by Lindy Zart
She wanted to tell him he made her feel special, she wanted to tell him he made her forget; that he was the only one she could turn to. Lola didn’t know how to put into words how grateful she was for Jack. She didn’t know how to tell him he was a good thing in a sea of bad things.
Some foreign emotion started in the pit of her stomach; like a million butterflies flapping their wings, rose up to slam into her chest, and Lola acted instinctively.
Lola fisted Jack’s shirt in her hands and yanked him to her. He stared down at her with one eyebrow lifted, daring her, challenging her. Lola tugged him the rest of the way to her, until their lips met. Jack’s full lips were warm and melded to hers perfectly, like their lips had been formed just for each other’s to enjoy.
The emotions racing through her were tumultuous, frightening, dizzying. Jack’s fingers threaded through her hair, he whirled her around, and pressed her up against the garage, his hard body fitted to her softer one. It was hard to breathe. Lola had never felt so alive.
That’s what she felt with Jack; alive.
A low growl sounded from his throat and Lola shivered in response. Jack’s hands went up and down her spine, back to her hair. The kiss deepened. Lola’s skin flushed, her heart raced. She wanted more. Lola broke off, afraid of that knowledge.
Jack stared down at her, eyes dark. His chest heaved and the hands that clasped her arms trembled. “You okay?” he said in a gravelly voice.
Lola stood on legs that shook, feeling overwhelmed. She gave a brief nod.
He ran a hand through his hair and let out a deep breath. Jack reached for her hand and they began to walk.
They headed in the direction of the woods. Houses became spaced more and more apart the farther they ventured. A dog barked. The moon shone high in the sky, practically lighting the whole sky up like a big glow stick.
As the quiet deepened, Lola got more and more uncomfortable.
She couldn’t believe she’d kissed him. Lola wasn’t particularly impulsive.
Lola had only kissed one other boy in her whole life and that had been Sebastian and it didn’t count because she’d been eleven and he twelve. It had been strictly for experimental purposes. Neither had liked it. Lola had liked kissing Jack. A lot. Her stomach fluttered.
The wind picked up, blowing Lola’s hair around her head. She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. An owl hooted and Lola jumped.
Jack laughed softly. “Nervous?”
You have no idea. “No. I’m fine.”
“Do you think he meant to hurt you?”
Lola nodded, swallowing.
Out of her corner of her eye she saw Jack’s jaw clench. He looked away and Lola watched his chest rise and fall. He exhaled deeply.
“You don’t have to go back.”
Lola’s eyes burned. “Yes. I do. I was going to leave. I was going to take all of my savings and I was going to leave this town, Jack. Today.” She took a shuddering breath. “He took my money. All of it. Now I’m stuck.”
“There’s gotta be somewhere you can go, Lola. Someone you can stay with.” He paused. “I wish…I wish it was me. I wish I could help you.”
Lola touched his arm. “You do, Jack. You have no idea how much just being with you helps me.”
“I think I do, actually,” he quietly replied.
She looked away from the intensity of his gaze, frightened by the depth of emotion she’d glimpsed in his eyes.
They didn’t speak for a long time as they walked.
Jack finally glanced at her. “I want you to meet someone.”
Curious, Lola asked, “Who?”
“What’s your favorite color?”
She opened her mouth, paused, and answered, “Orange. Yours? Let me guess. Black? Who am I meeting?”
“Blue. Like your eyes. The same exact shade, actually. Periwinkle blue. And I’m not telling.”
Lola stopped walking. Her chest squeezed. No one had ever paid such attention to the color of her eyes before.
Jack kept his steady pace and she had no choice but to catch up. A smile kept fighting to the surface, and eventually, Lola let it.
“If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?”
Lola tilted her head. “Australia.”
“Really? G-day, mate, and all that?”
“Why not? I like the way Aussies talk. What about you?”
Jack kicked at a loose rock with his boot. “I’d go to Mississippi.”
“Talk about adventurous. What’s so great about Mississippi?”
“My mom was born there. I have distant relatives there.”
Something in his voice was off. Lola reached over and grabbed his hand. “Where is your mom?” she asked quietly.
Jack’s profile was grim. “Dead.”
His pace picked up and Lola knew he wouldn’t be sharing anymore with her on that subject. Her heart ached. One more thing they had in common.
“My dad died when I was four.”
Jack didn’t respond, but she felt the light squeeze of her fingers. She tightened her grip on his hand. They continued in silence.
A mile down the road there was an old farmhouse set in a rambling lawn of trees. In the dark Lola could see the peeling white paint, the shingles rising up, and the overgrown lawn. Jack walked up two cement steps and looked over his shoulder at her.
“I know it’s not a palace, but…” Jack shrugged.
When Lola didn’t move, he motioned to her. Jack went inside, the door banging shut behind him.
The lingering smells of garlic were strong in the kitchen. The room had white walls, old appliances, and a battered table with three mismatched chairs. But it was clean. There was not a speck of dirt in the room, not a cobweb on a wall. The refrigerator hummed and she heard a television from another room in the house.
Lola left the kitchen and found herself in the living room. ‘The Golden Girls’ was on the TV. The room was long and narrow. Shelves that held knickknacks took up one wall. Pictures hung from another. There was a potted plant under a window.
The walls were paneled. A burgundy couch took up a wall; a brown recliner was in one corner, and a tan one in another. A girl slept on the tan recliner, a purple blanket wrapped around her.
She was beautiful. Long blond curls, thick eyelashes, bow-shaped mouth. She was a softer, more innocent version of her brother. Isabelle. She was the person Jack wanted to protect most in the world; she was the one he forfeited himself for.
There was a closed door to her left. The sound of running water could be heard through the thin door. Lola noted the staircase to the right. That must be where the bedrooms were.
The water shut off. Lola’s heartbeat irrationally picked up as she waited for the door to open.
Jack stepped out, jacket gone. He wore a red shirt that read ‘Stone Temple Pilots’. It was tight and she could see his well-defined chest through it. His jeans were low on his waist. Lola felt something deep in her belly and looked away.
“She fell asleep waiting up for me. She does every night. I tell her not to, but…” Jack looked down at his sister, tenderness softening his features. At that moment he was the most handsome boy she’d ever seen.
Jack leaned down and gently shook his sister. “Isabelle. Wake up.”
Isabelle mumbled something and swatted at her brother.
“Isabelle. Come on. There’s someone here to meet you.”
It was like a switch was flipped. Isabelle jerked upright, blinking her sleepy eyes. She looked at Jack and turned her head to face Lola. Her pretty face was wary, suspicious.
“Hi,” Lola said, hands clasped in front of her.
“Hi.”
Lola felt awkward and unsure of what to say. Isabelle didn’t seem particularly happy to meet her. She wondered why. What did she know about her, or think she knew about her? Lola knew she hadn’t been a snob last year, even though Jack insinuated such. Had she unknowingly snubbed the younger girl at some point?
Jack nud
ged his sister and she scowled at him. “Get up.”
Isabelle set the blanket aside and slowly got to her feet, glaring defiantly at her brother the whole time. She had a blue pajama top on and matching bottoms. “Happy?”
“Maybe I should go,” Lola said and edged toward the door.
“No.” Jack narrowed his eyes at his sister. “Isabelle has been anxious to meet you. She must just be tired and crabby, right, Is?”
Isabelle crossed her arms and pouted. “Well, I was excited to meet you. Until you ditched my brother for Sebastian Jones.”
Lola reared back. “Excuse me?”
“What are you talking about, Is?” Jack demanded.
With great attitude, Isabelle informed them, “I saw you guys today. I saw Lola ride off with Sebastian Jones and I saw you, Jack. I saw you after they left.”
“Shut up, Isabelle,” Jack warned, eyes trained on her face.
Lola stared at Jack as she asked, “Saw what?”
Isabelle shot her a look of animosity and faced her brother. “Don’t tell me to shut up. You were sad. You know I hate it when you’re sad. She doesn’t deserve you, not if she’s going to make you sad.” Her lower lip trembled and tears formed in her eyes.
She didn’t know what to think of that. It made her upset to know she’d hurt Jack’s feelings, unintentional as it had been, but it also made her happy or something to know he had feelings for her that could be hurt.
Jack glanced at Lola. Then he directed his gaze on Isabelle. “I wasn’t sad. I don’t get sad. You imagined it. Drop it.”
“Liar!”
His hands fisted at his sides and Jack’s face went blank as he stared his sister down.
“I just want you to be happy. You’re never happy,” Isabelle cried. She covered her mouth as a sob left her and thundered up the stairs. A bedroom door slammed.
The silence after that was maddening.
Jack avoided her eyes as he said, “She exaggerates. I wasn’t sad.” He shoved his hands in his jeans pockets and faced the television. “I had no reason to be. He was just taking you to the doctor, right? And it’s not like we’re anything. I mean—“
Lola rushed to him and pulled Jack around to face her. Their eyes met for one brief, charge-filled moment. They moved at the same time, lips slamming against lips, arms around one another, hands touching everywhere. Lola inhaled his scent, her body reacting.
Jack leaned her back and Lola lost her balance and fell onto the coffee table. Jack went with her, grunting as his knee hit the wood. Lola laughed and Jack kissed her laughter away.
He straddled her against the coffee table; holding her up against him, and looked at her with something like wonder on his face. “I remember the first time I saw you, really saw you.”
She smiled. “Detention?”
Jack’s eyes clouded over and he pushed away from her. He sat down on the carpet. “No. Not detention. It was over the summer, Lola, last summer.” Jack frowned at her. He seemed to search her expression for something and was disappointed by what he found. “How can you not remember? How can you not remember me?”
Lola felt sick. She sat with her back against the coffee table and looked at the television. There were holes in her brain, in her memory. Had she suppressed things too terrible to think of? And what did that mean about Jack? Was he part of the bad memories?
Even as Lola thought it, she knew it wasn’t that. It was Bob. What had he done or said so horrific Lola had blocked it from her mind? And what did it have to do with Sebastian and Jack?
“I have to go.” She struggled to her feet, hot and clammy at the same time. Lola needed fresh air.
Jack stood. He didn’t say anything and he face was expressionless. Lola was learning when he felt something intensely, that was when he revealed nothing of his emotions. When he appeared not to care at all was when he cared the most.
“What is this?” he asked in a low voice. He wouldn’t look at her, his body held stiffly away from her.
“What is what?” she asked, voice shaking.
Jack’s eyes pierced her then. His eyes said so much. “Nothing. Nevermind.”
Lola hesitated, wanting to say so much, but unsure how to begin. She had no idea what she would even say. “Jack…it’s not—“
“It’s not me, it’s you. Yep. Got it.” His eyes met hers. “Except I’m pretty sure it is me.” Jack’s lips twisted sardonically. “Too messed up for you, huh?”
She stood there, disbelief freezing her in place. Lola gave a shaky laugh. “You’re kidding, right?” Lola went to him; put her hands on his forearms. “You’re the only one who understands, Jack, the only one.
“I was so alone and scared for so long and you made it a little easier to bear. You make me forget,” Lola whispered. “I don’t understand what’s happening between us. It scares me. In a good way,” she added at his look.
He pressed his lips together and nodded, letting his forehead drop to hers, his arms around her. “Me too. My life doesn’t suck quite so much since we started hanging out. Sorry. That sounded lame. I’m not good at stuff like this.”
Lola drank in the sight of Jack, feelings things she couldn’t put names to. She wanted to laugh and cry; she wanted to run to him, and at the same time, run as fast as she could away from him. Her fingers itched to trace the line of his cheekbone, to feel the softness of his lips against her flesh. She wanted him to hold her, wrap his arms around, and she wanted to fall asleep within his arms.
Jack touched her lips with his fingers, caressed her cheek. Lola turned her face into his palm and closed her eyes. A sense of peace flowed over her, sheltered her from reality.
After a moment, he dropped his hand. “I’ll walk you home. I have to let Isabelle know. Be right back.”
Lola examined the framed photographs while Jack talked to his sister. There were four of them; all of Isabelle, and two with Jack as well. No mother, no father. Jack’s expression was somber in each of them; his eyes large and sad. Isabelle had a small smile on her lips and her brown eyes shone. Complete opposites of one another in looks and dispositions.
It was plain to see even as a small boy he’d carried a heavy burden on his shoulders. Lola stared at his younger image, an ache in her chest. If only she could take some of the burden away. Lola cocked her head. Maybe she did.
***
Lola’s unease intensified the closer they got to her house. She pictured Bob waiting up for her, drunk and ready to retaliate for her fleeing earlier. Her feet dragged and she became quiet.
The streets were empty, lights in most houses out for the night. It was past midnight and the temperature had dropped considerably.
“You don’t have to go back.”
She glanced at Jack, saw he was serious. “Yes. I do. I have nowhere to go.”
He stared across the street, at Sebastian’s house. “I hate this, Lola,” he muttered.
Lola’s gaze followed his. Sebastian sat on the porch swing of his house, watching them. His face was in shadows, but Lola could feel his eyes on her; could feel the hurt and incomprehension rolling from him to her. He stood; waiting for something, waiting for her.
Jack looked at her, expression neutral. “Is there anything I need to know about you two?”
Lola’s eyes widened and she shook her head. “No! Nothing like that. We just…we used to be best friends, but we don’t talk much anymore and…it’s awkward. With everything at home, I just…”
“Pushed everyone away?”
“No,” she denied. Jack’s eyebrows lifted. Don’t kid a kidder, his look said. “I don’t know. Maybe. I can’t remember,” Lola finished lamely.
“That seems to happen to you a lot,” was his dry response.
Not until Bob it hadn’t.
Jack lowered his head to look her in the eye. “If he hurts you, you call me, okay? You have my phone number.”
She nodded, anxiety accelerating her pulse. She didn’t want to go inside. Lola never wanted to go inside that house a
gain. Jack understood. He knew what could happen.
Jack pressed his lips together and spoke low, “I don’t want to leave you. You promise me you’ll call me, Lola. Promise.” Her head jerked in what would have to pass for affirmation.
He exhaled loudly. “If you can’t get to a phone, you go to him.” He nodded in Sebastian’s direction. “Promise me.” Jack’s tone was urgent, his fingers dug into the flesh of her arms.
A lump formed in her throat. Lola whispered, “I promise, Jack.”
He stared down at her, brows lowered. Jack wiped her eyes Lola hadn’t been aware were wet and turned his back on her, fading into the shadows of night.
Lola watched him go, feeling bereft. It felt like a part of her, the best part, had been severed.
Sebastian reached her and touched her shoulder. “Everything okay?”
Lola looked at him. He had on pajama pants and a sweatshirt. His face was tired. She didn’t answer. She didn’t feel like lying.
“I was waiting for you. I was worried about you.”
Lola searched the house for signs of movement, for the glow of a television screen. All was dark. He was in there, waiting for her. Lola shivered, knowing it to be true.
“Lola?”
She took a deep breath.
“What’s going on? Are you and Jack dating or something?”
“I don’t…know,” was the best she could come up with.
“How do you not know that?” He turned away, muttered, “We used to tell each other everything. Now you won’t even answer a simple question.” Sebastian gave her a look full of frustration.
Lola said nothing.
“Lola,” Sebastian entreated. “Why won’t you give me a straight answer ever? If you never want to speak to me again, fine. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. But I have to know why first. Can you at least answer my questions? What happened?”
Lola swallowed and finally allowed her eyes to meet his. Sebastian had the saddest look on his face. How did she tell him she’d had no choice? It was suddenly hard to suck air through her lungs. Lola felt dizzy.
It was her fault. She’d been the one to cut their ties. But she’d had to. Because of Bob. He’d taken everything away from her. Why couldn’t she remember?
