It's Wrong for Me to Love You

by Krystal Armstead

“I had a few issues going on back then, I’ll admit to that. I craved attention, fame, recognition, and dick. It wasn’t until junior year of high school that I met Aaron.” My eyes started to glisten while I was thinking about him. “I didn’t give a fuck who else wanted that man. The moment I saw him, I knew he was mine. I didn’t even give the nigga a chance to ask me out—I asked him out on a date within the first thirty seconds of our first conversation!”

  Jamie shook his head at me, taking the orange juice bottle from my hand. “Yeah, that’s typical Charlene Campbell.”

  “I just go for what I want, Jamie—you know how I do,” I whispered, taking the bottle back from him.

  “So, what’s the problem now?” Jamie watched as I took a gulp of orange juice.

  I swallowed hard, holding the bottle firmly in both hands. “From the moment I met Aaron, I knew I wanted and needed to change. I gave up my whole lifestyle the moment I set eyes on him. I erased all the male contacts in my cell phone that weren’t family members, I threw away all my provocative clothes, I took all of my revealing pictures off of My Space and Facebook, I had some of my nude tattoos removed, and I threw away my homemade porno tapes. I did a major transformation. I didn’t leave a trace behind of who I was before we met . . . or so I thought, anyway.” My eyes swelled up with tears.

  Jamie already knew the deal. “Hatin’-ass bitches.”

  I nodded, “Shit, niggas, too. Nobody wanted me to forget that life. They let Aaron know everything about me from day one. At first, he didn’t let what they were saying bother him because he knew that people make shit up when they don’t want to see a person happy. But more and more people approached him about me, and he started to question me. As long as I was that slutty, fuck-you-and-your-friends, fuck-you-and-your-girl cheerleader that I was, everything was all good. As soon as they saw that I wanted to change because I met a man who made me wanna change, oh, all hell broke loose. I made a lot of mistakes. I did a lot of shit that I had no business doing with a lot of men who were already in relationships with some girls that I knew. I have changed drastically, but nobody supported me except for Ne’Vaeh. I know I was an embarrassment to that girl, but she never turned her back on me.”

  I exhaled deeply then continued. “Alisha’s bitch ass told Aaron everything about me. She’s pissed because she thinks I fucked Ashton. Okay, yeah, I sucked his dick back in the ninth grade, but that was it. Okay, maybe I fucked up, but I didn’t deserve this shit! Just when I meet a guy who I want to be with, my past comes back to haunt me. Aaron hasn’t left me yet, but it’s coming.”

  Jamie shook his head, “Nah, shorty. If he wanted to leave you, he would have left when he first heard the shit. How long you been with him?”

  “It’ll be three years in January,” I replied. “Not long enough to think that he’s gonna stay with me. He won’t touch me, kiss me, fuck me, look at me—nothing.”

  “Everybody has problems, shorty. No relationship is perfect.” Jamie took a pack of Newports out of his pocket.

  “I miss him . . . I miss us.” I took a sip of orange juice. “I want the old Aaron back. The one who used to hold me, kiss me, make love to me, see me. All he sees is the old me. I’m not that girl anymore, Jamie. I swear I’m not that girl anymore.” Tears started to slide down my face, and I quickly dried them. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry. You don’t wanna hear this bullshit.”

  Jamie put a cigarette to his lips and lit it. He shook his head, inhaling. He exhaled smoke from his lips and nose. “Nah, shorty, you’re good. I’m here to listen.”

  I shook my head, taking another sip of alcohol. I was getting tipsy as a muthafucka. “My life is not how I want it to be right now. Your life seems so calm and peaceful. Look at this beach. Oh my goodness.”

  Jamie smirked, “Peaceful? No, my life is not peaceful, shorty. Are you serious? I never get to chill like this. If you hadn’t come over here, shit, my homeboys would be here, bringing about seven or eight groupies with them. I would be in the hot tub right now fuckin’ about three or four females. Shit is hard work.”

  I rolled my eyes. “TMI, Jamie. Seriously? Who wants to hear some shit like that?”

  Jamie laughed a little. “Just keepin’ it one hunnid.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Whateva, Jamie. That orgy shit is old and played, I’m sorry. After awhile, you’ll get tired of itchin’ and going to the gynecologist every other week. Trust me.”

  Jamie laughed a little to himself.

  It was quiet for a few seconds.

  He sat there looking at me, watching me drink. “So,” he hesitated, “when is the last time you and your man—Aaron, is it—had sex?”

  I looked at him. “Like three months ago.”

  Jamie’s eyes grew huge. “Whoa.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I know, right? And even longer if you’re talking about good sex. Shit, when we do have sex, he doesn’t even kiss me, touch me, or look at me. He just bends me over, doesn’t even want to see my face. He hits it then quits it. I can’t even remember the last time that we spent time together like me and you are doing right now. I can’t even remember what his lips feel like on mine.” My eyes watered again.

  Jamie looked at me. He heard the pain in my voice. He reached over and took the orange juice from me before I could take another drink.

  I dried the tears that began to fall again.

  Jamie stood up, pulling me up with him. He pulled his shirt over his head.

  I looked at him, my drunk heart pounding in my chest.

  “Let’s go for a swim.” He pulled me closer to him by my shirt and started to unbutton it.

  I just looked into his face as he removed my shirt from my body. “A swim?”

  Jamie grinned as he unbuttoned my pants, his hands grazing against my belly button ring. He undressed down to his shorts and began walking past me, Polo boxers showing. “C’mon, shorty.” He walked off the porch, across the sand, to the water.

  I watched him undress all the way to this boxers. My heart raced in my chest as I undressed down to my violet Victoria’s Secret push-up bra and low-rise panties. I walked down the porch steps and across the sand and stood in the wet sand, the water washing up against my feet. I was a little scared to go into the water any deeper, though I had been thinking about wading in that water all day, if you know what I mean.

  Jamie signaled me to come in farther. “Feels good, right?” he whispered as I walked toward him.

  The water was above his waist, and just below my breasts.

  I faced him, tears lining my lashes. “What would your girl think if she knew you were alone like this, with a half-naked girl as fly as me, on a beach?”

  “Shit,” Jamie grinned, “she’s probably sending me a text right now that says, ‘your ass better not be alone on a beach with some little bitch’!”

  I smiled a little. “You’re a trip. . . .” I was terribly nervous. I knew where the night was going, and at that moment, I wasn’t so sure I was ready to go there. I was starting to miss Aaron, and I was starting to think about how Ne’Vaeh must have felt when she was alone with Jamie. He was so charming and so charismatic. Everything he did felt good. He was so sexy, his skin looked so soft, and his lips looked so moist. Jamie was still the same old Jamie. He was who I used to be two years before. He had no problem getting a girl into bed with him. He was so smooth. He knew all the right moves.

  I looked up at him. He wasn’t even thinking about his girl or Ne’Vaeh. “You didn’t even tell me your girlfriend’s name. She must not mean that much if you can’t even tell me her name.”

  Jamie grinned. “Why you wanna know her name? You want her number too, so you can call her and tell her where I am and what I’m doing? While we’re at it, how about you give me Aaron’s number, so I can call him and tell him that I have his girl here with me and what I plan on doing with her in just a few minutes.”

  I laughed nervously. He always was a smart-ass. “All I’m saying is that I remember how much in love with Ne’Vaeh you were b
ack in high school. You can’t tell me that you don’t miss her or even think about her.”

  Jamie looked at me. “I try my best not to think about her too much. I have a girl—Pamela—now. I’ll admit, I do find myself thinking about what could have been, but . . . but who doesn’t do that shit?”

  My eyes sparkled. I wished someone felt that way about me. “Do-do you still love her?”

  Jamie’s eyes sparkled back. “I haven’t talked about shorty in years. I want to keep it that way, Charlie, you feel me?” was his response. He loved her. I could hear it in his voice and the way he kept trying to avoid the topic of her. He just didn’t want to admit to himself that despite all the women he’d had in his life, his heart still belonged to Ne’Vaeh. A woman he hadn’t seen in four years.

  “Well, I love Aaron. I’ll admit my life wasn’t right for a long time, and my past is just coming back to kick me in the ass, but I just want someone to look at me and see me for who I really am, and what I really need. Aaron never saw me. He never saw past my looks. He never saw my heart. He never tried and as soon as he heard about—not saw—a side of me that he didn’t like, he turned his back on me. Like I said before, he hasn’t left yet, but the time is coming.” I lowered my head.

  Jamie shook his head, looking down at me.

  I shook my head back. “He’s ready to give up on me, and I wish the muthafucka would just dump me instead of stringing me along. I’m so tired of feeling this way, Jamie. I wanna be happy. I wanna feel good about life.”

  “What did you come here for tonight, outside of leaving the party before you beat Alisha’s ass?”

  I just looked up at him.

  “Did you come here to talk about Aaron or to forget about that muthafucka for a few days?” His hands slid around my waist.

  My heart skipped a beat. I looked up at him. “Jamie, I haven’t slept with anyone but Aaron in over two years, since the very day I laid eyes on him. But yet, when he looks at me, all he can see is that girl who slept with hundreds of people. I know I fucked up, Jamie. I know I don’t deserve someone like him. But I just need him to see the person that I am now. Why can’t he see me, Jamie? Me, just me!” I cried.

  “C’mon, shorty, don’t cry.” Jamie tilted my chin so our eyes could meet. He tried to dry my tears, but I took his hands from my face.

  I shook my head. “Jamie, I’ll be okay.”

  He ignored me because he knew I needed affection. He surrounded me in his arms. He gently kissed my neck, and my whole body trembled. I could feel his heart beating against my chest. His body was so silky, smooth, and warm, and oh, he smelled so good. His muscular arms were so strong. His body was amazing. He held me close against his body. I could feel his dick rising, poking me in the stomach.

  Jamie sucked on my neck until I couldn’t take it anymore. I giggled, trying to pull away, but he wouldn’t loosen his arms or his lips, and I laughed aloud.

  “Jamie, stop!” I squealed.

  He laughed, removing his lips from my neck.

  I dried my tears of sorrow, which had turned into tears of joy. “Oh my goodness, Jamie! You still know how to make a girl smile even when she’s upset. But you did promise me that you’d keep your hands to yourself, and you didn’t keep your promise.”

  He looked down into my face. “No, I said that I would try to be on my best behavior. I tried to keep my hands to myself. I swear I tried. But listening to you talk about what your man’s not giving you is only giving me ideas of what I would do if I had the chance, and since you’re here with me, I do have the chance.”

  I so needed the affection that he was giving me. I needed someone to make me smile and make me laugh, even when times were bad. I hadn’t seen Jamie since I was fifteen, and here he was, four years later, making me feel like no time had passed between us. He’d never crossed the line, never hit on me. He never so much as even looked at me in a sexual way. And despite how my life was back then, he never judged me or called me out of my name.

  I looked up at him as he lifted my body up, wrapping my legs around his waist.

  He held me close against his body. “It’s just you and me tonight. Nobody else is here with us. My girl, Pamela, isn’t here. Your man, Aaron, isn’t here, and your best friend and my ex-girlfriend, Ne’Vaeh, isn’t here. It’s just us. I think we could both use a vacation away from stress. I think you came here because you wanted to get fucked.”

  I blushed a little, not wanting to admit that I needed some dick. A girl who used to know how to make a nigga come in his pants just by dancing with him needed to get laid? I was ashamed of myself. I had completely changed for Aaron, and where did it get me? I was still being judged as if I were that same girl, so what was the point of changing?

  “I can’t lie,” Jamie gently kissed my lips. “When I ran into you today, seeing how fine that ass was lookin’ in those tight-ass jeans, yeah, I wanted to hit it. But once we started talking, and I could see that you were in pain, I knew what you needed more than anything was to feel some affection. I want to make you feel good, Charlene. I’ve known you since elementary school. You’ve made mistakes. Shit, we all have. You’re human, shorty. You’ve grown a lot too. I can see that. You’ve changed for a muthafucka, who can’t even see that. He didn’t know you like I knew you, shorty. I see you, Charlene. I really see you. You’re more than beautiful. You’re a woman who owned up to her past and made an effort to change. So even if that muthafucka can’t see you, I see you, Charlene.”

  Tears slid down my face as I felt Jamie unsnap my bra.

  I helped slide it from my arms and held it in my hands. I nearly lost my mind as he kissed my breasts, sucking my left nipple into his mouth. He sucked on my nipple until my pussy started throbbing.

  I held his head in my hands, running my hands across his smooth, low-cut fade.

  He kissed all the way up to my lips, and I nearly lost my mind as his lips touched mine. He held me tighter against him. We nearly ate each other’s lips off at that moment. I hadn’t been kissed that way in so long. I needed him, all of him that night. He ran his fingers through my hair. He tugged on my hair just a little. He gripped my behind as he carried me back toward shore. We made it halfway across the beach to the house, when he got down on his knees and laid me on the sand, hovering over the top of me. He gripped my thigh in one hand and slipped my panties down with the other. I helped slide them off my body. Then I helped him slide his wet boxers off.

  Jamie lay down between my legs. He didn’t waste any time sliding his hard dick inside of my extremely wet pussy. I sunk my nails into his shoulders as his tongue penetrated my lips, and his dick penetrated my soul. Our wet thighs slapped together as he pumped in and out of me.

  “Jamie!” I screamed out, “Please . . . fuck me,” I cried.

  “Your pussy feels so wet . . . so warm.... Fuck, this shit is good,” Jamie whispered between kisses. His body shivered as he pumped deeper inside of me.

  I held on to him as he dug into my soul—and then abruptly pulled out of me and sat up.

  I sat up, nearly out of breath. I looked down at his dick. It was still nice and hard, covered in my pussy juices. He didn’t bust yet, so why did he stop?

  “Wh-what’s wrong? Oh my gosh, why did you stop?” My chest heaved in and out, as I watched him pick up his boxers, along with my panties and bra.

  He looked up at me and held my hands, pulling me up off the wet sand. “C’mon.” He led me to the house.

  We walked up the steps into the beach house. Jamie tossed his boxers and my underwear on the couch. I stood there naked as I watched him walk over to the stereo to turn it on. The sounds of R&B singer Jamie Foxx flowed through the speakers.

  I smiled nervously, eyes already full of tears, as Jamie walked over to me.

  He looked down into my face as he held my hips, then gently kissed my lips.

  I cried in his mouth. His hands, his lips, and his body felt so good up against mine. He backed me up against the wall, lifted my body up, and I wrapp
ed my legs around his waist.

  Jamie braced my body up against the wall as he slid himself inside of me and began to grind to the music. I moaned as Jamie sang in my ear. With every stroke, my pussy spit fluids down his thighs. His dick was saturated.

  “How does it feel, Charlie?” he moaned, pumping harder.

  I sighed. “Like fuckin’ magic,” I cried out passionately.

  “Tell me you like it.” He pounded to the rhythm of the drums in the song.

  “I love it.” I dug my nails in his shoulders.

  “If I taste that pussy, would you put your lips on this dick? Your lips are so thick and juicy. I wanna kiss those lips between your thighs like a muthafucka, shorty. And I want these lips” Jamie gently kissed my lips, sucking on my bottom lip just a little, “on this dick. I know that shit would feel good as fuck, and I promise to make that pussy purr over and over in my mouth. Can we make that happen tonight?”

  I burst out in tears. I loved every bit of the way that Jamie was making me feel inside and out that night, but I was angry at the same damn time.

  Jamie watched the tears slid down my face. He stopped stroking me but still held my legs around my waist, bracing me up against the wall. “Do you want me to stop?”

  I couldn’t stop crying enough to respond to him.

  Jamie pulled himself out of me, then lowered my feet back down to the floor. He looked down into my face, his body still pressed up against mine. “Why are you crying? What am I doing wrong?” he whispered.

  I looked up at him, shaking my head. “What? No, Jamie, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re-you’re doing everything just right, just perfect. I wish I had more of this each and every day.”

  Jamie knew what the problem was. He wasn’t Aaron, and he knew how much that I wished that he were. I was in love with Aaron, yet Aaron was far from being in love with me. And I was there making what felt like love to a man that my own best friend once loved with all of her heart for years.

  Jamie held my face and dried my tears. “Charlie, ’til this day, you are still one of the hottest, finest women that I have ever met.”