I wind my fingers in his hair, bite down on my lip as his beard scratches my skin. It tickles slightly but that only seems to heighten everything. And when he raises his head and his eyes meet mine, the corner of his mouth curls up into a smirk and I laugh. He makes the shit go away, he makes it all go away, he chases it down. He gives me a few moments of peace. Calm. Escape…
I pull gently on his hair as he pushes inside me, his thrusts slow at first but picking up speed. I trail my fingers up and down his spine, dig them into his flesh, scratch at his skin, because that makes him fuck me harder. It makes him hurt me like I’m hurting him; the pain is all part of what we do, I crave it.
‘What the hell…?’
Michael.
I slowly open my eyes. I look at Liam, but he doesn’t move. He makes no attempt to pull out of me and for a second it’s like my world’s stopped turning. Maybe this is just a dream…
‘Does somebody want to tell me what the fuck is going on?’
I hadn’t pulled the bolts over the door, because Liam’s here. I hadn’t done that, but I hadn’t thought for one second that Michael would come home, not yet. After what happened at the hotel? No… Why is he here? Why?
My breath catches in my throat. I’m aware of my heart hammering away, so fast it’s not making my attempts at breathing any easier, and the silence that fills the room now is dark and heavy, punctuated only by the ticking of the clock on the wall above the fireplace.
Liam takes my face in his hands, and whispers something to me I don’t catch, because I’m not hearing anything other than the wild beating of my heart. Then he finally pulls out of me, and turns slowly around to face Michael. I crouch down, reach for the discarded T-shirt, slipping it on as I back up against the wall, my eyes fixed on Liam and Michael. Best friends. Brothers, almost. And I watch as that friendship crumbles around them. It’s over. Now.
The silence is still there, still hanging heavy in the air, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I’m scared, I don’t know what I’m feeling. But I know there’s a tiny part of me that’s glad Michael’s found us. I’m glad, because seeing Liam touch me like that, it’ll shake him up, won’t it? Make him see what the consequences of his actions have been. He drove me to this, his indifference to my feelings pushed me into Liam’s arms, he’ll see that now. He did this. He caused this…
‘How long?’ Michael’s the first one to break the silence, and his eyes, they don’t move from Liam. He hasn’t looked at me, maybe he can’t. ‘How long have you been fucking my wife?’
Liam takes a few steps forward, and it’s then that I realize how much taller than Michael he is. How much stronger he seems.
‘Do you care?’
Michael laughs … no. He sneers, but Liam doesn’t react. He doesn’t do anything, he just stands there, a face-off that is more terrifying than any fight. I expected a fight, I didn’t expect this. My stomach’s pulled into a knot so tight I’m still finding it hard to breathe. So when Michael finally looks at me, when he walks past Liam as though he doesn’t exist, it feels like someone’s grabbed hold of my throat, like they’re squeezing it; I really can’t breathe.
‘You accuse me of sleeping with my student and all the time you’ve been fucking him?’
‘All you had to do was talk to me…’
‘Oh no … no, Ellie, don’t you dare use me as an excuse for this. I have done nothing wrong, it’s you…’ He stops talking, but he’s looking right at me and he doesn’t break that stare. I’ve never seen his eyes so cold. Never seen him look so angry. So disappointed. So distant. ‘You really are a fucking mess, aren’t you?’
‘How can I be anything else, Michael?’
He cocks his head slightly, as though he’s trying to read my mind; see deeper into my fucked-up soul.
‘I did something really bad, we both know that. But this – this isn’t it. This was how I got through it, this was what I needed, to help me forget, to help me deal with everything – because I wasn’t dealing with it. And you refused to see that…’
‘You refused to let it go, Ellie. You refused to accept what happened despite everyone telling you it was what you needed to do, what you had to do. You didn’t need to do this.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, and I feel stupid tears start to burn the back of my eyes. I think he’s right. I am a fucking mess. But I’m still in control. Still hanging on. ‘I’m so sorry. For everything.’
‘You should’ve listened to me, Ellie. I told you, to let it go, to leave it alone. What I did for you…’ He trails off, but his eyes remain locked on mine as he backs away from me. I feel numb, detached from the situation, almost. I watch as he faces Liam one more time; hold my breath as I wait for something to happen, but once more they just stare each other down. ‘You’re not fucking worth it.’ Michael almost spits the words out, but Liam doesn’t flinch. Only his eyes move, following Michael as he walks away. As the door slams shut out in the hall. Still he keeps his back to me, his gaze focused on the open living room door. And then he holds out his hand – he just reaches behind him, and I take his hand. I let him pull me against him because I don’t know what else to do.
‘What did he do for you, Ellie?’ he murmurs into my forehead, his fingers winding in my hair. I slide my hand down over his hard body, rest it on his hip, dig my fingers gently into his skin as memories of that night come flooding forward again.
What did he do…?
Chapter 5
Fourteen months ago…
A sharp kick to the lower back jolts me awake and I wonder how long I was out. Seconds? Minutes? Have I been lying here for hours? All I know is my body hurts, wave after wave of pain washes over me.
‘I need to think … I need to think…’
She repeats those words over and over like a mantra as she paces backwards and forwards along the edge of the pool, her hand in her hair, she’s pulling at it, her behaviour’s terrifying to watch.
I drop my hand to my stomach and flinch as another wave of pain hits me, before I carefully lift my top up, wincing at the bruises already forming on my skin.
‘Hey!’
My head jolts up and I see her, standing over me, her eyes glaring down at me. Cold, lifeless eyes.
‘Get up,’ she instructs, and I try to pull myself to my feet but my ankle gives way beneath me. It’s too painful to put any weight on. ‘Jesus…’
She reaches down, grabs hold of my arm and yanks me to my feet, forcing me to put weight on my injured ankle. I don’t know if it’s broken but the pain is harsh, and standing up is difficult. Then she pushes me back against the wall, and I’m actually relieved that I have something to lean on, something to support me.
‘Okay … okay, I know what I have to do…’
She’s talking to herself, she isn’t directing that at me, and I watch as she wanders over to the pool edge, crouches down, dips her hand in the water. She stays there for a good few seconds, staring down at her hand as she moves it around, and I know I have a chance now, to get out of here, to run, and no matter how painful that’s going to be it’s what I need to do. I need to run. Find a phone. I need to call for help because I have no idea what this woman is going to do.
I take a deep breath and make for the door, but the second I turn my back she’s there, the swift kick she delivers to the back of my knees sending me crashing to the floor, hitting the tiles with a heavy thud. I land on my stomach, and I close my eyes and try to breathe, try to believe that my baby is okay, that he or she can survive this but the fear that’s inside me now is too much. I’m scared, I’m tired, and once again I think about just giving in. I don’t know if I can fight this anymore.
I keep my eyes squeezed shut, my body tensing up as I wait for her to do whatever it is she’s going to do next, and I cry out in pain as she kicks me over onto my back. Tears start to stream down my face as my hand drops to my stomach, but she yanks it away and I open my eyes. I stare at her as she crouches down beside me, grasps my wr
ist, and places her own hand on my stomach, tilting her head as she rubs it slowly.
‘Michael’s baby is in there, huh?’
‘What do you want?’ I hiss, my voice can barely rise above a whisper. It hurts to speak.
She twists her head around to look at me. ‘I thought I’d made that clear. I want Michael. He wants me. I don’t even know what you’re doing here.’
She stands up, pulls me up with her and pain floods my body again as she forces me back to my feet.
‘You need to go now.’ She lets go of my wrist and wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows that overlook the front lawn and the driveway, but it’s dark outside. There really isn’t anything to see. ‘Michael will be home soon. You can’t be here.’
She turns around to face me, and her expression is something that fills me with a new kind of fear. She believes what she’s saying, that she’s the one Michael comes home to, not me.
‘You had no business touching him.’ Her voice has an edge to it now, and I back away as she walks towards me. Maybe I can make it to the door again, before she reaches me, but I don’t think my legs are strong enough. I try to quicken my pace, but the pain is too much. I start to feel my legs give way again and she grabs me before I fall, just to slam me back against the wall. ‘You had no business, touching him,’ she repeats, and she’s so close to me now. Her face is right up in mine, and my heart is beating so fast, so hard I feel like I’m about to pass out. ‘He’s mine, not yours, you crossed a line…’
From somewhere, I don’t know where, a rush of something comes flooding forward, a strength I didn’t think I had left in me suddenly takes over, and I grab hold of her hair, yank her head back, and twist her around so she’s the one with her back to the wall. She has no right – no fucking right to invade my home, to inflict her sick shit on me. To hurt my baby.
‘Get out of my house, you fucked-up bitch.’
I twist her hair around my fingers, pulling it harder; I’m fucking angry now. But something outside momentarily distracts me. Headlights. Their bright beams briefly flooding the room and I turn my head to look outside … a mistake. She pushes me forward and I crash back to the floor, back onto my stomach, and I cry out as a fresh wave of pain swamps me. It’s incessant, and I try to crawl away but she grabs hold of my ankle and drags me back, kicking me over. I cry out again as she brings her boot down onto my stomach, not just once, but again and again. She rains those kicks down on me like she’s stamping on some random insect, and I can’t do anything to stop her. But then I remember the headlights … someone’s outside … the car … someone’s here, they can help me. They can help…
I try to scream but she pulls me to my feet and presses her hand over my mouth, her eyes blazing as they burn into mine. She shakes her head, and I feel her other hand touch my neck, she starts to squeeze it, pressing her fingers into it and I don’t know if I have any fight left in me now, I just know I have to try. Or she’s going to kill me. She might have already killed my baby, and that thought is what fires me up, what gives me the strength to push her away. The pain wracking my body is brutal and raw as she rushes back towards me, grabs my arm, and twists it up and around; I scream out loud, the sound of bones breaking making me sick to my stomach. The pain is so intense now I almost pass out, but I can’t do that. I can’t stop fighting, I can’t give up, and despite the pain I fight with everything I have left inside of me.
I somehow wrench my injured arm free and I punch her in the stomach with my other balled-up fist, but she staggers back just a couple of steps before she comes for me again, and I can already feel what little strength I had left ebbing away. The room’s starting to spin, and I know I have only one option left to me now, if I want to survive this. One chance. And I take it. I push the pain aside and I kick out, one hard kick that floors her. That brings her crashing down, the sound of her head hitting the edge of the pool echoing off the walls. And for a second I think that’s it. Is she unconscious? But she slowly lifts her head, puts her hand down, tries to raise herself up but I can’t have that, I haven’t got the strength to let this carry on and I stamp down on her hand, as hard as she was stamping on my baby. I crush her fingers, I don’t care that bones are breaking beneath me, she’s broken mine. And despite the pain that’s taken over every inch of my body I sink to my knees, press my hand against her neck…
‘Ellie!’
His voice momentarily distracts me, and I look up. Michael … Michael’s here. But he’s too late. This has to stop, now, he’s too late.
‘Ellie, Jesus…! Ellie, stop!’
I feel her move beneath me, feel her start to struggle and I look down into her eyes. And I feel nothing.
‘Ellie, please…’
I tune him out, I’m not listening. I’m finishing this, now. I’m ending it. He’s too fucking late.
I grab hold of her hair and slam her head back against the edge of the pool, watching as blood floods out into the water, turning the surface a deep red. I’m not here anymore, in this room, in this place. It’s like I’m watching this play out from the sidelines, like someone else has taken over my body and I press my hand against her neck one more time. Just to make sure. But her eyes, they really are dead now. She’s dead, and I watch as the puddle of blood around her head grows bigger, trickling down over the tiles, more of it spilling out into the water.
I pull my hand from her neck, try to raise myself to my feet, ignoring the pain because I need to step back from this now.
What have I done?
What the fuck have I done?
I can’t move, I can’t go anywhere, I just keep staring as that pool of blood around her spreads wider, it’s almost reached my feet now.
‘Jesus Christ, Ellie…’
His voice snaps me out of that trance and I turn my head to face him. ‘You weren’t here, Michael.’
The panic on his face is clear as he rushes towards me, pulling me into his arms, and I cling onto him. I hold him so tight, I’m scared to let go. I close my eyes, I don’t want to look anymore. I don’t want to see what I’ve done. I know what I’ve done. I killed her. I killed her … did she deserve that?
‘I know, sweetheart, I know…’ He strokes my hair, kisses the top of my head. ‘I’m so sorry, darling…’
His voice is fading and the pain’s taking over – it’s too strong now. I feel myself start to fall, feel him catch me and lower me down, before he sinks down with me. He sits next to me, keeping an arm around me as he pulls out his phone. He’s calling the police. Paramedics. Soon this place will be flooded with people, all asking questions, and I’ve never been so scared.
I killed her.
I took someone’s life…
‘I’ll take care of this, Ellie. Okay?’
I look at him. My handsome husband. Is it his fault she was here? Is what happened here, tonight, Michael’s fault? I’m so confused…
I look down, and I don’t know whether the blood pooling around me is from her or whether it’s mine. Is something happening to my baby? Am I losing my child?
A numbness starts to spread through me. I feel cold and clammy, the pain, it’s fading now as that numbness takes over.
‘I’ll take care of this,’ Michael repeats. ‘I promise you, Ellie, I won’t let anything happen to you.’
And I have no choice but to believe him.
Chapter 6
Present Day
‘I killed her, Liam.’
He hands me a tumbler of whisky and sits down on the stair beside me.
I look at him. ‘I killed her.’
‘It was self-defence, Ellie. You had no choice.’
I stare down into the tumbler and shake my head. ‘No. She was still alive, she wasn’t trying to hurt me, not at that point … if I’d left her … if I hadn’t slammed her head back a second time…’ I take another sip of whisky. ‘Michael was there, he told me to stop, and I just carried on … I didn’t give him a chance to help, I just … I killed her. Because I was so
fucking angry.’
‘The police didn’t see it that way.’
‘The police believed the story Michael told them. The story he told me to stick to. He saw her slip as she lunged towards me, saw her fall and hit her head. She tried to get back up, slipped again, hit her head a second time. The fatal blow.’ I shrug. ‘They believed it.’
Liam stays silent, staring out ahead of him at the now locked and bolted front door.
I down the last of the whisky and stand up, head into the kitchen.
‘None of this is your fault, Ellie.’
I turn around and lean back against the counter. I fold my arms and look at Liam. ‘He saw me kill her. I murdered her, Liam, she was still alive…’ I drag a hand back through my hair and turn my head away. ‘And he covered for me. He lied, for me. And all I had to do was leave it alone…’
He comes over to me, gently turns my head back to face him. ‘None of this is your fault, do you hear me? All you wanted to do was talk, and he refused to listen…’
‘He told me not to drag it up, he told me to just let it go, and I didn’t. I couldn’t. I took someone’s life, and I still can’t deal with that, but I should have tried to.’
‘She killed your baby, Ellie. She kicked your child out of you…’
‘That doesn’t mean she deserved to die too.’
He takes my face in his hands, he forces me to look at him. ‘You did what you had to do, but it’s over now. Okay? It’s over.’
I shake my head, pull his hands away from my face. ‘No, Liam, it’ll never be over.’
‘Jesus Christ… It’s over! What else has to happen before you finally start to believe that?’
‘Michael said he’s done nothing wrong, but he’s lying. I know he is. He’s still lying to me.’
He takes my hand and clutches it tight. ‘It’s time to walk away now, Ellie.’
Till Death Do Us Part Page 3
