Loving Someone with Anxiety

by Kate N Thieda

  In addition, if your partner is taking prescription medications, whether to manage anxiety or for another reason, problems with libido may be a side effect. This is extremely common. Your partner may be able to get in the mood for sex but have difficulty reaching orgasm, or may not have any sexual desire at all. If you notice a sudden change in your partner’s sexual interest or performance that occurs around the time of changes in medication, it may well be a side effect. Despite how prevalent this issue is, doctors often don’t discuss potential sexual side effects when prescribing medication and neglect to ask about changes in sexual functioning during follow-up visits. Unfortunately, it’s frequently up to the patient to raise this issue, and yet many people—and especially those with anxiety—are too embarrassed to do so. Encourage your partner to speak up; it won’t be the first time the doctor has heard about this problem. The good news is, adjustments to medications can often resolve the issue.

  Exercise: Your Partner’s Anxiety in the Bedroom

  Take a few minutes to consider the sexual aspects of your relationship. On a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 means your sex life is nonexistent and 10 means you wouldn’t change a thing about your sex life with your partner, how would you rate your current level of satisfaction? Once you assign a rating, create two lists in your journal, one for the positive aspects of your sex life, and the other for negatives. The first might include items such as “We enjoy having sex together”; the other might include items such as “My partner is unwilling to be spontaneous about sex.” Once you’ve made the lists, review them to see which aspects of your sex life appear to be affected by your partner’s anxiety.

  Emotion Regulation and Anxiety

  How many times have you smiled and said, “I’m fine,” in response to someone asking how you were doing, when you were actually ready to scream or punch a wall, on the verge of tears, or so exhausted you could practically fall asleep standing up? From a very young age, we’re taught to behave in ways deemed socially appropriate despite our true feelings. You can probably remember being told as a kid to pretend you liked a sweater you received for your birthday even though you really wanted a toy. As we get older, these same rules still apply, and they can be the source of considerable anxiety, especially if people feel as though their emotions or thoughts wouldn’t be acceptable to others. If this is the case for your partner, her worries about others finding out “the truth” set up a vicious cycle: having the feeling, worrying about someone discovering that she’s having the feeling, suppressing the feeling, the feeling growing more powerful, increasing attempts to suppress the feeling, and so on.

  Emotions that are commonly deemed unacceptable include sadness, fear, and anger. Researchers have found that people with anxiety disorders tend to be more sensitive to their emotions (Mennin et al. 2002). Therefore, a situation that would make others feel only slight anger, for example, might provoke strong anger in those with anxiety disorders. In addition, people with anxiety generally don’t understand their emotions well, have trouble accepting the emotions they’re having, and don’t cope or manage their emotions well (Mennin et al. 2002). This means that when your partner gets upset, she may not know what she’s feeling or what to do with herself. As a result, she could be prone to taking actions that make things worse rather than better.

  How Emotional Sensitivity Fuels Anxiety

  People who are emotionally sensitive often react to the world around them as if it’s unsafe, similar to how people prone to anxiety and worry tend to have thoughts about potential future danger. While not everyone who is emotionally sensitive experiences excessive anxiety and vice versa, it isn’t uncommon to be both anxious and emotionally sensitive.

  The tendency to be emotionally sensitive is influenced by both biology and the person’s environment. Some people are born with a nervous system that reacts to less intense stimuli that wouldn’t affect others. While they can learn to modulate their responses, their sensitivity will always be higher than average.

  Environmental factors are particularly influential during childhood. For example, if your partner was taught to view her feelings accurately as she was growing up, perhaps learning from her parents that irritability can be caused by being hungry or tired, then she might have a good understanding of what her feelings mean. On the other hand, if your partner’s parents ignored or mislabeled her feelings, perhaps telling her that she wasn’t really hungry or tired when, in fact, she was, your partner may never have learned how to appropriately label and respond to what she feels. Knowing that you’re having a feeling but being told by your caregivers that you’re wrong, or being ignored altogether, can cause anxiety. Unless this mislabeling of emotions is corrected, anxiety related to emotions will continue into adulthood.

  Behaviors That Indicate Trouble with Emotion Regulation

  It’s probably pretty obvious when your partner is struggling with emotion regulation: Things that shouldn’t be a big deal are a huge deal, your partner struggles to contain her emotions and is prone to explosions or shutting down, or your partner’s reactions to upsetting events take you by surprise because the emotions you would have expected either aren’t present at all or are so over-the-top that you wonder if your partner will ever calm down again. Addictive behaviors such as overeating, smoking, or using substances may also indicate that your partner is struggling with emotion regulation. This behavior can arise in response to excessive anxiety but mask the anxiety so that you don’t even notice it.

  If your partner acts jealous or insecure, this may also indicate emotion regulation problems. Jealousy is a powerful emotion, and if your partner is feeling anxious about the status of your relationship, jealousy can show up in many different forms, including constantly questioning your whereabouts, getting upset if you talk to other people without her knowledge, demanding to be included in everything you do, and frequently asking for reassurance that you love her. When your partner is acting out of jealousy or insecurity, her behavior may become artificial or stilted as she tries to fit into whatever role she thinks you want from her, or she may begin to act in ways you haven’t seen before, such as suddenly becoming more interested in having sex or taking an interest in a hobby of yours that she previously didn’t care about.

  Irritability is another behavior related to struggles with emotion regulation. It often leads to hurtful remarks, disinterest in being social, rudeness, and annoyance. In this case, you may feel as though nothing you do is right in your partner’s eyes. In response, you may quickly become annoyed and irritated yourself—which isn’t going to help your partner’s mood, potentially creating another vicious cycle.

  Thoughts That Indicate Trouble with Emotion Regulation

  As with many of the other issues discussed in this chapter, thoughts that come with emotion regulation struggles largely revolve around your partner’s beliefs about whether she’s capable of handling the emotions she’s feeling. Here are some examples of thoughts that are typical for people who have difficulties with emotion regulation:

  It’s not okay to be angry. If I show that I’m angry, everyone will think I’m a jerk.

  I can’t handle this pressure, but if I just have a few drinks, it will be okay.

  This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me! I can’t deal with this. It’s a crisis and no one can help. How am I going to survive this?

  I’m not going to talk about how I feel. If I ignore it, it will go away.

  If I mess up, my partner will leave me. Nothing I do is right, and I’m afraid he’s judging me.

  How Problems with Emotion Regulation Can Affect Your Relationship

  If your partner tends to suppress her true emotions, not knowing how she’s truly feeling can make it quite difficult to communicate appropriately and find solutions to problems. If you can clearly tell from your partner’s behavior that she’s upset, but you only get “I’m fine” in response to your questions, it’s hard to improve the situation.

  On the other hand, your partner may
have frequent mood swings. If so, this could indicate a comorbid mood disorder, such as depression or bipolar disorder. Alternatively, she may tend to overreact and display extreme emotion in relatively benign situations. In either of these scenarios, you might become wary of interacting with her because of the potential to make things worse.

  Finally, dealing with a jealous or insecure partner can be exhausting. If insecurity is an issue, your partner may frequently seek reassurance, exhausting your energy and patience. With jealousy, you may frequently feel pressured to prove that there’s no reason for your partner’s feelings. Your partner may also become clingy, causing you to feel suffocated and desperate for time alone, or making you think that nothing you do is ever good enough, so why bother trying?

  Exercise: Your Partner’s Unspoken Emotions

  Think of a time when your partner was clearly feeling anxious but wasn’t straightforward with you about it. In your journal, answer these questions:

  What words did she say? What actions did she take? What other signs have you noticed that can clue you in to the fact that your partner is feeling anxious but is unable or unwilling to admit it?

  Employment and Anxiety

  The ADAA survey of how GAD affects relationships (Russell Research 2004) found that, on average, people with GAD missed fourteen and a half days of work per year due to their anxiety, versus five and a half days missed by those who had neither GAD nor another diagnosable anxiety disorder. Most people with GAD didn’t disclose to their employer that anxiety was the reason for some of their absences, probably because more than half of the people surveyed indicated that they were afraid they would lose their job because of the effects of their anxiety on their professional performance. This is yet another example of anxiety creating a vicious cycle: people worry about how their anxiety disorder impacts their professional performance, which creates more anxiety, which probably does impact their performance.

  Beyond GAD, other types of anxiety can affect employment as well. Those with panic disorder may live in constant fear of having a panic attack in the workplace, among coworkers. They may choose to take a job that never involves presenting at meetings or supervising others. People with OCD may struggle with completing tasks not because they don’t want to or don’t know how to, but because they feel their work is never good enough. They may obsess over every last detail, missing deadlines and feeling extremely anxious when others evaluate their work. The constraints of specific phobias can impose limits on the opportunities people can pursue. For example, someone with a fear of heights probably won’t want an office with a window on the twelfth floor of a high-rise building. Someone who fears flying won’t be successful in a job that requires long-distance travel. A person with a fear of bridges probably won’t choose to take a job if the commute requires crossing a bridge.

  In addition, people with anxiety sometimes find themselves underemployed because of these struggles. To get ahead in a career, people need to have confidence in their skills, be willing to show others what they’ve accomplished, and make connections that open doors to bigger and better opportunities. All of this can be challenging for people with anxiety, keeping them stuck in jobs that are unsatisfying and don’t fulfill their potential. And while your partner may be relieved to have a job that feels safe and predictable, this can also result in depression and feelings of worthlessness if she realizes that others are progressing in their careers and she isn’t because of her anxiety.

  On the other end of the spectrum, some people with anxiety may work too much or hold themselves to excessively high standards because of their insecurities. Thinking coworkers can’t be trusted to do the job right, or fears about being evaluated, falling behind, or not measuring up to their peers are just a few of the reasons why they may spend extra hours at the office or bring work home at night and on the weekends. If your partner does this, obviously it will interfere with her quality of life and limit the time you spend together.

  Behaviors That Indicate Anxiety-Related Problems at Work

  If your partner has anxiety, navigating relationships with coworkers and supervisors can be especially challenging. She may find many types of work impossible because of fears of being observed, fears about interacting with authority figures, not knowing what to say in social situations, difficulty making eye contact, or problems performing tasks in public. Although people with anxiety typically know that their fears are irrational and desperately want to appear “normal,” their traits can make them seem shy, withdrawn, aloof, disinterested, or unfriendly.

  If your partner is looking for a job, anxiety makes this tough process even more difficult. Job requirements such as “must be a team player,” “need to able to work in a fast-paced environment,” and “multitasking skills essential,” all of which seem to be listed in almost every job description, can make your partner even more anxious than she already is about applying for positions. This is natural. After all, during an interview she can’t disclose that she struggles with anxiety and expect to receive an understanding nod and smile. It will take tremendous effort and courage for your partner to figure out how to land a job where she can be successful. For many anxious people, just putting a résumé in the mail or typing up a cover letter is enough to provoke a fear of being rejected and thoughts that their anxiety will cause them to fail anyway. As for going to an interview, that’s stressful for most people, even those who don’t tend to be anxious. So much is at stake, especially for people who are unemployed or unhappy in their current job. For your partner, that stress can easily escalate into full-blown panic, ruining her chances for securing the position and setting her up for paralyzing anxiety about future interviews.

  Worry Thoughts about Work

  If your partner has a full-time job, facing anxious thoughts about work is probably an almost daily occurrence that takes a lot of energy and motivation. Depending on the level and type of anxiety your partner is dealing with, she might have anxious thoughts only about specific situations, such as giving a presentation or traveling for business, or she could be struggling with general thoughts about performance and whether she’s measuring up. Here are some thoughts that frequently come up for people who have work-related anxiety:

  What if I mess up this project? I’ll be fired and I’ll never find another job.

  I’m not nearly as smart as the other people in this office. Someone is going to figure that out and tell me I need to leave.

  How am I ever going to get this pile of work done? Everyone else seems to be handling their workload just fine. There must be something wrong with me.

  If I don’t make my sales quota again this month, I’ll be demoted and everyone will laugh at me. I’ll be so humiliated.

  People are just being nice. They don’t really mean it when they say I’ve done a good job. They’re probably talking about me behind my back.

  If your partner has thoughts like these running through her head, it can take a tremendous amount of courage to show up at work every day. To get past these thoughts, your partner will need to practice finding evidence against the thoughts and continually remind herself that thoughts are not always reality. (You’ll find instructions on how to help your partner with these skills in chapters 5 and 6.) Of course, there are times when your partner’s anxious thoughts might be based in reality. For example, if she regularly doesn’t make her sales quota, this actually could result in a demotion. If her work-related anxiety is based in reality, it might be worthwhile for her to reexamine her career choices, perhaps with your support or assistance, to see if a different job might be a better fit. (Chapter 4’s advice on communication skills will be invaluable if the two of you decide to discuss this issue.)

  How Anxiety about Work Can Affect Your Relationship

  Work is typically a regular activity for adults, and unlike some anxiety-provoking situations, it’s an obligation that isn’t easily avoided. The anxiety your partner experiences at work will probably seep into your home life together, as it c
an be quite difficult to separate the two. Your partner may have a hard time getting motivated to go to work every day and come home anxious at night. Worries about work may affect her sleep and eating habits. Anxiety about her performance at work may spur her to bring work home in an effort to catch up or get ahead, which can cut into your time together as a couple.

  In addition, some anxious people find the stress of employment overwhelming and end up being unable to work. The transition to a one-income relationship can affect many aspects of your daily life together. Even if you can provide for your family on your income alone, being the sole breadwinner may not be a role you want. If you’re also handling many of the everyday household tasks and family responsibilities on top of a full-time job because of your partner’s anxiety, the situation may become unsustainable. If you feel that the situation is unfair, you might also become angry and resentful, which can lead to your partner feeling ashamed or guilty.

  Exercise: Your Partner’s Anxiety at Work

  Consider how your partner’s work-related anxiety affects your relationship, then read through the following list and check off the statements that apply to you.

  ___________ Is your partner underemployed or not employed at all?

  ___________ Does your partner miss work because of anxiety or anxiety-related symptoms, such as headaches, stomachaches, or fatigue?

  ___________ Do your partner’s worries about work-related responsibilities often cut into your time together or diminish your enjoyment in spending time together?

  ___________ Has your partner talked about wanting a different job or wanting to quit working altogether?

  If you answered yes to the last question, what reasons has your partner given for wanting to change jobs? Try to identify the barriers that might stand in her way, such as family finances, lack of opportunities, anxiety about changing jobs, and so on.