Worth It All

by Claudia Connor

  By the time they finished dessert and got the check, he was wound so tight he thought his teeth would crack. They needed to talk.

  —

  She and Jake parted ways with Simon and Jenny in the parking lot. It was a nice evening, comfortable after the heat of the day with a breeze strong enough to sweep the hair back from her face. They were both quiet, walking hand in hand to Jake’s SUV. The warmth and security of it was also confusing. Just a few weeks ago, before Jake, a choice like this would have been easy.

  Jake walked her around to the passenger side, but she turned to face him when he would have opened the door. Their eyes met and without words they came together in a heart-wrenching kiss. She held on to him, relishing his familiar touch, his taste. But there was something different in it and also in Jake’s eyes when he lifted his head.

  “I needed that,” he said softly.

  “Me too.” Holding on to his shoulders, she held his gaze, searching. She was having a hard enough time deciding what she needed to do. It made it ten times worse not knowing exactly where he stood. It scared her. She took a shuddering breath and let it out. “Hannah called me earlier.” There. She said it.

  Jake let out a deep breath of his own, like he’d been holding it in, but his expression gave away nothing. “Really?”

  “Yeah. She talked to me about coming back to Freedom Farm to work.” She stared at him, not blinking, not even breathing. “She said she’d talked to you.”

  He nodded and the muscles bunched in his jaw. “Yeah. She did. I didn’t get all the details.”

  “But you thought it was a good idea?” Maybe he was just trying to be nice to Hannah. Or maybe he wasn’t sure about them, so he didn’t want to hold her back from an opportunity. But would she let herself be held back? Could she even consider it, choosing what a big part of her wanted to do over what she needed to do? What she should do?

  “Sure. It’s a great opportunity, right?” He moved to stand beside her, leaning back against the door.

  “Yes. But it’s really far away.” He didn’t say anything and she peeked at his face. Still couldn’t read him. “If it worked out, I’d have way better hours and more time with Casey. I could go on field trips, maybe even be class mom.”

  He smiled softly down at her. “You’d make a good class mom.”

  And you’d make a good class dad.

  She wanted so badly to ask, But what about us? Should I stay here and continue to…date you? Sleep with you? Let Casey get closer to you? And then what?

  But that all sounded a lot like she was asking him to make her promises he wasn’t ready to make. She didn’t want it to be like that. And if he wasn’t ready to make them, then it only made sense for her to go and give it a chance. She felt something inside her unraveling.

  He’d been backed into a corner by a girl before. Plus there was that little thing about her wanting to take care of herself and her daughter and make the right and responsible decisions. Would Jake be disappointed in her if she backed away from that now? Would she be disappointed in herself?

  He held her hand while she told him more about it. What her work would entail and where they would live. “I’m shocked she would ask me to do this, that she would trust me enough or think I’d be good at it.”

  “Of course you’d be good at it, Paige. You’d be good at anything you did. And she does trust you. I think that has a lot to do with it.”

  She nodded. “I want to be good at something. I want to do something more.” She wanted to be more like Jake and have accomplishments she could be proud of. Be someone Jake would be proud of.

  “She’s not exactly offering me a job, it’s more like a trial. Although she insists on paying me. I don’t know. I don’t even know if I could get off work.”

  “But you probably could.”

  “Yeah. I probably could.”

  “Hey.” He came to stand in front of her again and rubbed his thumb gently between her brows. “Don’t think so hard.”

  She searched his eyes for…something. Clarity, maybe. Some sign that taking this chance to be something more was the right thing. Her chest squeezed, her lungs constricted to the point she had to focus to take a deep breath.

  “So you think I should go?”

  “Yes.” He didn’t even pause. “It could be a dream job. If nothing else, it’s what? Another week? Ten days? Casey will get to ride and you’ll be getting paid.”

  True. But she wasn’t thinking about the money so much. She was thinking about the man.

  He took her face in his hands, rubbed his thumbs under her eyes, catching a tear before it fell. “Don’t worry. You’ll go, you’ll see what it’s like, and then you’ll make a decision.”

  She curled her fingers around his wrists, feeling like her heart was breaking. “Okay.”

  The next day and a half crawled by. JT tried his best to concentrate on work and checked in with Lynn. Then he’d lain awake all night telling himself Virginia was only a plane ride away. That hadn’t helped so he’d switched to calling himself all kinds of idiot for even telling Hannah to offer the job. He could have said no. He could have continued like he was, convinced her he loved her and that being with him, letting him take care of her, was a good move. And he would have hated himself.

  Anxious and confused, he pulled up in front of Paige’s. He’d barely stepped inside before he was assailed with Casey’s energy. She galloped over to him, all smiles and wearing her prosthesis, he was glad to see. At least he could feel good about that.

  “Jake! Did you know I’m going to ride horses again? Did you know that?”

  He knelt in front of her, wishing that her happiness would loosen the knots in his gut. He was doing the right thing. Repeating that fact wasn’t helping, either. “I did hear that, Pop-Tart. I would ask if you’re excited, but—”

  “I am excited!”

  He laughed even though it hurt. “I can tell. Where’s Mommy?”

  “She’s not here. Jake?”

  “What?”

  With her little hand clamped down on his shoulder, her smile slipped. “I’ll miss you while I’m gone.”

  His heart was crushed into a million pieces right there on the carpet stain shaped like Texas. Because unlike Casey, he knew this might very well be for much longer than ten days. “I’ll miss you too.” He pulled her into his arms and held her tight. There was a sharp buzzing in his ears and he forced himself to breathe. Casey would be fine, she’d grow and be happy. He needed her way more than she needed him.

  Before he was ready, she wiggled away and galloped down the hall. He straightened, picking up the purple bear beside the couch, and faced Jenny. “I just wanted to see if she had everything she needed for the trip.”

  “I think she’s all set. She just ran out to pick up her check from the diner, then she was going to do some laundry.”

  “Oh. Okay.” She could have done that at his house, but she wouldn’t have asked.

  Jenny looked at him with so much pity he averted his eyes. “Does she know how much you love her?”

  No surprise, the truth was etched into his face. But she needed this opportunity. She needed to take it and see where it could go so she wouldn’t always wonder and second-guess herself. “I don’t want to hold her back.”

  “What about holding yourself back? What if this works out and she loves it there and…” His gaze met Jenny’s and she let out a sad sigh. “You already think she will, don’t you? No, you know she will. You don’t expect her to come back.”

  Jenny’s voice was pained, her eyes full of tears as she shook her head at him, baffled. “Then why are you letting her go? Am I so selfish for wanting her to stay?”

  “No. You’re not selfish. You love her.”

  “So do you.”

  He rubbed his fingers over the bear’s cut-off leg, then looked at Jenny. “Yeah, I do.”

  Paige was choosing what she thought was best for Casey, but maybe he could be what was best for both of them. He wasn’t going
to stand in her way, but that didn’t mean he had to lose her. He kissed Jenny’s cheek. “Tell her I came by.”

  Chapter 32

  Paige led Barney, a brown and white gelding, through the barn and into his stall. She’d been here six days, and she was already in love with the horses. There was a peace here, she thought, relieving Barney of his halter and stroking his neck.

  Her responsibilities were assisting Hannah with the children, bringing in the horses, and turning them out. One child, a little boy she had a particular soft spot for, had ridden twice since she’d been here. The unbidden joy and freedom when he went from wheelchair to horse brought tears to her eyes and a sense of purpose and pride unlike anything she’d ever known.

  Casey couldn’t have been happier. She had friends like she’d never had before. Hannah often had her ride around the ring on Hazel when they had a new or hesitant rider. She naturally encouraged the younger children and children with more severe disabilities than she had. She also admired the kids who were better, stronger riders, two of whom had amputations almost exactly like hers.

  Yes, there were places Casey could ride in California, but it would be enormously expensive. There were groups she could probably find for Casey to interact with other amputees, but not in a daily, confidence-bolstering environment like this. There was the subtlest difference in the way Casey held herself and in her smile. Pride and confidence.

  But at night, when things got quiet, she would ask about Jake. What was he doing? Could she call him again? They talked every day. She smiled, thinking of all Casey told him. From the horses to the barn cat to a rock she’d found near the cabin.

  When it was her turn to talk to him, she did kind of the same thing. Told him about everything from her work to her lunch. It was hard because she missed him. She wasn’t sure if it was hard for him too, but there were moments she felt like it was.

  She still hadn’t told Casey yet there was even the possibility that they would make this situation long-term. But it made sense. Hannah paid more than she’d ever dreamed of making without a degree. She’d keep the same schedule Hannah kept, and as Hannah made her own hours, that meant working around her son’s schedule. Which would be the same as Casey’s once school started. Another thing Hannah had offered, assured her of, was that Casey could go to the same Catholic school as Jake’s nieces and nephews. There were at least four McKinney relatives working as teachers there, so they had the inside info.

  But even with everything so perfect, without Jake it wasn’t perfect at all, and she didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what Jake wanted her to do. He’d said goodbye to her at the airport seven days ago with a kiss and a smile. Did he want her to come back? The thought of being away from him indefinitely made her stomach hurt.

  She gave the horse one last pat, then moved to the tack room, breathing in the scent of leather and horse blankets as she hung up the halter. She looked around for anything else she could do. Finding everything in its place, she walked outside and around to the right paddock.

  Paige watched the solid black foal wobble around his mother on gangly legs. Born just five days ago, Casey was convinced the horse had been born just for her.

  Minutes later, Hannah finished in the office and joined her at the railing. “Beautiful, isn’t she?”

  “Yes.” It was all beautiful. Her eyes traced the edge where the dry grass met the late-afternoon sky. If Freedom Farm wasn’t heaven, it had to be pretty damn close. “I guess you’ll be next.”

  “Thank goodness.” Hannah rubbed her protruding belly and smiled. “I love being pregnant, but I’m ready to be more mobile. I miss riding.”

  Paige smiled. On top of the work and the benefits to Casey, she’d already come to love Hannah. A gentle soul, but also strong, as her horrific past attested to. And she was funny. They had lunch together every day at the barn, usually delivered by her ever-attentive husband, and they laughed like schoolgirls. Hannah loved to torment her brothers when they came out, trying to boss her around.

  “I’ve never seen anyone so happy and yet so sad at the same time,” Hannah said, angling her head to study her. “Does he know how you feel about him?”

  A ball of misery lodged in Paige’s throat, holding back her answer. She wanted to tell him, but there was that fear that he didn’t feel the same way. There was the fear that she loved him so much it would override everything else.

  “I’m sorry I put you in this spot,” Hannah said after a moment. “I guess I thought…”

  “That if I took the job, Jake would come with me?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.” Hannah smiled at her softly. “It was a gamble.”

  “He couldn’t do that. He’s worked too hard to build something important there. He helps so many people.”

  “You’re not going to stay, are you?”

  “I don’t know.” She gazed at the stand of trees so far across the field they looked like toothpicks. “I promised myself and my newborn baby that I would make a plan for us, for our life, and I would stick to it. That every one of my decisions would be for her.

  “For a second I forgot that. It was Jake who reminded me. He told me I should come.” Because he understands me. Because he knows what I want and need. Because he loves me? If she’d told him she loved him, would that have made a difference?

  “Sometimes men have a funny way of thinking they’re doing the right thing even when they’re stupid. Especially McKinney men.”

  Paige couldn’t imagine any of the deeply devoted men she’d met acting stupid where their wives were concerned.

  “Stephen had some warped idea that he wasn’t good enough for me, even that he was bad for me. If you can believe that.” She glanced back at her husband walking toward them with his son on his shoulders, the boy’s hands in his. “Selfishly, I want you here, Paige. You’re good at it, and it’s important to do something you love. But people are important too. Love is important.”

  Paige attempted to smile, and Hannah wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I know it’ll all work out. Don’t forget about Joe’s birthday dinner tonight. Marge wants you and Casey there.”

  Paige sniffed and wiped at her eyes before Stephen and Mitchell got close. The McKinneys had taken her in; Marge especially had embraced her and embraced Casey like she was one of her grandchildren. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  —

  Showered and dressed in a casual blue sundress, Paige checked the brownies she was taking to dinner. She went to straighten the table and picked up two sheets of white paper Casey had colored on. She looked at the first one. There was a big figure with black hair and another one with yellow hair. Then a small figure standing in between them.

  “That’s me,” Casey said, coming into the room and stopping beside her. “And that’s Jake.”

  The little girl in the picture had two legs just like the man. There was no water or castle hiding them. “I love it,” Paige said, feeling tears gathering in her eyes.

  “Me too.” Casey leaned against Paige’s leg. “I miss him.”

  Me too. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life missing him. She’d only wanted to do the right thing for her daughter, but she was afraid she didn’t know what that was anymore.

  “Mommy, can I tell you something?”

  “Sure, sweet pea.”

  “I love the horses, but I love Jake more.”

  Paige knelt down and pulled her daughter close. “Me too.”

  —

  It was late afternoon when JT climbed the steps to Rachel’s home. He rang the doorbell and waited. He’d already secured a table at one of Virginia Beach’s finest restaurants and overnight babysitting for Casey with Matt and Abby. He couldn’t wait to see Paige, hold her. It’d only been seven days since he’d said goodbye, but still he felt like he’d spent the week under a shadow. That was about to change, he thought, smiling. But there was one more thing he needed to do.

  He hadn’t seen Rachel in over eight years, not since that day in th
e hospital. She was married now, that was all he knew about the woman he’d once created a life with. Paige and Casey had already healed that wound. Casey had shown him the man he could be. Paige had made him see the man he was, but he needed to do this. He needed to look in Rachel’s eyes and tell her he was sorry. That’s all. Just that he was sorry because he’d never said that. It was the right thing to do.

  A shadow passed behind the beveled glass before Rachel swung open the door with a dark-headed toddler on her hip. “JT.” She stared at him a long moment, obviously shocked to find him on her doorstep. She looked the same in a lot of ways, and in some ways so different.

  “Hi.”

  Her gaze fell to his right leg, and there was a second that she looked uncomfortable before she covered it. “Oh, sorry. Do you want to come in?”

  “Yeah. Thanks.”

  She stepped back to let him in and closed the door. There was a staircase right off the foyer and a wall lined with photos. He followed her through the dining room and into a bright and airy kitchen with windows overlooking a perfectly green backyard.

  “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “No, thanks. I’m good. I won’t stay long.”

  She set the boy down, and he went to work pulling off the plastic letters that covered the refrigerator, dropping them to the floor.

  “Cute.”

  “Thank you. His name’s Lukas.” She smiled when she said his name, her eyes full of pride and peace.

  That’s what was different. Where her eyes had always been wild with excitement or hot with anger, they were now just warm and…happy. Serene. “How are you?”

  “I’m good. How are you?”

  “Good, busy,” she added with a laugh as the child moved on to a cabinet and began pulling out plastic bowls. “I’m married.”

  “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”

  She nodded, smiled again, and they were both silent.