1977 - My Laugh Comes Last

by James Hadley Chase

  'I would have thought their chances would be a hundred to one against,' I said.

  'Is that right?' Thomson dropped more ash into my ash bowl. 'Manson says they wouldn't stand a ghost of a chance. He says the security of the bank is more than a hundred per cent.'

  "You're making this difficult for me, Joe,' I said. ‘ Just how much did Manson tell you about the electronic safety controls I have installed in the bank?'

  'Not a thing. He said he was satisfied no one could break in, and that's all he told me.'

  'He is right to a point, but there is always some freak chance we haven't thought of.'

  ‘Listen to me, citizen. I was elected sheriff of Sharnville three years ago. The crime rate of this town, because I am always looking ahead, run out undesirables, and have a smart lot of men, is the lowest in the state, and I intend to keep it that way. This Marsh woman bothers me. She could be a front for a gang with eyes on our bank. I don't say she is, but she could be, and it is my business to check on people like her. She tried pretty hard to get information from Manson about the security of the bank, but failed, but that doesn't mean the gang - if there is a gang - will give up. Just suppose there is an attack on the bank, I wouldn't get elected sheriff for my next term, and that would hit me where I live. Understand?'

  'I think you can relax, Joe,' I said. 'I understand your position and your responsibility, but the bank is as safe as it can be.'

  'That's what Manson said, but you said a hundred to one against. What's the one?'

  'I don't know, but there is always some bright boy who could dream up a bright idea,' I said. 'The unexpected has always to be taken into consideration.'

  He stubbed out his cigarette and lit another.

  'That's right. Now, Manson and you are the only two in this town who know how the security works... right?'

  My secretary looked in.

  'Mr. Harriman is waiting, Mr. Lucas.'

  'Just a few minutes,' I said, then looking at Thomson, I went on, 'Mr. Brannigan also knows.'

  'Suppose a smart gang kidnapped you or Manson or both of you and put you under pressure? It happens. Could they bust into the bank once he or you talked?'

  ‘No.'

  He stared thoughtfully at me.

  'Even if they really gave you the works?'

  ‘We might be forced to tell them how the gimmicks worked, but they still wouldn't have the expertise to make them work.'

  'And yet you said some bright boy might dream up a bright idea. What did you mean by that?'

  I became aware that a trickle of sweat was running down my face.

  'There is always a remote chance that someone with top-class electronic expertise just might be able to unscramble my gimmicks, but it is very, very unlikely.'

  He thought for a moment, then nodding, he got to his feet.

  'Thanks for your time. I'm now waiting to hear from Washington. If she has a record, I'll trouble you again. No smart gang is going to bust into our bank while I am sheriff. I'll get clearance from Mr. Brannigan for Manson and you to explain to me just how secure this bank is so I can protect it.' He tapped his long, hawk-like nose. 'I can smell trouble a mile off, and I'm smelling it now,' then with a curt nod, he left me.

  It took me three evenings of hard thinking to make up my mind how to deal with Klaus. The threat to Glenda and the threat of a life sentence for me were far too deadly for me to attempt a rash bluff, but that didn't mean I intended to surrender to Klaus's pressure. I knew once Klaus's people broke into the bank, I would be suspect No. 1. The police heat would be intense. I would be finished in Sharnville, even if I wasn't arrested, so I had to plan ahead. If I could find no way out of this blackmail situation, and I was finally forced to do what Klaus demanded, I had to think of a new future, not only for myself, but also for Glenda. Although I was kept busy during the day, my nights were now spent in setting up a two-prong plan: either, somehow, to outwit this ruthless embezzler, or if he outwitted me, at least, to secure a trouble-free future with Glenda, far away from Sharnville.

  On the morning of the seventh day, as I was getting out of my car, Sheriff Thomson wandered up.

  'Hi, citizen!'

  'Hello, Joe.'

  He wiped the end of his nose with the back of his hand, then said, 'Glenda Marsh has no record. Maybe you've got something: she could have been an opportunist, using The Investor to get interviews, then lost her nerve and pulled out.'

  'Fine,' I said, keeping my face expressionless.

  "Yeah, but all the same I'll keep an eye on the bank.'

  'Mr. Brannigan will appreciate that.'

  'You might tell him when next you play golf with him.'

  He stared at me, then went on, 'This idea of mine about you or Manson getting kidnapped is a thought. Now, listen to me: if ever you get a feeling you're being watched or followed, alert me. I'll put a guard on you. I've said the same to Manson.'

  ‘Thanks.' Then giving him back his own dialogue, I said, ‘Well, you're busy. I'm busy. See you,' and went up to my office.

  For the moment, I thought, I had Thomson off my back, but I knew once Klaus broke into the bank, Thomson would be after my hide.

  On this seventh day, somehow I got through my business chores. Around 19.00, I had a steak dinner at the Howard Johnson, then returned to my apartment. I sat and waited; At 21.00, the telephone bell rang. I lifted the receiver.

  Over the line came the sound of the Negro spiritual, played on a harmonica.

  'The answer is yes,' I said.

  'Okay, man.' Joe said. 'See you outside in five minutes.'

  The dusty Chevy was waiting as I left my apartment block. Joe leaned over and opened the passenger door and I slid in.

  'Man! You're sure doing the right thing,' he said. 'I was scared you would try and act smart. You know something, Mr. Lucas? I'm just a nigger boy, but I dig Miss Glenda. I would sure hate for Benny to take her apart, and that's what would have happened if you had tried something smart.’

  I hesitated for a moment, then knowing I would have to work with this man, I decided to go along with him.

  'I have no choice, Joe,' I said. 'I have to do what I'm told.'

  ‘You sure do, Mr. Lucas, but don't worry your brains. You'll get on the gravy train same as me.'

  'That's what you say. Maybe Klaus isn't as smart as he thinks he is.'

  Again Joe laughed.

  'He is, Mr. Lucas. I wouldn't be sticking my neck out if I wasn't sure of that. I've worked for him now for two years. He's never put a foot wrong. Before I worked for him, I was in and out of jail all the time, and, brother, do I hate jail. Yes . . . Mr. Klaus is smart all right . . . real smart.'

  'There's always a time to put your foot wrong,' I said.

  'Robbing the Californian National Bank could be his first time.'

  'Not with you to tell us how to do it, Mr. Lucas. The boss explained. If anything goes wrong, you and Miss Glenda don't exist anymore. It's up to you to fix it.' He laughed.

  'And I'm sure you wouldn't want Benny to knock off Miss Glenda nor you.'

  'I can tell Klaus how to get into the bank,' I said, 'but it could still go wrong, Joe. You could go away for twenty years.'

  Joe glanced at me, no longer smiling.

  'Just stop flapping with your mouth. I go away for twenty years, you and Miss Glenda go into a hole six feet deep.' He leaned forward and pressed down the cassette. The car was filled with strident jazz, and that was the end of the conversation.

  We arrived at the ranch house. Harry was there to open the gate. Benny was waiting and took me into the big living-room.

  'Want a drink, fink?' he asked. 'The boss is busy.'

  'Nothing.' I sat down.

  I waited some ten minutes, then Klaus came in. He went over to the desk and sat behind it.

  'My congratulations, Mr. Lucas. You wouldn't be here unless you had decided to cooperate. This is good news. It tells me you are as smart as I thought you were.'

  'I hope you are as smart as y
our black boy thinks you are,' I said. ‘You have opposition. Your non-smart move was to send Glenda here as a reporter. Her cover has been blown. After she talked to Manson about the security of the bank, Thomson has been alerted that there could be a raid on the bank. The red light has gone up. Thomson is dangerous . . .'

  I went on to tell him of Thomson's suspicions of Glenda, how he had contacted the F.B.I., how he had found she had no record, and of his idea that either Manson or I, or both, could be kidnapped to get information of the bank security.

  Klaus sat still, his small hands resting on his desk, his slate-grey eyes like blobs of ice, regarding me.

  'Never mind about the sheriff,' he said. 'I have already anticipated trouble from him, and I will take care of him. Your job, Mr. Lucas, is to tell me how to get into the bank's vault.'

  ‘Let us suppose you do get into the vault,' I said. ‘Both Manson and I would become suspects. Manson, on his record, would be ruled out, but Thomson, knowing I had associated with Glenda, would consider me suspect No. 1. So before cooperating with you, I want to know what is in it for me?'

  His thin lips moved into a smile.

  'I was expecting you to say that, Mr. Lucas. You will, of course, be suspect No. 1. You will have to leave Sharnville immediately after the breakin. I have told you, I am a rich man. I am not interested in the money my people will take from the bank. All I want is to cut Brannigan down to size. The vault will produce at least three million dollars. I have told my people that your pay-off is to be a million, so you and Glenda can go away somewhere and enjoy the proceeds. I would suggest South America. You would both be safe there. With a million dollars you could live very comfortably.'

  I believed him as I believed there was a Santa Claus.

  'On those conditions,' I said, 'I will tell you about the bank security.'

  Again the blobs of ice regarded me.

  'That's what I want to know.'

  'Have you been to the bank?'

  He shook his head.

  'The soft underbelly of any bank is a gang rushing in and taking hostages,' I said. 'This can't happen to this bank. All cash in and out transactions are computer controlled. A client enters the lobby, signs his cheque with a computer pen, drops his cheque into a slot and out comes the money. If he pays in money, he writes on a special form, drops in the money and out comes a receipt. The bank's staff are seen only on close-circuit TV screens. There is no way for a gang to get at the staff. They are up on the second floor where the cash is, and there is no way for any unauthorized person to get up there. Recognized clients are given .a small electric gimmick that allows them up on the second floor. If this gimmick is lost or stolen, the TV screen alerts the guardian it isn't the client and the elevator wouldn't work.'

  Klaus raised his hand.

  'I'm not interested in taking hostages, Mr. Lucas. I want my people to get into the vault and strip it out. Now tell me how this can be done."

  'The bank closes on Friday evening at 16.00. The staff leave around 17.50. The bank opens on Monday morning at 09.00,' I said. 'Because of the electronic security there is only one patrolling guard. He works in shifts with three other guards. He patrols outside the bank. He has a heated sentry box at the bank's entrance, but every hour, he walks around the outside of the bank. The entrance to the bank is guarded by steel doors which are controlled by a photoelectric cell. There is no problem in getting into the lobby of the bank. I have a gimmick that will open the door. It is a matter of careful timing. When the guard is at the back of the bank on his patrol, your people move in. Once in, they are faced with the vault's door. Now this door is made of fire-resisting steel. No one, if they worked for a solid week, with special equipment, could even dent it.'

  Klaus made an impatient movement.

  'Never mind the details.' There was a snap in his voice.

  'How do I get my people in?'

  'The vault door is operated by a voice print,' I told him.

  His little eyes narrowed.

  'What does that mean?'

  'At exactly 08.30 every morning, except Saturdays and Sundays, someone at the Los Angeles head office dials a series of numbers on a special telephone directly wired to the Sharnville bank. By doing this a computer is activated and releases three of the vault's locks. At exactly 08.35, Manson in his office speaks into a microphone another series of numbers, and his voice activates another computer which releases three other locks and the vault door slides open.'

  Klaus stared at me, his face blank as he thought.

  'Could anyone, knowing the numbers, speak into Manson's microphone and release the locks?'

  'That's what I meant when I said a voice print. It has to be Manson's voice or the computer won't work.'

  "You have been ingenious, Mr. Lucas.' There was an edge to his voice.

  'This is the safest bank in the world.'

  He thought for a moment, then said, 'What happens when Manson is on vacation or if he drops dead?'

  'That has been taken care of: there is a tape recording of his voice which the computer will accept. Should he be away or something happens to him, someone is authorized to use this recording. All this someone has to do is to drop the cassette into a hidden slot and the vault door opens.'

  'And who is this someone?'

  I looked steadily at him,

  'As I invented this system, it was decided that I should do it.'

  He leaned forward.

  "You have the cassette?'

  'It is in the bank. In the event of an emergency, I go to the bank, produce the cassette and release the three locks. Manson's successor will make another cassette. I will fix the computer to accept his voice and we are back on square A.'

  'It would seem, Mr. Lucas, the bank trusts you.'

  'There are six locks on the vault. I can only open three of them. You are forgetting the other three locks are opened by telephone from head office.' I took out a pack of cigarettes. 'They are not all that trusting.'

  ‘What happens if you drop dead or go to jail for life, Mr. Lucas?'

  'Brannigan knows where the cassette is.'

  He stared down at his hands while he thought. I lit a cigarette and waited.

  'The L.A. end seems to me to be difficult,' he said.

  'To you, yes, but not to me. I can handle that. I can get your people into the vault, but getting away with the loot is next to impossible.'

  He shrugged.

  'That is your problem, Mr. Lucas. In return for a million dollars, and for all the incriminating evidence I have against you which I will give you, I would have thought, with your expertise, you would find a solution.'

  'So, under duress, you are leaving the entire operation to me?'

  'That is the situation. I will finance the operation, and supply men to carry out the operation, but you will be responsible for the plan.'

  This was my moment to bluff. I had spent the past five nights thinking how I could outwit this man, and I had arrived at a possible solution.

  'I accept on certain conditions.'

  The mad light flashed up in his slate-grey eyes.

  ‘You are in no position to make conditions!'

  ‘There you make a mistake. Because Brannigan exposed you as a small-time embezzler, you want revenge. By stripping out the vault of his "safest bank in the world," you know you will hit him where he lives. To do this, you haven't hesitated to have Marsh murdered so you can force me to get your people into the vault. That you can kill a man tells me that you have set your mind on cutting Brannigan down to size. The weakness of this plan of yours is that you could have underestimated me, and I could elect to stand trial for a murder I didn't commit. You have a criminal record, and you are known to the police. If you hadn't a record, I wouldn't be in the strong position that I am. If I elect to stand trial, I would talk. I would tell Brannigan and the police the story. The fact that I saved his safest bank in the world, and also his reputation, would put Brannigan very much on my side. With his enormous influence, I co
uld just be found not guilty, but make no mistake about it, Brannigan would come after you, and so would the police. You could go back to jail.' I paused, then went on, 'So don't say I am not in a position to make conditions.'

  We stared at each other for a long moment. Klaus then nodded, his mouth twitching.

  ‘You have a point, Mr. Lucas. I see I have underestimated you. What are your conditions?'

  Keeping my face expressionless, but with a surge of triumph running through me as I realized my bluff was working, I leaned forward and stubbed out my cigarette.

  ‘You talk glibly of paying me a million dollars. Do you imagine I am that much of a sucker to take your word? Do you imagine I don't realize that once I have got your people into the vault and have shown them how to get the loot away, you won't have me murdered as you had Marsh murdered?'

  Klaus studied me, then his bleak face relaxed into a false smile.

  'How very suspicious you are, Mr. Lucas. So what do you propose?'

  'I can get your people into the vault, and with a little thinking, I can tell them how to get the loot out,' I said, 'but first you will give me bearer bonds for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. A million dollars is a nice sum, but I am sure, after the operation, I wouldn't get it, so I am prepared to settle; for a quarter. If you are not prepared to give me these bonds, then we both call each other's bluff. I'll have to face trial for a murder I didn't commit, and you won't get your revenge, but you will get Brannigan and the police after you. In six days' time, I will come to you with a complete plan: how to get into the vault and get away with the loot. It'll then be up to you. You either have the bonds for me or I don't handle the operation.’

  'And how do I know, Mr. Lucas, that once I give you the bonds, you don't disappear?'

  'I'm not likely to do that while you hold Glenda hostage.'

  I got to my feet. 'Think it over. On Thursday night at nine o'clock, I will be waiting for Joe to bring me to you. I'll have my side of the deal set up. You have yours.'

  Feeling much more in control of this nightmare situation, I walked out of the room, and into the lobby.

  Benny was leaning against the wall, picking his teeth. He straightened when he saw me. I walked by him, opened the front door and walked into the hot night.