when you had the chance!”

  With that he marched out and slammed the door. Part of him hoped she’d follow him, beg him to come back in so they could work things out. She used to do that kind of thing when they had a disagreement. But she didn’t. Instead, he heard her lock the door behind him.

  * * *

  ISAAC LAY on the floor with a pillow, staring up at the ceiling while trying to keep from touching Reenie, who had her head on his chest and was lying perpendicular to him. The fire flickered in front of them, crackling, popping, and smelling like smoke and sap.

  “So they still speak French in Africa?”

  They’d drawn the drapes in case Keith returned. The house felt warm, close and private, and although they were both relaxed, there was a subtle ye
t undeniable tension in the air—tension that came from restraint.

  “Early colonization made a lasting impact on the whole continent,” he explained, allowing himself the small concession of playing with her hair.

  “But I thought the people in Central Africa spoke mostly Bantu.”

  “Many do—but there are a lot of different languages.”

  Bailey had snuggled close to her body. She petted him as she spoke. “Do you know French?”

  “Oui, je parle français,” he said with a grin. He was tempted to tell her a few other things in his second language—how beautiful she was, for one—but he knew she’d only press him for the interpretation. “And I can understand Bantu, but I can’t speak it very well.”

  “So why must a biologist from America travel to Africa on behalf of the forest elephant?” she asked.

  “They’re an endangered species. Seventy years ago three to five million elephants inhabited Africa. Today only about five hundred thousand remain. Roughly one-third are forest elephants. With so few left, it’s important to monitor them.”

  “But with the human population growing, and the forest being destroyed, can monitoring really do any good?”

  “You bet. It lets us know where they live and how they travel, so we can determine how much land must be protected to give them enough space. Also, a vet generally comes along and collects samples.”

  “Blood samples? That sort of thing?”

  “Blood, ectoparasites, feces, skin biopsies. That way we can create some baseline data and perform health assessments of the animals.”

  Reenie lay quiet for several seconds, still petting Bailey. Isaac wondered if she was listening to the classical music she’d turned on, or thinking. “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of the forest elephant before tonight,” she finally mused.

  “Sometimes they’re called pygmy elephants.”

  “Haven’t heard of that either. But Africa isn’t a very popular subject up here. I don’t know one other person who’s ever been there.”

  “Typically when people hear the word elephant, they picture the savanna elephant,” he said.

  “The big ones you see walking across grassy plains in the movies.”

  “Exactly. At one time we thought there were only two types of elephants in the world. The African savanna and the Asian.” He wasn’t sure why he was going into so much detail. She probably didn’t care about the different species of elephant. But he was afraid the temptation to let his hands wander might get the best of him if he didn’t keep talking. “But when a DNA identification system was set up to trace the origin of poached ivory, we found that the forest elephant is actually a third species, as different from the others as lions are from tigers.”

  “Do they look that different?” she asked.

  “Definitely. Savanna elephants can be as tall as thirteen feet.”

  “Forest elephants are smaller?”

  “By quite a bit. The largest of the bulls might reach eight feet. They also have more rounded ears—” Reenie leaned up to take another sip of her wine and offered him a drink. He loved the half smile she gave him when he accepted her glass. It let him know she was feeling the same tugging awareness he was. He nearly reached up to bring her down on top of him so he could meet her mouth with his, but he knew a relationship between them was just too…impossible.

  “You were saying they have more rounded ears,” she said.

  “Right.” Isaac found it difficult to concentrate when he looked at her. He waited for her to relax against him again before continuing. “Their tusks aren’t curved like the savanna. They’re straight and thin with a pinkish tinge to the ivory. A forest elephant’s lower jaw is longer than the other two species, giving it a narrow face. And forest elephants are a few shades darker in color.”

  “You love them,” she said, rolling over and propping herself up on her elbows.

  He grinned. “They’re incredible animals.”

  Her responding smile faded. “But they might not be around much longer because they’re losing their habitat, right?”

  He sobered. “That, and because poachers kill them for their ivory.”

  “Okay, let’s not go in that direction,” she said, and took another sip of wine. “Tell me what’s involved when a biologist decides to track a forest elephant.”

  He folded his arms behind his head. “Well…we base out of Ouesso, in the north. From there, we move into and around the forest by boat or land rover, or we hike to different campsites, searching for elephants.”

  Bailey lifted his head, licked Reenie’s hand, then rested his muzzle on his paws again. “How’s he doing?” Isaac said, changing subjects.

  “Not so good,” Reenie said. “I’m afraid he’s not going to last much longer. I should probably have him put to sleep, but I’m hoping he can make it a few more months.”

  He leaned toward her and cupped her chin. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s part of life,” she said. “One I don’t want to deal with, especially in the near future, but—don’t make me sad. We were talking about finding elephants.”

  He dropped his hand before he could try making her forget about Bailey in more physical ways. “Right. Well, they might weigh twenty-five-hundred kilograms but they’re still very difficult to find.”

  “You’re kidding. That’s over five thousand pounds. It’s hard to imagine something that big being hard to find.”

  “The jungle is incredibly dense.”

  “It must be. So what do you do when you come upon one?”

  “I immobilize and anesthetize it so I can place a GPS telemetry collar on it.”

  “A collar?”

  His eyes focused on her lips. “You are so…”

  “What?” she prompted.

  “Gorgeous.”

  She laughed. “You don’t think that’s stating things a little too strongly?”

  “Hell, no.”

  “I think you’ve had too much to drink.”

  “Not by a long shot. Anyway—” he cleared his throat “—what was I talking about?”

  “Collars.”

  “Right. GPS collars. They weigh nearly thirty pounds.”

  “Sounds like you have a fun job.”

  He took a drink from his own glass. “It’s exciting. You never know when you’re going to find one.”

  “If I ever had to face an animal that weighed over five thousand pounds, I’d want an army with me. Tell me you don’t take these elephants down all by yourself.”

  “No. I have a whole team of scientists to help me. Last trip, there was someone from the Wildlife Conservation Society, someone from the Fossil Rim Wildlife Center, a veterinarian from the National Zoo, local trackers who were members of the Bambenjelle people, a Bantu-speaking Kaka—”

  “Kaka?”

  “Another local people.”

  “That’s it?”

  He moved her hair over her shoulder. “I also had a field assistant.” With whom he’d had a brief sexual relationship. But he didn’t add that. It was only relevant to him in that it had been a long time ago and was seeming more remote by the second.

  “Still, it’s got to be dangerous,” she said.

  “It’s worth it.”

  “How close do you have to get?”

  “To within fifty meters. The first bull I ever anesthetized was standing in a bai—”

  “What’s a bai?”

  “A big wet, grassy clearing in the forest. They go there to drink. Anyway, the water was about three feet deep, and I had to walk into it to hide behind a small bush so he wouldn’t know where I was when I shot him.” He chuckled, remembering. “As soon as the dart struck, he splashed water all over us with his trunk and body, drenching everyone. And the next three minutes felt like hours as we waited to see where he’d go.”

  “Where did he go?”

  “He ran to the water’s edge and into the forest, and we rushed behind him. Our Bambenjelle trackers led the way. We ran for fifteen minut
es before we caught sight of him again. It was quite a chase.”

  “And you’ve given up all that to work in Earl’s feed store?”

  She spoke lightly, but he could tell there was something more serious underlying her tone. He suspected she wanted to know what he was really doing here, how long he’d be staying. He also suspected she’d already guessed the answer.

  “I’ve recently improved my situation, remember?” he said. “I’ll soon be working at the high school with you.”

  “But you could never really be happy with either job, could you?”

  He sat up, finished his wine and stood. It was getting late. If she was still awake, Liz would be wondering where he was. “Probably not,” he admitted. He wanted to make love to Reenie, to wake up in the morning with her naked in his arms, to have breakfast together.

  But he knew he couldn’t have a casual relationship with Reenie. She had three children. She deserved someone who could offer her a commitment.

  And then there was Liz and Keith and the past…

  “That’s what I thought,” she said.

  He reached out and took her hands. “Reenie, if things were different—”

  She pulled away. “Don’t explain. I understand.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  She grinned and managed a little shrug. “I don’t want to hurt you, either.”

  Had she possessed a little less spunk, he probably could’ve walked away from her right then. But she had the spark of a fighter in her eyes, one that said she might be down but she was far from out.

  Bringing her to him, he ran his hands up her backside, pressing their bodies tightly together. He was looking for a good excuse, anything that might let him bend his own rules a bit.

  Her defiance offered him that.

  He meant to lower his mouth to hers, to at least leave with a taste of her on his lips. Wise or not, he refused to begrudge himself such a small concession. But he’d underestimated her. Giving him a devilish grin, she turned her face away at the last second so that he barely caught her cheek.

  “Good night,” she said, stepping out of his reach.

  He hesitated for a second, wondering if she knew what she’d just done to him. He had a feeling she did.