The Saki Megapack

by H. H. Munro

  “‘Veronique at last could bear it no longer, and went home; you see, it had been her idea to bring the aunt on this disastrous expedition, and though the others did not cast the fact verbally in her face, there was a certain lurking reproach in their eyes which was harder to meet than actual upbraidings. The other two remained behind, forlornly mounting guard over their aunt until such time as the waning of the Dieppe season should at last turn her in the direction of home and safety. They made anxious calculations as to how little ‘good money’ might, with reasonable luck, be squandered in the meantime. Here, however, their reckoning went far astray; the close of the Dieppe season merely turned their aunt’s thoughts in search of some other convenient gambling resort. ‘Show a cat the way to the dairy—’ I forget how the proverb goes on, but it summed up the situation as far as the Brimley Bomefields’ aunt was concerned. She had been introduced to unexplored pleasures, and found them greatly to her liking, and she was in no hurry to forgo the fruits of her newly acquired knowledge. You see, for the first time in her life the old thing was thoroughly enjoying herself; she was losing money, but she had plenty of fun and excitement over the process, and she had enough left to do very comfortably on. Indeed, she was only just learning to understand the art of doing oneself well. She was a popular hostess, and in return her fellow-gamblers were always ready to entertain her to dinners and suppers when their luck was in. Her nieces, who still remained in attendance on her, with the pathetic unwillingness of a crew to leave a foundering treasure ship which might yet be steered into port, found little pleasure in these Bohemian festivities; to see ‘good money’ lavished on good living for the entertainment of a nondescript circle of acquaintances who were not likely to be in any way socially useful to them, did not attune them to a spirit of revelry. They contrived, whenever possible, to excuse themselves from participation in their aunt’s deplored gaieties; the Brimley Bomefield headaches became famous.

  “And one day the nieces came to the conclusion that, as they would have expressed it, ‘no useful purpose would be served’ by their continued attendance on a relative who had so thoroughly emancipated herself from the sheltering protection of their wings. The aunt bore the announcement of their departure with a cheerfulness that was almost disconcerting.

  “‘It’s time you went home and had those headaches seen to by a specialist,’ was her comment on the situation.

  “The homeward journey of the Brimley Bomefields was a veritable retreat from Moscow, and what made it the more bitter was the fact that the Moscow, in this case, was not overwhelmed with fire and ashes, but merely extravagantly over-illuminated.

  “From mutual friends and acquaintances they sometimes get glimpses of their prodigal relative, who has settled down into a confirmed gambling maniac, living on such salvage of income as obliging moneylenders have left at her disposal.

  “So you need not be surprised,” concluded Clovis, “if they do wear a depressed look in public.”

  “Which is Veronique?” asked the Baroness.

  “The most depressed-looking of the three,” said Clovis.

  THE PEACE OFFERING

  “I want you to help me in getting up a dramatic entertainment of some sort,” said the Baroness to Clovis. “You see, there’s been an election petition down here, and a member unseated and no end of bitterness and ill-feeling, and the County is socially divided against itself. I thought a play of some kind would be an excellent opportunity for bringing people together again, and giving them something to think of besides tiresome political squabbles.”

  The Baroness was evidently ambitious of reproducing beneath her own roof the pacifying effects traditionally ascribed to the celebrated Reel of Tullochgorum.

  “We might do something on the lines of Greek tragedy,” said Clovis, after due reflection; “the Return of Agamemnon, for instance.”

  The Baroness frowned.

  “It sounds rather reminiscent of an election result, doesn’t it?”

  “It wasn’t that sort of return,” explained Clovis; “it was a home-coming.”

  “I thought you said it was a tragedy.”

  “Well, it was. He was killed in his bathroom, you know.”

  “Oh, now I know the story, of course. Do you want me to take the part of Charlotte Corday?”

  “That’s a different story and a different century,” said Clovis; “the dramatic unities forbid one to lay a scene in more than one century at a time. The killing in this case has to be done by Clytemnestra.”

  “Rather a pretty name. I’ll do that part. I suppose you want to be Aga—whatever his name is?”

  “Dear no. Agamemnon was the father of grown-up children, and probably wore a beard and looked prematurely aged. I shall be his charioteer or bath-attendant, or something decorative of that kind. We must do everything in the Sumurun manner, you know.”

  “I don’t know,” said the Baroness; “at least, I should know better if you would explain exactly what you mean by the Sumurun manner.”

  Clovis obliged: “Weird music, and exotic skippings and flying leaps, and lots of drapery and undrapery. Particularly undrapery.”

  “I think I told you the County are coming. The County won’t stand anything very Greek.”

  “You can get over any objection by calling it Hygiene, or limb-culture, or something of that sort. After all, every one exposes their insides to the public gaze and sympathy nowadays, so why not one’s outside?”

  “My dear boy, I can ask the County to a Greek play, or to a costume play, but to a Greek-costume play, never. It doesn’t do to let the dramatic instinct carry one too far; one must consider one’s environment. When one lives among greyhounds one should avoid giving life-like imitations of a rabbit, unless one want’s one’s head snapped off. Remember, I’ve got this place on a seven years’ lease. And then,” continued the Baroness, “as to skippings and flying leaps; I must ask Emily Dushford to take a part. She’s a dear good thing, and will do anything she’s told, or try to; but can you imagine her doing a flying leap under any circumstances?”

  “She can be Cassandra, and she need only take flying leaps into the future, in a metaphorical sense.”

  “Cassandra; rather a pretty name. What kind of character is she?”

  “She was a sort of advance-agent for calamities. To know her was to know the worst. Fortunately for the gaiety of the age she lived in, no one took her very seriously. Still, it must have been fairly galling to have her turning up after every catastrophe with a conscious air of ‘perhaps another time you’ll believe what I say.’”

  “I should have wanted to kill her.”

  “As Clytemnestra I believe you gratify that very natural wish.”

  “Then it has a happy ending, in spite of it being a tragedy?”

  “Well, hardly,” said Clovis; “you see, the satisfaction of putting a violent end to Cassandra must have been considerably damped by the fact that she had foretold what was going to happen to her. She probably dies with an intensely irritating ‘what-did-I-tell-you’ smile on her lips. By the way, of course all the killing will be done in the Sumurun manner.”

  “Please explain again,” said the Baroness, taking out a notebook and pencil.

  “Little and often, you know, instead of one sweeping blow. You see, you are at your own home, so there’s no need to hurry over the murdering as though it were some disagreeable but necessary duty.”

  “And what sort of end do I have? I mean, what curtain do I get?”

  “I suppose you rush into your lover’s arms. That is where one of the flying leaps will come in.”

  The getting-up and rehearsing of the play seemed likely to cause, in a restricted area, nearly as much heart-burning and ill-feeling as the election petition. Clovis, as adapter and stage-manager, insisted, as far as he was able, on the charioteer being quite the most prominent character in the play, and his panther-skin tunic caused almost as much trouble and discussion as Clytemnestra’s spasmodic succession of lovers, who broke dow
n on probation with alarming uniformity. When the cast was at length fixed beyond hope of reprieve matters went scarcely more smoothly. Clovis and the Baroness rather overdid the Sumurun manner, while the rest of the company could hardly be said to attempt it at all. As for Cassandra, who was expected to improvise her own prophecies, she appeared to be as incapable of taking flying leaps into futurity as of executing more than a severely plantigrade walk across the stage.

  “Woe! Trojans, woe to Troy!” was the most inspired remark she could produce after several hours of conscientious study of all the available authorities.

  “It’s no earthly use foretelling the fall of Troy,” expostulated Clovis, “because Troy has fallen before the action of the play begins. And you mustn’t say too much about your own impending doom either, because that will give things away too much to the audience.”

  After several minutes of painful brain-searching, Cassandra smiled reassuringly.

  “I know. I’ll predict a long and happy reign for George the Fifth.”

  “My dear girl,” protested Clovis, “have you reflected that Cassandra specialized in foretelling calamities?”

  There was another prolonged pause and another triumphant issue.

  “I know. I’ll foretell a most disastrous season for the foxhounds.”

  “On no account,” entreated Clovis; “do remember that all Cassandra’s predictions came true. The M.F.H. and the Hunt Secretary are both awfully superstitious, and they are both going to be present.”

  Cassandra retreated hastily to her bedroom to bathe her eyes before appearing at tea.

  The Baroness and Clovis were by this time scarcely on speaking terms. Each sincerely wished their respective rôle to be the pivot round which the entire production should revolve, and each lost no opportunity for furthering the cause they had at heart. As fast as Clovis introduced some effective bit of business for the charioteer (and he introduced a great many), the Baroness would remorselessly cut it out, or more often dovetail it into her own part, while Clovis retaliated in a similar fashion whenever possible. The climax came when Clytemnestra annexed some highly complimentary lines, which were to have been addressed to the charioteer by a bevy of admiring Greek damsels, and put them into the mouth of her lover. Clovis stood by in apparent unconcern while the words:

  “Oh, lovely stripling, radiant as the dawn,” were transposed into:

  “Oh, Clytemnestra, radiant as the dawn,” but there was a dangerous glitter in his eye that might have given the Baroness warning. He had composed the verse himself, inspired and thoroughly carried away by his subject; he suffered, therefore, a double pang in beholding his tribute deflected from its destined object, and his words mutilated and twisted into what became an extravagant panegyric on the Baroness’s personal charms. It was from this moment that he became gentle and assiduous in his private coaching of Cassandra.

  The County, forgetting its dissensions, mustered in full strength to witness the much-talked-of production. The protective Providence that looks after little children and amateur theatricals made good its traditional promise that everything should be right on the night. The Baroness and Clovis seemed to have sunk their mutual differences, and between them dominated the scene to the partial eclipse of all the other characters, who, for the most part, seemed well content to remain in the shadow. Even Agamemnon, with ten years of strenuous life around Troy standing to his credit, appeared to be an unobtrusive personality compared with his flamboyant charioteer. But the moment came for Cassandra (who had been excused from any very definite outpourings during rehearsals) to support her rôle by delivering herself of a few well-chosen anticipations of pending misfortune. The musicians obliged with appropriately lugubrious wailings and thumpings, and the Baroness seized the opportunity to make a dash to the dressing-room to effect certain repairs in her make-up. Cassandra, nervous but resolute, came down to the footlights and, like one repeating a carefully learned lesson, flung her remarks straight at the audience:

  “I see woe for this fair country if the brood of corrupt, self-seeking, unscrupulous, unprincipled politicians” (here she named one of the two rival parties in the State) “continue to infest and poison our local councils and undermine our Parliamentary representation; if they continue to snatch votes by nefarious and discreditable means—”

  A humming as of a great hive of bewildered and affronted bees drowned her further remarks and wore down the droning of the musicians. The Baroness, who should have been greeted on her return to the stage with the pleasing invocation, “Oh, Clytemnestra, radiant as the dawn,” heard instead the imperious voice of Lady Thistledale ordering her carriage, and something like a storm of open discord going on at the back of the room.

  The social divisions in the County healed themselves after their own fashion; both parties found common ground in condemning the Baroness’s outrageously bad taste and tactlessness.

  She has been fortunate in sub-letting for the greater part of her seven years’ lease.

  THE PEACE OF MOWSLE BARTON

  Crefton Lockyer sat at his ease, an ease alike of body and soul, in the little patch of ground, half-orchard and half-garden, that abutted on the farmyard at Mowsle Barton. After the stress and noise of long years of city life, the repose and peace of the hill-begirt homestead struck on his senses with an almost dramatic intensity. Time and space seemed to lose their meaning and their abruptness; the minutes slid away into hours, and the meadows and fallows sloped away into middle distance, softly and imperceptibly. Wild weeds of the hedgerow straggled into the flower-garden, and wallflowers and garden bushes made counter-raids into farmyard and lane. Sleepy-looking hens and solemn preoccupied ducks were equally at home in yard, orchard, or roadway; nothing seemed to belong definitely to anywhere; even the gates were not necessarily to be found on their hinges. And over the whole scene brooded the sense of a peace that had almost a quality of magic in it. In the afternoon you felt that it had always been afternoon, and must always remain afternoon; in the twilight you knew that it could never have been anything else but twilight. Crefton Lockyer sat at his ease in the rustic seat beneath an old medlar tree, and decided that here was the life-anchorage that his mind had so fondly pictured and that latterly his tired and jarred senses had so often pined for. He would make a permanent lodging-place among these simple friendly people, gradually increasing the modest comforts with which he would like to surround himself, but falling in as much as possible with their manner of living.

  As he slowly matured this resolution in his mind an elderly woman came hobbling with uncertain gait through the orchard. He recognized her as a member of the farm household, the mother or possibly the mother-in-law of Mrs. Spurfield, his present landlady, and hastily formulated some pleasant remark to make to her. She forestalled him.

  “There’s a bit of writing chalked up on the door over yonder. What is it?”

  She spoke in a dull impersonal manner, as though the question had been on her lips for years and had best be got rid of. Her eyes, however, looked impatiently over Crefton’s head at the door of a small barn which formed the outpost of a straggling line of farm buildings.

  “Martha Pillamon is an old witch” was the announcement that met Crefton’s inquiring scrutiny, and he hesitated a moment before giving the statement wider publicity. For all he knew to the contrary, it might be Martha herself to whom he was speaking. It was possible that Mrs. Spurfield’s maiden name had been Pillamon. And the gaunt, withered old dame at his side might certainly fulfil local conditions as to the outward aspect of a witch.

  “It’s something about some one called Martha Pillamon,” he explained cautiously.

  “What does it say?”

  “It’s very disrespectful,” said Crefton; “it says she’s a witch. Such things ought not to be written up.”

  “It’s true, every word of it,” said his listener with considerable satisfaction, adding as a special descriptive note of her own, “the old toad.”

  And as she hobbled away
through the farmyard she shrilled out in her cracked voice, “Martha Pillamon is an old witch!”

  “Did you hear what she said?” mumbled a weak, angry voice somewhere behind Crefton’s shoulder. Turning hastily, he beheld another old crone, thin and yellow and wrinkled, and evidently in a high state of displeasure. Obviously this was Martha Pillamon in person. The orchard seemed to be a favourite promenade for the aged women of the neighbourhood.

  “’Tis lies, ‘tis sinful lies,” the weak voice went on. “’Tis Betsy Croot is the old witch. She an’ her daughter, the dirty rat. I’ll put a spell on ‘em, the old nuisances.”

  As she limped slowly away her eye caught the chalk inscription on the barn door.

  “What’s written up there?” she demanded, wheeling round on Crefton.

  “Vote for Soarker,” he responded, with the craven boldness of the practised peacemaker.

  The old woman grunted, and her mutterings and her faded red shawl lost themselves gradually among the tree-trunks. Crefton rose presently and made his way towards the farm-house. Somehow a good deal of the peace seemed to have slipped out of the atmosphere.

  The cheery bustle of tea-time in the old farm kitchen, which Crefton had found so agreeable on previous afternoons, seemed to have soured to-day into a certain uneasy melancholy. There was a dull, dragging silence around the board, and the tea itself, when Crefton came to taste it, was a flat, lukewarm concoction that would have driven the spirit of revelry out of a carnival.

  “It’s no use complaining of the tea,” said Mrs. Spurfield hastily, as her guest stared with an air of polite inquiry at his cup. “The kettle won’t boil, that’s the truth of it.”

  Crefton turned to the hearth, where an unusually fierce fire was banked up under a big black kettle, which sent a thin wreath of steam from its spout, but seemed otherwise to ignore the action of the roaring blaze beneath it.