‘Jesus…’ He drags a hand through his hair, turns away from me for a second. ‘I don’t fucking believe this…’ He swings back around to face me. ‘You said it was just sex. That you and him … you said it meant nothing, it was just sex.’
‘It is just sex. For me.’
‘Yet, you’re willing to move to America with him? For what, exactly? A lifetime of great fucks?’
‘Grow up, Michael.’
He grabs my wrist, pushes me back against the wall, but I wrench my arm free. I push him away, I’m not doing this.
‘What the hell is going on between you two, huh?’
‘Does it matter now? Does any of this matter, now?’
Does it? I’m beginning to wonder myself. Beginning to think that putting ourselves through all this pain … is it really worth it?
‘Jesus, Ellie, I still love you. I still fucking love you…’
‘No, you don’t. You don’t.’
‘Don’t tell me how I feel, you have no idea … My best friend, Ellie. You slept with my fucking best friend…’
‘Because I needed someone to be there for me.’
‘I was there for you.’
I shake my head, wrap my arms back around myself. ‘No, Michael, you weren’t. Not in the way I needed you to be.’
‘So, what? He gives you the come-on and you open your legs without a single thought for what the consequences are going to be?’
‘None of this has anything to do with what me and Liam—’
‘You’re kidding yourself, if you believe that.’
I walk away from him, into the kitchen, and he follows me. I need a drink, and I reach for the bottle of whisky on the counter, but his hand closes around mine the second I touch it.
‘That doesn’t help anything.’
I loosen my grip on the bottle, but he keeps his hand on mine. And for a second neither of us says anything. The atmosphere surrounding us is loaded and heavy and I’m filled with a mixture of anger and sadness and – hate? Do I really hate him? For what he’s done? Do I hate myself? For what I’ve done?
‘Don’t go with him, Ellie.’
His words vibrate against the side of my neck as his mouth touches my skin, and I shiver. I look down as his fingers tighten around mine, as his lips brush my shoulder.
It isn’t right, what’s happening. I don’t want him to touch me now, I don’t want him, anymore. I can’t get past what he’s done, what he’s still doing, I can’t forgive the lies. I just tried to ignore them by creating my own, and that was a mistake. Like I said, we’re all to blame…
I let go of his hand and turn around. I reach for my phone, my eyes locked with his as I press play; as the sound of her voice echoes around the kitchen. Our conversation, from earlier, he needs to hear it. He needs to know that he has no right to ask me anything anymore. No right to tell me what to do.
‘She was at the spa, this afternoon. Did you know that?’
His eyes remain fixed on mine, he just narrows them slightly. He’s looking at me like I’m nothing. That moment we shared just a few seconds ago, that’s over. Gone. That’s forgotten. His eyes have darkened, their once bright blue colour dimmed by the hatred and pity he feels for me now.
‘What did you say to her?’
I hold the phone up. ‘It’s all here. I just asked her a few questions…’
He takes a swipe at my wrist, knocks the phone from my hand so hard it hits the wall behind me; smashes to the floor, and I watch as it hits the tiles, shattering on impact.
‘You don’t know what you’re dealing with, Ellie. You have no idea what’s going on…’
‘Then tell me! Just tell me, Michael, let’s end this right here, right now. Let’s stop all the lies and just tell the fucking truth. Is she having your baby?’
He looks at me, right into my eyes, and I swallow hard. I feel my heart start to race. My skin feels cold, like there’s no blood rushing through my veins. I feel empty. I’m not even sure I care whether he tells me the truth or not now. I’m tired of it all. But then, do I really want all this mess, all this fucking heartache – do I want that all to have been for nothing?
‘Ellie, I…’
He drops his head, rubs the back of his neck. He seems nervous. Is he finally going to admit what he’s done? And then his eyes meet mine, and I take a deep breath, grip the counter behind me to steady myself.
‘I can’t do this…’ He steps back, shakes his head, and I watch as he turns and leaves. Walks away. Like he always does. He walks away.
I grab the whisky; I sink to the floor and look over at my shattered phone as I take a swig straight from the bottle. One mouthful. Two. Three. I’m not satisfied until I feel the hit, feel the edges of my world begin to blur again.
‘Ellie?’
I slowly look up, shift my gaze to the door as Liam runs through it. He takes the bottle from my hand and yanks me to my feet, he holds onto me because I’m swaying slightly. Too much alcohol, not enough food. That’s how I live now.
‘Did you know your front door was open?’
‘Michael was here,’ I say quietly, clutching his T-shirt, I’m still a little unsteady on my feet.
‘Here? Why?’
‘He wanted to talk. Wanted to clear the air…’ I look up into his eyes, and I smile slightly. ‘The irony, huh? Now he wants to talk…’
I let go of Liam, start to make my way out of the kitchen, into the living room. I turn around to face him as he leans against the doorpost.
‘It didn’t really go all that well.’
‘What happened to your phone?’
I tell him, about Ava, about her visit to the spa; about Michael’s reaction to the recording.
‘He told me not to go with you. To America.’
‘Are you taking any notice?’
I don’t answer that.
‘Did something happen, Ellie?’
‘Like what?’ I go over to the window, look outside at the late evening sunshine beating down on the gravel driveway.
‘If he’s telling you not to go with me…’
I spin around, my eyes locking with his. ‘We had a moment.’
He frowns. ‘A moment?’
I don’t respond, he knows what that means.
He comes over to me and he kisses me. ‘Do you trust me, Ellie?’ His mouth still touches mine as he speaks, and I nod, grasping his T-shirt tighter between my fingers. ‘Then know that this will get better, okay? And once we’re out of here…’ He smiles and slides a hand around the back of my neck; he strokes my skin ever-so-lightly with his fingertips. ‘All of this will be forgotten. I’ll make this better, I promise you.’
But promises, they get broken, don’t they?
‘All you have to do is trust me.’
Chapter 15
The phone ringing jolts me from my sleep and I glance over at the clock on the wall. It’s just gone 10 p.m.; I must’ve dozed off in front of the TV.
The phone continues to ring and I reach over to the table next to the couch to retrieve it. I don’t recognize the number but I answer it anyway.
‘Hello?’
‘I need to speak to Ellie Travers.’
‘Speaking.’
‘It’s about your husband…’
‘Michael?’
‘Mrs Travers, your husband was brought into hospital a couple of hours ago…’
I sit bolt upright, switch the TV off.
‘He collapsed…’
I get up off the couch, start pacing the floor, I’m confused. Am I actually awake? I’m not dreaming this, am I?
‘Collapsed…? Is he – is he okay?’
Was he with her? Is she there, with him, by his side?
‘Mrs Travers, if you’d just…’
‘Which hospital is he in?’
‘North Durham…’
I cut her off. I’ll find out the facts when I get there, I can’t do anything here.
I grab my jacket and head straight out, I don’t even doub
le check I’ve locked the door, I don’t care about that right now. I just need to get to Michael. I can’t think about anything else, and I’m thankful the drive to the hospital is a short one.
Pulling the car into the car park I hurriedly try to find some change, pay for the parking and run into the building. I’m assuming he’s in A&E, so that’s where I head first. But he’s been moved now, and a kind-faced nurse directs me to the ward they’ve taken him to. And when I get there, the first person I see is Liam, leaning back against the wall closest to the nurses’ station. Why’s he here? I don’t understand…
‘Hello? Can I help you?’
I turn around as one of the nurses approaches me.
‘Are you Mrs Travers? We spoke on the phone earlier…’
‘Sorry, yes, I’m Ellie Travers.’
‘Okay, Mrs Travers…’
‘Ellie, please.’
‘Ellie … if you’d just like to wait here someone will be out to speak to you in a little while.’
I want to ask a million more questions but I know she won’t be able to answer all that many. I need to wait for the doctor. I still don’t understand why Liam’s here…
I walk over to him, ignoring the hand he holds out for me. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I was there. When it happened.’
Now I’m really confused. ‘Where? Where were you, when it happened?’
‘We were at the squash club…’
‘Why the hell were you with Michael, Liam?’
‘I still go to the club, Ellie. Just because me and Michael aren’t …’ He stops talking, looks around the ward; does he know where Michael is?
‘Have you seen him? Since he was brought in?’
He looks back at me. He nods, and I feel sick, I don’t think this has sunk in yet.
‘I tried to bring him round, when he collapsed. I wasn’t there at the time, he was in the changing rooms … I heard people shouting for me, they knew I was around, knew I could help, so…’
‘So … what? Liam, what happened to my husband?’
‘They don’t know for sure, they’re doing tests … Ellie, it’s going to be…’
‘No. No, don’t you stand there and tell me it’s going to be okay, don’t do that.’
‘Ellie…’
He reaches for my hand but I pull it away, I don’t want to be touched. I want to know what happened to my husband.
‘Ellie, please, look at me. Look at me.’
I do as he says, I look at him. I hold his gaze and I wait for him to say something.
‘I told you to trust me. I still need you to do that.’
I’m only half-listening now, because something else is distracting me. Someone else, her voice … she is here. Why the hell is she here?
I slowly turn my head, look back over at the nurses’ station, and I see her. Her hair’s pulled back into a ponytail, her neat little baby bump prominent beneath the sweatshirt she’s wearing. She looks dishevelled. Upset. So am I, I have every right to be. She has none.
‘Ellie, stop!’ Liam grabs hold of my hand, to stop me from going over there, from confronting her, but I’m tired of this now. Here is where this shit ends, I don’t care about the circumstances, she needs to know that she’s not welcome here. ‘Don’t.’
I glare at him, what fucking right does he have to stop me from doing anything?
‘Leave it.’
‘Leave it? His fucking teenage whore has no right to be…’
‘This isn’t the place…’
‘You know, I am tired of you telling me what I should and shouldn’t do, this fucking ends. Right now.’
I glance back over to where Ava was, she’s seen me. And the expression on her face tells me she knows exactly who I am now. She fucking knows.
I walk over to her, and she doesn’t move, she doesn’t back away, she doesn’t make any attempt to go anywhere. Which is wise.
‘I don’t know what the hell you’re doing here,’ I hiss. ‘But I’d like you to leave.’
‘I need to be here,’ she whispers, and I applaud her audacity, I really do, but she’s pushing me now.
‘Get the hell out of this hospital, you have no right to be here…’
‘I have every right.’
I raise my eyebrows; her front shows no bounds. ‘You do? I wasn’t aware mistresses had rights over wives now…’
‘I’m not his mistress.’
I narrow my eyes. I stare at her. She’s lying, surely…
‘I’m his daughter.’
Chapter 16
I heard the words, I heard them come out of her mouth, I saw her say them. They’re just not registering. They’re not making any sense.
I feel Liam behind me, feel him take my hand and I don’t fight it this time.
‘His – his daughter?’
She’s about to say something else when I hear the doctor call my name. He beckons me over to a side room – Michael’s room, I’m assuming – and she makes to come with me but I stop her. I don’t want her anywhere near me, this is too much for me to take in, too much for me to handle right now.
‘You can see your husband now, Mrs Travers.’
I let go of Liam’s hand as the doctor stands aside to let me through. Michael’s sitting up, he looks pale. He doesn’t look right, he looks in pain, and I stop for a second before I go any closer.
He has a daughter.
For a split second I try to forget that she told me that. I try to forget everything, but I can’t, can I? So much – too much has happened.
‘Ellie.’
He holds out a hand and I move closer, I take his hand in mine. His skin is cold. Clammy. And I really don’t know what I’m feeling now. I’m angry, confused; I wanted his secret exposed, but this…? I wasn’t ready, for this.
‘Don’t trust him, Ellie.’
I frown. What does he mean, who’s he talking about?
‘Liam … don’t – don’t trust him.’
I don’t want to talk about Liam. Liam doesn’t matter right now.
‘She’s outside, Michael. Your daughter.’
His expression changes, and despite the fact a few minutes ago all I cared about was that he was okay, I hate that he kept such a massive secret from me. I hate that his lies were so much worse than I could have imagined, that he listened to me accuse him of sleeping with her when all the time he knew…
‘You should have told me,’ I whisper.
‘I couldn’t…’
‘You should have told me.’
I drop his hand and I walk away. I can’t do this, I don’t know if I even want to anymore.
‘Ellie!’
I stop, but I don’t turn around.
‘I mean it. You can’t trust him.’
I leave the room, stand back and watch as Ava takes my place.
‘Do you know what caused him to collapse?’ I direct that at the consultant in front of me.
‘Initial tests have revealed an abnormally high level of meperidine in his blood…’
‘I’m sorry … what?’
‘It’s used to treat mild to moderate pain. Your husband was taking it for an injury he acquired to his wrist a little while back.’
I look over at Liam. I’m confused. I was aware of Michael’s injury, but I had no idea it was something so bad that he had to take painkillers. Why would I have cared? He’d just thrown divorce papers at me, we weren’t all that close at the time.
‘I don’t understand … he’s injured his wrist, so, why was he at the squash club tonight?’
The consultant looks to Liam for help with that one, and Liam takes a step towards us. Slides his hands into his pockets.
‘He was there for the tournament. As a spectator. He went back into the changing rooms after the final match, to see everyone, and that’s when he collapsed. I was called in, to try and help.’
None of this is making sense. But what it is doing is making me realize, once and for all, how far Michael and I have drif
ted apart. How distanced our lives really had become.
‘We’re still trying to work out how that much meperidine ended up in his system, but what we do know is that it can be incredibly addictive in a very short space of time.’
‘Are you telling me he’s addicted to a prescription drug?’
‘He assures us that isn’t the case, but we have to ask, we have to make sure we cover every possibility.’
I fall back against the wall, close my eyes for a second or two. ‘Is he going to be okay?’
‘He’s going to be fine. We’ll keep him here on the ward for a little while. There are a few more tests I’d still like to carry out, just to rule out any other underlying problems that might have caused him to collapse, but all being well he should be able to go home in a couple of days. If you have any more questions, please, feel free to come and talk to me.’
‘Thank you…’ The doctor walks away and I look at Liam. ‘He told me not to trust you.’
He frowns. ‘Michael?’
‘Yes, Michael.’
‘He’s confused, Ellie. It’s a side effect of the meperidine, confusion. Drowsiness. Fainting. He won’t be thinking straight right now.’
I look into the side room, see Ava sitting on the edge of the bed, holding Michael’s hand. She looks scared.
‘Did you know? About her? Who she is?’
‘No, Ellie…’
‘I need some air.’
I make my way back outside, I can’t stay in there, it’s suffocating. I need to breathe, need some time to think.
The cool night air hits me the second I step outside, exhaustion swamps me, and I sink to the floor, drawing my knees to my chest. I don’t want company, but it seems he doesn’t care about that.
‘I want to be alone, Liam.’
He lowers himself down beside me, and I don’t stop him. I don’t have the energy.
‘Why didn’t he just tell me the truth?’
He doesn’t reply. What can he say? He doesn’t know the answer to that one, only Michael does. And I don’t know why I’m not back in there, making him tell me. Maybe I don’t want to hear it. The truth.
‘An affair would have been easier to deal with.’
Liam pulls out a packet of cigarettes and offers me one. I decline. He lights up, takes a drag, and I watch as he blows smoke up into the dark night sky.
Till Death Do Us Part Page 7
