Truly Madly Famously

by Rebecca Serle

“No,” he says. He looks straight at me. “You do.”

  I turn away from the railing and go inside. Rainer pivots to watch me. I take a seat on the couch where we’ve spent so much time—me in his lap, reading lines, kissing, becoming what we are.

  “I keep thinking this is all going to make sense,” I say. “That I’m just going to have the answer.”

  “Maybe that’s not the point,” he says. He’s leaning against the sliding door, backlit by moonlight, and I’m struck once again by how beautiful he is. “Love doesn’t have to make sense.”

  I look up at him. “Sit with me?”

  He does.

  I take his hand.

  “You mean so much to me,” I say. “In some ways more than anyone who I’ve ever known. Rainer, I owe you everything. I don’t know who I am in this world without you by my side.”

  Rainer squeezes my hand. “That’s not true anymore,” he says. “We both know that.”

  I take a deep breath. “Maybe, maybe not. But I also know that we both have things to figure out still. I feel like we’ve been in this holding pattern for so long now. And I don’t think either one of us wants to be here anymore. You’ve been so patient with me, Rainer, but you shouldn’t be.” I inhale and force the next words out. “You need to let me go.”

  Rainer keeps tight to my hand. His tone is soft, not a trace of bitterness. “So you’ve made your choice, then.”

  “This isn’t about Jordan,” I say. “This is about us. You and me.”

  “I liked when there was a you and me.” He smiles at me—it’s small, sad, but still radiant. Still him.

  “Me too,” I say. “There still can be. Just not the way—”

  “I want.”

  “I was going to say the way it used to be. Rainer, you have been so wonderful to me. You were the best boyfriend.”

  He snorts. “My track record would beg to differ.”

  “Not true. I’d never be where I am without you. Britney wouldn’t, either.”

  He looks at me but doesn’t say anything.

  “I know you feel responsible for her. But your dad’s mistakes aren’t your own. You can’t hold up the world, Rainer. You’re not Superman.”

  “Well, actually,” he says, “I am.”

  “Real life, Rainer.”

  “Oh right, that.” He shrugs at me.

  “You need to forgive yourself for what happened,” I say.

  He exhales. When he speaks, it’s quiet, reserved. “I don’t think I know how.”

  “You’ll learn,” I say. “I’ll help you.”

  He picks his gaze up to meet mine. “Tomorrow is our first day of filming,” he says.

  In the midst of Alexis’s arrival, I’d forgotten. He’s right. We start Locked in Love in the morning.

  “Thank you for being my Noah,” I say.

  “Always.”

  We sit side by side in silence. I hear the waves crashing—irregular, unpredictable, and yet still eternal. Nothing can stop the ebb and flow of the tide, the pull of the undertow. It’s a force bigger than anything we could hope to understand or control. Maybe love is the same way. Maybe Rainer is right—love doesn’t have to make sense. The only thing I know for sure about love is that it does not die. I know because I’ve tried to kill it. I’ve tried and I’ve failed.

  I touch the cowrie shell at my neck. The one Rainer gave me all those months ago. Back when he was asking me to be his. And I know, in some ways, I always will be. We’re August and Noah. He’s the one she chooses. Their story will live on far beyond us. We’ll be together, somewhere, forever.

  The next morning, five AM, I’m headed down to the hair and makeup suite. Sandy came in last night, and I run into her in the lobby. She yawns and offers up her Starbucks cup in a wave. I signal back. I’m feeling good this morning, calm. Like the world is the way it’s supposed to be. We’re back where we’re supposed to be. I’m hoping one thing in particular hasn’t changed. And when I fling the door open, I see that I’m right.

  “It’s about time, honey girl,” Lillianna says. She doesn’t get up; she just holds out her arms, and I leap into them.

  “You’re here!” I yell.

  “Of course, baby,” Lillianna says. “I wouldn’t desert you.”

  Lillianna has been working in hair and makeup in Hawaii for almost fifty years. I spent every single day with her while filming Locked. Man, I’ve missed her.

  She pats the chair. “Get in here,” she says. “We got our work to do today. Have you used a brush since you left this island?”

  “Barely.”

  Lillianna winks at me. “I know. I’ve seen the pictures. You and Jordan, huh?”

  I shake my head. “You’re already trying to get the dirt?”

  “Honey, if the sun ain’t up, it doesn’t count.”

  I think about my sister’s tabloid confession, and I know, in the deepest part of my heart, that Lillianna would never do that. But I also can’t bring myself to tell her what happened last night between Rainer and me. It feels precious, special—ours. I remember what Jordan told me on the beach so many months ago. That this life is hard, that the media will go in search of anything and everything. That you have to keep what’s yours sacred.

  Lillianna eyes me when I keep quiet. “Well, if you’re not going to dish the dirt, at least tell me what it’s like being America’s Sweetheart.”

  “I’m hardly their sweetheart, and we both know that.”

  Lillianna grunts behind me, twisting my hair around a curling iron. “That’s your own fault,” she says. “Why don’t you give those cameras a flash of teeth?”

  I twist around to look at her. She chucks my chin. “Lillianna, if you keep giving me unsolicited paparazzi advice, I’m going to be late to set.”

  “Wouldn’t be the first time,” she says. But she unfolds her makeup bag, and then she’s putting on foundation with a small, wet brush.

  “Did I ever tell you about the time Mr. Fred Astaire tried to win my hand?” she asks me. “I figure if you don’t talk about your romantic life, at least we can talk about mine.”

  I laugh. I never know if Lillianna’s stories from old Hollywood are real or not, but it actually doesn’t matter. As I listen to her familiar throaty voice fill me in on her romantic past, I can’t help but feel at peace. A weight has been lifted this morning. I feel free for the first time in a long time. Like my life belongs to me alone.

  I finish up with Lillianna and then head to the soundstage. Rainer is waiting when I get there. He’s a different Noah at the end of this movie—cleaned up, transformed—and when I look at him, it’s almost like I’m seeing someone else entirely, someone new.

  “Good morning,” he says.

  “Hey.”

  He gives me a slow smile that seems to convey everything I might possibly need to hear from him. It will all be okay.

  Jessica bounds over a moment later, holding out a cup of coffee. He takes it. “You’re the best,” he tells her. I see her grin at him and say something into her headset, scurrying off.

  I look from Jessica to Rainer. And then I’m pushing past him to follow her to the craft service table.

  “You want a cup?” she says, bobbing a tea bag into a mug.

  I shake my head. “Jessica,” I say. “Wyatt isn’t back on this movie.”

  She looks around frantically before cracking a smile. “Wait, he’s not?”

  “We all love you,” I say, “and we’re so glad you’re here. I just have to figure there is a reason you’re not back with Wyatt on his next project.” I think about Jessica at our press events, Jessica in Tokyo. Jessica back here, now.

  She blushes. “I love these movies,” she says, smoothing back her hair. “You know that.”

  I glance over my shoulder to see Rainer goofing around with the sound guys. I smile. I could see it.

  “Yeah,” I say. “I do.”

  “Isn’t anyone working around here?”

  I spin to see Sandy standing next to us. Sh
e’s wearing—wait for it—an actual printed sundress. Blue flowers and all. Color. I’m so stunned, I’m speechless.

  “What are you two chatting about?” she asks.

  “Our once director,” I say quickly.

  “Ah, Wyatt,” Sandy says. “I prefer not to think of him as once so much as future.”

  “Is this about to get personal?” I ask her. Is she finally going to confess she and Wyatt are an item?

  “For you, maybe,” she says. She crosses her arms. “Guess who just signed on for Closer to Heaven and wants you for his leading lady?”

  I gape at her. “Are you serious?”

  “As a sunburn. You start directly after Locked wraps. Congrats, PG.”

  I jump and hug her. Jessica claps next to me. “Yay!” she says, bouncing on her toes.

  “What’s all the fuss?” Rainer asks, coming up to us.

  “I got Closer, and Wyatt’s directing,” I tell him.

  A wide smile breaks out on his face. “Nice,” he says. We stand there, grinning at each other, until Alfonso comes onto the soundstage and calls us to begin.

  I felt so out of place when I first got here. I was terrified one wrong move would send me straight back to Portland. But that’s not true anymore. There is a solid center to this life now. A core that is tangible and steady and unwavering.

  This is where I belong. And just like I’m okay without Rainer, I’m also okay without Wyatt. I know August. She’s a part of me. I can play her by heart.

  Alexis and Jordan join us on set, and Alfonso directs the four of us through our first scene. Like in rehearsals, he’s sharp, but he’s also kind. I see his attention to detail is not the move of a control freak but of someone deeply invested in a vision for this film. He wants what we all want: to make something spectacular.

  Alfonso expects more from us because we can give him more. We’re older now. We’re not the same people who came to this set more than a year ago.

  We’ve been to the MTV Movie Awards. We’ve traveled the world. We’ve fallen in love and gotten back up again. And, perhaps most important, we’ve seen these stories through. We know how they end now. Who August chooses. I think she got it right, in the end. Maybe I will, too.

  CHAPTER 21

  The month flies by. It’s so much fun having Alexis on set. She’s silly and goofy, but beyond that, she’s a great actress. We play off each other easily, and, man, does it feel nice to not be the newbie anymore. I like that I can be the one to help someone else through this massive movie.

  I like that I know what time the sun rises and how to get Leilani, who works craft services, to pick up the good sticky buns (bribe her with Rainer time). I like that I know where the editing room is, how to get on Gillian’s good side, and that you can never tell whether or not it’s going to rain. I love that I know Rainer’s and Jordan’s tells. That Rainer bounces on set when he’s nervous or we’re doing a big scene. That Jordan gets quiet, insular. That when he isn’t talking, it means he’s thinking and he just wants to be left alone.

  Alfonso is incredibly talented, and the more we get to know him, the more he reveals a warmth that Wyatt, despite how much I love him, never had. He’s collaborative. I understand now that part of the reason he won’t tell us exactly what to do is that he knows this movie is ours as much as it is his.

  But it’s only for a month. And then we’re packing up. Rainer and Alexis back to L.A., and Jordan and me to Seattle. They’ll be in and out of this shoot, but for the most part, it’s Jordan and me.

  “I can’t believe we’re leaving already,” I say at dinner on our last night. The four of us are out. Tourists have camera phones angled toward us, but from our favorite table at Longhi’s, the one in the corner Rainer and I sat at together so long ago, they may be snapping photos of the ocean. “It feels like we just got back here.”

  “There is always movie three,” Jordan says.

  Rainer leans forward on his elbows. “Same place, different time.”

  “I just want to stay,” Alexis says. She has a long white dress on (something she bought for me, and now exclusively wears), and she’s sitting with her legs curled up under her. I admire her courage more than I could possibly ever tell her. It’s true that the outside world has infiltrated our little island paradise. The press surrounding Alexis has been both radiant and condemning. They have applauded her bravery but hammered her about lying and dating Jordan. Jordan is being cast, predictably, as a bad-boy runaway, scorned by both Alexis and me, not to mention the lingering Britney theories, and Greg and Rainer are still duking it out daily. Ironically, between the four of us, I currently have the best public persona. Nothing stays the same.

  “Time to face the music, I guess,” Alexis says.

  Rainer puts a hand on her shoulder. “I’m with ya.”

  Jordan looks at me. For maybe the billionth time since that day on the beach I feel the anticipation rise up in my stomach like bubbles to the top of a champagne bottle. Ready to burst. All that is still to come. All the things we haven’t yet said. What it will be like when it’s just the two of us, the thing it feels like I’ve been waiting forever for.

  Rainer checks his phone. “I gotta run,” he says. He takes another sip of water and then motions for the waiter. “I got this,” he says. “Sorry to jet.”

  “Last-minute packing?” I ask.

  I know Rainer is a terrible packer. On tour, I used to do most of it for him.

  He pushes his lips to the side. “Nah. That’s what tomorrow is for. I said I’d meet Jessica for a drink.” He gazes down at me. There is so much in his eyes. Tenderness. Forgiveness. Friendship. Love, too.

  I smile. “Cool.”

  He leans down and kisses my cheek, and for a moment Jordan and Alexis aren’t there. It’s just me and Rainer, redefining, refiguring, ending up somewhere close to where we started.

  “Jessica, huh?” Alexis says once he’s gone.

  I take a sip of iced tea. “Yeah,” I say. “Jessica.” It stings, a little, but so what. It’s supposed to. I don’t think you go from dating someone to having absolutely no feelings. The important thing is focusing on the ones that matter. Like being happy for him. I’m choosing to give that emotion more weight. And she’s good for him. I see him calmer, happier, more himself. He’s more authentic. He doesn’t have to be a celebrity with her, and I think that’s exactly what he needs. All this time Jordan and I have been figuring out how to be comfortable in the spotlight; what Rainer really needed was to figure out how to be comfortable out of it.

  Alexis stretches. “All right, kids,” she says. “All of this doesn’t come free. I need sleep.”

  I stand up and give her a hug. “I’ll see you back in L.A.,” I say.

  “Don’t unpack your swimsuit. We’re spending every waking moment in Malibu.”

  I roll my eyes. “The more things change,” I say.

  “The more they stay at beach houses in the Colony.” She leans in close to me. “Courage, young grasshopper,” she says into my ear. And then, to Jordan, “Miss me daily.”

  “I’ll do my best,” he says.

  We wave her off. “Fly safe,” Jordan calls after her, but she already feels a million miles away. It’s just us now. The air is tense. It crackles. I swear I can almost see it spark.

  “Do you want to take a walk?” he asks me.

  “Yes.”

  We head down to the beach. It’s dark, but the full moon has created a silver pattern on the sand.

  “It’s so beautiful here,” I say.

  “It is.”

  We’re whispering. The night feels so still, so quiet, that if we spoke at volume, our words would be carried away. And I don’t want them to be, not this time. I want us to be exactly here now.

  “Come on,” Jordan says.

  We start to walk. Past the place where I first saw Jordan, his back to me, taking in the ocean. Past the cabana where he first kissed me, the stretch of ocean where he saved my life when I got pulled out by the cu
rrent during a morning swim.

  “Do you remember what you said to me that first day on the beach?” I ask him.

  “When I saved you from drowning?” Jordan has a half smile on his face. I see his eyes, his scar, his lips, all perfectly. It’s like the spotlight of the moon is fixed on us alone. “Not really. Stuff about water safety, I hope. You didn’t know a thing about the ocean.”

  “Not quite,” I say. “You told me that there were things in my life the press was going to try to take away and that I had to work to not let that happen. You said I needed to protect what was sacred.”

  Jordan stops walking. He turns to me. “I guess that didn’t really work out so well,” he says. “They took Rainer from you, and your privacy, and—”

  “Jordan.” I’m edging closer to him. I can see the gold flecks in his eyes—like shooting stars in the darkness. “I didn’t know what was sacred to me then; that was the whole point. But I do now.”

  “And?”

  “You.”

  Jordan looks like he’s going to speak, but I hold up my hand. I’m not done. I need to say this. All of it.

  “For a really long time I avoided the way I feel about you. Because I didn’t want to hurt Rainer, and I didn’t want to hurt some idea we’ve created in the world about who we are. I thought it would be too hard. But we’re going to keep changing, and just because we’re doing it in front of so many people doesn’t mean we don’t get the same rights everyone else does. I don’t want to live a lie, Jordan. Especially not with that many people watching. I want to be honest, with myself and everyone else.” I take a deep breath. “The truth is that I love you. Underneath everything else, I love you.”

  “You love me?”

  “Yes,” I say. “You know that.”

  Jordan runs a hand over his chin. “You know we’d be followed by camera crews incessantly. They’d say you’re fickle, that I betrayed my best friend.…”

  “Yeah?”

  Jordan drops his hand. I see him looking at me with a smirk I recognize well. A little side smile that tells me everything I need to know. That look on his face, it makes my heart feel like a creature all its own. That it could scramble straight out of my body if it wanted to, that’s how alive it feels. “Most people would say that’s reason enough not to be together.”