Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  The office only housed Tabitha’s laptop and a desk. She’d not made much use of it so far.

  ‘Yes, it is.’

  ‘We’re just trying to do some pre-planning. We have a baby who will need fostering once it’s been born. Obviously if the baby was to join you they’d need to be in your bedroom with you to start off with, but I wanted to know if you’d be happy to use that space if they were here for longer. I need to find out if you felt in a position to consider another potential long-term placement.’

  ‘Wow. Well. I’d love to help if possible.’ Tabitha wasn’t able to voice her first thoughts any more cohesively than that.

  Then her phone buzzed in her pocket adding to her emotion overload. She did her best not to react.

  ‘That’s good to know. Obviously this is only a provisional discussion and it may all change, but I’ll feed back to my colleagues that placement here would be an option if needed.’ Julie jotted something down.

  ‘It’s not something I’d want to decide without discussing it with Syd and Max first. This is their home too now. I don’t think it’d be fair to bring a newborn in without at least discussing it with them.’

  The second the words had escaped Tabitha’s lips she realised she might be putting her foot in it if Julie decided to call the girls out for a family discussion.

  ‘Of course. We wouldn’t ever go ahead unless you were all happy. And to be clear, this is very much up in the air and not a straightaway thing. The baby isn’t due until the end of this month and it’s likely to need some medical care. So there is plenty of time to think it over and for the girls to settle in a bit more. I’ll keep you updated. Any chance Syd is going to say hello?’

  No chance at all, Tabitha thought to herself, but said, ‘I think she’s sleeping still. Getting her rest in before school starts.’

  ‘Ah, well, I best not go and disturb her. You have my number if there are any problems. I’ll leave these feedback forms for the three of you and I’ll pick them up next week. Give me a ring if you need to discuss anything beforehand.’

  Tabitha was glad to see Julie go. She checked her phone, the panic now going full-throttle. Lewis had replied to the message.

  What was she going to do if they weren’t there?

  When Tabitha opened the text it included a photo of the girls in their usual spot. The message read:

  Same field, different day.

  Tabitha’s whole body sagged with relief. Thank God for that, she thought.

  The message allowed her to relax for the first time that morning and she popped the kettle on to refresh the drink that she’d let go cold. Rescuing the rest of the shortbread, she helped herself to a chunk and returned to the sofa, resting her legs.

  She needed some time to process everything. Fostering a baby had always been the dream. But of course it wouldn’t be a simple undertaking with two teenagers in the house. It would be a newborn, up at all hours of the night screaming to be fed. It would mean devoting her time to changing nappies and soiled Babygros. She’d be exhausted, leaving little energy to devote to the twins. It would be a baptism of fire that she would never be fully prepared for, having never taken those steps through motherhood herself. But despite everything, she was still excited at the thought.

  She took a bite of the crunchy shortbread, licking the sugar grains from her lips while the biscuit dissolved in her mouth. Her mother’s recipe never failed to deliver. She needed the taste of home, she realised, to serve as a reminder that she was doing this to find her own strangely formatted version of a family. The thought made her wish her mum was still around to call on, a wish she’d often had in the recent years of suffering further loss.

  For now, her family under this roof consisted of fifteen-year-old twins. Even if they were showing their gratitude by slipping out of windows and smashing up her home baking.

  She just hoped that when the time arrived for them to be hungry again, they’d slink their way back. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to leave the rest of the shortbread on Syd’s windowsill. That would be one sure way of guiding them home.

  Thirteen

  Before Then

  Planning was part of Tabitha’s nature. Since her days at university, and then on to her role as a teacher, planning was an essential part of her life. Goals needed to be met and that involved having a plan.

  That didn’t mean that she thought planning was always for the best, though. She wasn’t allergic to some spontaneity.

  What she wanted to do today was live in the moment. There was a perfect hint of spring in the air after a few miserable months. The sky was bright blue without a cloud to be seen and birds flitted overhead. She wished she could tell her class of six-year-olds to close their books. Why would they want to have their heads down reading when there was nature to be explored?

  Instead they were boxed in a classroom. That was the problem with life… Plans didn’t always come together. No matter how hard she worked on them.

  Point in case, her body wasn’t being obliging. The plan was that now was the right time. It would land well in the calendar year if it was to occur now. So why hadn’t their efforts been rewarded? Why when their attendance rate had been one hundred per cent, hadn’t it worked?

  Of course, there was always her next cycle. It wasn’t like they would be the first couple not to conceive straightaway.

  By the time Tabitha finished work that day she was exhausted. There was nothing like thirty youngsters for the best part of six hours to diminish your energy. Especially when her time of the month had come along and kicked her in the gut.

  Tabitha popped her head into the Year 5 classroom knowing Melissa, her best friend and colleague, would still be there. Only she wasn’t. Missing her friend seemed to be becoming the norm and whereas she used to regularly blag a lift home, now she rarely asked. Tabitha was sad to miss her. She could have done with a friendly face, but she’d take Andy’s any day of the week. It was still hard to believe she was lucky enough to have him in her life.

  When she made it outside, the earlier bright-blue skies had been whipped away by a cold frosty wind, meaning the night would be cold even though the day had been pleasant. She was glad to have her coat to draw around her as she stood and waited for Andy. Without fail, every day, he dropped her off and picked her up. It was a protective instinct that she both embraced and struggled with. It was a contradiction, she knew that. The warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing someone wanted to look after her and the sense of possessiveness that went with it.

  Andy pulled over in a rush. He always drove the Land Rover as if he was in a hurry to get somewhere and it was forever plastered in mud from the farm.

  ‘How is it even on a dry day, you’ve managed to get yourself covered?’ Tabitha planted a kiss on his lips once she was in the passenger seat, trying to avoid the splatters of mud on his top and khaki trousers.

  From behind his floppy hair, there was a glint in his blue eyes that made her want him, mud and all.

  ‘We need a month of sunshine for the farm to dry out after all the rain we’ve had. You better hope my forefathers don’t hear me… Who’d ’ave imagined a farmer ever complaining about the rain. I best be quiet before I bring any bad omens on us and we don’t see a drop for the next three months.’

  The Land Rover roared to life again, its sound always eliciting surprised looks in the streets surrounding the suburban school.

  Tabitha didn’t want any bad omens, but luckily she didn’t believe that talking about the weather was about to create any. She wasn’t sure if she was suffering from some of her own though. Was it possible to stop something from happening because you wanted it too much?

  ‘My period arrived.’ Tabitha said it so quietly it was barely audible over the sound of the roaring engine.

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘We didn’t get lucky this time. My period’s arrived.’

  Saying it a second time made the cramps in her stomach shout louder, winding her momentarily.

  All of
a sudden, in the same way he did his flyby pick-ups, Andy pulled over and parked with a screech. Tabitha jerked forward with the movement, but was soon righted again by her husband pulling her into a hug.

  ‘I’m sorry, Tabs.’

  It was easy to let herself be held. She was mourning the loss of opportunity and it was a strange event to be sad over, but she was hurting all the same.

  ‘I didn’t think I’d mind this much.’

  ‘We’ve only just started to try. It’ll happen. We just need to be patient.’

  Tabitha wiped her face, trying to rub away the pain. ‘I know. I’m just worried about being on the wrong side of forty. I was hoping we’d get it right the first time.’

  ‘Do you still want to go to the quiz? It might take your mind off it.’

  She wasn’t sure she wanted to face the world. Oddly she didn’t even have the desire to share the news with Melissa. Her friend had been evasive of late and even when they had the opportunity to chat at work it was always brief. But it wasn’t the time to worry about why things seemed to have changed – she had enough on her plate.

  ‘I’m not sure I feel up to seeing Toby and Melissa. How about some takeaway pizza?’ There was nothing better to cure the blues than a slice of pepperoni with extra cheese. She wasn’t sure it would entirely resolve how she was feeling, but at least it would help.

  ‘Pizza in front of the fire sounds like a perfect date. And we need to squeeze in all the dates we can. We’ll soon be too busy once we have our own little one about.’

  Tabitha hoped so. It had taken long enough to find the man of her dreams. She hoped it wouldn’t take anywhere near as long to complete their family.

  Fourteen

  Now

  Tabitha had been on edge all day. Ever since Max and Syd had got on the school bus she’d struggled to settle. She was too preoccupied with worrying about whether the girls were getting on okay on their first day at their new school.

  She had planned to go full-steam-ahead with sorting the rear garden of the Bunk-a-low, but she’d faffed about with tidying and cleaning the house and now there wasn’t enough time to make an indent on the mammoth task. Instead she settled for doing some weeding, of which there was far less to do.

  ‘You look shattered,’ Sylvie said from over her rose bushes.

  ‘I am a bit,’ Tabitha said, pulling off her gardening gloves as she went over to greet her neighbour. It was nice to have an excuse to give up all attempts at making good use of her day.

  ‘You’ve got time for a drink, haven’t you?’

  ‘I was hoping you might ask.’ Tabitha adored her neighbour. When they’d been in the throes of building work, Sylvie had taken it upon herself to make sure Tabitha always had a good supply of tea, even leaving a flask on the days she was out.

  ‘I can’t understand why you aren’t reclined on the sofa while you have the chance. I always used to do that when my kids went back to school.’

  Tabitha smiled at the thought. ‘I’m not running after two toddlers, though. It’s not like I need to recover my energy.’ She cleaned her boots on the mat as she followed Sylvie into her bungalow, taking them off for good measure so she avoided leaving a trail of mud. Lofty gave up lazing in the sunshine and had followed her loyally, although the real loyalty was to the doggy-biscuit tin that was open before any wellies were off.

  ‘Ah, that’s where you’re mistaken. You see, it’s all the things they don’t tell you about that end up making you tired. I bet the admin alone has been keeping you busy.’

  ‘There has been a fair bit to do,’ Tabitha confessed. There had been admission forms and various other bits of paperwork she’d had to complete for the school. She’d felt as if she had forms coming out of her ears, especially having to fill in everything twice.

  ‘Then there’s all the mental energy you use up thinking about them. All that scheduling to sort things out and worrying about what they’re up to when you’re not there.’

  Tabitha had definitely done more than her fair share of worrying. It was obviously having an effect. ‘I should follow your example in that case and have a rest day.’

  ‘I’d take one every Monday if I were you.’ Sylvie giggled. ‘Tea?’

  ‘Yes, please. I take it Lewis has filled you in on their field visits?’ Lewis always popped over to his mum’s in the evening to check she was okay. It was one of the sweetest things Tabitha had ever heard of and enough to make her tired heart melt. She hoped she would have someone looking after her like that when she was older.

  ‘He did mention that they hadn’t been helping out at the garage like you’d hoped. Take a seat. I’ll bring the tea in.’

  Tabitha did as she was told and took up residence on the sofa. It was a good excuse to sit down. Lofty joined her by lolloping over her ankles.

  ‘Did he also tell you they escaped out the window when the social worker was there?’ Tabitha asked once her host joined her.

  ‘They never did? What larks! Was it all okay? No one got in trouble I hope?’

  ‘The social worker didn’t even realise. She was too concerned about telling me about another placement to notice what they were up to. We did have words on their return, but they’d left me a note in Syd’s room so I couldn’t even be mad at them. They just wanted to leave without drawing attention to themselves.’

  ‘How wonderful.’ Sylvie put her hands together and her eyes flickered as if remembering her own escapades in years gone by. ‘A polite exit. That really is rather sweet in this day and age.’

  Tabitha smiled. ‘I suppose it is.’

  Given all the warnings she’d had about the girls and the behaviour she should be expecting, on the whole, she’d not been subjected to anything she wasn’t able to handle. Maybe the Bunk-a-low was going to be the place they thrived. She really hoped so.

  ‘What’s this about another placement then? Is it not a bit soon for them to give you more to do with the girls still adjusting?’ Sylvie curled her hands round her mug, savouring the warmth.

  ‘It wouldn’t be straightaway. They’re just preparing for a baby who will need fostering and they were sussing out whether placing them with me would be a possibility. I said I’d want to talk to Max and Syd about it first. I’m not sure how likely it is.’

  ‘Would you like to look after a baby?’ There was something quizzical about the arch of Sylvie’s eyebrow.

  ‘I guess I would, but I’m not sure how qualified I am, having never had a baby myself.’

  ‘No mother is ever qualified when they start out. Most of it is based on instinct and asking the right people the right questions. I’d be able to help out with that at least. And you’re very dynamic. Look at everything you’ve achieved at your place.’

  ‘Helping to project manage a building and bringing up a baby are worlds apart. One is far more predictable than the other.’

  Sylvie sipped her drink with her hands cradled around the mug. ‘I suppose it’s the same as any of the foster placements. They’re in your care and if there are any problems you’ll have to speak to the team. Do you think you’ll say yes?’

  She wanted to. It was her instinctive answer, but there was more to think about than that. ‘Only if Syd and Max are okay with it.’

  ‘When will you talk to the twins about it?’

  ‘I’ll bring it up if I get the chance.’ Tabitha desperately hoped it wouldn’t be an outright no. She’d ask when the time seemed right.

  ‘Good luck! That’s the bus now, isn’t it? Your ten minutes of calm is over.’

  * * *

  Prawn linguine had seemed like such a good idea. Quick to cook, nutritious and tasty. It ticked all the parenting-the-right-way boxes.

  Now Max and Syd each had a king prawn hooked onto a fork and were acting out The Little Mermaid. How was she to know that as both girls weren’t keen on the taste of fish they hadn’t been offered anything like a king prawn before?

  She should have known, of course. She had a folder full of such infor
mation on both of them, but as far as she knew this was one of their foibles that hadn’t been listed.

  ‘They’re good for you. You should at least try one. Perhaps not the ones in the role of Ariel and Sebastian, but you’ll never know if you like them unless you try.’

  Tabitha’s mother would have been proud. She sounded so like her it raised a smile, and for a fleeting moment she mourned not ever being able to tell her the story of the prawn boycott.

  Much to Tabitha’s surprise, Syd held her nose, poked out her tongue and gobbled the prawn up so quickly it wasn’t far off being inhaled.

  ‘They’re actually okay,’ Syd said after unclamping her nose.

  ‘Can you taste it if you’re pinching your nose?’ Max asked.

  ‘At least Syd has tried it.’

  Would it be unsubtle to do an air punch? There was jubilation bubbling inside Tabitha as every day these baby steps told her she was making an impact. In some way she was making a difference to these two girls.

  All at once the chance to be brave seemed to have arrived. ‘I hope it’s okay, but I wanted to talk to you both about something.’

  ‘Is it about how prawns go with white wine? We’re pretty much drinking age, we should probably crack open a bottle and share it all between us,’ Max said, staring at the prawn rather than trying it like her sister.

  Tabitha executed an eye roll and landed herself first place in her imaginary Olympics. She also made a mental note to remove all alcohol from the house. ‘I hardly think so. It was about Julie’s visit the other day. She asked whether I’d be able to support another placement at some point in the future. It would be a baby, so no other teenagers in the house for you to worry about.’

  Max stopped staring at her prawn and looked directly at Tabitha. ‘We’re not helping.’

  ‘Of course not. I wouldn’t expect you to. But I wanted to see how you felt about it before I gave any kind of reply.’