I reach down to unzip him, I take him in my hand, feel his hardness grow and I ache for this release now, I need him. This man. This.
He rests a hand on my hip, swings me around, then yanks my jeans down. He nudges my legs apart with his knee, and he’s inside me before I have a chance to draw breath, his fingers sliding between mine up against the wall. He thrusts into me with an almost violent force, and I buck back just as hard, I grip him tight, I want to hurt him. That’s why he’s here, a vehicle for me to take my anger out on in the only twisted way I know how.
He lets go of my hand, reaches down, and he touches me. It’s all I can do to stop myself from crying out. And he senses that, pushes my head around slightly so my mouth catches his; so my cries seep into him.
‘Harder,’ I whisper. I need him to go deeper, it makes me feel safe. Protected. But I also need to feel pain. To know that I’m still alive and not just sleepwalking my way through the nightmare that my life has become.
He takes hold of my hand again, grips my fingers tight as he pulls out of me. Then he slams back into me with a force that pushes the breath from my body, but the pain it causes is beautiful.
Your best friend wants me, Michael.
He wants me…
It’s crazy, brutal sex. Hard and fast. Wrong. Sordid. Dirty. Sex.
He makes me come with his fingers, his body buried deep within mine as I tense up. And as my release ends, his begins. I feel him explode inside me, feel him flood me with his toxic power, and I fall back against him, his arm circling my waist, holding me. For a second we stay there, in silence, my head resting against his shoulder, his breath hot on my neck as his breathing slows down.
His fingers remain curled around mine. He’s still inside me, and for a second or two I allow calm to spread through me. I breathe in deeply and squeeze his hand before I ready myself to let go of this, to head back to reality. I have a job to do.
I needed him. He temporarily fixed me, but I’ll break again. I always do. But I know he’ll be there. To fix me…
Chapter 3
I don’t want Michael to know that I called Ernie. And I asked Ernie not to tell Michael I’d been in touch; asked if we could meet away from the university. I don’t want my husband to know I’ve talked to him. And Ernie’s going to ask why, of course he is. As far as I’m aware Michael hasn’t told any of his colleagues that we’re not even living in the same house anymore, that we’re barely talking. Or maybe he has, I don’t know. I’m about to find out.
I park the car and head inside the pub – one I chose because it’s a little way out of Durham. A country pub, in the true sense of the word. Cosy seating, a real fire, beams on the ceiling; it’s quaint. I’ve been here before, once, with Liam, so I’m vaguely familiar with its layout, and I scan the room as I look for Ernie. Professor Ernie Waterford, a man who isn’t just Michael’s work colleague, he’s also his friend. Our friend. He was Michael’s lecturer before he became his mentor, and he’s always been there, on the periphery of our lives. I just have no idea how much Michael’s confided in him over the past year or so, if at all. Maybe he hasn’t needed to. He’s had her, hasn’t he?
He’s sitting at a table in the corner, by the fire, which isn’t lit today because we’re heading into summer. I make my way over to him and as I approach, he stands up, holds out his arms and hugs me. The usual, familiar bear hug I always receive from Ernie.
‘Ellie, my darling, how are you?’
He waits for me to sit down before he takes his seat. A gentleman to the end. ‘I’m fine.’
I’m not. I’m so far from fine.
He looks at me, sits back down in his chair, crosses his legs and clasps his hands together in his lap. He knows something’s wrong. It’s obvious something’s wrong, otherwise why would I insist that he keeps this meeting secret from Michael?
‘Why did you want to speak to me?’ he asks. ‘Don’t get me wrong, it’s always a pleasure to spend time with you, it’s just a little unusual for you to request something so … clandestine?’
I pause, and for a second I wonder if I’ve done the right thing, coming here. I’m still not sure who I can trust, but that brief moment of clarity soon disappears. I’ve been left with so few choices now. This is what I’ve been driven to. ‘You … you know that Michael and I – we’ve been through a lot. Things have been tough – really tough, and I don’t know how much Michael’s told you…’
‘He hasn’t spoken to me in any great detail about anything personal, Ellie.’
I briefly look down, aware that I’m fiddling with my wedding ring, twisting it round and round my finger. And then I raise my gaze, look Ernie in the eye.
‘Have you noticed anything … odd about Michael’s behaviour over the past few months?’
He frowns slightly. ‘Odd? No, not really, but to be honest, Ellie, I’m not around as much as I used to be. I don’t see Michael all that often … is something wrong?’
I shake my head, even though it’s obvious I’m lying. I just don’t want to tell him too much. But there are things I need to know, so I’m pushing this.
‘That student – the one who invaded our home, the one who…’ I look down again, closing my eyes for a second or two while I try to compose myself. And then I feel his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently, his voice quiet as he leans in to me.
‘I’ll go and get us some drinks. The usual?’
His tone is kind and I nod without looking up. I’m scared that if I look at him right now I might cry. There’ve been times over the years when Ernie has felt more like a father to me than my own ever was. He’s always cared, even from a distance. That’s why I’m here now, because he cares about me and Michael, and whatever I need to know, he’ll tell me if he can. I’m sure of that.
My phone ringing out distracts me and I reach for it on the table, turning the volume down as I glance at the screen. It’s Liam. It’s nearly always Liam. I answer it, sitting back in my chair as I look around the pub. It’s fairly busy for a weekday afternoon, and I wonder if Michael brings her to places like this. Out of the way places. Secluded, secret places where he has little chance of his infidelity being discovered. The kind of places I come to with Liam, but that’s different. Our situation is different. I need Liam. He doesn’t need Ava.
‘You’re not at work, Ellie. Where are you?’
Sometimes he treats me like a child. He has no right to know my every move.
And I have every right to know my husband’s?
‘I’m in a meeting, Liam.’
That’s not entirely a lie. This is a meeting, of sorts.
‘Come to mine tonight. Please. I don’t like the idea of you being in that house alone.’
‘Then you come to me.’
Strange though it may seem, whilst I once hated being alone there, I don’t want to leave my home, even though it doesn’t feel much like one right now. There are times when it feels more like a prison. But I don’t want to walk away, I’m not giving up. It’s going to feel like a home again, one day. When Michael’s back and all that’s broken is fixed.
‘Is that what you want?’
‘Yes.’
‘Okay … are you all right?’
‘You keep asking me that, Liam.’
‘Because I care about you. I love you…’
‘Stop saying that. Please.’
I glance over at the bar. Ernie’s coming back with our drinks.
‘I have to go. I’ll call you later.’
I hang up and toss my phone into my bag.
‘Here we go. Gin and tonic, ice and lemon. Just how you like it.’
‘Thank you.’ I smile and take a sip of the gin, enjoying the feeling of the cold liquid hitting my throat.
‘Is there something you need to talk about, Ellie?’
I look up, his eyes meeting mine, and I’m back in control now. I’m good. ‘Before it happened – that night … Ernie, you know the kind of man Michael is.’
He raises an e
yebrow, steeples his fingers together under his chin. ‘The kind of man…?’
‘Tactile. Flirtatious. Charming.’
‘There’s nothing wrong in being that kind of man, Ellie.’
‘There is if that kind of man takes advantage of his position.’
He frowns again, his eyes still fixed on mine, but he remains silent. He waits for me to expand on that.
‘Has he ever – have you ever seen him act in an inappropriate way with any of his students?’
Ernie leans forward and drops his hands, his eyes staring deep into mine. ‘What are you trying to say, Ellie?’
‘You know why she did what she did. Why she came to our home, why she attacked me, you know why she did that. She did it because she had some ridiculous notion that Michael had promised her some warped kind of happy-ever-after, and I just need to know…’ I take a second to breathe. ‘I need to know if it really was a ridiculous notion.’ I raise my head, and look back at Ernie. ‘I need to know if his behaviour is something I should’ve been worried about a lot sooner.’
Ernie’s frown deepens. ‘You think Michael may have had inappropriate relationships with students?’
‘The way he is – the way he behaves…’
‘He’s an excellent lecturer, Ellie. The kind of person who draws people in, holds their attention. It’s a very special quality, not one many possess. And it isn’t unusual for students to sometimes develop crushes on their professors…’
‘What she felt was more than a crush, Ernie.’
He throws me an apologetic look. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound as flippant as it may have come across.’
I sit back, and try to ignore the anger that’s starting to kick up inside of me. All around me life continues, and I’m envious of all those people who don’t have a darkness surrounding them. They’re lucky.
‘There’s another student … Ava. I can’t remember her surname … I think he might be…’ I can’t bring myself to say it. I’ve already said too much. ‘I think he might be sleeping with her.’
I turn back to face Ernie. His expression is one of confusion, surprise; concern. For what I’ve just told him? Or for me? Has Michael told him how unstable he thinks I’ve become? No. Ernie said he hasn’t spoken to him in any detail about anything personal, but then, I’m surrounded by liars, aren’t I? Ernie could be lying too. I really don’t know who I can trust anymore.
‘What makes you think something’s going on between Michael and this student?’
I drop my gaze, look back down at that gold band on my finger. ‘I’ve seen them together. Outside of the university…’ I stop talking. I can’t let him know I’ve had Michael followed. I can’t let him know I listened in to his calls, read his texts. If I tell him that then he’s just going to think that I’m crazy. Unhinged. Paranoid. Everything my husband thinks I am, but I’m none of those things. He’s just driven me to this with his lack of concern. Lack of comfort.
‘Have you seen anything that makes you think he’s sleeping with her?’ Ernie asks, and the tone of his voice now is akin to that of someone speaking to a child. It irritates me, makes my skin prickle. I can feel that anger edging back now.
It was a mistake, coming here. I shouldn’t have done it. I stupidly thought Ernie might have been able to help me, when all this has done is make him pity me.
‘He’s changed, Ernie. He isn’t the man I used to know.’
I’m not the woman I once was either, and all I wanted to do was bring us back to those people. Be those people, again. I thought we could do that. Now I’m not so sure.
Ernie leans forward, and when he looks at me this time the pity is so clear in his eyes it makes me flinch.
‘I thought you’d both come through the other side, Ellie. Every time I saw you, either of you, together or alone, you always seemed like you’d fought what happened and won.’
‘Sometimes everything you see isn’t the truth.’
I pick up my bag and reach into it for my car keys. This was a mistake.
‘I should go now. I have a meeting in Newcastle later, I don’t want to be late.’
A lie. I have no meetings. Carmen’s looking after everything today.
‘Ellie, are you sure you’re okay?’
I try to summon up a smile, but I’m not convinced the one I give him reaches my eyes.
‘I’m fine. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here, and I shouldn’t have said what I did, I’m just being stupid. Me and Michael are going through a bit of a rough patch, that’s all. It happens. Especially when you’ve been through everything we have. We’ll be fine. We’ll work it out.’
‘I’m sure that whatever it was you thought you saw, between Michael and this student – it’s just his way, Ellie.’
Just his way… Something I’m expected to accept, right?
‘Forget I said anything, Ernie, I really am sorry. You’re right. I’m probably just reading something into a situation that doesn’t exist.’
Am I? Really?
He stands up, comes over to me, takes both my hands in his and smiles. He seems almost relieved. ‘You have nothing to apologize for, my darling. I had no idea things were still affecting you so badly.’
Nobody has any idea how badly everything is still affecting me. Nobody.
‘I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. We just need a bit more time, that’s all.’
I lean in to kiss his cheek, but I do need to go now.
‘You take care, Ellie.’
I throw him what I hope is a more convincing smile and start to walk away, but then I stop. I turn back around.
‘You won’t tell Michael we met today, will you? Only, I don’t want to worry him. He still worries, you know?’
Ernie nods, just the slightest dip of his head, and I can only hope that he’ll respect my wishes. I just have to trust him.
As I walk out of the pub into the afternoon sunshine, I feel everything from anger and frustration at my own naivety to an overwhelming sadness at what I’ve become. What my life has become. I feel alone. Isolated, confused and scared, and I can’t have that. Those feelings can’t take over, I haven’t stopped fighting yet. I’m tired, and there’s a tiny part of me that wants to give up but I refuse to do that.
Michael loved me once.
He’ll love me again.
He’ll love me. Again…
Chapter 4
‘Hey, you,’ Liam murmurs into my neck as he slides his arms around me from behind, his hands edging up under my T-shirt. His T-shirt. It’s all I’m wearing. We’ve just had sex in the shower, my skin’s still damp, my body tingling with the memory of him pounding into me against the tiled wall as the water cascaded down over us. I shiver, and he laughs, a sound which vibrates into my shoulder and I shiver again.
I turn around and look at him, all tall and handsome in nothing but his jeans, his dark-blonde hair pushed back off his face, those steel-grey eyes of his shining. He’s been a part of my life for so long, will I ever be able to let him go? That thought scares me, because this was never meant to be anything more than sex. Fun. An escape. I’m fighting for my husband, for that life I want back – I don’t want this. Not forever.
I reach out, grab hold of the waistband of his jeans and I pull him towards me. I kiss him, and he smiles, and for one wonderful, fleeting moment everything feels okay. The darkness lifts and I see light, but it doesn’t last. The darkness always returns.
He tucks a finger under my chin, and tilts up my face, his eyes locking on mine. ‘I hate seeing you so sad, Ellie. What I said before, about us leaving here, leaving all this shit behind, I still mean that. We can still do that.’
‘I can’t, Liam…’
I pull away from him, walk out of the kitchen, into the living room. I don’t want to talk about leaving. I’m not leaving.
‘You and Michael – it’s over, Ellie.’
I swing around to face him, shaking my head, I refuse to believe him.
‘And I’m n
ot doing this to hurt you…’
‘Then stop saying it.’
He comes over to me, and rests his palm against my cheek, forcing me to look at him. ‘He’s sleeping with a student. A student who’s pregnant…’
‘We don’t know it’s his.’
‘Jesus, Ellie, wake up! If it isn’t his then why the hell is he with her? All those meetings, those pictures Karl showed you… Baby, you need to stop fighting this. You’ve put your life on hold for far too long while he’s been out there living his. Without you.’
I shake my head again, he’s wrong. He’s wrong.
‘He doesn’t love you anymore, how can he? But I do.’ He leans in to me, his thumb stroking my cheek, his mouth almost touching mine as he speaks. ‘I love you.’
He kisses me, and I press my hand against his chest, feel his heart beating hard. Fast. I don’t want him to love me, so I should push him away and end this. I should. But I can’t. Without him I’m weak. Alone. I need him to lean on. Or do I really just need to feel loved…?
He reaches down, takes hold of the T-shirt and pulls it off over my head. I gasp as the cool breeze blowing in through the slightly open window hits my naked skin.
‘I love you, Ellie,’ he whispers, his eyes staring deep into mine, and I’m confused and tired; I don’t love him. I don’t, love him…
I back up against the wall, close my eyes as he touches me, slides a hand between my legs, forcing them apart. But I’m not fighting this. This is another welcome moment of relief.
He rests his hand lightly on the curve of my waist, dipping his head to kiss my shoulder, moving down until he reaches my breasts. His touch is so different to Michael’s. Had he been this way back then? Had we fucked the way we fuck now, back then? I can’t remember.
Till Death Do Us Part Page 2
