Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  ‘No, that just dropped through the letterbox. Is there anything you need me to do before I head off?’

  There were a few things that she was thinking of asking her father to do, but she didn’t want to mention security cameras just before he was leaving. She’d read the letter first to see if there was anything that warranted those kinds of measures.

  Once her father was gone, she opened the door into the night, in order to clarify that Melissa was definitely gone. She didn’t want her there or the memories she carried with her.

  It was eerie out in the front garden when it was dark. From over the road there was the light hum of crickets in the field, but there were no other noises or movement. There weren’t enough houses around for it to warrant any street lamps so the only light being emitted was from her home and a window of Lewis’s flat. She stared towards it, wondering if she should invite him over to support her through reading the letter. It was a nice thought, but she didn’t want to encourage the feelings she seemed to have growing for him. Not when he didn’t know everything.

  Returning to the warmth of the Bunk-a-low, she studied the envelope in more depth. Syd and Max were in their rooms and it was as quiet as it ever got. Tabitha curled up on the sofa, Lofty soon joining her by folding into her lap.

  ‘You’ll give me hugs if I need them, won’t you, boy?’ The dog would be loyal to her no matter what.

  The envelope was a standard, long, brown one. The type available at the post office last minute. When she opened it, the letter was on plain A4 paper, written in blue biro with neat, considered handwriting.

  * * *

  Dear Tabitha,

  * * *

  How I’ve missed you since you left. I don’t think there is a day that has passed when I’ve not thought of you. It’s been strange not knowing where you were or having you at the end of the phone.

  I’ve often wondered where you’d ended up. I thought you must have opted for sunnier climes like Andy’s parents. Something a world away. But here you are just a few villages along the road.

  What I wouldn’t have done to have known that. If I’d have had the capability to reach out to you before now, I would have. But I knew you wanted to go underground and walk away from the past. I understand why you needed to, I just won’t ever be able to like the fact that you felt you needed to.

  I hope you don’t mind that I came to see you. I thought that if we were able to see each other face-to-face and talk properly it would make a difference.

  I feel so bad about not talking to you back then. Every day I kick myself for being so stupid as to risk our friendship. Because surely that was what mattered above all else.

  * * *

  Tabitha had to stop herself from reading. The words were too painful to digest. Did she really not know?

  * * *

  I regret wholeheartedly that I wasn’t there for you. I wanted to be, but I realised I had to leave Toby. I’d really love the chance to tell you the whole story.

  But of course, life has moved on. Of course it has. It was odd to see you with a baby in your arms. It was an instant reminder of how time has changed us.

  I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I was hoping we might be friends once more, but I understand if that’s too much to ask.

  Whether I hear from you again or not, I hope your life is full of happiness. You deserve nothing less.

  * * *

  All of my best wishes, always.

  Melissa xx

  * * *

  Tabitha folded the paper again and placed it back in the envelope quickly, as if the re-opened wound would seal up just as fast. The letter had opened up questions Tabitha had never considered. Melissa had made no mention of the man she’d left Toby for. She’d made no indication if the upset it had caused had been worth it. Tabitha hoped so. No matter the turmoil it may have caused in Tabitha’s life, she wouldn’t wish ill on Melissa.

  Perhaps the only way forward was to meet up with Melissa? If Toby hadn’t ever told Melissa about the accusations he’d made, maybe it was time for Tabitha to face up to the truth of the past and fill her in.

  Because it wasn’t just the memory of discovering her husband was dead that she’d been living with.

  Forty-Four

  Then: The twenty-four hours that changed everything

  It was one of those things that life liked to come along and do to a person… Provide more than one hurdle. When one bad thing came along, on occasions life liked to provide several more.

  ‘We were doomed to fail without the others here. It’s becoming a bit of a regular thing them not turning up,’ Toby said.

  ‘I’m not sure why we even enter when our knowledge only covers craft beers and Harry Potter,’ Tabitha said. She enjoyed the Friday night quiz and a glass of wine. After a week at school it was a refreshing change, but it wasn’t the same when Andy and Melissa weren’t able to join them. She’d missed seeing her friend as much these past few weeks and had hoped she’d be here tonight.

  Toby was still nursing half his beer. He was drinking it slowly, eking their time out. Tabitha was going to have to make her excuses and head back soon. She didn’t like it when he was nursing his worries at the bottom of a pint glass.

  ‘Do you reckon my wife is really poorly?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Tabitha had seen her best friend earlier that day at the school.

  ‘I figure you know her better than me. So you tell me. Is she ill?’

  Tabitha didn’t like being questioned in a way that put her between husband and wife. They were both her friends. Just because she’d seen Melissa earlier in the day, didn’t mean she had the most up-to-date information. ‘Why are you questioning it?’

  ‘We don’t need to go over it now.’ Toby had met her eye as if he’d suddenly remembered where they were and who he was with. ‘Come on, we best get you home. We don’t want to keep you up past your bedtime.’

  They silently left the pub and it wasn’t until they were halfway home when Toby spoke again. ‘I think Melissa is having an affair.’

  They were on the darkest section of the lane, with the pub far behind them and only a porch light leading them to Tabitha’s home. It wasn’t possible to make out Toby’s expression with any certainty.

  ‘What makes you say that?’ Melissa was Tabitha’s best friend. She hoped she’d be the first to know if she was having an affair. She knew Melissa didn’t think her husband was perfect and they’d been arguing more of late, but she’d given no indication of anything else going on.

  ‘I think Melissa is having an affair with your husband. Why else do you think they keep ducking out of the quiz together?’ Toby stopped walking and caught hold of Tabitha’s hand to stop her too. He was drunk. ‘I’ve seen it. I’ve seen the way he looks at her. It would make sense that it’s him.’

  ‘What? You can’t just go and accuse people like that. Andy is asleep. He’s not having an affair with anyone.’ Tabitha prised her arm back and picked up her pace towards the cottage.

  Tabitha shared Andy at times, but it was with a place, not a person. Owerstock Farm often took up most of his spare hours. She wanted to be home with him now.

  ‘You must have noticed some of the same signs that I have. Making up excuses to be out all the time, cagey about messages, being off with you. She’s having an affair and it’s with your husband.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Tabitha was walking quickly, having to mind her step along the uneven road.

  ‘Don’t act naïve. You must have noticed the changes in both of them.’

  ‘Do you have one solid piece of evidence to support what you’re saying?’ As soon as Tabitha asked the question she knew he didn’t. Right now he was just being paranoid and drunk.

  ‘I’ve already told you. Melissa has changed. It only requires a sixth sense to work out the rest.’

  ‘I’m going to get myself home. I suggest you do the same. You can’t go round accusing your friends like that.’ There wasn
’t much further to walk now, but Tabitha didn’t want to hear any more of Toby’s drunken ramblings. His words were hurtful. Just because he was having problems within his marriage didn’t mean he needed to point fingers at those closest to him.

  ‘You’ll see and don’t say I didn’t warn you,’ Toby said, waving a goodbye that almost sent him off balance.

  Curling her fingers round her key, it was a relief when she reached the garden gate and knew she was home. She chanced a glance along the lane to check Toby was heading back home. His figure was nearing the pub, potentially to head back in, but if he was, that wasn’t her issue to deal with.

  She wanted to see Andy. She needed her husband.

  Before heading in, she decided she first needed to ring her friend. The call went to answerphone. Rather than leave a voice message for fear of not being clear, Tabitha sent a text.

  Toby is coming out with some random crap this evening! He’s pretty drunk… Let me know that he gets back okay. We can talk about this more tomorrow.

  It was dark and quiet in the hallway and even Lofty was too deep in his sleep to come and greet Tabitha. She eased her way to the kitchen, already questioning if there were any signs. Had Melissa been here this evening? Was there anything to worry about?

  Rather than make a hot chocolate like she normally would, Tabitha decided to go and speak to Andy. For once, she didn’t avoid the creaky floorboards or push the door open slowly or not bother with the lights. She did all of them with the hope it would wake her husband.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Andy asked as he startled from his sleep.

  ‘I’m not going without you again.’

  ‘Okay. I guess you didn’t win then.’ Andy rubbed at his eyes and ruffled his sun-bleached hair.

  ‘Toby got drunk again and Melissa didn’t turn up.’

  ‘Well that’s crap. Can I go back to sleep now?’

  ‘Are you having an affair with Melissa?’

  ‘What? Where the fuck has that come from?’

  ‘Toby reckons you and Melissa are having an affair.’

  ‘And what do you think?’

  Tabitha shrugged. In that moment she really didn’t know what to think.

  ‘Of course I’m not having a pissing affair.’ Andy sat up, none of the tiredness that was there moments before showing.

  ‘I know.’ She did know. She didn’t know why she’d worded it the way she had. ‘Toby just seemed so convinced.’

  ‘Of what? There’s nothing to be convinced of.’

  ‘He thinks Melissa is behaving differently. He thinks—’

  ‘I don’t want to hear what Toby thinks. I want to hear what you think. Do you genuinely believe any of that is true?’

  Tabitha shrugged, uncertain how to phrase what she needed to say. ‘Melissa has been acting differently. I feel like I haven’t seen her and we work in the same building. I guess, maybe she has been avoiding me.’

  ‘So that leads you to believe she’s had an affair with me? With me?’ Andy’s face had turned red, his words punching out of him like tiny bullets.

  ‘I don’t believe that. Toby does.’ She’d let her friend’s paranoia press in on her senses.

  ‘Why are you waking me up in the middle of the night to question me then?’

  Tabitha hadn’t meant for them to argue. ‘Because I wanted to talk to you about it. I couldn’t get hold of Melissa. I wanted to see what you thought.’

  ‘You know full well how busy this time of year is for me, especially with Dad not doing as much. It’s ridiculous for you to even think that I’d have the energy for something like that.’

  ‘It’s never entered my thoughts. Toby seemed so convinced, though. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have woken you.’ It was infuriating to think that she’d even considered the possibility. ‘I’ll ring Melissa again in the morning, seeing as she hasn’t replied to my message.’

  ‘Don’t let whatever Toby has got into his head worry you. Just because they are having problems doesn’t mean they get to bring us into them.’

  ‘I know, but Melissa’s my friend. I’m just worried.’

  ‘We only need to worry about us for the moment. Now are you going to get ready for bed or what?’ Andy pulled the cover back, inviting her in.

  It was an offer she was never going to refuse, making her wish she’d never been out in the first place. She could have been snug in bed with her husband all evening. ‘Give me five minutes and I’ll be with you.’

  Tabitha didn’t know what to make of what had happened. She’d talk to Melissa tomorrow to find out if there was any truth to what Toby had said, but as it stood, she wouldn’t be rushing to hang out with them as a foursome any time soon. She didn’t want to be in Toby’s company again after tonight.

  When she was finally ready for bed, Andy was fast asleep. It was tempting to wake him for a second time, knowing what he’d meant when he’d invited her to bed. But truth be told she was also exhausted and her mind was still mulling over the evening’s events. They could talk about it in the morning. They could make up in the morning. Everything could wait until the morning.

  Forty-Five

  Now

  The sunny weather meant it was too nice to stay inside. Tabitha was bored of her own company and however much she loved Lofty and Luna, they weren’t able to distract her from the worry that she kept going over: Should she really be meeting with Melissa?

  She’d decided she needed to do something to distract herself. Having already made sandwiches, Tabitha was now mixing drinks and adding some other snacks to the picnic bag. If the girls were determined to spend that many hours over in that field, Tabitha was going to see what all the fuss was about and spend some time with them that way. She was also collecting Lewis en route.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t need me to get anything else?’ Lewis said when she arrived at the garage.

  The buggy was laden with the picnic bag and blanket and the usual nappy bag with its many supplies.

  ‘Nope. That flask of coffee is the only think you needed to bring.’

  ‘Let me push the buggy at least. It looks heavy. Have you told the girls to expect us?’ Lewis passed her the flask in exchange for Luna’s pram.

  ‘No, I figured I’d be better off with the element of surprise on my side.’

  ‘Are you still happy to go ahead with this afternoon?’ Lewis asked as he navigated the neglected potholes along the country lane.

  ‘I need to speak to Melissa for my peace of mind. It’s one of those situations where everything changed when Andy passed away. I’ve been wondering what would have happened to our friendship if he hadn’t.’

  ‘Do you think you would still be friends?’

  It was so hard to know anything for certain with all the what-ifs and maybes. She’d spent far too much of her life surrounded by them. ‘I really couldn’t say for certain. The things that should have happened never did and it’s impossible to fill in the blanks.’

  ‘You still have the chance to cancel if you want to.’

  However much part of her wanted to leave it all behind her, there was also the need to explain why she’d behaved the way she had. It was wrong to have turned her back on her friend without resolving what had happened. ‘I need to. If nothing else, I think there needs to be one last discussion so I can say my piece.’

  They reached the field gate and between them managed to tackle opening it.

  ‘I’ll see you at mine later then.’

  ‘Thank you for letting me use your flat. I really didn’t want to do it at mine.’ Tabitha knew she didn’t want to air the conversation in public. Nor had she wanted to do it at the Bunk-a-low with the girls there. That place was supposed to be a refuge from the past so she didn’t want to send it an open invite.

  ‘No problem. You can decide then whether you want me about or if I should make myself scarce and help mum out with the babysitting.’

  ‘I’ll decide later. Now let’s go eat and talk about other things.’

&nb
sp; Now the field wasn’t being used as an art project, it had pretty meadow flowers blooming all over with much of it over a metre high. If it wasn’t for the path Syd and Max had carved out it would have been impossible to get the buggy across.

  Syd was pressed up against the garage writing something in a notepad and Max was by the hay bale.

  Lofty was pulling on his lead, and because Tabitha was no longer dealing with the pram as well, she let him off. He quickly rushed to the hay bale, knocking Max over.

  Because it wasn’t Max. The figure was like a Guy Fawkes, made of straw and dressed in Max’s clothes.

  ‘Where’s Max?’ Tabitha asked, unsure if she was more shocked by their audacity or her stupidity.

  ‘She’s just gone for a walk,’ Syd said, avoiding eye contact.

  Tabitha wondered if it would be weird to strike a yoga pose for a few minutes. The meditation would help right now. ‘We’ve brought a picnic. We thought we’d spend some time with you over here. It looks like your sister is going to miss out.’

  Focussing on why they’d come here was the best thing to do. That’s what Tabitha was trying to convince herself as she and Lewis spread out the blanket and placed Tupperware tubs of various foods across it to stop it from blowing away.

  Syd stopped focussing on her notepad and came over to greet Luna before joining them on the blanket.

  ‘Can I ask where she’s gone?’ Tabitha just hoped that Syd at least knew.

  Syd shrugged while helping herself to a chicken, lettuce and mayo wrap. ‘She just said she was bored and wanted to go for a walk.’

  ‘How many times has she gone off?’ Lewis was studying the fake Max. The baseball cap even came with a wig attachment.

  Tabitha should have been mad, but she was too weary.