Play With Me

by Ananth

  We drove around almost aimlessly, eating our sandwiches in silence. Finally, Nat turned to me and said, ‘Sid, I don’t want to go back home. Can I stay with you tonight?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Can we go back now?’

  ‘Okay,’ I replied.

  Parking the car in my spot outside my apartment building, I came around and opened the door for Nat. She stepped out of the car and gave me a hug. ‘Thank you for dinner,’ she mumbled into my neck. I stood there holding her for as long as she seemed to need it, then walked her to the lift and up to my apartment. When I opened the door and stepped in it seemed unusually silent. Considering it was always like that when I came back home alone, I wondered if it was merely reflecting the sombre mood we were in.

  ‘Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back in a minute,’ I told Nat, and quickly went into the guest bedroom to make sure everything was all right. I switched on the lights and gave the room a once-over. Everything was neatly in its place. I briefly wondered if she might hate the colour scheme, which was almost no colour at all – pale yellow sheets and green pillow covers. I walked into the bathroom, flushed the toilet and then came back and stood by the bed, hoping the apartment would pass the test and make her feel welcome.

  When I returned to the living room, I found her sitting on the sofa, with the television playing on mute. I walked up to her and asked, ‘You need anything?’

  ‘A drink,’ she replied.

  I smiled. That was a good sign. From the time we had left her house she hadn’t brought up the baby thing at all, and though it was evident she was very upset, she seemed to be handling it well. I guessed that all she had needed was a shoulder to lean on, considering her husband wasn’t around. Nat had an indomitable spirit; she would be fine. I fixed our drinks and, walking back to the sofa, handed her a glass.

  ‘Do you have any milk?’

  I was surprised by that question. ‘I might. I haven’t been home in a week but I can check.’

  ‘Will you, please? I like a glass of warm milk before I go to bed.’

  The fridge did have an unopened tetrapack and I flipped it to find, fortunately, that the dates were fine and I could use it.

  ‘Yes, we have milk,’ I told her, and walked into the kitchen.

  ‘Not right now. Just before I go to bed, please,’ she called out from the living room.

  Not sure whether I should put the milk back in the fridge until then or leave it on the kitchen counter, I stood there thinking. What I really wanted to do was take care of Nat and make sure she was comfortable. It wasn’t the same thing as looking after Nat, my colleague from work. I was actually enjoying having a wonderful woman at home to care for. I turned to look at her – there she was, sitting on the couch, her legs tucked under her, nursing her drink. Having her there seemed perfectly natural, like she belonged in this house.

  ‘Sid, what are you still doing there?’ she asked.

  ‘Coming,’ I replied. Leaving the milk on the counter and an empty pan on the stove, I walked back to the sofa and sat down next to her. The TV was still on mute, tuned to the Discovery channel.

  ‘Do you want to watch something else?’

  ‘No, this is fine,’ I replied, trying to be agreeable.

  ‘Are you being agreeable? Sorry to disappoint you but I am not dying,’ she said, slapping me on my thigh, and I could see that she was smiling.

  That made me smile too.

  We sat there nursing our drinks for the better part of an hour. Bored with the same show, she started flipping channels until she stopped at a home-shopping network that was trying to sell weight-loss tea. We both laughed at the before and after images of men with humongous potbellies, and the overenthusiastic voice-over that seemed to suggest that all of life’s problems could be solved with just one sip. She changed the channels again, her fingers stilling when an ad for baby diapers began playing. She let the ad play and then abruptly got up and walked into the bedroom. I wasn’t sure if I should follow her but a little while later I ventured into the room and found her sitting on the edge of the bed, blankly staring at the cupboards.

  Not sure what I was supposed to do, I said, ‘I am going to get you your milk,’ and left without waiting for a reply. When I came back with it I found her lying down.

  ‘Nat, milk.’

  She sat up and drank half the glass.

  I reached for the glass to take it back to the kitchen, but she put it on the side table instead, and said, ‘Leave it. I’ll drink this later.’

  ‘Will you be fine?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I am right across the corridor, call me if you need anything. Okay?’

  She nodded listlessly in response and I kissed her on the forehead before shutting the door behind me and going into my bedroom. I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. It must have been an hour or maybe more after that when I thought I heard something and opened my eyes to see Nat standing by the bed.

  ‘Nat? Do you need something?’ I asked, worried.

  She didn’t respond.

  ‘Nat?’ I asked again, sitting up.

  Without uttering a single word she shucked off her jeans, then pulled off her t-shirt and stood there in just her white panties. Even in the dark I could make out the contours of her body and she was a sight to behold.

  ‘I don’t want to sleep alone tonight, Sid,’ she began and, before I could say anything, she got into bed beside me. ‘Hold me, please?’

  As confused as I was I did just that. She turned on her side, pulled my hand forward and wrapped it around her so we were spooning. I was uncomfortably aroused and embarrassed by the thought that she would know that I was turned on at a time when she was so miserable. It wasn’t the same thing as being with Cara, who, in such a situation, would start stroking me as a prelude to some mind-blowing sex. All evening I had been battling thoughts; it was wonderful to have someone to take care of. Was I finally beginning to seek companionship? Why did taking care of Nat and her physical presence in my home make me feel a lot more comfortable than when I was with Cara?

  But this was not right. Nat was married. What was worse was that I was loving this so much that I selfishly wanted to seize the opportunity with both hands. I could tell that she had fallen asleep. Her breathing had become even and I could feel her body loosen up as she burrowed deeper into me. I reached for the air-conditioner remote, made the room cooler and snuggled deeper into the bed, holding her tightly, and willed myself to sleep.

  Tomorrow was going to be a new morning, unlike any other.

  21

  She was still asleep when I woke up. I slid out of bed and into the bathroom, took a very quick shower, pulled on some clothes, and came back into the room. She was awake by then.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘You smell good.’

  ‘Do you want some coffee?’ I asked, glancing in her direction, trying not to look at her body.

  ‘Sid? Come here.’

  I walked over to her side, knowing full well that if it came to the inevitable, I would give in meekly. Willingly. She stood up and, holding my face in her hands, leaned towards me. We kissed. I had one arm around her and with my free hand I moved her hair away from her face. The kiss was slow and gentle, gradually stoking my desire.

  ‘Will you make love to me?’ she whispered.

  Wordlessly I pushed her back down on to the bed and kissed her hungrily. I moved down her body, kissing her neck, laving her collarbone and finally stopped at her nipple, rolling my wet tongue around, licking, sucking slowly.

  She moaned loudly and raked her nails down my back. ‘Take your clothes off,’ she growled, yanking at my t-shirt.

  I stood up and stripped while she took off her panties. She slid back up against the pillows and as I lay down on top of her she spread her legs to make room for me. Holding my weight off her on one hand, I touched her face with the other, hesitating a bit as I looked into her eyes, almost seeking permission. She kissed me again, as if
to say, ‘Let’s do this.’

  ‘Are you sure, Nat?’

  ‘Yes.’

  She reached down and curled her fingers around my throbbing cock and guided me into her, thrusting her hips upwards as I entered her swiftly.

  It felt like the first few moments after you dive head first into a warm swimming pool, the water enveloping you comfortingly, your body moving rhythmically, pushing further, feeling triumph in every thrust. Using your breath carefully, arms held against the body, paddling with your feet and moving like an aquatic creature until your lungs clamour for more air and you look up at the light cutting through the ripples and head towards it, pushing yourself up, through the surface and into the air, to take in another gulp of air, only to dive back in again and move within the water. It felt beautiful. Neither of us wanted to take control and yet both of us knew the next move. When I turned to lie down on my back, she moved with me, making sure we didn’t lose each other, and began to ride me, her belly rubbing against mine, her breasts tantalizingly close to my mouth. I kneaded her ass as she rode me, pulling her down so I could suck on her nipples. When she realized I was going to come she held on to my neck and lay down flat on top of me as I grabbed her hips and thrust into her faster.

  ‘Oh! Yes, Sid, yes! Ah! ’

  Holding her tight I flipped her on to her back and began pounding into her. Her lips curved into the barest hint of a smile as she closed her eyes and turned her face to one side. I lay down on her, my cheek against hers and suddenly, almost without warning, came inside her.

  ‘I love you, Nat,’ I whispered, surprising myself.

  ‘I love you too,’ she said and wrapped her arms around my neck.

  She held me tight until my body stopped trembling. When it did, we looked into each others’ eyes and, without saying a word, we kissed again.

  ‘I love you,’ she whispered. ‘Stay in me.’

  We lay like that until our breathing stilled. I pushed myself off her and she got up and went into the bathroom. I stood up, pulled on my clothes, picked hers off the floor, put her jeans on the bed along with a fresh shirt of mine and left the room. Shutting the door behind me, I went to the kitchen and made myself some coffee. She came out a couple of minutes later, her hair wet from the bath, dressed in my shirt and her jeans. As soon as she caught my eye I returned her smile and looked for any signs of how she was feeling.

  ‘Coffee?’

  ‘Yes.’ She walked over to where I had parked myself on a bar stool by the kitchen counter and gave me a warm hug. ‘Can I make one myself?’

  ‘Of course.’

  She brought her coffee back to the counter and, pulling another stool alongside mine, said, ‘I’d like to stay here a couple of days, if that’s okay.’

  ‘Of course, Nat,’ I replied, trying to hide my puzzlement about where this was going. But my expression must have given it away because she reached over and, covering my hand with hers, said, ‘I don’t want to be anywhere else, definitely not my place.’

  I was both happy and nervous. She still didn’t know that Cara and I were . . . involved, and I felt terrible about not telling her but this definitely wasn’t the time to. It would shatter her. The thought that she might find out filled me with dread. I took a long swig of coffee and tried not to think about what all this meant.

  ‘Nat, stay for as long as you want,’ I reassured her. And I meant it.

  She smiled. ‘Can you go to my flat and bring me something to wear?’

  ‘Sure.’

  After a breakfast of eggs and toast that she put together, I drove to her place. It felt strange walking into her house again, this time without her in it. I stood still for a few minutes after I entered, taking in the house, noticing things I hadn’t yesterday. The tasteful décor, the colour-coordinated furnishings, the warm and comforting feeling that enveloped a person. I walked into her – their – bedroom and, opening the wardrobe, noticed she didn’t share it with her husband. I realized how well I knew her when I found myself recognizing her favourite outfits from the ones she wore to work. Packing her lingerie was one of my most erotic experiences ever (other than watching Cara in the rain). Nat’s choice of underwear was a bit conservative for me. The brands weren’t ones I recognized and, well, seemed one size too large. The panties, I mean. I packed her bras and, on the way back home, stopped to buy two packs of six panties each from an M&S store at the mall.

  Later that evening, when we sat down to eat, she mentioned them.

  ‘Thank you!’

  ‘You don’t have to say that, Nat! I thought we decided we weren’t going to talk about things.’

  ‘No, this is for buying me something.’

  I felt quite sheepish and even a little embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry, I was uncomfortable packing them and thought I’d rather buy them,’ I lied.

  ‘You don’t have to apologize. It was very sweet of you,’ she said, and added with a twinkle, ‘just that I would’ve bought them a size larger.’ She knew.

  ‘Oh!’

  ‘It’s okay, Sid, not your fault. You couldn’t possibly know that what looks sexy and what’s comfortable are entirely different things. ‘But . . . erm . . . I don’t mind sexy.’ She smiled.

  We spent the weekend like that, consciously allowing the unspoken to take prominence, not taking the chance of vocabulary ruining a series of moments, some of them startling and intensely physical. Sometimes it was something as simple as walking over to the balcony, seeing her standing there alone, and holding her. We made love too, often; sex that transcended physical need, where the body was merely a medium for expressing a joy deeper than happiness, and pleasure merely a window to greater fulfilment. The sex was gentle and respectful, yet liberating and guilt-free. Often a single touch or smile would lead to love-making.

  She’d be watching television and at some point one of us would reach out and touch a finger, or stroke an arm. She knew I hated it but she’d still ruffle my hair. Once she was lying down with her head on my lap, reading a book. I was engrossed in a complicated level of Angry Birds on the iPad. Suddenly she grabbed the device from my hand, saying, ‘You are being a bore.’ I bent down and kissed her, until just kisses weren’t enough.

  It was Friday night when I had brought her home and when I woke up to the sun in the room on Monday morning, with her next to me in the bed, I realized these had been the happiest two days of my life. It felt like we had been together an eternity. As I drank my coffee, I wondered how I would live with the fact that she would eventually walk out of my apartment and return to her life. Would our lives go back to the way they were? The thought brought Cara to mind and I wondered why I hadn’t heard from her since I left Goa. Not that I had made any attempts to call her either. Considering she was with Rhea, she probably didn’t need me. I definitely didn’t need her.

  When Nat walked out of the bedroom, dressed and ready for work, she found me at the dining table, mug in hand, smiling to myself.

  ‘Someone seems pleased,’ she remarked.

  I looked at her and noticed that she had also packed her bag. She came up to me and gave me a hug. I closed my eyes and soaked in the moment.

  ‘I don’t want to but I have to go.’

  ‘I know. I hate it!’

  ‘I hate it too. See you in office.’

  And as I sat there she picked up her bag and walked out of the door, turning briefly to smile before the door shut behind her.

  I let my head hit the wooden table with a thud.

  22

  After that weekend I began to feel awkward around Nat, something I hadn’t quite anticipated. Things had changed between us. She must have noticed it too and though it took her quite some time to come and talk to me about this, she was the one to do it. I was a coward.

  A week later she came by my room one evening on her way out.

  ‘Got a minute?’

  ‘Yup.’ I came around my desk and stood leaning against it while she shut the door and walked up to me.

  ‘How a
re you, Sid?’

  ‘Good. Good,’ I repeated.

  ‘Are you sure? You haven’t been yourself this past week, especially with me. Sid? Do we need to talk?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘This is what I was afraid of. Well, since you’re clearly not going to, can I say something?’

  I nodded.

  ‘What happened between us was beautiful but I know you think it was something I did because I needed it . . . and you have every right to judge me . . .’

  ‘No, Nat.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said, letting out a sigh and reaching for my hand, ‘at least you are talking now. Please, tell me what you’re thinking.’

  ‘Nothing,’ I ran a hand through my hair, ‘I hate not knowing where this is headed, if at all—’

  ‘I didn’t say that—’

  I was surprised. ‘Then what are you saying?’

  She took a deep breath. ‘All I am saying is that I trusted you, and let myself be weak and needy with you. I don’t know what this means but I don’t want to lose you to unnecessary rational thought. Please, will you just be there for me as you always have . . .’

  I didn’t know what to say to her. Nothing made sense any more.

  ‘I am sorry if I have been strange, Nat, but I lie awake wondering what’s going to happen . . .’ I turned away from her.

  ‘Sid, don’t do that!’ She walked around and stood in front of me again.

  I held her by her shoulders. ‘No pressure, but you dug a hook pretty deep into me, I think. Sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be. This is difficult for me.’

  I wrapped my arms around her and pressed my face into her neck.

  ‘Me too.’

  She slapped my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes, smiled and said, ‘Bullshit. I am the one who is married.’

  ‘That’s what’s difficult,’ I joked.

  ‘Oh Sid!’ she said, hugging me back tightly. ‘See, that’s why I like you so much. But can we please let this be? Sometimes it’s best to just let things alone and not complicate them with expectations and labels. And I want to believe that we can continue to be ourselves when we want to be. You know what I mean?’