That’s a tough question, and many people struggle to answer it. Regardless of whether or how you answer it, bear in mind that if you don’t respect yourself, it’s hard for others to respect you. Plus, people generally have more respect for those who care for themselves than those who don’t. After all, people who don’t take care of themselves tend to be grumpy and not fun to be around because they’re burned-out.
If you still feel reluctant, consider this: If others see you taking care of yourself and balancing your time between play and work, they might be inspired to take better care of themselves. That said, this shouldn’t be your primary motivation. Self-care is, by definition, about you, not about what you can do for others. You’re doing enough of that already. If others are inspired, that’s a bonus, but it isn’t the goal.
Exercise: Self-Care Assessment
This exercise will help you assess where you’re already doing a good job in caring for yourself and where there’s room for improvement. I’m going to ask you to rate how frequently you engage in self-care in various parts of your life: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, in relationships, and in the workplace. These lists of self-care activities aren’t exhaustive, but they should give you a clearer perspective on whether you’re taking good care of yourself, along with ideas about additional self-care activities you might engage in.
Rate each item listed using the following scale:
3 = I do this frequently
2 = I do this occasionally
1 = I rarely do this
0 = I never do this
? = Doing this never occurred to me
Physical Self-Care
___________ I eat regularly (typically, three meals a day).
___________ I eat foods that are healthful.
___________ I exercise at least three times a week, for a minimum of thirty minutes each time.
___________ I get routine medical checkups.
___________ I go to the doctor when I’m sick or injured.
___________ I take time off when I’m sick.
___________ I get massages or other body treatments, such as manicures or pedicures.
___________ I get enough sleep most nights of the week.
___________ I engage in sexual activities with my partner or on my own.
___________ I wear clothes that I like and that fit well.
Mental Self-Care
___________ I write in a journal.
___________ I attend individual therapy or support group sessions regularly.
___________ I take day trips or mini vacations.
___________ I regularly turn off electronics, such as the phone, television, and computer.
___________ I read books and magazines for fun, not just for work.
___________ I make time for self-reflection.
___________ I do activities where I’m a beginner or novice, instead of a teacher or expert.
___________ I engage in activities where I can be curious, such as going to shows, art exhibits, sports events, or classes.
___________ I say no to extra responsibilities.
___________ I connect regularly with loved ones with whom I can be authentic and safely share my thoughts and feelings.
Emotional Self-Care
___________ I allow myself to feel a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, fear, and frustration.
___________ I allow myself to outwardly express my true emotions.
___________ I say nice things about myself to myself.
___________ I accept compliments from others without discounting myself.
___________ I spend time in the company of people I enjoy.
___________ I limit contact with those who drain me.
___________ I find things and people who make me laugh and enjoy them regularly.
___________ I use my voice to express outrage against injustices and engage in various forms of activism.
___________ I don’t allow the negative emotions of those around me to affect my own emotional state.
___________ I’m mindful to watch for things during my day that will lift my mood.
Spiritual Self-Care
___________ I make time for self-reflection.
___________ I participate in rituals that reflect my spiritual beliefs.
___________ I belong to a community that shares my beliefs.
___________ I spend time in nature.
___________ I embrace optimism and hope.
___________ I count my blessings.
___________ I have an awareness of materialism and its role in my life.
___________ I pray.
___________ I meditate.
___________ I read inspirational literature or listen to inspirational music.
Relationship Self-Care
___________ I have regularly scheduled time to be alone with my partner.
___________ I have regularly scheduled time to be with my children.
___________ I check on and visit with extended family members.
___________ I make time to be with friends.
___________ I stay in contact with friends in distant places.
___________ I spend quality time with pets.
___________ I make time to reply to personal letters and phone calls from others.
___________ I ask for help when I need it.
___________ I have a wide social circle.
___________ I share my thoughts and feelings with those whom I trust.
Professional or Workplace Self-Care
___________ I take breaks during the day (for example, eating lunch or taking a short walk).
___________ I arrange my work space so it’s comfortable and inviting.
___________ I get to know my coworkers.
___________ I set limits and boundaries with my clients and colleagues.
___________ I have a set time to go home at the end of the day.
___________ I dedicate part of my day to working uninterrupted.
___________ I balance my workload and prioritize.
___________ I get supervision or seek the guidance of a mentor.
___________ I negotiate for my needs (for example, asking for a raise, more vacation time, or a more flexible schedule).
___________ I leave my work at the office.
Now that you’ve completed the ratings, look for patterns in your responses. Are there areas of your life where you’re doing a better job of self-care? Are there areas that need improvement? Take note of where you’d like to improve, but don’t view this as another obligation or a sign that you’re somehow lacking. The point is to feel better, not to have a perfect score. Focus on solutions and making a commitment to taking better care of yourself. There are several ways you can remind yourself to follow through:
Choose one self-care activity and dedicate the month to engaging in it as often as possible. When the month is up, you can continue that activity and begin a new one, or choose a different one to replace what you did the month before. Post notes in prominent places reminding you to engage in self-care. Ask supportive friends and family members to either participate in activities with you or remind you that you need to engage in these activities on your own. Block out times for self-care on your calendar and keep those appointments no matter what comes up. Pay for a membership at a gym, spa, or other place where you find enjoyment so you’ll feel motivated to go to get your money’s worth.
Self-Care Ideas
If I were to tell you that you had the weekend off and could do whatever you wanted, guilt-free, would you know what you wanted to do? All too often, people get stuck in a rut and can’t even think of alternative activities that would be enjoyable.
When clients tell me they have no idea what to do for fun, one of the first questions I ask is what they did for fun as a kid. I recommend that you ask yourself the same question. Did you play outside, draw, paint, make models, build Lego creations, dance, put on shows, cook or bake, make videos, play make-beli
eve, participate in sports, or play a musical instrument? Your answer to this question can provide clues about what might be appealing to you now, perhaps in a “grown-up” form. If none of your former interests excite you now, perhaps there were activities you wanted to do as a kid but couldn’t. Could you experiment with one of them now? After all, you’re an adult and can make your own choices, and there are no rules about how to have fun in the name of self-care.
Also consider what level of activity and engagement you prefer when it comes to self-care. If you have a job that requires you to be around people constantly, you may want to engage in solo activities during your self-care time, such as yoga, walking in the woods, needlework, reading, or meditation. Alternatively, you may find that interacting with others helps you feel refreshed, in which case you might prefer activities like going out to dinner, taking a group fitness class, or attending concerts, sporting events, and festivals. Above all, don’t compromise or try to satisfy other people’s expectations. Caregiving is hard work, and these self-care activities will help you keep going.
Exercise: Identifying Self-Care Activities
Here’s a list of self-care activities that many people find enjoyable. Read through it and check off any that sound appealing to you:
___________ Watching funny movies or television shows
___________ Listening to soothing music
___________ Taking a long bath or shower
___________ Getting a pedicure or manicure
___________ Working on a puzzle
___________ Getting out in nature
___________ Playing with pets
___________ Building something by hand
___________ Lighting candles
___________ Going out for a treat, like ice cream or coffee
___________ Reading a book or magazine for pleasure
___________ Coloring a picture
___________ Planning a vacation
___________ Going fishing
___________ Praying
___________ Writing letters
___________ Daydreaming
___________ Cooking a meal
___________ Window shopping or browsing in a store
___________ Writing in a journal
___________ Learning a new skill, such as a foreign language, sport, type of dance, or art technique
___________ Sleeping in
___________ Creating a ritual that you do on a regular basis
What other ideas come to mind now that you’ve seen this list? Make a list in the journal you’ve been using for the writing exercises throughout this book and turn to it any time you feel at a loss about what you can do to take care of yourself.
The Power of the Written Word
Throughout this book, I’ve included exercises in which I asked you to write in a journal about your thoughts and feelings related to having a partner with anxiety. Hopefully you’ve been doing those writing exercises. Now I’d like to encourage you to keep a journal after you’ve finished reading this book. There are many benefits to journaling. Here are just a few:
A journal provides a safe, private place to express your thoughts and feelings.
Your journal entries can provide a record of what has happened to help you refresh your memory later.
You can explore new ideas in writing before trying them out in the real world.
You can get specific about plans for the future.
Research indicates that journaling also has many benefits for both mental and physical health (Pennebaker 2000). One reason for this may be that people who express their thoughts in writing feel relieved of the burdens of their stresses once they get them out of their head and onto paper. In fact, people who journal regularly tend to have fewer physical symptoms related to stress, are ill less often, and make fewer trips to the doctor (Pennebaker 2000). Who knew putting a pen to paper could be so effective?
There aren’t any rules about how to keep a journal or what to write in a journal, and you need not even use a formal journal. The main purpose is simply to have a place to express your true essence. Some people may write many pages every day. Others may prefer to jot short entries occasionally, or even just doodle or use pictures cut from magazines to express their thoughts. Others may make entries in a routine style, such as always recording the weather and highlights of the day. Do whatever works for you. Again, the purpose is to take care of yourself and have a positive experience.
Another option for journaling is an electronic approach. You might even consider blogging. Most blogging sites allow you to set privacy levels. If you’re concerned about a family member or someone else finding and reading a physical journal, a blog that’s password-protected and not available for others to browse online may be a solution. You could also write in a password-protected file on a computer.
Disclosure
Does this sound familiar? Once again, your partner isn’t with you when you show up at a party. People ask where she is, and you wonder, Do I tell the truth or make up an excuse? This isn’t the first time you’ve felt that you needed to make an excuse for your partner’s absence, and it’s getting old.
Deciding whether to be open about your partner’s anxiety is a personal decision. Just be aware that if you keep it a secret, not being open and honest can eat away at your self-esteem and leave you feeling isolated. On the other hand, this isn’t just about you; your partner is the one who’s anxious, and her privacy is at stake.
Although mental illness has received a great deal of media attention, there is still significant stigma around it. And although some people rightfully advocate that mental illness be regarded similarly to any other chronic physical illness, it’s not. People still react differently to the news that someone they know has diabetes versus anxiety, even though both illnesses are devastating on many levels.
The truth is, there isn’t one right answer to whether to tell others that your partner has anxiety, and no single ideal approach for how to tell them if you decide to do so. And as mentioned, your partner needs to be involved in the decision, since she’s the one struggling with anxiety. If she feels differently about appropriate levels of disclosure, the two of you should try to find an acceptable compromise.
Here are some considerations to keep in mind when deciding whether to disclose your partner’s illness:
What is the purpose of disclosing this information?
What kind of relationship do you have with the person you’re telling, and how might that person use the information?
How might you or your partner benefit by telling this person? What disadvantages might there be?
Regarding the purpose of the disclosure, you may have many valid reasons for wanting to tell others about your partner’s anxiety, including wanting support from family and friends, needing an employer to be flexible, or just because it’s not your nature to keep secrets. But what if your partner doesn’t want family and friends to know? After all, the people you’d like to tell may be her family and friends as well. As mentioned, you’ll need to discuss this and find an acceptable compromise. On one hand, your partner has a right to privacy. On the other hand, you have a right to be honest and feel supported.
Explaining why you’d like to tell specific people may help your partner understand your point of view. However, it’s important that you remain open to the reasons for your partner’s reluctance as well. She may be afraid of judgment, rejection, or mistreatment, and those may also be valid concerns depending on her history with the people you’d like to tell. A possible compromise would be to select one or two people both of you would feel safe sharing this information with, and then slowly expand the circle as your partner gets more comfortable with the information being public.
The second point, what kind of relationship you have with people you’re telling and how they might use that information, relates to the first point. For example, your partner may feel less threatened if you want to tell your employer, who doesn’t know her, than if you wa
nt to tell your partner’s historically critical mother or your best friend, who’s wonderful but tends to gossip. There may be valid reasons for telling these people. Perhaps your partner’s mother visits regularly and might notice a change in your partner’s behavior, or maybe you communicate with your best friend daily and he knows something’s up. In these situations, there would still be room for compromise. Perhaps you can communicate that something is indeed going on but limit the amount of information disclosed. Or perhaps after discussing it, you’ll both agree that keeping quiet is in everyone’s best interest.
Finally, taking into consideration what you’ve decided regarding the purpose of the disclosure and the relationship you have with the person you’re considering talking to, what are the benefits and the disadvantages to disclosing this information? Only you and your partner can figure this out, and you may disagree. What’s advantageous to you may be problematic for your partner, and vice versa.
It should be obvious by now, but if not, the bottom line is that you and your partner need to discuss any disclosure about her illness and come to an agreement that feels fair to both of you.
Support Groups
People tend to have strong opinions about working in groups. Some love it, and some hate it. People tend to have even stronger opinions about support groups, and they generally fall into the “hate it” side. Here are some reasons I often hear for not participating in support groups:
I’m not a “sharing” kind of person.
I don’t want others knowing my business.
Support groups are boring or a waste of my time.
I already know what the other group members are going to say.
People who need to attend support groups are losers. I can handle this myself.
If you fall into that camp, I’d like to encourage you to reconsider. Bear in mind that support groups aren’t the same as group therapy. Group therapy is a formal type of treatment for people with similar mental health conditions, led by a trained mental health professional. Support groups, which are often led by laypeople, have a variety of formats. They may be structured and include educational components, or they may be more focused on sharing experiences. Support groups are often geared toward family members of people struggling with an illness, and the loved one typically doesn’t attend so that the caregivers will feel freer to express themselves openly.
Loving Someone with Anxiety Page 15
