Just Breathe

by Vincent Morrone

  “Moms are supposed to chase away your nightmares, but that’s hard to do when you’re living inside of one. But Mom, she always did what she could. She’d squirrel away little bits of food so we could pretend to have a banquet. Whenever someone was depressed, Mom made it her business to be there for them.

  “Sometimes, it took more than just laughter to get through the day. When Diana lost Kristin, Mom stayed up with her for many nights. When Paige was hurt and could barely walk, Mom tended to her. When we all knew that Lauren wasn’t going to make it through the night, Mom held her hand until she passed.

  “I imagine a lot of kids remember things like how their moms got them baseball gloves, or video games. Or took them to places like the zoo or the amusement park. Mom couldn’t do those things for me. What she could do was make me forget where I was at times. And she gave me many things. She gave me her kindness. She gave me hope that someday I would be free and able to live a full life. And most of all, she gave me joy.”

  Noah stopped for a moment. His voice caught in his throat as tears poured down his face.

  “Mom loved me. It’s because of her that I know how to love. And I loved Mom. It’s not easy to say goodbye to her and today is a very sad day, but those gifts that she gave me—love, kindness, and joy—will be with me forever.”

  Noah paused a moment longer.

  “I love you, Mom.”

  * * * *

  After the funeral and burial, everyone returned to Noah’s home where there was food and drinks for everyone. Cassie noticed that Noah was subdued, even for him. She was worried about him sinking into a depressive state, but so far he seemed to be handling things as well as one could expect. He ate a little bit of food and he didn’t drift away from everyone. Mostly, Noah stayed with Cassie.

  Cassie felt that Noah liked to watch as his new friends interacted with his family. Ben talked football with Walter, Malcolm, and her father. They made plans to watch the Super Bowl together. Tyler talked Paige’s ear off about everything from school to the girl he was still crushing on. Paige seemed to hang on his every word. Cassie realized that she probably reminded Tyler of their mom. Coretta, who was planning on going into nursing, spent time with Jenna and Betty, two of the nurses who had been with Noah’s mother for some time.

  When the dog & bone rang, Walter answered it. He went to a private room, then returned a few moments later and handed the phone to Noah.

  “It’s Amber,” Walter said in a soft voice. “She feels very bad about today.”

  Noah nodded as he took the phone. He excused himself and headed for a different room for some privacy.

  Megan and Brady took that moment to approach Cassie.

  “How is he?” Megan asked.

  “About as well as you can expect,” Cassie answered. “It wasn’t a surprise. She’d been sick for some time, but it still hurts.”

  “His eulogy was very beautiful,” Brady said. “But what the hell did he mean? He talked like they were prisoners of war.”

  Cassie considered her response carefully. She didn’t feel comfortable telling them about Noah’s life, but it was a valid question. One that was brought on by Noah’s own words. Maybe he was ready to open up.

  But that wasn’t Cassie’s decision to make.

  “It’s complicated,” she said.

  Megan and Brady did identical eye rolls.

  “You’re kidding us, right?” Megan asked. “Are you sure you know what you’re even getting into with Noah? I mean, I think he’s really sweet. And I love the way you are around him, not to mention he’s really freaking hot. But Cassie, if it’s that complicated…”

  “Maybe complicated isn’t the right word,” Cassie interjected. “But it’s private.”

  Megan and Brady sighed.

  “I see two of those women are here,” Brady said. “What about the other two? Or all the ones he got texts from?”

  “The texts were from his mom’s nurses,” Cassie said. “Coretta is talking to a couple of them now. There were more at the funeral that didn’t come back to the house. Diana and Paige are here. Amber couldn’t make it.”

  “Have you met them all?” Brady asked.

  Cassie shook her head. “Just Diana and Paige. But I know about Amber and Pamela. Noah told me the other day that he’d like to take me to meet Amber soon.”

  “Amber?” Brady said. “But not Pamela?”

  “Not yet,” Cassie said. “Why?”

  “I think you’re about to,” Brady said and pointed to the door.

  Pamela was at the door. She stumbled in, looked around and started to call for Noah. Diana headed over.

  “Where’s Noah?” Pamela called.

  “He’s in the other room,” Diana said. “What are you doing?”

  “What do you mean?” Pamela said. “Jean was my friend too. I came to pay my respects. She was one of the only things that kept me sane in that fucking hell hole.”

  “Pamela,” Diana scolded. “Bring it down.”

  Seeing Paige tell Tyler to go into the other room as she struggled to get up and walk over to Diana, Cassie excused herself from her friends and went over to assist her.

  “Don’t tell me to bring it down!” Pamela yelled. “I don’t got to shut my mouth like I did all those years. Now, where is Noah? He’s not still upset with me? It was just one fucking slap. Nothing like what that asshole of a father did to all of us.”

  “You hit Noah?” Diana asked. “And now you show up to his house drunk? In front of his friends?”

  Pamela glared at her. “Am I that much of a fuckin’ embarrassment? Noah doesn’t want me to meet his friends? Why not? I love him, despite what he did to me. To my baby!”

  “Enough,” Paige said quietly. “You know very well that Noah loves you. And he saved Claire. He did what was best for your daughter and you know it. And we know how much you miss her, but you have to stop this. Today is hard enough on Noah. He doesn’t need this.”

  Pamela smiled drunkenly. “What do you know? At least Diana knows what it’s like to lose a baby. All the times Nathaniel raped you, you never got pregnant, did you? I guess you were one of the lucky ones.”

  “Stop it now,” Diana ordered. “I’m taking you home so you can sleep it off. I’ll stay with you if you like.”

  “I don’t need you to take me home,” Pamela said. “I got here on my own, didn’t I?”

  “You drove here like this?” Paige said. “You could have killed yourself—or someone else. How would you have felt if you killed some poor child?”

  Pamela rolled her eyes. That’s when she saw Cassie.

  “Who the fuck is this pretty thing?” she asked.

  “This is Cassie,” Paige said. “Noah’s friend.”

  Pamela studied Cassie. “So the boy finally got a girlfriend. Noah’s got good taste like his father did. You’re lucky you never ran into Nathaniel when he was free. He would have put your ass in that dungeon of his with the rest of us.”

  “Pamela!” Noah said. “Enough.”

  He came in from the other room and went to Cassie’s side.

  “You don’t want me to embarrass you in front of your girlfriend?” Pamela asked.

  “No,” Noah said. “I don’t want you to embarrass yourself. Pamela, I want you to be a part of my life, but not like this. Please, let me help you.”

  Noah stepped in front of Cassie. “But I’m not going to let you hurt people I love. Now give me your keys. You’re not driving. I can take you home, or you can go lie down in one of the bedrooms.”

  Pamela looked stunned. Noah had probably never talked to her like that before. Slowly, she reached in her purse and handed her keys to Noah.

  “I loved your mom,” Pamela said as she started to cry. “You know that, right?”

  Noah nodded and took Pamela in his arms. “I know.”

  Cassie watched as Noah led Pamela upstairs. Diana followed. She turned and looked at the rest of the room. The nurses seemed unsurprised, as if they had witnessed this
before. But her friends seemed shocked. She knew that, like it or not, Noah’s secrets were about to come out.

  * * * *

  The nurses left, as did all of Walter’s friends. Noah had sent down word through Diana to ask his friends to stay and wait for him. When Pamela had finally fallen asleep, he found them on the back porch.

  “First off,” Noah began, “thank you all for coming today. It means more to me than you can ever know. I’m sorry for what happened earlier with Pamela. I know I’ve never been very upfront with you about where I come from. It’s never been easy to talk about. Let me explain why.”

  Noah took a deep breath. Holding on to Cassie’s hand, he told them about Nathaniel James Hunt, his victims and the five women and one young boy who survived his house of horrors.

  Cassie noticed that he told it differently than he had with her. He didn’t speak of it as if it were a personal shame that he carried himself. He no longer flinched at the sympathy and support that people expressed. When he was done, he simply shrugged.

  Cassie looked to her friends. Coretta had her hand over her mouth for most of the time. Both she and Megan were crying. Malcolm had his hands on Coretta’s shoulders. He had been silent, but his eyes remained fixed on Noah. Brady’s face had turned ghost white. From the moment he understood what had happened to Noah, he’d lost the ability to make eye contact. Ben’s face remained impassive.

  One by one, everyone expressed their sympathy and outrage. There were questions, most of which Cassie had already asked in private. A few that she hadn’t, either because she hadn’t thought of them or she just couldn’t bring herself to voice them.

  “Did he ever…” Megan started. “I mean, with you. Like your mom and the others? Oh God, I shouldn’t be asking this, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” Noah said. “Ask what you want. I’m done hiding it. I’m not about to take out a billboard, but I’ll answer. And no, he never raped me. Threatened to plenty, but he didn’t do that.”

  “He did plenty to you,” Cassie said. “I’ve seen your scars.”

  “Scars?” Brady asked, voice cracking.

  Noah looked even more uncomfortable, but he responded. “Let’s just say I don’t like taking my shirt off in front of anyone and leave it at that.”

  There was an uncomfortable pause, as nobody quite knew what to say. Finally, Brady broke the silence by raising his hand. “Um… Could I ask…”

  “Go ahead,” Noah said.

  “That woman,” Brady said, putting his arm down. “She said something about a girl named Claire.”

  “Claire was her daughter,” Noah said. “Conceived the same way I was.” Noah explained how he had tricked Nathaniel and left her behind. “She’s been adopted. We’re trying to find her. She’d be nine.”

  “Were there any other… babies?” Megan asked.

  “There were more pregnancies,” Noah said. “But only three births. Me, Claire, and Kristin. Kristin was Diana’s daughter. She only lived for five weeks.”

  Megan buried her face in her hands.

  “Where did you go when you went away with Cassie?” Brady asked.

  Cassie explained that, including how the deal with Nathaniel had now been modified. When she was done, nobody spoke for a long time.

  “I hope you guys won’t treat me differently,” Noah said. “I’m still new at this. I’ve never had any friends before you. I…”

  Before he could finish, Megan began to hug him. Coretta followed and did the same. Malcolm and Brady each shook hands with him in their own ways. That left Ben. He hung back when everyone else went inside.

  “You okay?” Noah asked. “You didn’t say much.”

  Ben shrugged. “I didn’t know what to say. I was thinking back to that party when you and Cassie finally got together. How shocked you looked when I said we were friends. And what you were saying about secrets. I knew then you had one. I just had no idea it was… this.”

  “There was no way that you could.”

  Ben stepped closer. Noah thought that he would offer his hand the way Brady and Malcolm did, but instead Ben pulled Noah into a hug.

  “I’m proud to be your friend,” Ben said.

  Noah wanted to say something back to his friend, but the day had just been too much.

  Chapter 15

  Noah had told Cassie that he needed to spend a couple of days at home with Walter. He didn’t want to leave his grandfather alone right after the funeral. Pamela had left the next morning, sober and embarrassed. Diana had told Noah that he wasn’t to go over to her place anymore alone. Noah hadn’t been happy, but he agreed.

  Several people came up to Cassie as she walked through the campus to ask her to pass their sympathies along. Many were Noah’s professors. Noah hadn’t made many friends outside of her group. He mostly stayed quiet in class. Kyle, the blond guy from the party who had flirted with her, came over. So did Connor, who offered to drive Cassie to and from school. She thanked him, but let him know she was driving herself. He seemed to mumble something until someone else came up to her. It was Adam.

  “Cassie, can I talk to you?” he asked.

  She nodded and turned to excuse herself from Connor, but he had already walked off.

  “What’s up?”

  “First off,” Adam said, “I heard about your boyfriend’s mom. I’m sorry. I was hoping you could pass my sympathy along for me.”

  “Of course,” Cassie said. “Do you know Noah?”

  “We have a class together,” Adam responded. “And I’ve seen you with him. He seems to make you happy.”

  “He does.”

  “Good. I’m glad,” Adam said.

  The two of them started to walk together through one of the campus lawns.

  “What’s the matter, Adam?”

  Adam laughed. “You can tell?”

  “We were together for a long time. You’re hesitant. That means that there’s something you want to talk about. What is it?”

  “I wanted to tell you,” Adam said. “Before you heard it somewhere else. The other night, I asked Taylor to marry me.”

  Cassie did a little bounce and hugged him. “That’s wonderful. Wait. She said yes, right?”

  “She said yes.”

  Cassie resumed her hugging. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you.”

  Adam relaxed and returned the embrace. “Thank you.”

  When she let go, she decided now was the time to ask Adam something that had been bothering her.

  “Can I ask you something? When you broke up with me, did it have anything to do with what I’d been through? And all those panic attacks?”

  Adam shook his head. “No. Never. Cassie, I still love you. I always have and always will. I just realized I wasn’t in love with you. If anything…” He hesitated.

  “That’s why we stayed together so long,” she finished for him.

  Adam nodded. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “It’s alright,” Cassie said. “I’m really happy for both of you. Really.”

  “Okay,” Adam said. “I’m glad.”

  “Does she know that you’re talking to me?”

  “I told her I was going to,” Adam said. “She really felt bad about what she said that day.”

  “I’ll talk to her,” Cassie said.

  * * * *

  Ben found Brady sitting alone in one of the college courtyards. Brady had been uncharacteristically quiet since the day of the funeral. It had been a lot to process, but it had been long enough that Ben was starting to worry.

  “Is everything okay?” Ben asked.

  Brady smiled, but Ben saw no joy behind his eyes.

  “I just can’t get what Noah said out of my head,” Brady said as Ben sat down on the lawn in front of him. “What do you think Cassie meant by scars?”

  “I did a little research,” Ben said. “From what I understand, Nathaniel was pretty rough on the unnamed child that was held with the women. I don’t know if you really want the deta
ils.”

  Brady thought about that. He probably was better off not knowing. The problem was that his imagination was bringing him to very dark places. The truth couldn’t be worse, he thought.

  “Tell me.”

  Ben nodded. “I read a bunch of articles. Some of the stuff that came out. Nathaniel James Hunt was a big man. Ex-marine. Bigger than Cassie’s dad. He wanted Noah to learn how to fight, so he would make Noah fight him.”

  “I thought you said Noah could kick ass?”

  “Now,” Ben said. “But back when he was a hungry eight year old against a jarhead? And then when Noah would lose, he’d get whipped.”

  “Oh Jesus,” Brady said and closed his eyes. Ben detailed a few of the other things he’d read, and Brady realized he’d been wrong. It was far worse than he imagined.

  “The last thing Noah wants is for us to treat him differently,” Ben said. “He wants to be normal.”

  “I don’t know if I can,” Brady said. “I keep thinking about what he’s gone through. How I thought he was probably banging those women. But every time I saw one of them, I knew he wasn’t.”

  “Saw them?” Ben asked. “When did you see them?”

  Brady confessed what he and Megan had done. “After we saw what happened with Pamela, we stopped. We felt like we were violating his privacy.”

  “Of course you two were,” Ben snapped. “What the hell were you thinking?”

  “We knew there was something about him,” Brady said. “We thought it would be fun. We weren’t hurting anyone.”

  Ben shook his head in disbelief.

  “I’m sorry,” Brady said.

  Ben sighed. “It’s not me you should be apologizing to.”

  Brady nodded. “I’ll go see him later.”

  “You want me to come with you?”

  Brady shook his head. “No. I’ll call Megan. I know she was feeling guilty. See if she wants to go. If not, I’ll go on my own. I won’t throw her under the bus.”