Facebook, Twitter, and other social media outlets can be a particularly slippery slope for people who have anxiety. You and your partner will need to gauge how much influence social media has on your lives. Some people are perfectly okay with not looking at these sites regularly (or not looking at them at all), whereas others panic if they have to spend more than a few hours disconnected because they fear they’ll miss out on something.
One way to test your partner’s reliance on social media is to have him sign off from these sites for a certain period of time and see how he does. Does he feel relieved to be free from them, or does he find himself anxious and disconnected and wish he hadn’t agreed to this experiment in the first place? Does he maybe even sneak a peek when he thinks you aren’t looking? The results of this experiment will tell both of you a lot about whether his anxiety would improve with some changes in this area.
Another consideration is the time of day when your partner accesses the Internet or social media. Doing so late in the evening, and especially right before bed, can disrupt your partner’s sleep if he reads something stimulating, whether it’s positive or negative. Mealtime can also be problematic, causing some people to overeat and leading others to undereat or forgo eating altogether. Plus, as discussed earlier in the chapter, good nutrition is important in managing anxiety, and adding excessive stimulation or potential sources of anxiety to mealtimes needlessly won’t be helpful.
Media Exposure
When was the last time you heard something good on a news program? Most stations do try to include a feel-good story or two per half hour, but the rest of the time it’s mostly bad news about conflict, war, natural disasters, murder, assault, environmental crises, and the list goes on. Even if you avoid television and radio news, there are magazines, blogs, newspapers, billboards, and other media to pick up the slack. Also consider the types of shows you and your partner watch; so many popular shows focus on crime and other dark or upsetting topics.
You do have choices. Your first choice is whether to watch television at all. The time when we needed to watch television to get information is long gone. Consider conducting an experiment similar to the one described for social media. What would it be like to turn off the television for a few days or even a week? Would your partner’s anxiety increase or decrease?
If you can’t imagine giving television up altogether, it may be time for you and your partner to assess the type of shows you’re watching. I had a client with severe anxiety who told me she was having trouble sleeping. She also said that she watched crime shows nightly, yet she hadn’t seen a connection. I recommended that she switch to a comedy show, and it worked. Not only did her sleep improve, she also noticed a difference in her mood. Things we tend to overlook can often make a big difference in reducing anxiety.
Excessive Obligations
Many people have calendars crowded with work obligations, social engagements, volunteer activities, family responsibilities, and more. Being overextended or simply not having enough downtime can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. You and your partner may recognize this and want to scale back your activities, but also feel that all of your scheduled activities are essential and none can be eliminated. But as you now know, making an effort to reduce anxiety requires making deliberate choices—sometimes hard choices—and conscious effort. When you face tough decisions about scaling back your activities, just remember that the payoff is worth some sacrifices.
Work Obligations
Depending on the type of work your partner does, he may or may not have much control over many aspects of his job responsibilities. Wherever he does have choices, he should use them wisely. Here are some areas where he might consider making changes to reduce his anxiety:
Work hours: Is your partner a morning person? If so, maybe going to work earlier than everyone else would give him some quiet time to settle in and help set the tone for the day. Would he benefit from having an extra day off each week, completely free from work obligations? If so, maybe he could work four ten-hour days instead of five eight-hour days. Does your partner often work late or on the weekends in hopes of catching up or getting ahead? If so, ask him to commit to leaving work on time every day for one month, even if it means not finishing everything. Other possibilities include exploring whether flextime is an option or, if your partner is a shift worker, whether a different shift might better align with his energy levels.
Taking breaks: Most workplaces offer employees a certain amount of break time during the day based on the number of hours they work. However, many people either don’t take the time allotted or feel they can’t because their workplace culture frowns on it. Ask your partner how (or whether) he uses his break time. If he isn’t taking breaks or is using that time to engage in social media or other online pursuits, he might benefit from spending that time relaxing, perhaps taking a walk outside, listening to music, or even sitting in a quiet area and doing a few minutes of mindful breathing. The techniques described in chapter 5 are effective in the workplace too!
Responsibilities: Most employees have too many responsibilities and feel a lot of pressure to get everything done themselves. As discussed in the section on employment and anxiety in chapter 2, this sets up a cycle of anxiety, leading to performance problems, leading to more anxiety. Help your partner establish reasonable goals for himself, perhaps by looking at what he’s expected to do and making a to-do list. If there are items that can be delegated to others, encourage your partner to hand those off.
Social Obligations
Because maintaining healthy, supportive relationships is so important, you and your partner may feel hard-pressed to make changes in your social calendar. However, social obligations that seem to drain your energy won’t be helpful. The choices you and your partner make about how to spend your free time should reduce anxiety, not increase it. Here are some areas of your social life where you might consider making changes:
Are there people in your life who are dragging you and your partner down instead of lifting you up? If so, can you spend less time with them?
Have you gotten stuck in social routines that have come to feel more like a chore than fun? If so, are any of these activities optional?
Have you and your partner been participating in volunteer activities that were once enjoyable but now feel like work? If so, it would be a good idea to scale back or perhaps take a complete break.
It can be challenging to let go of routines, especially when other people are involved. Plus, you and your partner probably don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by saying no. To risk sounding like a broken record, just keep in mind the many benefits of helping reduce your partner’s anxiety.
Another issue with social or recreational activities may be that you and your partner have different ideas about what’s relaxing or enjoyable. If you’re an extrovert, you probably draw your energy from having other people around and doing stimulating activities; however, this may feel overwhelming for your partner. This isn’t to say all people with anxiety are introverts; rather, you and your partner may simply have different levels of tolerance for stimulation. If this is the case, perhaps the healthiest thing you and your partner can do is decide which activities you want to participate in together and which might be better to engage in on your own.
All of that said, do consider whether your partner wants to avoid specific activities because of agoraphobia or social anxiety. You need not insist that he participate in an effort to get over his fears, but both of you should keep in mind the problems with accommodation and the benefits of exposure therapy and learning to face feared situations. Depending on what the activity is and how important it is that your partner participates, this might be an area to work on together.
Couple Time
In chapter 4 I discussed the importance of good, mutually supportive communication with your partner. In addition, I also recommend that both of you commit to spending quality time together. This is essential for reducing anxiety because it gives
the two of you an opportunity to enjoy shared activities that are fun, relaxing, and renewing. It’s difficult to be anxious when fully engaged in an activity with someone you love. As one example, consider planning regular date nights, even if you’ve been together for years, to give you and your partner something to look forward to, plan for, and talk about afterward.
If you and your partner have children, setting aside regular family time is important as well. This keeps everyone connected and has many benefits. For example, among children eleven to eighteen years old, frequent family meals are associated with a lower risk of smoking, drinking, and using drugs; a lower incidence of depressive symptoms and suicidal thoughts; and better grades (Eisenberg et al. 2004). Having dinner together most nights of the week, scheduling a game night or movie night, or going on weekend outings are all ways to increase positive interactions in the family, and to decrease stress and anxiety overall.
Mindfulness Practice
I introduced mindfulness in chapter 5 and am bringing it up again in this chapter because research indicates that both mindfulness and meditation can serve as a powerful antidote to anxiety. According to Edmund Bourne (2005, 423), an expert in the treatment of anxiety and stress-related disorders,
“Meditation has repeatedly been found to reduce chronic anxiety and worry. Often the dosage of tranquilizers or other medications can be reduced if you are meditating daily. Other long-range benefits include sharpened alertness, increased energy level and productivity, decreased self-criticism, increased objectivity (the capacity to view situations nonjudgmentally), decreased dependence on alcohol, recreational drugs, and prescription drugs, increased accessibility of emotions, and heightened self-esteem and sense of identity.”
While specific instructions about creating a mindfulness practice go beyond the scope of this book, as mentioned in chapter 5, you’ll find many good sources of information both online and in print (see Resources). Two popular and excellent books on mindfulness meditation are Mindfulness for Beginners and Wherever You Go, There You Are, both by Jon Kabat-Zinn, the creator of a program called mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), which has been proven effective for alleviating anxiety symptoms (Miller, Fletcher, and Kabat-Zinn 1995). If you do an online search for “mindfulness-based stress reduction” and the name of your city, you may find a program near you.
What’s Next?
In many ways, our current culture fosters anxiety around being connected, meeting obligations, and other lifestyle choices. Because these aspects of life are so deeply interwoven into our daily routines, it takes conscious, deliberate effort to make changes in these areas. Doing so may not be easy, but it can lead to significant changes in anxiety levels. Choosing to implement the lifestyle changes recommended in this chapter, one at a time, and for a minimum of thirty days, could do wonders to reduce your partner’s anxiety and improve quality of life for both of you. The next chapter, which is the final chapter in the book, is especially for you. It discusses many ways you can care for yourself and make sure your needs are being met so that you can be at your best when providing support for your partner.
Chapter 8
Self-Care for the Caregiver
When I first began writing a blog for the partners of those with mental illnesses on PsychCentral.com, I wanted to name it Oxygen Mask. Anyone who has ever flown on a plane is familiar with the safety recommendation to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. The concept is pretty simple: If you can’t breathe, you won’t be able to help others! Although the editors at PsychCentral and I eventually decided on Partners in Wellness, I regularly reminded my readers of the importance of self-care when providing support for a loved one, no matter what the illness may be. Truth be told, even if you aren’t caring for someone else, self-care is still important!
What Is Self-Care?
Perhaps a definition of “self-care” is in order. Self-care means deliberately choosing to do things that bring pleasure, enjoyment, and rejuvenation to your life on a regular basis. These activities and experiences may be rewarding, challenging, exciting, and adventurous, or they may be quiet, calming, centering, and peaceful. The key is that they work for you and that they make you feel good physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Take a few minutes to read through this list and consider how many of these changes you’d like to see in your life:
Better sleep
Lower blood pressure
Improved attitude and outlook
Increased laughter and smiling
Less worry
Learning something new, such as a hobby, sport, or skill
Fewer headaches, stomachaches, or other illnesses
Less stress
More relaxation
More permission to enjoy yourself
All of this, and more, is possible if you engage in regular self-care activities.
No one else can do this for you. You have to make the choice to do things that bring you pleasure. When these activities involve being with other people, it’s still up to you to make the time, show up, and participate. If being alone is how you recharge your batteries, it may be even more challenging to make and keep the commitment, since it’s likely that no one else will be holding you accountable.
Why Self-Care Matters
People who are chronically burned-out usually don’t put taking care of themselves at the top of the list. They generally have ready excuses about why they can’t do so: their kids need them, their partner needs them, their parents need them, their employer needs them, their pets need them, their phone never stops ringing, their emails are piling up, there’s no money, there are bills to pay, the house isn’t clean, their car needs fixing, and the list goes on. If you’re looking for an excuse to not take care of yourself, it’s easy to find one. What’s much more difficult is making the commitment to do what’s in your best interests—and the best interests of your partner and other loved ones. Challenging as it may be, it’s crucial. When you live with an anxious partner, there can be a lot of tension in your relationship and in your home. Having self-care routines and plans in place can help neutralize the static.
Getting Over the Excuses
As mentioned, people tend to have a lot of excuses for why they can’t take care of themselves. Those listed above mostly involve time and conflicting obligations. However, most of us do have time for what matters to us, so with these excuses the solution is simply to move self-care to the top of your list.
Another common category of excuses is those with the theme “I don’t deserve to care for myself.” Such excuses can take many different forms, from “I have to work this weekend because I can never get ahead on this pile of papers” to “It’s more important that I be there for the kids because my partner is struggling right now” to “I’m fine. A glass of wine [antianxiety pill, pot of coffee, bag of cookies, whatever] will make me feel better so I can keep going.” While sometimes we must put self-care aside or resort to a quick fix to get through a temporary situation, doing this repeatedly over the long term isn’t effective. It leads to burnout, often at the most inconvenient times. Have you ever gotten sick just before a big event or when a work deadline was looming? Chances are you were pushing the limits of your health and wellness and nature won. That can be prevented.
Sometimes people delude themselves into thinking that they are somehow immune to the problems that arise from pushing the limits of one’s energy and emotional resources. Unfortunately, we all have limits, although they do vary from person to person. It’s in your best interests (and the best interests of those around you) not only to recognize what your limits are but to respect them, even if it means not accomplishing everything you think you need to do or risking disappointing others. It genuinely doesn’t make sense to try to work if you have pneumonia or to wash the windows when you have a migraine.
I’d like you to take a moment now and think about whether you know where your limits are in some key areas of life:
Do you
know how much sleep you need each night to feel good and function well?
Are you aware of which foods make you feel good and which make you wish you had eaten something else?
Do you know whether you need time with others or by yourself in order to feel energized?
If you drink, do you know how many alcoholic beverages it takes to cross the line from “enjoyable” to “hangover”?
Do you have a sense of how many different obligations you can realistically handle?
Most people have at least some idea of the answers to those questions but choose not to do what would be best for them. Common reasons include not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings, a sense of obligation, or the belief that if they don’t do the task at hand, no one else will. I could ask, “What makes you so special that you can ignore your limits?” But perhaps the better question would be “Why don’t you feel that you’re special enough that you deserve to respect your limits?”
Loving Someone with Anxiety Page 14
