Loving Someone with Anxiety
Page 8
Communication Strategies That Can Help with Anxiety
Hearing the words, “Honey, we need to talk” tends to raise our blood pressure by a few points. The anxiety of not knowing what’s coming next causes most people to start thinking, Uh-oh. What did I do wrong? Because your partner is already prone to anxiety, telling her, “We need to talk,” is likely to set off a more extreme reaction than a nonanxious person would experience. However, that doesn’t mean serious discussions are completely off the table. That would just be another accommodation to prevent your partner from feeling anxious, and as you now know, that isn’t in your partner’s best interests. What it does mean is that you’ll both benefit from using various communication skills to ensure that your discussions are effective.
This chapter offers numerous useful techniques that can make difficult discussions easier and more productive. It will also help you identify behaviors that signal that your partner is feeling anxious and provide some pointers on how to respond appropriately.
Understanding Good Communication
You would think good communication skills would be taught in kindergarten. After all, the ability to articulate our needs to get what we want while remaining sensitive to the needs of others is one of the most important skills in life. Unfortunately, most of us have to learn these skills on our own—often through observation—and our role models may not have had the greatest communication skills themselves. The reality is, most people aren’t really good at both speaking and listening, two essential components of effective communication. On the upside, it’s never too late to learn or improve these skills.
In addition to making use of good speaking and listening skills, good communication between partners—anxious or not—has several key qualities:
Both partners are able to express their feelings openly and directly, without fear of reprisal or attack from the other.
Both partners can listen nondefensively when the other person talks.
There is mutual respect even when dealing with disagreement, anger, or frustration.
Poor communication is the opposite: Rather than being open, clear, and direct, it’s characterized by shutting down or acting out frustrations aggressively (for example, yelling or making threats) or passive-aggressively (for example, saying, “Whatever… I don’t care,” or vaguely suggesting that something bad will happen if the other person doesn’t comply with a request). It involves interrupting, arguing defensively, or insisting that the other person is wrong, rather than listening to the other person’s perspective. It can also show up as blaming or looking for ways to put the other person down instead of conveying love and respect, accepting responsibility, and working together to solve the problem.
Why Good Communication Is Especially Important When One Partner Has Anxiety
While everyone can benefit from good communication skills, it’s especially important to use them with people who are prone to anxiety. This helps keep the conversation focused on the subject at hand, rather than getting derailed if the person’s anxiety is triggered by the dialogue. In order to have productive and mutually supportive conversations with your partner, you’ll need to be especially skilled at communicating well.
The major focus of this chapter is tools for both speaking and listening—tools you can pull out and use when appropriate. Just as with a real toolbox, not every tool can solve every problem, and different tools are appropriate for specific contexts. You could use a screwdriver to make holes in a wall, but a drill would be more efficient and effective. Having a variety of tools to choose from, depending on the situation, can make the difference between a positive conversation that ends with both people feeling loved, cared for, and heard and a discussion that becomes a painful argument or fight.
Speaking Tools
The following seven speaking tools are essential for effective communication. As with using any new tool, it will take time and practice to master these techniques. If a tool doesn’t work in one conversation, that doesn’t mean it won’t be appropriate or helpful another time. Keep working at it! Also be sure to observe your partner carefully during conversations. She may respond to certain tools better than others. If you know this, you can focus on using those more often.
Tool 1: Show Empathy
Sometimes people confuse empathy with sympathy. Being empathetic means conveying that you have some sense of your partner’s experience and being genuine in your concern. Sympathy means feeling sorry for your partner, which won’t be helpful in countering your partner’s anxiety. To appropriately convey empathy, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to see the world through her eyes. Being empathetic means communicating that you understand that the situation is challenging, even if you don’t agree with her perspective or response. Here are some examples of anxiety-related statements and how you might respond to them empathically.
Anxious partner: I’m worried that I won’t be able to handle all the new job responsibilities my boss is heaping on me.
Empathetic response: It must be scary to feel like your job is too much to handle.
Empathetic response: I can hear that you’re really concerned about doing a good job.
Anxious partner: I hate going to parties. It feels like everyone is always looking at me.
Empathetic response: It sounds like going to parties is really uncomfortable for you. I sometimes feel that way too.
Empathetic response: I understand that you don’t enjoy parties and don’t like being the center of attention.
Anxious partner: I can’t go to the family reunion this year. I know I’ll have a panic attack if I have to get on a plane.
Empathetic response: You’re really worried about having to fly.
Empathetic response: It seems like thinking about getting on a plane is overwhelming for you.
Anxious partner: If the towels aren’t hung the way I want in the bathroom, I can’t leave for work until they’re fixed.
Empathetic response: You sound really concerned about this.
Empathetic response: It’s upsetting for you when things aren’t done just right.
Using empathic statements conveys that you understand your partner without trying to solve the problem. Although you may think that solving the problem is helpful, remember that this is another form of accommodation. Your partner is capable of finding her own solution or can ask you for help if it’s needed. Just one caution: When using empathy it can be easy to cross the line into being condescending, especially if you don’t agree with your partner’s perspective. Be careful about your tone of voice. You may find it helpful to practice making empathic statements during everyday conversations with a variety of people to give you some experience in using this skill.
Tool 2: Inquire about Your Partner
Conversations should be a two-way street. It’s important to know what your partner is thinking and feeling as you talk. The purpose of inquiry is to make sure your partner is receiving your message accurately, which can clear up any misunderstandings in the moment, rather than allowing them to linger—possibly long after the conversation is over. Inquiry also allows you to gain clarity about your partner’s experience and ensures that she feels she has a say in the conversation. It’s especially useful after you’ve made a point. Here are some examples of how you might utilize inquiry (note that inquiry need not be phrased as a question):
Am I making sense?
Can you tell me what you’re thinking right now?
Tell me what your thoughts are about this.
I’d like to know what you think about what I just said.
Tool 3: Use “I” Statements
Using “I” statements is an effective way to convey how you feel to your partner. Starting sentences with “I” instead of “you” avoids placing blame on your partner and opens the door to collaborating on a solution. Take a look at the following examples to see how much difference this small change can make. Which type of statements do you think your partner would be more respons
ive to?
“You” statement: You’re going to kill someone with your fear of driving over bridges!
“I” statement: I get really nervous about what happens to you when you have to drive over a bridge.
“You” statement: You worry too much about what other people think of you.
“I” statement: I’m concerned that your fears about what others think of you are holding you back at work.
“You” statement: Your excessive hand washing is out of control!
“I” statement: I’m worried that your need to wash your hands all the time is interfering with your life.
“You” statement: Your worry about everything—money, the kids, our house, the weather—is driving me crazy!
“I” statement: I feel anxious when you bring up your anxieties every time we talk. Could we maybe decide on a time each day to discuss your concerns and agree to talk about other things the rest of the time?
“You” statement: You’re making everyone uncomfortable with your need to constantly pace the room.
“I” statement: I get concerned when I see you struggling to relax and enjoy being with us.
Tool 4: Give Positive Feedback
People like to hear that they’re loved and appreciated. However, if you’re feeling upset because of something your partner has done or said, it can be hard to remember why you love her in the first place. During difficult conversations about the relationship, bear in mind that your partner probably feels very vulnerable, and that hearing something positive can go a long way toward reassuring her. What do you love about your partner? Think about special qualities that you admire in her and find a way to let her know, despite whatever is going on in the moment, that you truly love and care about her. Find something genuinely positive to say about your partner during the conversation. Again, the key is being genuine; your partner will see right through you if you’re lying or being condescending. Here are a few examples of how you might offer positive feedback:
I really appreciate how hard you’ve been trying.
I know this can’t be easy, and I have so much respect for what you’ve accomplished.
I’ve been asking you to do some hard things. I’m really grateful to you for trying.
You are simply amazing—I’m so lucky to have you as my partner!
Tool 5: Be Direct
In the course of difficult conversations, it can be easy to get sidetracked into irrelevant details or to edge around the real topic at hand. Although taking an indirect approach may seem like a softer way to get into a difficult topic, it actually prolongs the misery of anticipation for both you and your partner. Get to the point, and get to it quickly—but don’t take this as license to attack your partner with the first words out of your mouth. Be respectful and lead into the topic succinctly by saying something like “I appreciate your taking the time to talk with me. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and we need to discuss…”
Tool 6: Keep It Short
Your partner might experience physiological responses related to anxiety, such as shortness of breath and sweating, during difficult conversations. If so, her ability to process lengthy statements from you will be limited. While you don’t need to talk to your partner like a child, it will be helpful if you keep your sentences brief and to the point. If you talk for more than thirty seconds without stopping, you’re going on too long.
Tool 7: Make Specific Requests
It isn’t enough to simply communicate, “Your anxiety is driving me crazy. Stop it!” After all, if that were effective, you and your partner probably wouldn’t have a problem. If you truly want to improve the situation, you need to help your partner understand exactly what needs to change. Here are a few examples of how to make specific requests.
General statement: Don’t call me at work so much.
Specific statement: It would be helpful if you would try some of the techniques you’ve learned for calming yourself down before calling me at the office.
General statement: You’re making me late again!
Specific statement: I’ve been late to work too many times because of your habit of checking the door locks. We need to figure out a way to get me there on time.
General statement: Going to parties with you is awkward.
Specific statement: When you’re feeling uncomfortable at a party, it would help me a lot if you could give me a signal so we can make an exit without seeming rude.
General statement: I’m uncomfortable when you act anxious.
Specific statement: I’m never sure how you want me to respond when you tell me you don’t want to go to work because you’re too anxious. How can I best help you when that happens?
Listening Tools
Remember, good communication involves two sets of skills: speaking skills and listening skills. Listening skills will help you understand your partner’s perspective and ensure that you’re both on the same page during important conversations. Clearly, listening well is critical to good communication; in fact, it’s often more important than speaking well. Finding a good balance between speaking and listening can be hard, but it’s worth the effort. Your partner will appreciate it whenever you use any of the six tools of listening described below.
Tool 1: Eliminate Distractions
How many times have you been interrupted by a phone call, pets, or children when trying to have an important conversation with your partner? You both need and deserve each other’s full attention when discussing your relationship, so do whatever you can to prevent distractions. Here are a few examples of how you might set the stage for this:
I’m going to turn off the television while we talk, because we both need to listen carefully to what is said.
Let’s turn off our phones while we have this discussion so we’re not distracted.
Why don’t we talk when the kids are at their friend’s house and we know we’ll have some uninterrupted time?
I’d appreciate it if you would take a break from playing that game so we can discuss this.
Tool 2: Use and Observe Body Language
A great deal of communication occurs via body language. Your partner’s body language can offer many clues about her experience of anxiety. This may show up as behaviors or physiological signs, and it can also make an appearance as verbal behaviors that go beyond the meaning of the words she says (such as with sarcasm). Understanding these signs can give you a lot of information about what’s happening with your partner—even if she’s verbally saying, “Everything is fine” or “No, I’m not worried about this.” Here are some of the common ways that anxiety shows up in body language.
Behaviors
Fidgeting
Not making eye contact
Darting eyes
Nail biting
Hair twirling
Having a rigid or tense facial expression
Picking at clothes or something on the body
Having crossed arms
Hand twisting
Changing body positions frequently
Chewing on pens, nails, or lips
Trembling
Tapping the fingers or feet
Whistling
Jingling the contents of pockets
Physiological signs
Shallow, rapid breathing
Flushing
Paleness
Wide eyes
Crying
Clearing the throat
Sighing
Sweating
Verbal cues
Having an irritated tone of voice
Being sarcastic
Making smart-alecky comments
Changing the topic
Speaking more softly or loudly than usual
Having a quivering voice
Speaking quickly
When you notice these signs in your partner, you can use your speaking tools of empathy and inquiry to show that you understand what your partner is feeling and find out how you can help your partner feel less anxious.
Tool 3: Avoid Interrupting
Not interrupting is a challenge for a lot of people. Do your best to keep your mouth shut and wait your turn to speak. The only exception is if you need clarification, and even then, keep it brief; for example, “Sorry to interrupt, but I didn’t catch that last part. Can you please repeat it?” or “Wait, I think I missed something. Can you say that again?”
Tool 4: Use Reflective Listening
Because reflective listening involves speaking it may not seem like a listening skill. However, the point here is to echo back what your partner said to indicate that you were listening and be sure you understand. Try not to sound like a parrot, repeating what your partner said word for word; that can be annoying and counterproductive. Like empathy, it takes practice to get right, and you can use it in any conversation to get more comfortable with it.
Anxious partner: I really don’t want to drive to the store to get groceries when it’s dark outside.
What not to say: Driving at night is no big deal. I know you can handle it.
Reflective statement: I remember that you asked me to drive you to the store the other night too, but you didn’t say why. Is this something we need to figure out?
Anxious partner: I hate going to office parties with you. None of the other wives like me.
What not to say: You’re the most beautiful woman there. Everyone loves you!
Reflective statement: I want to make sure I understand what you’ve said. You feel uncomfortable going to office functions with me because you feel like the other women don’t like you.