Love Me Forever

by Muriel Jensen

  She thought back. It wasn’t difficult. She could recall the two of them in the kitchen, excited, working side by side, struggling against the laws of culinary science that allowed one part of a recipe to come through perfectly while causing another to fail. She recalled being their taster.

  “You couldn’t get the cherry juice quite right, or something,” she said, able to close her eyes and taste it. It had been wonderful, but her father had wanted a stronger, truer flavor. She hadn’t thought about that in years.

  “Yes!” Her father seemed thrilled out of all proportion that she remembered. Her mother smiled; the first smile Sandy had seen on her today. Her father went on. “I perfected it. I went to a cherry liqueur rather than juice. The pie became my restaurant’s most popular dessert, then Mrs. Walter’s Whoopie Pies bought it from me for a lot of money.”

  He appeared to be waiting for her to be elated. And she was—for all the nonprofits that would benefit from his generosity. But the loss of their family could not be put right for her by any amount of money.

  She made herself revisit everything she’d just learned. He’d left because her mother had cheated on him. It hadn’t been his fault. Well, it had been, because he’d left, but he’d had a pretty substantial reason. Still, he’d stayed away a long time.

  No wonder her mother had gone into a decline. Even as Sandy thought about that, her mother patted the hand she held with her free one. “I had a hard time functioning for so long when your father left because I knew I’d brought it on all by myself. You were so upset, hated him so much and turned all your efforts to trying to help us survive, and I was responsible for all the woe.”

  She leaned forward to wrap Sandy in an embrace. “I’m so sorry. I should have told you the truth, but you were all I had left and I didn’t want you to hate me.”

  Sandy was at a loss for words, an unusual circumstance for her.

  Her mother sat back, tears falling freely. “For such a young girl you set a strong example of survival. You worked so hard, were fearless of the obstacles, so determined to get us through.”

  In the moment of silence that followed Sandy wondered if her life would ever be in balance again.

  “You can tell us what you’re thinking,” her father said. “And you’re free to be completely frank.” He grinned briefly. “Not that that’s ever been a problem for you.”

  She needed a few seconds to collect her thoughts. Her anger was completely gone in the face of their honesty, but some hurt feelings and a few questions remained.

  “That was a long time to be gone without a word,” she said finally. “Never a note or a phone call?”

  “You’re absolutely right.” He accepted the rebuke. He sat up a little straighter and she saw her mother reach for his hand. “And the really awful, unforgiveable truth is that I don’t have a reason for it that I expect you to understand. It took me a year to realize how prideful I’d been and how much I missed both of you, but every time I thought about some sort of reconciliation, I remembered your mother with another man and I...I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the anger and resentment. I just worked and built the restaurant into a really great little place and tried to take comfort in that. But, finally, that wasn’t enough. I did come back a few years ago. I took a cruise to Astoria, planning on using the day in town to talk to your mother and you, but when I got here and went to your mother’s, her neighbor told me no one was home, that Loretta’s daughter was in the hospital having a baby—Addie. I couldn’t bring myself just to walk into the middle of that, so I returned to the boat. I think I was so...deranged by being unable to talk to you that I fell down the stairs on the way to my cabin and broke my leg. The kindness Astoria extended to me when the ship had to leave me behind and move on is the reason I want to repay this city.”

  He didn’t have a good answer. That was reprehensible. But somehow she thought his honesty was better than a lot of excuses or pleas for understanding.

  “Dad.” The simple word held a wealth of empathy and all her confusion. She saw her father’s eyes react to it. He began to reach a hand out to her, then stopped himself. She guessed he wanted her to make the first move. She felt sympathy, even forgiveness, but the adoration she’d had for him as a child couldn’t be retrieved.

  “Our nonprofits will be so excited,” she said, her voice unsteady. “But, Dad...” He sat up straighter, waiting for her to go on. “Addie is four. Not a moment in all that time that you couldn’t have gotten in touch?”

  “Oh...” He ran a hand over his face and shook his head. “I took that roadblock to seeing your mother and you as a sign that maybe I should just stay out of your lives. The two of you seemed to be doing well. I found you on LinkedIn, and you had a good job and all kinds of skills. I researched you.” He smiled with obvious pride. She swallowed, emotion about to overtake her. “It amazed me and made me proud that, as difficult as life must have been for you, you became a remarkable person. I found out about your fund-raising for various causes in Astoria, and how much your friends and coworkers love and respect you. You’re a remarkable woman, Sandy.” He gripped Loretta’s hand tighter, proud of how their daughter had turned out. “When your mother was still working, I saw that she won second place in the Good Eats Daring Desserts contest. I wanted to call then, but just remaining silent seemed the better part of valor. Then I got this windfall and I wanted so much to share it.”

  “Why did you think money would make a difference?” she asked. Her voice held no anger, only surprise.

  “Because it wasn’t just a little money—it was a lot of money. I didn’t think it would necessarily change how you felt about me, but I thought it might at least make you listen to me. Even if you don’t want me in your life, I want to try to make yours better.”

  Sandy stood, feeling again as though she was about to lose it, and she simply couldn’t do that to her father two days in a row. “Okay, I’ve listened. I understand what happened. That is, I want to, but I’m finding it hard. I have compassion for both of you, and...” She gasped, groping for words. “And I love both of you. But my life is fine, and I...can’t imagine the three of us fitting right back into the Connolly Family slot.” She looked down at her mother. “Are you two getting back together?”

  “Yes,” she said.

  “Will you live here?”

  “Yes.” Her father stood. “Will you be able to forgive me?”

  “And me?” Her mother stood, too. “I’d so like your father to get to know his grandchildren.”

  Sandy bent to pick up the purse she’d placed at her feet when she sat down. She looked from one parent to the other, her father’s face older but so dearly familiar. She gave each parent a quick, stiff hug, then took a step back.

  Apparently encouraged by her conciliatory gesture, her father said quickly, “I can pay off all your accounts payable, buy you a nicer cart. Put...”

  The anger she’d thought she was rid of reared its head again. “Dad, I don’t want you to pay off anything, or buy me anything,” she said, her voice growing louder. “I want you to regret that you walked away from us! Mom’s a bigger person than I am. I want to put all that aside, but I can’t just forget that you left us.”

  “It’s easy for me to be a bigger person, Sandy,” her mother told her in a small voice. “It was all my fault to begin with.”

  Sandy was starting to lose it. Warring emotions made her woozy. “I don’t know what to say anymore. I’m going home, but I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  She let herself out into the hallway and was halfway to the elevator before she realized, once again, that she didn’t have her car.

  Her mother called to her from the hallway. “Wait in the parking area. Your father’s phoning Hunter to take you back to work.”

  “Don’t phone him. I’ll walk!”

  Sandy hurried off, her purse over her shoulder, just as r
ain began to fall. She made a rueful face at the sky as traffic rushed by. Walking on Marine Drive always made her feel she was in the traffic, a body without protection against the cars passing just a few feet from her. That was a good metaphor for life, she thought. The unprotected Everywoman against the threatening traffic of the universe.

  Hunching into the collar of her jacket, rain pelting her head, she played her father’s and her mother’s revelations over and over in her mind, as well as how easily each had forgiven the other for all the intervening years. She wanted to be that generous, but found it hard.

  She continued to hurry toward her coffee cart. It was becoming her refuge—the scents of the coffee and the syrups a sort of aromatherapy for her.

  Hoping her mother had heard her say not to call Hunter, she stopped at the driveway to Stephanie’s Cabin, a popular restaurant, to let a city truck pull in for lunch, windshield wipers working hard. Behind the truck was Hunter’s BMW. He pushed the passenger side door open in invitation.

  She ducked to look inside. He wore a white cotton sweater and his handsome work persona. “Thank you, but I’m almost there. And I’m not talking to you.”

  “You’re still half a mile away,” he disputed. “Get in. And you don’t have to talk to me. I’ll just toss you out once we’re there.”

  When she hesitated, he added, “I’m buying coffee for the office, so hurry up. If I take too long, they’re all over me.”

  She got in. At this point, she couldn’t afford to discourage a customer, even the lying Hunter.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  “THANK YOU.” Hunter thought Sandy’s voice was decidedly ungracious, despite the words of gratitude. But, contrary to her threat, she was talking to him. “I told my mother not to phone you.”

  “Your dad called me, and asked if I’d intercept you. He seems to feel you need me.”

  Her belt fastened, she faced him. “Why would I need a liar?”

  “I think you think you don’t need anyone. But your father said this morning was hard for you—for all of you. He and your mother have each other now, but he didn’t know what you’d do for comfort. Your best friend is still out of town.”

  “I’d take comfort in the Urban’s chocolate cake and ice cream, but it only makes you fat. It doesn’t help you forget anything. And booze is too expensive.”

  “True. Then I guess I’m it.”

  She was quiet while he pulled into the left lane. Her coffee cart was now just a short distance away. As he pulled into the lot the cart stood on, she asked completely out of the blue, “Did you know my mother had someone else and that was why my father left?”

  “Ah...no. I didn’t. How would I know that?”

  “I don’t know. Everybody appears to know more than I do. Well, not anymore, but you all knew it earlier.”

  He edged into a spot near a fence at the back of the lot and stopped the car. Rain drummed rhythmically on the roof. “I remember Loretta trying to speak several times when I visited her, and Harry cutting her off. It’s possible she was trying to tell me then, but your father kept stopping her.”

  “He’s assuming the blame. They were arguing in the bedroom before we talked. He didn’t want her to tell even me, but she insisted. She fell for someone else because he wasn’t there for her during a difficult period.” She delivered that information unemotionally then added with sympathy in her voice, “My father had three part-time jobs and he was exhausted. Still, he made her feel unloved, invisible.”

  Hunter wanted to ask Sandy if that meant she’d forgiven them, but he was guessing that if that was the case, she wouldn’t be wearing that grim expression. He unfastened his seat belt.

  “He offered me money.” She spoke quietly, but it was easy to see she was completely offended. “Do you believe that?” she asked. “What is it with you guys? Why does it all come down to money?” She freed herself from her belt and frowned at him.

  He considered his reply carefully. He didn’t want to sound sarcastic, but she was missing an important point here.

  “Sandy, don’t you recall offering me money?”

  Apparently, she didn’t see the parallel. “You need it to pay your debts.”

  “Maybe he’s thinking that starting out in business, there’s a lot you could do with extra money.”

  She ignored that and rested her arms on the large purse in her lap. Her lips trembled and she grabbed a tissue from the box in the console. “What a mess!” she said. “I haven’t cried this much since high school.”

  He put a hand to her knee in comfort. “Sandy, I’m sorry. I know how hard your life has been, but it could go really well from here. Harry seems like such a good guy—apart from the past. Maybe he’s wised up and just wants his family back together.”

  Noisy sobs issued from her but Hunter went on intrepidly. “Think about it. You’re no longer the girl whose father walked away when she was 14. You’re the woman whose father came back to reclaim her and her mother. Sure, your husband left, but he sounds like a jerk anyway. So you’re reborn, sort of.”

  Her tear-filled eyes gazed into his while she thought through his words.

  “Zoey and Addie get a grandfather, and your mother has her entire life restored to her. It’s a win-win, Sandy.”

  “I want to be generous, I really do. I’m sure I’ll get over the shock and we’ll all deal with one another civilly, but I’ll never feel that...that adoration for my father that I felt before he left. Or my mother. I mean...she cheated on him with another man. That’s shocking to me.”

  Sandy saw that a line was forming at the coffee cart and she opened her door. “I’ve got to go.”

  Hunter got out of the car and walked around to take her hand and help her out. Rain quickly soaked his shirt. Her jacket became drenched. Still, he had things to tell her.

  “You know,” he said, “adoration of parents is for children. I figure you aren’t a worthy offspring unless you can know all sides of your parents, good and bad, and love them anyway. Mostly, they do their best for us, and all they want is that we love them and remember, when they’re old, that they did what they could for us. Your father left—that was bad. But when he stayed away, it was because he simply didn’t know what to do. Haven’t you ever felt like that?” That notion seemed foreign to her, so he smiled inside and changed tack. “Don’t try to find him worthy of your adoration before you let him back into your life. Love him for what he is—a flawed human being like the rest of us. He just wants to be your dad again.”

  She considered that, then made a face at him. “You know, half the time, I try to avoid you. Then, invariably, something happens that puts you in my path. I want to shake you because you’re so kind and charming, but you keep this distance that’s hard to bridge. But, every once in a while...” She sighed and hesitated as rain continued to pour down on them. “You make sense, and I hate that I can’t get you to see how great it would be to be...us.”

  It would. But, then, he’d be hijacking the future she’d worked hard for, and he wouldn’t do that.

  She wanted him to confirm that he understood. Instead, he turned her toward the cart. “You’d better go.” Horns were honking. “Your customers sound impatient.”

  * * *

  DEFLATED AND DEMORALIZED, Sandy ran up the steps and let herself into the cart. She was completely surprised to find mild chaos and major hostility. Terri and Calli shouted at each other as each made drinks, took money, counted change.

  “I’m the one who invited him to have a mocha.” That was Terri. Sandy concluded she must be talking about Ryan.

  “Well, it isn’t my fault that he came to the window I’m working, is it?” Calli responded. She’d lost her usually adult cool in teen sarcasm.

  “You didn’t have to hang out the window to make sure he saw you.”

  Terri’s emphasis
on saw you suggested Calli’s more impressive proportions. “We don’t usually drop our customers’ drinks on their heads. I just reached down to put it in his hand.”

  “We had customers lined up and you were running off at the mouth.”

  Momentarily stunned by the goings on, Sandy watched the two girls bump into and bounce off each other as they reached for the right product. Usually when they worked together, their moves appeared choreographed. Neither girl had noticed Sandy was in the cart.

  “I wasn’t. He asked me when rehearsal was and I told him.”

  “You’ve been trying to get him away from me...”

  “Terri, you don’t have him. Ryan and I both love drama, and because we’re both in community theater this summer we’ve discovered that we have a lot in common. He likes me. You’ll just have to deal...”

  “He doesn’t like you. You just push yourself on him, and when he can’t get away, you tell yourself he likes you.”

  The awkward dance of coffee production stopped as the girls confronted each other. Terri went on. “How could he like you? You’re...” Gesturing toward Calli with a cup of raspberry syrup, Terri groped for the right word.

  “What?” Calli demanded, her face reddening. “Fat? You think he couldn’t like me because I’m overweight? Guys are getting smarter than that. He’s smarter than that.” Calli held a sixteen-ounce cup of Snickers Frost, complete with whipped cream, and threw the entire thing in Terri’s face. There was a screech, a quickly penitent “Oh, my God!” and both girls stood still, hands to their faces.

  Sandy sprang into action. “That’s enough!” she whisper-shouted. “Everyone out there can hear this childish argument. Calli, remake that frost right now. Terri, wash your face and clean up this mess. The three of us are going to have a serious discussion about this as soon as the lineup clears. Do you both understand me?”