He laughed and said, “Okay, let me ask you this. When’s the last time you beat your meat?” I asked him what the hell that had to do with saltpeter or potassium nitrate? He said saltpeter is put in the punch in order to suppress our sexual urges. It makes us less violent and keeps us calm. I really couldn’t believe what he was telling me, and I just brushed him off. But back in my cell I started to wonder why I hadn’t beat my meat in just over three months. Then it started to mess with my head—both heads. I wasn’t able to get the usual morning erection as before, and didn’t even have the urge to stroke it. That did it.
From then on, I refused to drink that punch. After a few days, as I started to forget about the whole saltpeter thing, I was awakened by the stiffest boner I ever had in my life! Man, it was at attention and saluting proudly. What else could I do but . . . relieve my stress.
Soldier’s Salute Ramen
Ingredients
1 pack shrimp flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
¼ cup chopped red onion
2 jalapeño chiles, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
Pinch of dried oregano
2 cans (3 ounces each) baby clams, drained
½ avocado, sliced
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Mix the onion, jalapeños, tomato, and oregano in a separate bowl.
5. Add the Ramen, seasoning, and baby clams. Mix well.
6. Top with the avocado slices.
No Stars Behind Bars
By David Anthony Faustino
Being a celebrity from a hit TV show had its advantages. Dinner at the finest restaurants without a reservation. The front of the line of the hardest clubs to get into. Getting attention from girls I should never get attention from. Also, rarely getting harassed by cops. I’d fly down the 101 like a spoiled little brat, and when I’d get pulled over, they’d say, “Hey. It’s Bud Bundy! How’s your sister, bro?” No tickets for me in L.A. or anywhere nearby.
Once, my (now ex) wife and I went to visit her family from Daytona Beach, Florida. We went out with some friends one night and I got extremely drunk. I started to argue with my wife in public. It got so bad that three cops swooped down on us. I tried pulling the old “I’m Bud Bundy” shit, but I was such a sloppy, rude drunk, the cops said, “We don’t care. You’re going to jail.” I spent about six hours in a single-man cell. Unbelievably, when they came to get me, I start talking shit again. I called the woman who was booking me all kinds of names. Finally, another officer yelled out, “Yo, dog, I swear to God, shut up or you’re back in that cell for a long time!” I shut my mouth and didn’t say another word.
After this incident, I cut way back on alcohol. I realized that when I drink too much, I’m nothing more than that loud asshole at the party that no one likes. Who wants to be that guy?
David Anthony Faustino is an American rapper who has appeared in dozens of films and television series, and is primarily known for his role as Bud Bundy on the FOX sitcom Married . . . with Children from 1987 to 1997, and for voicing Mako in The Legend of Korra.
Wet Ramen Burrito
Ingredients
2 flour tortillas
1 bag (8 ounces) of Cheez-Its, or any other empty plastic chip bag to form the burrito
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
½ cup of Cheez-Its or any cheese cracker
½ cup refried beans
1 summer sausage (about 9 ounces), chopped, or 1 can (9 ounces) Vienna sausage, drained and chopped
1 small bag (about ¼ cup) Cheetos, crushed in bag
1 hot pickle, chopped
1½ cups boiling water
3 tablespoons squeezable cheese, or more to taste
1. Place one flour tortilla, open, inside the bottom of the plastic chip bag.
2. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper. Pour it into the bag on top of the open tortilla.
3. Add the seasoning, Cheez-Its, refried beans, sausage, Cheetos, and hot pickle.
4. Cover the mixture with the other flour tortilla. Wrap the top tortilla together with the bottom tortilla, nice and tight. The bag helps to hold the form of the burrito.
5. Add the water. Carefully fold the bag tightly and let sit for about 8 minutes.
6. When ready, slide the burrito out of the bag and onto a plate, and top it with the squeezable cheese.
The Art of Carrying a Weapon
In the federal prison system, carrying a weapon undetected is an art. There are metal detectors in every officer’s hand, and everyone is swiped before entering any building. So inmates came up with a much deadlier weapon, one that’s a lot easier to hide from the common metal detector: the razor blade. Masterfully cracking open the plastic housing of a disposable shaving razor with a set of nail clippers, you very carefully remove the delicate blade from the plastic shaver. If used properly, you can slice a man’s jugular vein in one quick swipe. Easy to carry, easy to hide. It can be carried in the mouth, sticking to the side of your tongue or against your cheek. The COs never seem to swipe a face with their metal detectors.
Ramen Spaghetti
Ingredients
2 packs beef flavor Ramen
1½ cups boiling water
1 jar or pouch (10 ounces) meatballs in tomato sauce
1 onion, chopped
Pinch of garlic powder
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Set aside one of the seasoning packets; save the other for another use.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Meanwhile, mix the meatballs, onion, seasoning, and garlic powder in a microwavable bowl.
5. Cover and microwave for 3 to 5 minutes, until hot.
6. Pour the mixture over the Ramen.
Escaping, Forever
For years, outside my cell window stood a huge fence, twenty feet high, covered with razor-tipped barbed wire. I have no doubt that almost every prisoner thought of hitting that fence at least once. Some guys would do more than think about it. For many of us, doing time became worse than the idea of being dead. Those were the ones that would make a run for the fence, hoping to be shot and killed. This was known as “suicide by escape.”
I saw it in action in a way that just broke my heart. A good friend of mine was waiting for his family on visitation day. It was the best part of his week and they were very reliable. He’d always leave his time with them with a smile on his face and plenty of goodwill for everyone he ran into. One day, they just didn’t show up. He sat there, hour after hour, wondering what the holdup was. They didn’t show up all day and didn’t answer the phone when he called.
Two days later a guard came to escort him to the chapel where the chaplain gave him the bad news. His family had crashed on the highway on their way up to visit him. His wife, kids, and mother-in-law all died in the accident. There were no survivors. With many years to go in his sentence, he literally had nothing to live for.
Rumors quickly spread that he actually made it over the first fence. But by the second fence, two shots from a Mini-14 rifle gave him his freedom . . . to be with his family.
Caldo de Pollo (Chicken Soup)
Ingredients
1 pack chicken flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
½ cup chopped baby carrots
¼ cup chopped onion
Pinch of garlic powder
½ cup shredded or chopped cooked chicken breast
1 jalapeño chile, chopped
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, stir, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Add the carrots, onion, garlic powder, chicken, and jalapeño. Mix well.
4. Cover and let sit until the vegetables are warm.
The Apprentice
by Alma Blake, former Correctional Officer
As a former CO, I was a curiosity to the women I was incarcerated with. The first person to befriend me was Colombiana, and she resembled my mother. With her heavy accent she told me, “You see all these women? They all have a trade. They all know how to do or make something to help them get by. We all work at something. What can you do?” I didn’t have a response, so she peppered me with questions: “ Can you cook prison style? Can you draw? Can you color, gamble, thread eyebrows, sew?” My silence said it all. I didn’t know how to do any of those things. She offered me a plate of her delicious food and told me, “Don’t worry, Mami, we will find you something to do.” I felt ashamed that even though I had worked for over eight years in a prison, I was the most ignorant inmate. Then Colombiana asked, “Can you read and write?” Almost laughing, I said “Yes!” She gave me a piece of paper and told me to write out a recipe she’d dictate. When she saw my handwriting she smiled at me and said, “I think I just found you a job.” Colombiana was a fine artist and made greeting cards for anyone in need of a birthday or holiday card, but she had terrible handwriting. I became her apprentice and filled in the greetings on the cards. I would not have made it through my time in prison without her help. We developed a friendship that lasts to this day.
Alma Blake worked as a correctional officer. She served time for an infraction committed while a CO. She now works in a civilian capacity in her hometown of El Paso, TX. She teaches her sons to respect and understand the reasons for the law, with the hope that they may pursue a career in it one day.
Ramen for a Newcomer
Ingredients
2 packs chicken picante flavor Ramen
3 cups boiling water
½ teaspoon crushed red pepper
¼ teaspoon garlic powder
½ teaspoon soy sauce
Tortilla chips
1. Place the Ramen into a bowl without breaking it. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the boiling water, crushed red pepper, garlic powder, and soy sauce.
3. Mix well, and let it sit for 8 minutes.
4. When ready, top it with a handful of tortilla chips.
Brother Against Brother
There was a time back in the day when convicts, all dressed in blue, wouldn’t fight one another. Instead we’d stand united, fighting against the cops who would be dressed in green. Those days are long gone. We don’t have the unity we once had.
A riot can occur at the most unexpected times. It seems to me that racial fighting was the main motivation in most of the riots I saw . . . and participated in. Black against white, brown against black, or brown against white. Sometimes, there was even fighting within the races, but it was still about race. For example, you’d have Mexican immigrants fighting in big riots against the Mexican American homeboys. This discourages me because I feel as if the guys I’m fighting against could be my uncles or my brothers.
These stupid riots between us always stem from some type of drug debt or power trip. I’ve been in many riots, but riots against my own race have been the most tragic. Lots of stabbing and fighting to the death. Vicious soldiers out to destroy one another, fighting the wrong enemy.
Ramen Beef Bowl
Ingredients
1 pack picante beef flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 summer sausage (about 9 ounces), chopped, or 1 can (9 ounces) Vienna sausage, drained and chopped
1 can (about 12 ounces) ready-to-eat roast beef
1 bag (about 4 ounces) pork skins or rinds
½ onion, chopped
3 jalapeño chiles, chopped
¾ cup soy sauce
¾ cup grape jelly
Note: This was often sold in the commissary as “roast beef dinner with gravy.” If that’s what you find, drain off the gravy.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Meanwhile, combine the sausage, roast beef, pork skins, onion, jalapeños, seasoning, soy sauce, and jelly in a microwavable bowl. Mix well.
5. Cover and microwave for about 10 minutes, until hot.
6. Add the Ramen. Mix well.
Pranking to Pass the Time
by Rusty Coones
In 1999 I was rounded up in a federal conspiracy case. An attorney was once quoted as saying, “A grand jury could indict a ham sandwich under federal conspiracy laws.” I saw the evidence of that. Eventually, I was sentenced to eight years.
We had our own table where only “our guys” sat. On Sundays they brought out the toasters, but there was always a line waiting to toast bread. So we had a guy who would wait in line for us and toast the bread. We named him the Toastmaster General.
We were always looking for something to break the monotony of doing time. I liked pranking people. I got together with a couple of guys one time and we posted notices on the bulletin boards all over the prison saying it was mattress exchange day. Everyone was required to take his mattress up to the laundry room during yard time before lunch. About a hundred guys lined up at the guard shack, trying to get through the metal detector with their mattresses, until the guards figured out it was a hoax.
Rusty Coones is the lead guitar player for Attika7, a custom bike builder for Illusion Motorcycles, and a costar on Sons of Anarchy.
Baked Chicken Ramen
Ingredients
1 pack chicken flavor Ramen
½ cup water
½ cup chopped baked chicken breast
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, stir, cover, and microwave for 3 to 5 minutes, until the Ramen is soft.
3. Add the chicken, stir, re-cover, and microwave for 1 minute more.
Prison Boots
Inmates are separated for a variety of reasons, including what is easy to see (race) and what is much more complex (gang affiliation). There’s a little prison legend about how two Hispanic groups broke apart. A long time ago, it is said that all California Hispanics were united as one in the California Department of Corrections. Northern and Southern California Hispanics stuck together and were powerful in prison and on the streets. Supposedly, one day in the late 1960s all that changed. A Southern Hispanic gang member accused a Northern gang member of stealing his boots. After weeks of mounting tension, a most vicious riot occurred between the Northern and Southern Hispanics. I’m sure there was more to it than those stinking boots, but my experience is that we Hispanics are a prideful lot, and we don’t back down from a disagreement, no matter how ridiculous it is.
To this day, these two sides are worst enemies, both in prison and now on the streets. The only thing other than race they have in common is their stinking, ugly prison boots.
Dirty Ramen
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 package (5.7 to 8 ounces) microwavable dirty rice
1 summer sausage (about 9 ounces), chopped, or 1 can (9 ounces) Vienna sausage, drained and chopped
½ cup chopped green beans
½ cup chopped carrots
½ cup chopped onion
Note: “Dirty rice” is white rice cooked with seasonings. If you can’t find it, any flavored microwavable rice will do.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Meanwhile, microwave the rice as directed on the p
ackage.
5. Add the rice to the Ramen.
6. Mix the sausage, green beans, carrots, and onion in a microwavable bowl. Cover and microwave for 5 minutes, until hot.
7. Add the sausage mixture to the Ramen and rice. Mix well.
No Warning Shots
When I first started doing time in the early 1990s, every gun tower had a sign with the same promise: ONE WARNING SHOT. This meant that if you did not get down when the alarm rang, or as soon as the first warning shot let out, the next shot would have your name on it. Many a time, I’d be eating indoors in the chow hall when a fight would start outside on the yard. The alarm would go off, signifying get down. A second later, you’d hear the first warning shot—a Mini-14 rifle aimed out the window of the gun tower toward the sky. The sound was so loud it left your ear drums ringing. It was a real attention-getter.
Gang hits in the late ’90s were getting crazier by the day—most of the attacks would continue even after the first shot rang out. Performing a hit this way, with total disregard for the warning shots, is called a “torpedo hit.” These acts were usually done by youngsters trying to make a name for themselves. Some were successful in the hit, while others might get shot and end up in worse condition than the guy they were sent out to hit.
Prison Ramen Page 5
