Coffee, Love, and Other Stimulants

by Roselyn Jewell

  “I love you.” The words come out before I can think about it. I’ve said them to too many other men, and I’ve let them come out before it was really true. But now they feel more than true. I’m not just in love. I love Todd for being a good dad, for being a good man, for being a good person.

  Before I leave, I take the pen Todd gave me with the name Dr. Kate Hathaway engraved on it. I leave it on the counter. I tell Todd I am leaving it because I want to leave at least one part of myself here. And I want it to be something precious.

  ●

  The months slip past. My relationship with Todd is happy, but not perfect. We both work so much it’s hard to find time to spend together, but we both cherish every moment we have. We laugh over silly stuff, argue over who is buying dinner, and spend a lot of time with Kaelyn.

  For Memorial Day we both have the whole weekend off. Todd wants to meet my parents. On the drive there I worry what my parents will say about the age difference. What will they think of Kaelyn? Today she is staying with a friend—I can’t spring both Todd and Kaelyn on my folks at the same time, but I will have to tell my parents about her. And what about Todd? He looks younger than he is, but he is still fifteen years older than me. Will Mom think I’m desperate? Will Dad think Todd isn’t good enough for me?

  We pull into the driveway and my mother comes running out of the house with her arms open. I step out of the car and she squishes me with a hug.

  “Hey, Mom,” I say getting the words out around her stranglehold.

  “I haven’t seen you in forever!” She steps back but hangs onto my shoulders. “Your father was practicing how to make a heart attack face to make you come down here!”

  “I was not,” my father grumbles, walking toward us. “But it’s great to see you, kid.”

  Todd lingers behind me. I step aside. “Mom, Dad, this is Todd.” I hold my breath. Please, please love him.

  Mom glances at me. I don’t know what she sees on my face but she opens her arms and hugs Todd. Stepping back she eyes him. “So, hmm, you’re a bit…mature?”

  “Mom!” I say.

  “What?” She winks at me and whispers in a voice that’s too loud, “I bet that means he’s experienced too.”

  My father throws up his hands and walks back into the house in mock disgust. My mother laughs at her own joke. I smile at Todd, and he winces and shakes his head.

  My mother grabs my hand. “Kate, if you’re happy, that’s all that matters. God knows that after that last boyfriend, you need a mature man in your life.”

  “He’s great,” I say, gazing over at Todd. A little bit of pink rises into his cheeks.

  “Well, let’s go eat!” Mom takes hold of my hand. “Your father is probably chowing down on everything before we even get a chance to smell the food!”

  My dad grills burgers. Mom pulls out macaroni salad and potato chips. While we eat, my father and Todd talk about the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Philadelphia Eagles. My father seems happy talking sports, but I have a feeling part of it is that he misses John who is off at college now. My mother asks Todd about his career and he mentions how it’s difficult to supervise a pharmacy and raise a daughter.

  My mother gives me her disapproving glare. I shrink into my chair. Mom turns back to Todd. “You have a daughter?”

  Todd looks from Mom to me and back, but his voice sounds calm when he says, “Kaelyn. She’s from…a previous relationship.”

  “How old is she?” my mother asks her eyes narrowing.

  “Twelve,” he says.

  I cringe, but my mother smiles. “A terrible age to be the one raising a little girl. Trust me, I raised one myself. I know all about it. Next year will be even worse.”

  “Mom!” I whine.

  Todd smiles and I see his shoulders ease down. “She’s still a good kid, though I’ve been told to prepare myself for when she becomes a teen. But I have to say…you raised a lovely daughter.”

  My mother smiles and sits up. Todd couldn’t have said anything better. My father nods. Everyone looks at me. My face turns hotter than the grill outside. “Seconds anyone?” I ask.

  The rest of the dinner goes even better. Conversation flows. Todd tells some jokes that get Dad laughing, and Mom drags me into the kitchen to help with dishes. She makes Todd dry too which means he’s family now. The evening passes all too fast. I hate it when we have to go and I can see Mom does as well. We put off leaving for as long as we can and my folks walk us out to the car.

  When my folks wave us off and we’re on the road I lean over and kiss Todd’s cheek. “You were great. That didn’t go half bad.”

  “It was easy. Your parents are nice. And I’m just glad they didn’t think I’m some strange man trying to lure you away from them with free candy.”

  “You have free candy?” Leaning up against his shoulder I dig into his pockets.

  He laughs. “If you want free candy, I’ll find some for you.”

  “What if I just want you?” My digging in his pockets turns into stroking him.

  He squirms in his seat and puts his hand over mine. “You’ll never have to look far. Because I’ll always be here for you.”

  ●

  As a special treat we plan a weekend away in Pittsburgh. Todd books a luxury hotel and takes me to the symphony, which is immeasurably kind of him considering the Steelers are playing tonight. I wear a short teal gown. As we listen to the orchestra, he strokes my thighs a few times and leans over to whisper to me how beautiful I look.

  Afterwards he takes me to the top of Mount Washington. We marvel at the view of the city at night. Pittsburgh’s skyline dazzles. With all of the bright colored lights, it reminds me of a carnival. Todd is fidgeting inside his jacket pocket, which is distracting.

  I glance at him and frown. “Are you cold?”

  “Aren’t I supposed to ask you that?” He wraps an arm over my shoulders.

  “I am perfectly fine. You’re the one who can’t stand still.”

  “Maybe I’m nervous,” he says and clears his throat.

  “You’re not afraid of heights, are you?”

  “No. I’m afraid…of what you’ll say.” He drops onto one knee. I can barely breathe as he holds out a small black velvet box on his palm. He pops it open. Inside a white gold band twists up to a dazzling diamond. Two smaller diamonds flank the center stone.

  Todd clears his throat again and his voice trembles when he says, “Kate Marie Hathaway, I love you more than words could ever describe. There is nobody else like you, and I need you in my life to be happy. Will you marry me?”

  I press a hand to my chest. The world spins and the lights around us seem to fade into darkness. It takes me a few second to gather enough breath to answer. I’m pretty sure I’m hyperventilating. My fingers numb.

  Todd’s face begins to fall.

  Before it gets to bad I shout, “Oh, my God, yes!”

  Todd jumps to his feet and hugs me. I tangle my arms around his neck. He kisses my cheek and twirls me around. He grabs my hand and slides on the ring. My hands shake but he gets the ring on and it fits perfectly. When I look into his eyes, I still see the Earth in his irises, but I also see the love that keeps making the whole universe turn. I’m giddy and want this night never to end.

  That night I spend hours kissing every inch of his body. He turns me so I am under him and he can return the kisses. We make love until dawn and I lose track of how many times he leaves me shuddering and spent. He spreads me out naked on his bed and kneels between my legs. I know what he wants and open my legs for him. Pressing his mouth to my mound he takes my clit in his mouth and tugs. Then he starts to lick me. I melt when he does this. He seems to love it as much as I do. When I start to squirm he teases me with one finger. He pushes two fingers into me.

  “Hard,” I whisper to him. I want him so badly I ache for him.

  “I know what you want,” he says. He sits up. But instead of laying his body over mine, he turns me and pulls me onto my knees. He gives my butt a
playful slap.

  “Hey!” I start to protest.

  He takes hold of my hips. I wiggle my butt. With me on my hands and knees, he pushed into me. Reaching around he starts to rub my clit. I’ve never felt anything so good before. Todd fills me like no one else has. He pushes in slow and pulls out fast. I angle my hips so every thrust sends sparks up my spine.

  “I love you, Kate,” he says the words a harsh rasp. Grabbing my hips he pushes into me hard and fast. I let out a moan and come apart for him. His hot seed spills into me. I feel every burst, every pulse.

  Slowly the tingles fade and I become aware of a cramp in my calf and how I have to move before my hips lock up. Todd falls onto the bed and pulls me into his arms.

  We stay wrapped in each other’s arms until the sun peaks through the window and warms us.

  I am tired but sweetly so, and my body is singing. Dragging my fingertips over the hair on Todd’s chest I ask him, “So do you want a big wedding or shall we elope?”

  Chapter 8: Happily Ever After?

  I’m so nervous that nausea seems to be my bridesmaid. Sam and Ahanna keep telling me to breathe and focus on my happiness. Todd and I decide to stay with the traditional of him not seeing me in my wedding gown, so he’s getting ready at his brother’s house. When I get my stomach to behave, my friends help me into my dress, pin up my hair in an extravagant bun, and help with my makeup. My hands are shaking too much for me to even put on my own lipstick.

  The gown is white lace with Swarovski crystal beading at the neckline. When I put it on, I feel I’ve changed into Cinderella at the end of her story. Except this is the beginning of my story. A new beginning.

  Sam glances over my shoulder as I check how I look in the mirror. “You’re beautiful. You make me want to run down that aisle, shove Todd aside, and marry you myself.”

  I laugh. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t.”

  “It’s been a long road for you.” She tucks a stray strand of hair back into place.

  I nod. “I know. But Todd’s worth it. I should have realized it the first night…”

  Sam looks down at the dress. “This dress is whiter than a ghost. Let’s pray you don’t get your period.”

  My breath catches. I spin around to look at her.

  “What?” She frowns and grabs my shoulder.

  I put a hand to my mouth. “My period always comes at the beginning of the month.”

  “Well, good thing it’s the twenty-third.”

  “No,” I start shaking my head. My insides churn. This is not good—not at all. “The red tide hasn’t shown up this month.”

  We stare at each other.

  “Unzip my dress.” I tug at the shoulders. “I have to change and tell Todd before the wedding. I…I don’t even know if he wants another kid. Oh, God, what am I going to do if he freaks out about this?”

  Sam grabs my shoulders and holds me still. “Kate, people are already sitting down for the ceremony. Todd is probably already with the minister, waiting for you. It’s too late. You either need to cancel the wedding or tell him afterwards.”

  I cover my face with my hands. “I can’t marry him and then drop this on him…and I can’t leave him at the altar. Why is my life one big disaster?”

  Sam pulls my hands away from my face. “Kate, you’ve been through worse before this. You’re going to be fine. If he’s not okay with this kind of news, you shouldn’t be marrying him anyway.”

  I chew on my lip and stare at her.

  Ahanna steps over to Sam’s side. She has been standing back but now she folds her arms and stares at me, her eyes narrowed. “You know, you always think about other people before you think about yourself. Have you asked yourself how you feel about this yet?”

  I blink. I place my hands on my abdomen. I imagine a tiny baby with the Earth in his eyes and a thumb in his mouth. I imagine a little girl with dark hair and a smile as bright as Kaelyn’s. A baby—a her or a him—who calls me mama. A being who I will love with everything I am.

  “I want this baby.” Taking a deep breath, I nod at Ahanna and at Sam. “Let’s go get married. My baby will need a dad.”

  ●

  My dad takes my hand. He sneaks a move to wipe a tear from his cheek as if he’s brushing a fly away. His smile wobbles. I squeeze his arm. We take our first step down the aisle. He has never been a sentimental guy. For him to show this much emotion leaves me ready to burst into tears too. My mouth dries and my insides turn to quivering Jell-o. I am almost ready to turn and run. In front of me Kaelyn dances up the aisle scattering flowers. She has to go back to grab Hayden’s hand. He’s supposed to be the ring bearer but he keeps walking up to everyone. Finally Sam and Ahanna come and grab Hayden’s hands and lead him up to where Todd waits for me.

  When I glance at Todd, I see that his eyes are glossy too. He mouths two words to me. You’re beautiful.

  I’ve always wanted to get married by the ocean, so we have our wedding on Crescent Beach in Rhode Island. The ocean was calm the last time I was here but now the waves crashing against the sand. Is it a sign? Am I making a huge mistake? Will everything change between us once we’re married?

  I almost want to turn and run but Dad leads me down the aisle.

  When I reach Todd, I’m trembling. Dad pats my hand, kisses my cheek and gives the same hand he patted to Todd. Just as it always does, Todd’s touch steadies me and calms me.

  “Welcome everyone!” the minister says. “You are all here today because you are special and important to Todd Lambert and Kate Hathaway. Today you will witness and celebrate the beginning of their life together. Todd and Kate’s commitment to each other will help them grow as individuals and as a couple. They thank you all for coming here to rejoice in this wondrous step into marriage.”

  Leaning close I whisper to Todd, “I have to tell you something.”

  Frowning, he tilts his head closer to me. The minister is talking so I can’t. I turn over Todd’s hand so his palm is facing up. I trace the letters into his hand b-a-b-y.

  He shrugs. He doesn’t get what I’m writing. I continue to trace the letters into Todd’s palm.

  “In your marriage, your love shall be empowered by your need to make the other happy. When you come together it’s not because of loneliness but to add more to each other. When one of you makes a mistake, you will find grace …”

  Popy? He mouths the word. I bite my lower lip and close my eyes. I’ve been doing the B’s upside down.

  The minister finishes his speech. I stop writing in Todd’s hand. I swallow hard and try to smile.

  The minister smiles at me. “You can now say your vows,” he says.

  Todd turns to me. “Kate, I’ve spent my life wandering without purpose until I had Kaelyn. After that, I thought that being a father would be how I spent the rest of my life. When you entered my world, I realized I could be more than a father. I could love someone more passionately than I could understand. I want to grow old with you and share my life with you. I thought my life was complete with Kaelyn, but now I know there’s always been one more spot in my heart for you.”

  “I hope there’s room for two,” I mutter.

  Todd frowns, but the minster turns to me. The word ‘baby’ bubbles but I can’t burst out saying I’m pregnant in front of all of these people. I’ll give Todd a heart attack.

  I wet my lips and say, “Todd, when we first met, I only thought of you as a good friend. The more I got to know you the more I understood you were what I have been searching for my whole life. There is nothing more that I want than to spend the rest of my life with you. And I hope that…we can all be a family.”

  Todd’s eyebrows twitch. He knows those aren’t the vows we wrote together. Those aren’t the words we rehearsed. He tips his head, but the minister is talking again.

  “Todd, do you take Kate to be your wife? Will you her follow through life’s path in both difficult times and good times?”

  “I will.” Todd squeezes my hands.

&nbs
p; I pull in a breath. Will he really?

  “Kate, do you take Todd to be your husband? Will you follow him through life’s path in both difficult times and good times?”

  I open my mouth. If I want to save him Todd being trapped with having a second child, now is the time for me to do something. Say no. Run. Is this how Todd’s first marriage went wrong? Did his wife trap him with an unexpected child?

  “Kate?” the minister asks, leaning close and hissing the word at me. Todd stares at me, his brow furrowed. I can’t break his heart. I have to make this work somehow.

  “I do,” I blurt out the words in a burst of air.

  The minister asks us to exchange rings. My hands are shaking. Sam and Ahanna have to get the rings from Hayden who has been sitting down and playing with them. They hand them to Kaelyn who solemnly hands us each of our rings. My wedding ring is my engagement ring. Todd thought I should select a wedding ring, too but I love the engagement ring so much I don’t need anything more. Todd’s band is simple white gold. He slides the ring onto my finger. He has to help me slide his ring onto his finger because my hands are shaking so much.

  “Are you okay?” he murmurs.

  I nod and mutter, “Baby.”

  Todd smiles. He thinks I am calling him baby.

  “By the power vested in me by the State of Rhode Island, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”

  Todd cups my face in his hands and kisses me. It’s so sweet. Tears flow down my cheeks in a hot trail. Todd wipes them away with his thumbs and smiles at me. My throat tightens. Todd takes my hand and mutters, “What’s wrong?”

  Before we walk down the aisle I lean forward so my mouth is near his ear. “I’m pregnant,” I whisper.

  He steps back, his eyes wide. “Really?”

  The music plays. We have to move. Sam and Ahanna are staring at us. Kaelyn frowns at me. We start down the aisle, nodding to the guests, smiling. Todd leans closer to me. “When…what? Are you sure?”