‘I accused him of so much shit. And all the time he knew the truth, why didn’t he just tell me?’
‘He must have had his reasons.’
I look at my now naked left hand, only the indent of where my wedding ring once was is there now. Where did I put it? My wedding ring? And then I remember, Liam took it from me.
‘Do you have my wedding ring?’
He turns his head to look at me. ‘Why do you want that back?’
‘Because it’s mine.’
‘So, this sudden revelation means things have changed, huh?’
‘Jesus, Liam, of course things have changed!’
I push myself to my feet, start to go back inside.
‘Ellie, wait!’
I turn back around.
‘I love you, Ellie. We’ve made plans, remember? Me and you, we’re leaving here, we’re starting that new life…’
‘I can’t do that now. I can’t go anywhere, not now.’
His expression darkens slightly, but what did he expect? That I’d just check on Michael, make sure he was okay, then skip happily off into the sunset with him for a new life in California?
‘I’ve just found out he has a daughter. For all we know he could be addicted to prescription painkillers, things have fucking changed, Liam.’
‘I’ve accepted the job now.’
‘And nobody’s making you stay. But I’m not going anywhere. Not anymore.’
I make my way back inside. Ava’s in the relatives’ room now, and she isn’t alone. The woman I saw her with at the hospital a little while ago, she’s with her now.
They both look up as I close the door behind me, and I’m sure I see a flicker of pity cross their faces. I don’t want or need their fucking pity, I need to know what the hell is going on.
They both stand up as I approach, and I watch as the older woman slides an arm around Ava’s waist. They look alike, these two women. But Ava, she bears no resemblance to Michael at all.
‘Is Michael all right?’ I ask, wrapping my arms around myself, it’s almost a defensive action. I don’t want anyone near me, I don’t trust anyone, I haven’t done for a long time now.
‘He’s sleeping,’ the older woman replies. ‘Look, Ellie, we need to talk…’
‘You’re right. We do.’
‘If you’d rather wait for Michael to explain…’
‘No. I’m sure you’re quite capable of telling me everything I need to know.’
‘You deserved to know sooner. He just – he didn’t think you were up to it…’
She trails off, and I can see she feels like she may have overstepped the mark with that comment. She has. But it isn’t entirely her fault. And then it suddenly dawns on me. If she’s Ava’s mum, which I’m assuming she is, then she must’ve slept with Michael at some point. When? Was he sleeping with her when he was with me? Is he the kind of man who cheats and lies, is Ava just a consequence of his actions? Is she the only consequence?
I feel dizzy, this is all too much, all in one go, but I need to know everything now, I just need a second…
I feel a hand on my hip steady me; lower me down onto a chair and I look up to see Liam beside me. I don’t know whether I want him here or not, but he isn’t something I’m concerned with right now. Ava and her mother are.
‘My name’s Sara. Sara Douglas. Michael and I, we went to university together. We were friends, stayed friends once we’d left, only, one night that friendship…’ She doesn’t need to finish that sentence, we all know what she means. We all know what happened. ‘It was a one-time thing…’
‘When did this happen? When, exactly, did you sleep with him?’
‘I had no idea he was in a relationship, Ellie, believe me. He didn’t say anything, didn’t tell me he was with someone. If I’d known I would never have gone there…’
‘Jesus …’ I whisper, throwing my head back, am I right? Is my husband no better than my father? Was his perfect image nothing more than a front? Something I fell for? Was sucked in by? Believed?
‘I didn’t tell him I was pregnant. When I found out he’d lied to me, that he was with someone when he’d slept with me, I didn’t want to complicate things so I kept quiet. I moved away, brought Ava up on my own, until I met Larry… It was only when Ava started university here, when she found out Michael was a lecturer, here…’
‘I wanted to meet my birth father,’ Ava interrupts.
I turn to look at her. I’ve been so unfair to her, even though she has no idea how badly I’ve thought of her. Because my husband lied to me.
‘He had no idea that I even existed, not until I contacted him a few months ago. And I wanted him to tell you, Ellie, but he was nervous…’
‘Do you – do you know what happened to us?’
She looks briefly at her mother before she turns back to face me, and she nods. Of course she knows. ‘He said you weren’t coping, weren’t…’
‘He thought I was too unstable, right?’
‘That isn’t what he said…’
‘He should have told me.’ I reach for Liam’s hand. Everything’s changing again, everything’s shifting, again, and I feel like I’m spinning out of control. ‘At the spa … when we were talking, you told me your lecturer – you said he got you pregnant? I don’t understand…’
‘I had a very brief affair with another lecturer, not long after I started uni. I’m not proud of it, and I know it was wrong, but I loved – I love him. And when I fell pregnant…’ She looks at her mother again, and she squeezes her hand, gives her a reassuring smile and I feel all kinds of guilt swamp me. I hated this woman, and she did nothing wrong. She didn’t lie. She didn’t cheat. Nothing was her fault. Everything was Michael’s.
‘Michael has been really good to me, Ellie. He’s looked after me, supported me, I just wanted to know who my father was. And what you went through … I can’t even begin to imagine what that felt like. I’m so sorry.’
She has nothing to be sorry for.
I shake my head, keep hold of Liam’s hand. ‘It’s okay. It’s fine, I just … we moved on. That’s all we could do.’
She throws me a weak smile, drops her head, and starts picking at the hem of her sweatshirt. She seems nervous.
‘Ava?’
She slowly raises her gaze, looks at me briefly then glances at her mum before turning her attention back to me. ‘He’s my dad and – and he’s been good to me, but … that doesn’t mean I…’
She stops talking. I’m confused.
‘Doesn’t mean you’re what, Ava?’
She looks up at her mum, and Sara gives her daughter’s hand another squeeze before she takes over.
‘Ellie, it – it might not be my place to tell you this…’
‘Tell me what?’
‘I don’t know how honest Michael has been with you, but, from what I know – and I have no idea how much of it is true and how much of it is just hearsay…’ She holds my gaze, and I feel my fingers tighten around Liam’s. ‘I heard things. After I moved away I kept in touch with a few of our mutual friends … there were rumours…’
She leaves that sentence hanging, she doesn’t really need to finish it. And I can see she wishes she hadn’t said anything, but I’m glad she did. I’m glad I know who my husband really is – what my husband really is.
‘Maybe you should talk to Michael.’
Sara’s voice is fading into the background now. I don’t need to talk to Michael. I don’t want to talk to Michael, even though there’s a small part of me that wants to confront him, to make him tell me I’m wrong, that what Sara’s just told me is wrong; that he didn’t cheat. Didn’t lie. That he wasn’t a coward for keeping the truth about Ava from me when he should have been man enough to tell me. What did he think I was going to do? Dissolve into an emotional heap on the floor because he was now a parent? Something I can never be. But there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to know any more. I really do think it’s over now.
Liam slides an
arm around my waist and I lean into him. It’s time to go.
I look at Ava and Sara. And I smile, because I’m genuinely grateful that this happened. That I found out what I needed to know; that my husband’s secret was exposed. That my entire marriage was probably nothing more than a lie?
‘Good luck, with the baby. I’m glad I met you, Ava.’
She smiles, but she’s as worn out as I am. As we all are. I just want to go home now. I want to sleep. Forget, for a little while, that any of this happened.
And maybe I will, in time.
Maybe I will…
Chapter 17
I’m woken by bright sunlight streaming in through the bedroom window, and I turn over, but Liam isn’t there. I reach out, splay my palm out over the space next to me. It’s cold. How long has he been up?
I get out of bed, pull on my robe and head downstairs. Liam’s in the kitchen, making toast, and I watch him from the doorway for a second or two. Is he the only man who hasn’t lied to me? Is he the only one I can really trust? Michael told me not to, but Michael was a man I never really knew. A man I should never have trusted.
Liam turns around and sees me standing there. He looks concerned, but he shouldn’t be. I’m fine. ‘Hey. You okay?’
I nod and walk over to him. I step into his arms and I let him hold me. He smells of lime and coconut, and when I kiss him he tastes of toothpaste and coffee.
‘How long have you been up?’ I murmur as his fingers run lightly up and down my spine.
‘A while. I couldn’t sleep. I went out for a run, came back, grabbed a shower. You hungry?’
I shake my head and step out of his arms. Last night, what happened, what I heard, it’s all rushing back, flooding my brain, but I know one thing for sure – it really is all over now.
‘You should eat, Ellie. We’ve got a busy few days ahead.’
‘I’m fine, Liam.’
We fly in three days’ time. We start a new life, in less than a week. Me, and this man here. The man I should have always been with? Who knows. Maybe I did just take a wrong turn, made a bad decision. But we’re both still here. We survived.
He touches my hip and I flinch slightly, but then I relax and lean back against him. I let his arms fall back around me, close my eyes as he lightly kisses my neck.
‘It really is going to be okay, Ellie.’
I reach behind me, and touch his cheek with the palm of my hand, sliding my fingers between his as his hand presses against my stomach. Maybe he’s right. Maybe everything is going to be okay. I think I have to believe him when he tells me that now.
The phone ringing cuts through the sound of the kettle boiling, the noise of the TV playing away in the background. I answer it – I have to. It might be something to do with the salons or the spa. There’s a lot still to be sorted out before we leave for California.
‘Hello?’
As I talk I watch Liam make tea, butter toast, and I wonder how our life would have turned out if we’d stayed together from the start.
‘Am I speaking to Ellie Travers?’
‘Yes?’
‘Ellie, it’s the hospital. It’s Michael … Ellie, I’m so sorry, but your husband passed away a short time ago…’
I drop the phone, step back against the counter and Liam rushes over to me. He picks up the phone and I raise my gaze to look at him as he speaks into it. And then I close my eyes. I squeeze them shut, I might still be dreaming. This might not be real…
‘Ellie?’
I keep my eyes closed, no, I’m not awake. I’m not.
‘Ellie, come on. Look at me.’
His fingers close around mine and I slowly open my eyes, I look into his, and I shake my head.
‘No,’ I whisper. ‘No…’
‘I’m sorry, baby.’
I don’t know why I’m not crying. Why I don’t even want to cry. Why? Because I still don’t believe it’s real?
‘How?’
‘We need to go to the hospital…’
‘How did he die, Liam?’
He looks right into my eyes, and gently strokes my hair, but I feel strangely okay now. It’s a shock, of course it is, but it’s odd, how okay I actually am.
‘He suffered a cardiac arrest, that’s all they’d tell me, which is why we need to go to the hospital.’
He pulls me against him, and I hold onto him.
Michael’s dead.
My husband, is dead.
My husband died a long time ago…
They’d tried their hardest, to bring him back. But it was too late. And looking at him now, lying there, at peace…
I never found peace, after that night. But if that night hadn’t happened, would I ever have found out the truth?
I can’t touch him, they need to do a post-mortem. But I’m okay with that. I don’t want to touch him.
I feel strangely detached as I scan his face. His handsome face. I’d thought he was different, but I was wrong, and now there’s a part of me that blames Liam, for letting me go so easily back then. If he’d fought for me harder, could all of this have been avoided?
I take one more look at my cold, dead husband and I wonder if he’d ever really loved me. I’d loved him, but that hadn’t been enough. And that’s what makes me sad – not that he’s dead. That me loving him wasn’t enough.
I leave the room without looking back. I’ve said my goodbyes. And as I head out into the corridor I see Ernie Waterford on his way over to me. Come to pay his condolences, tell me how sorry he is … I’m going to have to listen to so much of that, and I don’t want to.
‘Ellie, my darling…’ He envelops me in a hug, and I let him. I hold him, I’ll give all these people everything they expect from me. But I’m just going through the motions, nothing else. Painting on the widow’s smile, grieving like I’m supposed to while they all choose to ignore the fact that Liam and I aren’t even hiding our relationship now. I’m not doing secrets and lies, not anymore. And then Ernie pulls back, looks at me, and I frown slightly. ‘Listen, I … can we go somewhere more private?’
I nod, and we walk in silence as we head outside. The relatives’ room wasn’t empty when I arrived, there were other families in there; grieving families. Grief isn’t private here, it has to be shared.
‘Ellie, I’m so sorry … we’re all in shock…’
I can’t say anything. I don’t want to say anything. I don’t even want to be here, I want to go back home. I want to leave all of this behind now.
‘But I … I need to clear the air. And I should have told you this before, but Michael he – he confided in me. He made me promise … Ellie, I’m not proud, of what I did…’
I look at him. What the hell is he talking about? ‘What did you do?’ I whisper.
‘I knew, about Ava. I knew who she was, and I helped him – I helped Michael keep his secret.’
I fall back against the wall. So, Ernie was just another liar. There really was nobody I could trust.
‘When I asked you, if he’d had relationships with his students…’
‘To my knowledge she was the only one…’
‘She…?’
He’s not talking about Ava now, and I feel my blood start to freeze in my veins.
Ernie briefly bows his head, and I watch as he wrings his hands. Knowing about Ava was one thing, but even he knows this was one secret he should never have kept.
‘Emma Ford was a very damaged young woman, Ellie. She formed a fixation with Michael that spiralled way out of control…’
‘Did he sleep with her?’
I’m asking a question I already know the answer to, I just need to hear the words.
Ernie coughs, keeps his head bowed for a few more beats before he finally looks at me. ‘I spoke to him, I told him he needed to end the relationship, it wasn’t ethical. It was wrong, especially given her fragile state of mind…’
‘Oh, Jesus…’
I turn away, I can’t take this in.
‘And he obvious
ly tried to end it, Ellie. He tried…’
I hold up a hand to silence him, I don’t want to hear any more, I feel sick.
‘And you’re certain, she was the only student he slept with?’
‘After what happened to you, after that night…’
I look at him, and his eyes are so full of regret but it’s too late.
‘There were no other students, Ellie, I’m almost certain of that…’
He leaves that sentence hanging and I look at him. ‘But?’
Ernie sighs, and I know now that everything I thought I knew was nothing more than a cruel charade.
‘But I think he may have…’ He looks at me, and I feel my blood run even colder. I don’t want to hear what he has to say next yet I know I have to listen. Because every word he utters is making me realize I was right. I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t imagining everything. Yes, I got some things wrong, but my husband was lying to me. He was lying…
‘Did he have affairs, Ernie?’
The answer he gives me is only going to back up what Sara told me last night. The rumours she heard, Ernie’s going to confirm them.
He sighs again, but he looks right into my eyes when he replies. ‘Yes, Ellie. He did.’
I turn my head away, and I want to feel angry, I want to feel sad, I want to feel something, but once again all I feel is numb.
‘Ellie, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…’
I shake my head. I’m tired now. All the betrayal; the people I thought I could trust, they turned out to be nothing more than covers for my husband’s lies, and I’m tired. Of everything. ‘It’s fine. No, really, it is. His lies are finally exposed now, so, I should at least be grateful for that.’
‘I thought I was protecting you, Ellie. I never meant to hurt you, and Michael, he never wanted to hurt you either, that was the furthest thing from his mind…’
‘The furthest thing from Michael’s mind was me.’
I turn to leave.
‘Ellie?’
I don’t stop, I don’t turn back around. I don’t want to hear any more. I know enough. He sat there, just a few days ago, and he lied to my face. A man I thought cared about me. A man I’d trusted; often thought of as a father figure. But fathers have lied to me. Husbands have lied to me.
Till Death Do Us Part Page 8
