“You can’t think of yourself that way,” Cassie said. “Noah, however you came into this world, you are a good person. Your mother loves you and she wants you to be happy.”
Noah shook his head. “My mom is a kind, wonderful person. She was raised by two amazing people. I never got to meet my grandmother. You’ve met my grandfather. And by God, he does love me, although I swear I can’t understand how he can even stand to look at me. But you can’t tell me that if he could go back and save his daughter from being taken by my father that he wouldn’t have done that.”
“That doesn’t mean…”
“Cassie,” Noah said. “If I hadn’t stopped Tom from raping you, you might have gotten pregnant. Would you have wanted that? Or wanted the bastard child that would have been a result? Of course not. I’m not here because of two people who loved each other. Or even a drunken moment of carelessness. I’m here because a monster preyed on women. On my mother. She was going to be a teacher. She had a boyfriend. They might have gotten married. She would have had a nice life. If he hadn’t stolen it. And even once the FBI recued us, it was too late. The cancer is too far gone. If she had gotten out a few years earlier, she might have been saved, but she didn’t. So all she has is me.”
Noah turned and walked a little further away. Once again, Cassie went to him.
“It’s not your fault,” Cassie said. “You can’t help how you came into this world, but you’re here. And these people love you. Diana. Your mom. Your grandfather. Me. We love you.”
“There’s more. More you need to understand.” Noah turned to face her. “My father wanted me to be like him. He ignored me for years, but when I was old enough he decided that I should be like him. If he had his way, I would be like him.”
“But you’re not,” Cassie said. “Noah, you’re not anything like him. You’re not cruel or violent.”
“I’m not?” Noah said. “As much as I hate him, I come from him. How much of him is inside of me? I don’t look like my mother’s side of the family. Whatever twisted, evil thing that made him what he was, it’s there. Inside of me.”
Cassie placed her hand over his heart.
“I don’t believe that,” she said.
He took her hand and kissed her fingertips. “Doesn’t mean it’s not true.” He stepped back once again, but this time he didn’t turn away.
“So why go?” Cassie asked. “Why are you going to see him? I don’t understand.”
“I made a deal,” Noah said.
“So break it,” Cassie said. “Who cares about him?”
“Not me,” Noah said with a humorless laugh. “I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for them.”
“Them?”
“The women he killed,” Noah said. “And their families. Every year I go up to see him. He asks me questions about my life as if he cares, then he says a few things that are cruel. Then he tells me where I can find the remains of one of his victims. They’re buried in different places. On Saturday, when I turn nineteen, my father will give me the gift of helping a family find and bury their daughter. The McMillians. Their daughter’s name was Alyssa. She was seventeen when she was taken. Only twenty two when she died. I was seven when I watched him rape and strangle her. I can still see her eyes, watching me. Begging me to save her. I tried to do something then, but I couldn’t.
“She was a wonderful girl who loved to dance and paint. She used to help me draw. I couldn’t save her then, but the least I can do is help bring her home for her mom and dad.”
Cassie cried as he spoke. She wanted to comfort him, but she had no idea how.
“And when he gives me the location, he’ll give me a name,” Noah said. “The next victim. He’s got nine more after her. So I’ll keep going until I’ve brought them all home.”
He began to walk back to the car. Cassie quickly followed. When he turned around again, she waited for him to say more.
“I’m taking you home now,” Noah said. “It’s late and you have school. You need time to process this, but now you know.”
Noah kissed her. Just a small, gentle kiss on top of her head.
“This last week has been wonderful,” Noah said. “And more than I ever expected. I should have told you long ago. Warned you about who I am. What I am. I want you to think about it and know I’ll understand when you tell me it’s too much.”
“Noah,” Cassie said. “I’m not going to…”
“Don’t,” Noah interrupted. “Don’t say anything tonight. You need to think about what this means. Don’t react out of sympathy. I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me to get lost.”
Cassie went to say something else, but Noah wouldn’t let her.
“Not tonight,” he said. “Please.”
Before she could say anything, Noah got her in the car. He drove her home and walked her to the door.
He didn’t kiss her again.
* * * *
Cassie’s father was already in bed when she got home, and he was gone when she woke up the next morning. She managed to avoid Tyler until he left for his school bus. Both she and Noah didn’t have any classes until second period. She wanted to talk to him, but she still wasn’t sure what to say. When the doorbell rang, she hesitated for just a moment.
When she opened the door, she realized she wouldn’t have to worry about that.
“Hey,” Ben said. “Noah called and asked if I could pick you up today. Said he had somewhere to be.”
“I bet he did.”
Ben leaned against the doorframe. “Did you two have a fight?”
“No,” she said. “Come on in.”
“What happened?” Ben asked. “He sounded off. And you look pissed.”
“I can’t go into detail,” Cassie said. “But he finally opened up about his past.”
Ben’s eyebrows shot up. “So? Was it as bad as we thought it was?”
Cassie shivered as she recalled what Noah told her the night before. “Worse. So much worse.”
Ben nodded. “Okay. I get you don’t want to tell me, but what did you say to him?”
Cassie crossed her arms. “I didn’t say anything. He didn’t give me a chance. So yeah, I’m pissed. And I’m going to do something about it. Can you hang out and wait for a little bit? I’ve got to go do something before I can leave. I’ll be as fast as possible, but you might be late for your first class.”
Ben gave Cassie a hug. “Take your time. I have a feeling Noah’s about to get his ass kicked.”
* * * *
“I thought you weren’t leaving until tomorrow.”
Noah looked over and saw Walter standing in his room.
“Change of plans,” Noah said. “I already talked to Diana. We’re leaving this morning. I’m going to pick her up.”
“Why?” Walter asked. “Why this morning?”
Noah thought about lying, but changed his mind. His grandfather deserved the truth.
“I told Cassie last night,” he said. “She knows what happened and where I’m going. I want to give her time to think about it.”
Walter nodded. “I see. What did she say?”
Noah turned back to his bed and continued to shove things into his suitcase. “Nothing. I didn’t give her the chance to say anything.”
“And what did you expect her to say?”
Noah closed his suitcase and pulled it off the bed. “I’m the product of monster. Just like the monster that raped and killed her mother. She’s a kind person, so her first reaction was going to be to be kind. She needs a few days to really let it sink in.”
“And then?”
Noah shrugged. “I really don’t know.”
Walter gave his grandson a hug. “I think you’ll be surprised.”
Noah returned the embrace, something that surprised Walter. Then he picked up his suitcase and headed toward the stairs.
“Say goodbye to your mother before you leave,” Walter called out.
Noah put his suitcase by the front door as Walter made his way do
wn the stairs. He walked into his mother’s room to tell her goodbye.
“Good morning, Noah.”
Cassie Shaw was sitting by his mother’s bedside, holding her hand.
“I don’t understand,” Noah said. “What are you doing here? Didn’t Ben take you to school? Did Grandpa call you?”
“Nobody called me. And Ben was nice enough to wait for me while I packed a bag and then he drove me over here.” Cassie smiled. “I was just explaining to your mom how I’m going with you.”
“You’re what?”
“I’m going with you,” Cassie said. “Now come say goodbye to your mom and then go put my suitcase in your car.”
Noah was too stunned to say much of anything as Walter came into the room. “I told you she’d surprise you. Now, do as your girlfriend tells you.”
Noah looked from one face to another.
Then he did as he was told.
* * * *
“I was surprised to see you with Noah,” Diana said. “But pleasantly. I had the impression that something was wrong when Noah called and told me that he wanted to leave this morning.”
Cassie smiled and looked back at her. “That’s because Noah doesn’t think much of me.”
“I never said…” Noah began.
“Hush,” Cassie told him. She was satisfied when he closed his mouth. “Last night, Noah told me about what happened to you. I’m so very sorry.”
“Thank you,” Diana said. “Did he really tell you everything?”
Cassie started to say yes, but realized this was Noah she was talking about.
“Hard to say,” Cassie said. “He told me a whole lot, and I’ll be honest, my brain was on overload last night. But did he tell me everything? You’ll have to ask Noah that.”
Diana smiled. “You have a very smart girl here.”
Noah shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“So,” Cassie said. “What didn’t he tell me?”
Diana looked at Noah. “Noah probably told you about what Nathaniel did to me and the other women, but he probably left out what Nathaniel used to do to him. Nathaniel wanted Noah to learn how to fight, so he would train him like he was a marine. Make him do workouts, put him through drills. That started when Noah was less than four. He’d put Noah in a position to try and defend one of us. That started when he was around five, from what I’m told. I wasn’t there at first.”
Cassie looked over to Noah, who kept his eyes on the road.
“No,” Cassie said. “He didn’t mention that.”
Diana didn’t look surprised.
“He wouldn’t,” she said. “He wouldn’t talk about how Nathaniel made him a victim as well. Or of everything Noah tried to do to protect us. Even as a small child, Noah was very sweet and kind. Nathaniel ignored Noah as a baby or even a toddler, but as he got older and stronger, he took more of an interest. Oftentimes, he would do things for Noah. He’d take Noah out, but only after wiring the house to explode.”
“Explode?” Cassie said.
“It was a way of controlling Noah,” Diana said. “Nathaniel would show Noah the explosives. They were on a timer. If they weren’t back by a certain time, we would die. He used to also have a remote detonator.”
“My God,” Cassie said.
“There was only one time Noah tried anything,” Diana continued. “And that was only because of Claire.”
“Claire?”
“She doesn’t need to hear this,” Noah said as he pulled off the road into a small rest area. “I didn’t tell her about Claire because she doesn’t need to hear what I did.”
“I think she does,” Diana said. She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned forward. She put her hand on Noah. “Nathaniel got many of us pregnant. Most of the time, we lost the pregnancies early. Claire was one of the exceptions. She was born healthy when Noah was nine, but she got ill at about three months old. Noah convinced Nathaniel to take her to a free clinic that was several towns away. She got some antibiotics. On the way back, they stopped at a store.
“Noah had managed to hide Claire in the store with a note explaining that she wasn’t safe at home,” Diana explained. “He used a doll that he stole to trick Nathaniel, who wasn’t paying attention. They got all the way back before Nathaniel realized. We had a small TV that got local channels. Claire was found and put into protective custody. She’d be about nine now. She was adopted. Nathaniel was furious with Noah for tricking him. He didn’t care about Claire being gone. He had no use for a young daughter. But he was furious that Noah had tricked him.”
“What did he do to Noah?” Cassie asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” Noah said. “The point is that Claire, or whoever she is now, is safe.”
“She’s going to find out what he did eventually,” Diana said.
But Noah just shook his head. “You’re making it out like I was some sort of brave hero. Like what I did was so wonderful, but it was cruel. Pamela has never forgiven me.”
Cassie took Noah’s hand. “Claire was Pamela’s daughter?”
Noah nodded. “What I did was best for Claire, but it destroyed Pamela. I took her only child away and I didn’t give her a chance to say goodbye.”
“You saved a child’s life,” Diana said. “And you gave the police a big clue that would lead them to us, four years later. She wasn’t just Pamela’s daughter. She was also your sister. You lost her too. Trust me, if I had been given the same choice for Kristin, I would have taken it.”
“Kristin?” Cassie asked.
“My daughter,” Diana said. She began crying as she spoke. “Also Noah’s half-sister. And the only other pregnancy that resulted in the birth of a live baby. She lived for five weeks before she died in my arms.”
Tears ran down Cassie’s face for Diana and for Noah. She wanted to hug them both, but Noah had turned away and Diana was getting out of the car.
“I need a moment,” Diana said. “I’ll meet you two inside in five minutes.”
Cassie watched her go, wishing she had some words that could make things better. She started to get out to go after her, but Noah put a hand on her arm.
“Give her a few minutes to collect herself.”
Cassie nodded. “I just can’t begin to fathom what you two have gone through. Or the others.”
“I understand,” Noah said. “It’s natural to feel sorry for us.”
He got out of the car and just stood, facing the highway for a moment. Cassie got out and went to him.
“Do you think I’m here because of some sort of pity for you and Diana?” she asked.
He didn’t answer, which told her that she was right. Cassie thought back to her relationship with Adam. How they stayed together when they shouldn’t have. How she had made assumptions about his feelings.
“Noah,” Cassie said. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m here because I love you and I want to be there for you. And you need to learn to accept that.”
Noah’s eyes found hers. Before he could say anything more, she kissed him. When she broke the kiss, she put her arms around him.
“Just let me be there for you,” she said. “Please.”
Noah just stared at her. She looked at his face and saw the hurt and frightened child that Noah kept buried inside.
“I don’t know how,” he said.
She moved to him, put her arms around him and kissed him.
“I’ll show you,” she said. “Just trust me. If I say I’m here because I love you, believe me. Talk to me. No more secrets. I know it’s not easy, but please just try.”
Noah buried his face in her hair and nodded. She took his hand and together they walked inside.
* * * *
Diana had collected herself by the time Noah and Cassie joined her inside. They ate a quick meal as a late breakfast, mostly in silence. There were too many people around for any of them to feel comfortable discussing the reason for their trip.
Cassie embraced Diana before they got back in the car.
“Thank y
ou for coming,” Diana said. “I know it’s hard for him, but it’s so good that you’re here for him.”
“I’m here for you, too,” Cassie said.
They hugged again and got in.
Cassie didn’t ask any other questions about what had happened, but Diana did fill in a few more details. They all had a hand in raising Noah. They had all helped educate him so once they did get rescued, he wasn’t as far behind as he might have been. Paige had been a teacher before she was taken. So had two of the other women that Nathaniel had kidnapped, Kara and Marybeth. Neither of them had made it out alive. Kara’s body was recovered last year. Noah didn’t know when they would be able to bring Marybeth home to her family.
The police had known there was a serial killer on the loose. They knew his patterns, his hunting grounds, but they could never get a lead on him until Noah had left Claire for them to find. Somehow, they connected the two and realized that the abductor must be keeping the victims alive.
When they first found them, Noah was certain that he would be joining his father in prison for the rest of his life.
“Why?” Cassie asked. “You were just as much a victim as the others.”
“No,” Noah said. “I wasn’t.”
Cassie looked back to Diana.
“Nathaniel wanted to make Noah into a monster like him,” Diana explained. “So in his mind Noah doesn’t get to enjoy the same status as ‘victim’ like the rest of us. Never mind the beatings he endured, The whippings, the electric shocks, the hunger, the moments of sheer terror when Nathaniel would put a gun to Noah’s head and pull the trigger. He’d force Noah to fight him, telling him if he didn’t he’d kill one of us. And so Noah would fight. A malnourished child against a thirty-two-year-old former marine. And then when Noah lost, Nathaniel would tie Noah up, humiliate him and make him watch as he raped us, saying that it was all Noah’s fault for not being able to protect us. And when it was over and he untied Noah, all Noah could think of was tending to us.”
Diana stroked the back of Noah’s neck, smoothing the hair down. “But no,” she said. “Noah doesn’t see himself as a victim. He still thinks that Nathaniel succeeded and put a monster inside of him.”
Just Breathe Page 14
