Loving Someone with Anxiety

by Kate N Thieda

  Unfortunate as it may be, many people experience the same types of problems. Getting them together in groups is an effective way to reach a lot of people in a short amount of time and also provides an opportunity for people to share their experience and help one another. It also helps with isolation, which can be a big issue when you have a partner with a mental illness such as anxiety. Plus, being in a group can provide reassurance about your relationship as you meet others who have faced similar challenges and still have their relationship intact. Hearing about their experiences may provide insight and useful tools for managing your own relationship. Conversely, by sharing your own experiences, you may be able to help someone else.

  Support groups can also provide practical tips about how to handle your partner’s anxiety and perhaps even information about new treatments that may be available. Members may share resources such as helpful books and articles, as well as recommendations about mental health professionals who are skilled at treating anxiety. To find support groups in your area, try searching online using keywords such as “family support group,” “anxiety,” and your city. You can also contact local mental health agencies to ask if they offer or know of any programs for partners of people with anxiety.

  If you aren’t seeing a therapist, a support group can provide an avenue to identifying difficulties you may be struggling with. You may even be able to work through those issues in a support group. On the other hand, once you experience the benefits of having an outlet in which you can process your thoughts and feelings, you may become interested in engaging in individual therapy.

  Individual Therapy

  People who have a partner with a mental illness often say things like “She’s the one with the problem, not me. Why should I go to therapy? Everything will be fine once she gets over the anxiety.” However, those people probably aren’t reading this book! But you are, and you’ve made it to the last chapter and are thinking about your own self-care. So here’s a suggestion: consider seeing a therapist yourself. Why? Because being a supportive partner to someone with anxiety takes a lot of effort and energy.

  You explored some of your feelings about your situation in chapter 3. Working with a trained therapist who can help you wade through those feelings and make sense of them will be even more helpful. Plus, it’s likely that your own self-care has gotten pushed to the side as you’ve focused on helping your partner. The suggestions and exercises in this chapter have probably given you some ideas for how you can recharge your own batteries, but a therapist can make additional suggestions and also offer support and reinforcement as you begin to make changes. And if you’re feeling depressed or anxious yourself, your therapist can help you overcome those challenges as well. Finally, having a neutral third party to listen to your concerns and provide validation and feedback can be a tremendous relief.

  In case you wonder, therapy need not be a long-term commitment; it can be of very short duration if that’s what you prefer. Either way, it’s just one more step you can take toward better self-care.

  Yes, You Can Say No to Your Partner

  Imagine that it’s Friday and you’ve had a long week. You’ve been looking forward to going out with your partner and friends tonight to kick off the weekend. But when you get home, your partner is obviously feeling anxious and tells you she doesn’t want to go.

  What do you do? Do you cancel your plans and stay home? Do you try to talk your partner into going? Or do you go alone? Those questions sound simple, but it’s not that easy when your partner has anxiety, is it?

  When you have a partner with anxiety, you sacrifice a lot. As discussed throughout the book, your partner probably has periods of time when she isn’t herself, can’t participate in daily activities, has difficulty working, and just generally isn’t holding up her end of the relationship bargain. However, given that you’ve read and worked through this entire book, it seems that you’ve decided you’re going to stay by her side and weather the storms of anxiety with her.

  This doesn’t have to mean giving up activities that are important to you or letting go of your own dreams. You have the right to live a rich and fulfilling life—not a narrow existence limited by your partner’s anxiety. To that end, here are some tips on how you can protect and enhance your own quality of life:

  Define your boundaries. You may be doing as much as you can to help your partner weather and overcome her anxiety. If you feel that you should be doing more but know in your heart that you just don’t have more to give, honor that reality. Understand and acknowledge your limits and then discuss them with your partner. You need to set clear boundaries about what you can and cannot do for your partner and for the relationship, or you’re likely to stretch yourself too thin. That’s a path you don’t want to take, as it can lead to depression, anger, low self-esteem, addictive behavior, increased stress, and burnout.

  Give yourself respite. Recovery from anxiety generally takes a long time; it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Most people who run marathons stop for breaks at water stations along the way, and those stations are strategically placed every couple of miles. On the journey to wellness with your partner, you need similar breaks for respite. The form this takes is entirely up to you, with just one guideline: Be sure to take small respite breaks on a regular basis. If you want a longer break every so often, such as a weekend away from your partner, by yourself or with family and friends, that’s fine. But in between those longer breaks, continue to schedule smaller, more frequent activities, such as going on a weekly group run with friends, taking a class a couple of nights each week, or scheduling time to engage in a hobby.

  Understand that your partner can survive without your constant support. Early in the recovery process, your partner might be feeling helpless, and you may feel unsure about how to help. There’s a good chance that your partner isn’t so severely compromised by her illness that she needs your attention and support all the time. She may feel that way, and she may make you feel that way. However, she is an adult and probably hasn’t forgotten how to attend to the basics of life. Plus, if you don’t respond to her every beck and call, she’ll learn that she’s capable of handling challenging situations, and this will be empowering in the long run. If you can’t get past feeling duty-bound to help or feeling guilty if you don’t, I recommend that you consider joining a support group or working with a therapist.

  Find the “yes.” As you work on setting boundaries, giving yourself respite, and not accommodating your partner’s every request for your help or support, you’ll probably find yourself saying no to your partner more often than you have been. As you do so, look for opportunities to say yes. For example, if you opt to go out with friends on Friday night as planned, without your partner, explain why this is important to you, and say you’ll do whatever she wants to do on Saturday. Relationships always involve compromise, and having a partner with anxiety doesn’t change that.

  What’s Next?

  No one can force you to do what’s in your best interests. It’s up to you to make good choices and take care of yourself so you can be at your best for your partner. If you aren’t in the habit of putting your own needs first, this is going to be a challenge, but it’s also a huge opportunity—and not just for you. Changing your own life for the better will create a ripple effect, benefiting everyone you come into contact with—including your anxious partner.

  Now that you’ve reached the end of this book, take some time to consider what you’ve learned. We’ve explored how anxiety has affected your relationship, what typical partner responses to anxiety are, and tools for communicating effectively. You’ve also learned a variety of techniques to combat anxiety, including acute anxiety and the six anxiety disorders. Hopefully you’ve also recognized the importance of self-care to support your own well-being amidst the challenges of being in a relationship with an anxious partner. Many of the ideas and techniques presented throughout this book take time and effort to implement, but the end results—less anxiety for your partner an
d an improved relationship for both of you—are worth it.

  Resources

  Anxiety

  Bassett, Lucinda. 1996. From Panic to Power: Proven Techniques to Calm Your Anxieties, Conquer Your Fears, and Put You in Control of Your Life. New York: HarperCollins.

  Bourne, Edmund. 2005. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

  Bourne, Edmund, and Lorna Garano. 2003. Coping with Anxiety: 10 Simple Ways to Relieve Anxiety, Fear, and Worry. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

  Burns, David. 2007. When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life. New York: Morgan Road Books.

  Butler, Gillian. 2008. Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques. New York: Basic Books.

  Daitch, Carolyn. 2011. Anxiety Disorders: The Go-To Guide for Clients and Therapists. New York: W. W. Norton.

  Foa, Edna, and Reid Wilson. 2001. Stop Obsessing: How to Overcome Your Obsessions and Compulsions. New York: Bantam.

  Otto, Michael, and Jasper Smits. 2011. Exercise for Mood and Anxiety: Proven Strategies for Overcoming Depression and Enhancing Well-Being. New York: Oxford University Press.

  Pavilanis, Steve. 2009. A Life Less Anxious: Freedom from Panic Attacks and Social Anxiety without Drugs or Therapy. Chicago: Alpen.

  Schiraldi, Glenn. 2009. The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth. New York: McGraw-Hill.

  Tolin, David. 2012. Face Your Fears: A Proven Plan to Beat Anxiety, Panic, Phobias, and Obsessions. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley and Sons.

  Wehrenberg, Margaret. 2008. The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques: Understanding How Your Brain Makes You Anxious and What You Can Do to Change It. New York: W. W. Norton.

  Wilson, Kelly, and Troy DuFrene. 2010. Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

  Wilson, Reid. 1996. Don’t Panic: Taking Control of Anxiety Attacks. New York: HarperCollins.

  Mindfulness

  Forsyth, John, and Georg Eifert. 2007. The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

  Gunaratana, Bhante Henepola. 2002. Mindfulness in Plain English. Somerville, MA: Wisdom Publications.

  Kabat-Zinn, Jon. 2005. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. New York: Hyperion.

  Kabat-Zinn, Jon. 2011. Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment—and Your Life. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

  Nhat Hanh, Thich. 1992. Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life. New York: Bantam.

  Orsillo, Susan, and Lizabeth Roemer. 2011. The Mindful Way Through Anxiety: Break Free from Chronic Worry and Reclaim Your Life. New York: Guilford Press.

  References

  American Psychiatric Association. 2000. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, text revision. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

  Antonacci, D., E. Davis, R. Bloch, C. Manuel, and S. Saeed. 2010. CAM for your anxious patient: What the evidence says. Current Psychiatry 9(10):43–52.

  Balch, P. 2006. Prescription for Nutritional Healing. New York: Penguin.

  Beck, A., and G. Emery. 2005. Anxiety Disorders and Phobias: A Cognitive Perspective. With R. Greenberg. Cambridge, MA: Basic Books.

  Bourdon, K. H., J. H. Boyd, D. S. Rae, B. J. Burns, J. W. Thompson, and B. Z. Locke. 1988. Gender differences in phobias: Results of the ECA community survey. Journal of Anxiety Disorders 2(3):227–241.

  Bourne, E. 2005. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

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  Cohen, L., D. Sichel, J. Dimmock, and J. Rosenbaum. 1994. Impact of pregnancy on panic disorder: A case series. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 55(7):284–288.

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  Hartung, R. 2010. Why does anxiety target women more? FSU researcher awarded $1.8M grant to find out. news.fsu.edu/More-FSU-News/News-Archive/2010/September/Why-does-anxiety-target-women-more-FSU-researcher-awarded-1.8M-grant-to-find-out. Accessed June 1, 2012.

  Kabat-Zinn, J. 1990. Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. New York: Random House.

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  Kessler, R., W. Chiu, O. Demler, and E. Walters. 2005. Prevalence, severity, and comorbidity of twelve-month DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry 62(6):617–627.

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  National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists. 2011. Cognitive-behavioral therapy. http://nacbt.org/whatiscbt.aspx. Accessed June 1, 2012.

  National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). 2009. Anxiety disorders. NIH Publication No. 09 3879. Available at www.nimh.nig.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/nimhanxiety.pdf. Accessed September 24, 2012.

  Pennebaker, J. 2000. Telling stories: The health benefits of narrative. Literature and Medicine 19(1):3–18.

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  Robins L. N., and D. A. Regier (eds.). 1991. Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study. New York: Free Press.

  Russell Research. 2004. Generalized anxiety disorder: Its effects on relationships. Unpublished poll results. Washington, DC: Anxiety Disorders Association of America.

  Shear, M., M. Cloitre, D. Pine, and J. Ross. 2005. Anxiety Disorders in Women: Setting a Research Agenda. Silver Spring, MD: Anxiety Disorders Association of America.

  Turgeon, L., A. Marchand, and G. Dupuis. 1998. Clinical features in panic disorder with agoraphobia: A comparison of men and women. Journal of Anxiety Disorders 12(6):539–553.

  Turner, S., D. Beidel, R. Roberson-Nay, and K. Tervo. 2003. Parenting behaviors in parents with anxiety disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy 41(5):541–554.

  Kate N. Thieda, MS, LPCA, NCC, is a licensed professional counselor associate, national certified counselor, and psychotherapist in Durham, North Carolina. She is the creator of the blog Partners in Wellness on the award-winning website psychcentral.com, targeted to partners of those who have mental illness. She graduated with her bachelor of arts from Michigan State University and a master of science in counseling from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.