Dare To Love Again

by Silver, Jordan

  I couldn’t hold back the scream of despair, but even then, I was quick enough to make it appear to be one of joy and excitement while I died inside. I hated since that moment with an unbridled resentment that has never waned. If I could’ve killed her, I would’ve in those first few days after the engagement. She was all he could talk about, the man who ate, slept, and breathed business was acting like a lovesick schoolboy over someone as unworthy as her.

  He’ll never know how many times I died inside, seeing the two of them together. How much I ached each time, I saw him hold her hand or touch her in some way as if he couldn’t help himself, not even when others were around. I hid my hate well, but thoughts of how to get rid of her were never far from my mind.

  I was giddy for days after I found her mother, and it didn’t take me long to figure out why she’d kept her family a secret. If anyone hated her more than me, it was the woman who gave birth to her. I reveled in that hate and couldn’t wait to stir the pot. At first, the most I could hope for was that the mother would cause drama in their marriage, disrupt their lives to the point where Calen and especially his mother would have enough.

  So imagine my surprised pleasure when Ann assured me that she would be getting her daughter away from Calen. At the time, I couldn’t see how, but the other woman was adamant that she could do it, and it wasn’t long before the divorce happened. It was all I could do to hide my glee back then, but I had to play the part of the aggrieved friend.

  I held his hand and was there as a shoulder to lean on and was very pleased when he said he didn’t need one. He’d gone right back to being the way he was before, something I now see may not have been a good sign. But at the time, all I could think about was biding my time once again. I couldn’t allow anyone else to come in between us again, so I stuck close to him, leaving no space for anyone else to intrude.

  For two years, he didn’t stray even a little bit, something else that should’ve been a warning sign. I thought the man I knew was strong enough to be over a little nobody like her. Why did she have to come back now and with a child, a son? I know Calen; even if he hates her guts, he’d never let go of his child.

  But now he knows the truth, doesn’t he? The truth about my part in splitting them up in the past? So what? It was her decision to leave; I didn’t force her. I dropped down on a chair but jumped right back up again. I can’t sit still; I need to know how things are going. It was my last shot at happiness, and I had to take it. There was no reason for Calen to see my hand in it this time, either. Hadn’t the bitch left once before? There’s no reason for him to blame me, not if Ann does her job right this time.

  Another look at my watch showed that it was more than two hours since they were supposed to meet. How long will this meeting last? What will be the end result? Maybe I shouldn’t have trusted Ann again; she hadn’t held up her end of the bargain last time. But she was the best shot I had, my only hope.

  I’m sure I can get Calen to come around. He values friendship and loyalty above all else, and of the two of us, she’s the one who left, the one who walked out on him when I never have. I’ve been here the whole time, by his side, through thick and thin. My doorbell went off, and I almost jumped out of my skin as I looked towards the door like it was a foreign object.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have done that last line of coke on an empty stomach, but I needed something to pick me up. I’ve been in hell ever since Calen and his mother kicked me out of his home. That’s why I’d called Ann again straight away instead of thinking of other ways to get back in Calen’s good graces.

  Now I’m not so sure. Maybe I was too hasty? Maybe I should’ve concentrated on gaining his forgiveness and earning his trust again. Maybe I should’ve laid low for a while and then come back at this thing fresh. But the pain and heartache from his rejection had made me muddle-headed, and I hadn’t been thinking clearly. That’s why I’d called Ann and railed at her for not keeping up her end of the bargain.

  But when I realized that she hadn’t known of her daughter’s latest move, I felt real hope again. She was pissed, almost as pissed as me, and her promise to take care of things once and for all had gotten me through the night. I opened the door to see her standing there looking more disheveled than the few times I’d seen her in the past.

  “You, what are you doing…?” I wasn’t expecting the punch to the face, so didn’t brace for it or raise my arm to block it. “What the hell are you doing?” I jumped back to my feet, tasting blood in my mouth but barely feeling the sting from the blow. That was the coke’s effect, I know, but I was grateful for it all the same.

  “You sold me out, you bitch.”

  “What are you talking about? Didn’t you meet your bitch of a daughter at her place? I thought you said…”

  “Calen Addison showed up, her husband, they were never divorced, you lied to me.”

  “What? What nonsense are you saying? Of course, they’re divorced.”

  “Think again, the man himself told me, and I checked in my way over here, something I should’ve done two years ago. There is no divorce on record, which means he was never going to marry you.” She had a smug look on her face as if my pain at hearing those words was somehow pleasing to her. All the rage I’ve held inside for the past twenty-four hours came boiling to the forefront, and I rushed her.

  We ended up rolling around on the floor, pulling each other’s hair out and trying our best to gouge the other’s eyes out. I had one moment of clarity when I realized that I was rolling around on the floor in a most undignified way fighting a woman almost twice my age.

  The realization set in, and I burst into tears. What the hell happened to my life? I heard a voice in the doorway and stopped fighting long enough to glance that way only to get a shock. I tried getting to my feet when I saw Calen standing there. It didn’t matter why he was here, “you came.”

  I started to reach out to him when I made it to the door, but then I saw who else was there, and it felt like the bottom just dropped out. “What are you doing here?” His mom and Giselle were standing there, staring as if I were some anomaly they haven’t ever seen before.

  Calen

  “Nope!” I saw the intent in Dana’s eyes and blocked her when she tried getting past me to my wife. I couldn’t believe that the woman standing in front of me was the same one I’d known for the past fourteen years, give or take. She looked as if she’d aged ten years in the last day or so, and I could tell from her bloodshot eyes and the way she looked around like a cornered rodent that she was high on something.

  I had no words, so I just shook my head in disgust and turned on my heel to leave. I should’ve known these two were up to something when mom nudged Giselle, but my woman is not the confrontational type, at least before today she wasn’t, so I didn’t put two and two together until she ducked under the arm I went to put around her shoulder and rushed towards the doorway where Dana was still standing hurling insults.

  The sound of her hand landing open palm across Dana’s face was loud in the hallway, and she looked just as surprised by the attack as I was. “That’s for my son who you robbed of a whole year of his father’s love. If you come near my family again, I’ll bury you somewhere they’d never find you.” She looked at mom, who gave her a pleased nod and a smile before holding her hand out.

  “Come along, daughter dear, we have a vow renewal ceremony to plan. I think the garden would be perfect, and we’d better get on it right away before my granddaughter gets here. Please let this one be a girl; otherwise, we two Addison women will be outnumbered.”

  From the look on Dana’s face at the words, I’m sure mom deliberately said loud enough for her to hear; there wasn’t much worse I could do to her. When she looked at me, I felt just a little bit sad for the girl I used to know, until my eyes fell on Ann, the woman she’d clasped hands with to destroy my family. “I’ll do you one last favor for old time’s sake. You should leave town before those two come up with ways to run you out of here.”

&n
bsp; I’m pretty sure that that would be mom’s next move. The truth is I was doing this more for my wife and mother than her. While I was busy making calls in the car, those two had had their heads together, and though I’d only caught bits and pieces of their conversation, it was enough to warn me that no good could come from that alliance.

  Not sure I should let my wife hang around mom too much. They were close before, but this time around, they seem to have forged some kind of bond that transcends what they once shared. As much as I don’t give a shit about Dana, I don’t want either of the women I’m responsible for getting their hands dirty on her.

  I spared one glance for Ann, who should be thinking of the shit storm that’s about to fall on her head instead of being here fighting a losing battle. My call in the car was to Silas, who was even now editing the recording from Giselle’s apartment to pass on to the cops.

  I’m not sure if Ann was too far-gone to realize that she’d admitted to killing her husband or if she really believed that I’d hide that shit to spare my family name. Whatever the case, she’s in for a rude awakening. I’d told Silas to put a rush on the recording and send it over to his guy on the force. Now it was time to go introduce my wife to her dad’s old friends and hope that it isn’t too much after the morning she’d had.

  * * *

  GISELLE

  * * *

  I’m so hyped up I can barely sit still. I know had Rebecca not been here, I wouldn’t have been able to do half the things I’ve done in the last coupled of hours… “Wait, I just remembered. Did I hear your right? Did you say that we’re still married? How can that be? I signed the papers and left them.” Just saying the words brought back the pain of that day, and when Calen pulled me in so he could kiss my forehead, I almost broke into tears.

  Rebecca had gone back to her own car and was headed back home while Calen and I were going to what was once my childhood home. “I never signed them.” I pulled back to read his expression, but my mind was too hazy, and my eyes too cloudy to see. Those words carried such meaning that I couldn’t find my own voice. Knowing the kind of man, he is I can only imagine his reasons for not signing.

  “Why?” My voice came out in a hoarse whisper.

  “Because I told you when I asked you to be my wife that it was forever. Have you ever known me to lie?” I ugly cried and buried my face in his chest, begging his forgiveness over and over. Why couldn’t I have been as brave two years ago as I was today? Why did I let my stupid fear rob me, rob us of our life together?

  And now, knowing all that the monster had done, I feel even more upset with myself for letting her win. I said as much to Calen, who stopped me from my self-flagellation. “She didn’t win anything; she just postponed the inevitable. We still have the rest of our lives together while those two have nothing but misery and heartache ahead.”

  “What’s going to happen to them now?”

  “Nothing for you to worry about.”

  “She’s right, you know, something like this might be bad for your business. It’s one of the reasons she was able to convince me to walk away.”

  “That was stupid. For future reference, nothing and no one will ever mean more to me than you and my children. So the next time some idiot tries pulling a fast one over on you, try to remember that. You’re worth more to me than my name or my business, understood.”

  Just hearing those words was like balm to my soul. “Does this mean that you forgive me?”

  “I’m working on it. You did a real number on me, and after learning everything I now know about your mom and Dana, I guess I can understand a little why you did what you did, but it’s going to take some time for me to come to terms with all of it.”

  “I still think you should’ve come to me, and I don’t exactly understand why you didn’t, why you didn’t trust me.”

  “It’s not that; I promise it’s not.” I lifted my head from where he was holding it against his shoulder to look into his eyes, hoping that he could see the truth in mine. “I thought I was protecting you.”

  “I couldn’t remember all of what she’d done, but I was sure that there was something there to fear, and as it turns out, I was right. She would’ve hurt you had I not left and not just the company, but you physically, she said as much.”

  I felt brave enough to cup his cheek without fear of being rebuffed, rejected. And when he kissed my palm, my heart just melted, and for the first time since I came back, I truly felt like things were going to be okay between us. It was almost too much to take in at once, and I broke down in tears.

  “Hey, what is it? Are you okay?” That knee jerk reaction, the way he was always there looking out for me, not wanting anything to touch me in any way if he could prevent it is one of the things I missed most about us. I’m still finding it hard to believe that we’re here like this now, even with all the trauma of the morning and reliving the horror of seeing my dad killed.

  I tensed up at the memory, only now feeling the full effects of that long-ago horror. “You want to talk about it?” That’s something else I missed about him, the way he always seemed able to read my mind. “I remember his laugh, his smell. He was such a good dad, and she robbed me of him. I’d forgotten all the times we’d shared together until now.”

  “After that day, it’s like something switched off in my head, and I couldn’t allow myself to remember anything about him. She kept the rest of my family away from me. I remember my grandmother, an argument they had, but I can’t be sure if that was before or after….”

  “Anyway, my grandma wanted me, she was going to fight for me, but then I was on a plane being sent to the other side of the world, and I never saw anyone again. I had aunts and uncles, I think, but I was too young to remember all of them or who was real and who was just a figment of my imagination. Dad had a lot of friends.”

  I fell silent as I got lost in memory, and he let me. It was all-raw and new to me as the memories came flooding back in. I could feel my dad’s love as of it were somehow new, and the pain of losing him was raw and real as if I were reliving it all over again. I didn’t even realize that I was crying until I felt Calen’s loving arms around me and heard his whispered reassurances in my ear.

  “I’m such a coward. He loved me so much, and I did nothing to preserve his memory. Even now that I know what she’s done, I’m afraid of what it would mean to you and your family if this all gets out. I don’t want you to be hurt by this.”

  “Don’t be silly, and it’s not ‘my’ family, it’s yours too, it’s ours. Whatever we have to face, we’ll face it together. Now wipe your tears; we’re here.”

  We pulled through the gates of a massive estate that looked vaguely familiar. As we drove down the long winding driveway, scenes, and sounds started coming back to me, and once again, I became choked up with emotion. There was a group of people standing out front, but it was the older woman in the wheelchair that drew my eye most of all. “Grand-nana,” The word was a reverent whisper when it left my lips.

  I waited for Calen to help me out of the car, and then we were surrounded. As each person told me their name and reached for my hand, some of them with tears in their eyes, my memory of them came back in bits and pieces. Though I’d been too young to remember them fully, it was enough to know that they had been a part of my life back then.

  I stopped in front of my dad’s mom, not quite knowing what to say, but when she opened her arms, I just fell into them with a deluge of tears. My heart broke into a thousand pieces at the feel of her arms coming around me. I wept for her, and me, and for the man that we both once loved and who had been so heinously taken from us.

  I was vaguely aware of Calen and some of the men talking in hushed whispers but was not yet ready to leave the matronly warmth of my gran’s embrace. It’s only when I heard one of them. I think it’s the one who called himself my uncle Gordon, say that it’s about time, that I tuned back into their conversation.

  “How sure are you that she’s not going to run?”


  “It doesn’t matter if she does; I have someone on her; she won’t get far.”

  “Good, it’s almost over. I never thought I’d live to see the day.” I realized that she had hurt all of these people by what she’d done, not just me. But I’m a part of her, how could they bear…?

  “No little one, whatever you’re imagining that’s putting that look on your face, gets it out of your head. You bear no blame for any of this. Your dad would’ve been so proud of the woman you’ve become. And I hear I have a great-grandson, you must bring him to meet the rest of his family; we must make up for lost time.”

  I smiled through tears at Calen, who watched the two of us while listening to the men who were giving their opinions on what should be done to Ann.

  Calen

  It’s been a hell of a week. I laid in bed wide awake in the deep dark of night while my wife slept beside me. She’s been acting very strange, and out of character since the day it all went down. I don’t know what I expected, for her to break down, I guess, but instead, she’s been on autopilot around here. When she isn’t tending to our son, she’s bending over backward to please me.

  I think she’s trying to make up for the two years we’d lost. Funnily enough, I don’t want her to. I find myself thinking these days that I’m the one who owes her. The dust has yet to settle, there’s still a lot that needs taking care of, but the two of us are fully mended as far as I’m concerned.

  We’ve spent the last week talking, reforging the bond that had been broken and me most of all, apologizing tirelessly for the way I treated her when she came back. If I live to be a hundred, I’ll never be able to make it up to her. Since I can’t touch Dana legally, as there’s no law against what she did, I had to find other ways to make her pay.

  It was as simple as outing her to all of her friends and family. Her parents, who are just as narcissistic as she is, are trying their best to stay in mom’s good graces while turning their backs on their own daughter. Mom, who I have only lately come to realize is a sadist, has been eating that shit up and milking it for all its worth.