Loving Someone with Anxiety

by Kate N Thieda

  If your partner resists the idea of creating a list, whether because she feels it isn’t necessary or because she feels some shame about the need to have such lists, consider making the lists on your own. While teamwork would be most beneficial, if that isn’t possible it will still be worthwhile to do what you can on your own.

  Make a List of What Works

  The first step in making a list of what’s effective is to talk with your partner about how you can know that she wants your assistance in lowering her anxiety levels. The need for assistance can vary greatly depending on the person and the type of anxiety she experiences. Some people may not want any help when they feel anxious, preferring to be left alone. Others may not stand a chance of lowering their anxiety level without some help. Whatever the case in your partner’s situation, deciding ahead of time what she wants you to do will help her be less resistant to your offers to help when she’s experiencing anxiety.

  Note that it’s important to be specific when making this list and to choose interventions appropriate for particular symptoms. Here’s an example of what such a list might look like.

  Eric’s Anxiety Relief List

  If I’m pacing the room and unable to relax, offer to go for a walk with me outside or suggest that I go by myself.

  If I’m ruminating about my performance at work, pick out a movie for us to watch or play a board game with me as a distraction.

  If I’m obsessing over whether I locked the doors at home, reassure me (once only, not multiple times) that I did and remind me that not going home to check the locks means I’m one step closer to being free from my obsessions.

  Mindful breathing is helpful for me when I need to calm down. Remind me to take a time-out to focus on my breathing.

  Another way to document what’s effective is to decide which symptoms could mean that your support is needed, and then make a list of strategies to try. Here’s what that might look like.

  Becky’s Anxiety Support List

  Anxiety symptoms that indicate I need support: trembling hands, being unable to relax, ruminating, picking at my cuticles or biting my nails, being unable to sleep, not eating, drinking more wine than usual (more than two glasses)

  Ways to be supportive:

  Offer to listen to what I have to say.

  Invite me to go for a run together.

  Distract me with activities, such as watching funny movies, cooking, or reading magazines.

  Give me a back rub or massage my hands with lotion.

  Encourage me to go to bed at a reasonable time.

  Suggest I take a hot bath or shower.

  Offer to read a guided meditation to me.

  Make a List of What Isn’t Helpful

  We’ve all had the experience of struggling with something and having a well-meaning person try to intervene in a way that simply doesn’t help. As difficult as it may be, both you and your partner need to take an honest look at patterns of behavior that don’t help with her anxiety in the long run, that may be harming the relationship, and that may even be causing problems in the short term. Making a list of what doesn’t work to alleviate your partner’s anxiety will help you be more aware of what to avoid so you don’t make the situation worse when anxiety strikes. Here’s an example of how such a list might look.

  Mario’s List of What Isn’t Helpful

  I won’t tell my partner to “get over it.”

  I won’t use guilt to make my partner stop her behavior.

  I won’t use drugs or alcohol as a way to cope with my emotions about my partner’s behavior.

  I won’t intervene if my partner encounters something that triggers a phobia.

  I won’t call my partner’s supervisor and tell a false story about why she isn’t at work.

  I won’t participate in a cleaning ritual with my partner.

  What’s Next?

  Having a plan and knowing what to do—and what not to do—when anxiety strikes can help you and your partner feel more in control of your lives and your relationship. It will put you on the road to overcoming the anxiety, rather than just living with it or potentially making it worse. Defeating the anxiety will take a lot of conscious effort from both of you as you work to overcome habitual ways of interacting, but the rewards will make the work worthwhile. To help you continue your journey toward freedom from anxiety, the next chapter will look at how lifestyle factors may be influencing your partner’s anxiety and offer guidance in making changes.

  Chapter 7

  Lifestyle Choices That Can Reduce Anxiety

  In chapters 5 and 6, you learned a lot of strategies that can be helpful when your partner’s anxiety strikes, along with some techniques to promote relaxation and a general sense of calm for both of you. As useful as those approaches are, it may be that certain lifestyle factors are playing a role in maintaining your partner’s anxiety. So in this chapter, we’ll look at some lifestyle changes you and your partner can make that will help reduce, or perhaps even eliminate, some of the root causes of your partner’s anxiety.

  As you work with your partner (and other family members, if necessary) as a team to decide what changes you’ll make, you’ll become a built-in support system for each other as you move toward a more healthful lifestyle. You’ll also strengthen your bond as a couple or family.

  In the fast-paced world we live in, the chances of living an anxiety-free life are pretty slim. Although some people seem to sail through life without a care in the world, the majority of us need to make deliberate choices and consciously apply ourselves to minimizing the stress in our lives. As mentioned in chapter 1, some anxiety is necessary for survival, serving as a signal that we need to respond to a threat to our safety. But when the intensity and duration of anxiety are at levels that are detrimental to your partner’s well-being, it’s important to make lifestyle changes to help turn the situation around. The simple truth is this: People who are prone to anxiety need to be especially diligent about minimizing the stress in their lives.

  Some of the lifestyle changes I suggest in this chapter may seem challenging to you or your partner, but I encourage both of you to try them anyway. You can always return to old habits if you find that a particular change doesn’t have the desired effect. However, I do ask that you implement each change consistently for at least thirty days to ensure that you give it a chance to make a difference.

  That said, and even though I’ve been emphasizing working together as a team to reduce your partner’s anxiety, you may not need or want to make the same lifestyle changes as your partner. If you’re going to feel resentful toward your partner because of giving up your morning cup of coffee, for example, it’s not a requirement that you do that. Just be aware that it’s often easier to do new things when working as a team, so your participation may lend your partner needed support.

  No matter who is making the changes, I recommend that you tackle them one at a time, as trying to make too many lifestyle changes at once can feel overwhelming. After you read this chapter, have a discussion with your partner about which one to tackle first. You may want to start with easier changes to help get the ball rolling. Or perhaps a more difficult change holds the potential to make a big difference, so you’d like to work on that first, despite the challenge.

  There will undoubtedly be times when one or both of you wants to give up on a particular change. Letting go of old habits and patterns can be hard. When you feel like throwing in the towel, remember that you need only commit to any of these changes for thirty days. Hang in there! The rewards of reducing the anxiety and stress in your relationship are worth it.

  Foods and Beverages

  Like most people, you and your partner may tend to reach for favorite comfort foods after a hard day or tell yourself you deserve a treat after a trying experience. Unfortunately, some of the foods and beverages that we tend to reach for can have a major impact on mood, due to their effects on our biochemistry.

  You probably don’t need a dietitian to tell you that a po
or diet can affect all areas of your life, often leading to weight gain, certain diseases, insomnia, low energy levels, diminished mental health, and other negative outcomes. Any food or beverage that’s nutritionally lacking can be a problem, but there are four main categories to steer clear of: caffeine, sugary foods and beverages, alcohol, and highly processed foods, for reasons I’ll discuss below.

  Before you throw this book across the room, saying, “You’re taking all of my favorite things away,” remember why it’s worthwhile to commit to thirty days of trying these new habits: to reduce stress and anxiety in your relationship. However, please note that I highly recommend working with a registered dietitian before making any major dietary changes.

  Caffeine

  Avoiding caffeine should be a no-brainer. After all, why do people drink coffee (or other beverages with caffeine in them) in the morning? Because they want to wake up, and caffeine is a stimulant. But for people who are prone to anxiety, your partner included, stimulants can be a big problem. Excessive caffeine intake can have effects that mimic the symptoms of anxiety: increased heart rate, shakiness, and feelings of panic.

  In addition, caffeine can affect sleep, and if your partner doesn’t sleep well, his anxiety levels will remain high. On top of that, excessive caffeine consumption can cause a depletion of vitamin B1 (thiamine), which has been called the antistress vitamin because it improves the body’s ability to withstand the effects of stress (Balch 2006). Is the coffee or tea worth it?

  When eliminating caffeine, keep in mind that it can show up in other beverages and foods—some that you might not suspect. Of course, most energy drinks contain caffeine, as do many sodas. Also watch out for chocolate, certain headache medications, cocoa, and even green tea.

  Candy and Simple Sugars

  When we see kids running around like crazy, we often think How much sugar have they had today? As with caffeine, we gravitate to sweets when we need a lift in mood because that’s exactly what sugar delivers. But the boost is short-lasting and results in depleted blood sugar levels afterward, often leading to a lower mood than before. In addition, low blood sugar levels can trigger hypoglycemia, a condition with symptoms that mimic a panic attack, including trembling, feelings of weakness or dizziness, heart palpitations, anxiety, light-headedness, and irritability. In fact, some people have panic attacks that are triggered by hypoglycemia, and the panic subsides when they eat something. However, do note that the majority of people with anxiety don’t have hypoglycemia, and that only medical testing can determine whether a person is experiencing blood sugar problems.

  Alcohol

  As mentioned earlier in the book, sometimes people with anxiety self-medicate by using alcohol to manage their symptoms. If your partner does this, setting a goal of removing all alcohol from the house and abstaining completely is a good idea.

  However, keep in mind that if your partner has been self-medicating with alcohol and that crutch is removed without providing some sort of alternative, it’s probably a recipe for disaster. Compassionately engage your partner in a discussion of alternatives to using alcohol to manage his symptoms, and encourage him to decrease his dependence on alcohol gradually. I also strongly recommend that you enlist professional help for your partner in transitioning away from alcohol use.

  As discussed in chapter 1, another issue with alcohol is that it can interfere with any anxiety medications your partner may be taking. Alcohol is a sedative, and combining it with anxiety-reducing medications can severely impair central nervous system functioning—to the point where the vital functions of heartbeat and breathing stop. Since people often drink at night, this can happen when your partner is asleep, potentially resulting in a terrible tragedy. A few beers or that bottle of wine aren’t worth the risk.

  Highly Processed Foods

  People who are prone to anxiety are often sensitive in many other ways as well and may react to highly processed foods and beverages, such as hot dogs, sausage, lunch meats, baked goods, sodas, and most packaged snack foods. These foods and beverages are difficult to digest—for anyone—and also tend to be low in vitamins, minerals, and other essential nutrients that help our bodies function efficiently. Working to replace highly processed foods with more natural and organic choices is a commitment, but it can be a great way to connect with your partner as both of you try, discover, and share new and healthier alternatives.

  Exercise

  Exercise has so many benefits, yet most people tend to resist it. Because those benefits include helping alleviate anxiety, it’s especially important for your partner to engage in a program of regular physical activity.

  At first glance, the changes the body experiences during exercise are the same as those produced by anxiety—sweating, rapid breathing, racing heart, faster blood circulation, and rapid fatigue. In fact, this similarity makes some people with anxiety reluctant to begin an exercise program. However, there’s a difference between the two: Anxiety symptoms are gearing up the body to fight or to flee, whereas exercise can release that tension and flush out the neurotransmitters that create anxiety symptoms to prepare the body to react to the perceived threat.

  If either you or your partner haven’t been engaging in regular exercise and decide to start, please check with your primary care physician first, especially if either of you is overweight or has medical problems. When you begin, be sure to start slowly and work your way up to a vigorous exercise regimen gradually. If you haven’t been exercising regularly and you decide to run for an hour on the first day, it’s almost guaranteed that your new program won’t extend to a second day. This approach will also be helpful if your partner fears exercise because it can feel physiologically similar to a panic attack. Taking it gradually and increasing the duration or intensity in small increments will serve as a form of exposure therapy.

  Technology Use

  Take a minute to consider how many electronic devices you and your partner use regularly. Between the two of you, you’re likely to have multiple phones and at least one television, radio or other sound system, and computer. You may also regularly use gaming devices, e-readers, and iPods or other personal audio devices. Not that long ago, many of these devices didn’t exist. These days, it’s nearly impossible to ever “unplug,” and for many people, the thought of turning off these devices and not being constantly connected causes anxiety.

  If technology use is an issue for your partner, it would be a good idea to discuss it and try to determine the source of the anxiety: Is he anxious because he feels a need to be connected at all times, or does his anxiety stem from wanting to disconnect and feeling that he can’t or isn’t allowed to? Either way, establishing some boundaries around technology use will go a long way in reducing your partner’s anxiety.

  Cell Phones

  It’s hard to believe that, once upon a time, people actually left their homes without carrying a phone with them. In many ways, cell phones have been a blessing; it’s pretty handy to be able to summon help, to let someone know you’re running late, or to find out if there’s anything you need to pick up at the store. But cell phones do have their downsides as well. They make us constantly available, eroding our downtime and leading to frequent interruptions, all of which can increase stress and anxiety.

  Then there are the dangers involved in using a cell phone while driving. Many states have laws against using a cell phone while driving, and for good reason. Trying to talk on the phone while watching the road is difficult, no matter how practiced you are at it. Make an agreement with your partner that neither of you will use your cell phone while driving. You may have to adjust your expectations about how quickly a call will be returned. If your partner gets anxious when you don’t immediately answer, he’ll need to practice skills for calming himself while he waits for you to call back, such as abdominal breathing, a brief mindfulness practice, or whatever works best for him when feeling acutely anxious.

  Another potential cause of anxiety is if your partner hears his phone ring whi
le driving and makes the choice not to answer. He may become consumed with thoughts like I wonder who that was? Should I fish the phone out of my pocket and look? What if it was important? This one is easily solved: Encourage your partner to turn his cell phone off when driving—or anytime he doesn’t want to be interrupted. This eliminates any temptation to check who’s calling. Remind your partner (and yourself, if need be) that not that long ago no one had a cell phone, and it was usually okay to wait until a convenient time to return calls.

  To address the impacts of cell phone use on other aspects of life beyond driving, encourage your partner to have times when he turns his phone off or chooses to ignore it and focus on something else. For example, he might decide to turn his phone off at nine o’clock each night or to turn it off when he’s at work and check for messages only at lunchtime. It would also be a good idea to have a schedule for weekends that would allow both of you to check your phones regularly in case of an emergency while also giving you some breathing room so you don’t feel you must always respond instantly.

  Computers, Internet, and Social Media

  Computers and other electronic devices can also keep us connected like never before. Social media such as Facebook and Twitter have revolutionized how we communicate. Again, this has good and bad aspects. Among the positives, we can often more easily connect with people we care about, including people we may have lost touch with. However, we also become more vulnerable to information overload. And as with cell phones, there can be a feeling that you need to be connected all the time or you might miss out on something.

  Information overload can make stress and anxiety worse. Before the rise of the Internet, we generally had only limited resources for finding information: books, newspapers, television, radio, and word of mouth. Now endless sources of information from all over the world are online and instantly available. Unfortunately, for people with anxiety, having too many choices often feels overwhelming. If this is an issue for your partner, help him select a few trusted resources to get information from; for example, he might stick with just one website for news and do online shopping at only a few sites. Other approaches might be placing a limit on the amount of time spent searching for information or, better yet, asking someone who would know where to find the information.