Get Even

by Amanda Heath

  Eight

  Farah

  I’ve been sitting in this bed for a week. I’ve gotten up to shower and eat but I can’t bring myself to do much else. I should be out there looking for a job. I should be out there looking for a place to live. I don’t, though, because I can’t bear to leave.

  I sleep and I sleep. I dream of Sarah, everything good and bad about her. There are no words to express the love I had for her. I’ve stopped looking for them. Every time I open my eyes I’m looking for her¸ hoping and praying she’s alive because I don’t think I can go on.

  Then today happened.

  I remembered I had an old shoebox of CDs in my closet from high school. Even then I was staying here at Pops’ more than I did at my parents’ house. Since I was a total emo kid in high school I know those CDs will help keep the mood I’m in.

  Totally depressing.

  So now I’m standing on a stool, looking through the junk on the top shelf of my closet. I finally find the box and I feel my lips pull up into a small smile. While it wasn’t a great time in my life, it was still the best time. I had Pops and I had Sarah. I was stronger then.

  I pull the box down and step off the stool. My Fall Out Boy shirt moving smoothly against my skin and a pair of black shorts keeping up the black mood in my room.

  I set the box down on my bed and then I jump up beside it. I don’t remember taping it shut and I can feel my eyebrows sink in confusion. I use my nails to cut through the tape and lift the lid off.

  I let out a shocked gasp as I realize that inside the box is a bunch of envelopes, not my CDs. I start picking them up and my confusion grows when I see that the envelopes are mostly addressed to Blake. One is addressed to Max and one thick one is addressed to me. I have a sinking feeling I know who wrote these.

  Sarah loved her romance movies. I think she’s watched Safe Haven too many times because no doubt there is a letter to Blake for every birthday for the rest of his life. Tears fill my eyes and fall down my cheeks because it’s then I know she knew she was going to die. She put these letters somewhere I would find them. I don’t know why but I’m sure I’ll find out when I open mine. My sister knew me so well. I didn’t even realize I would look in that box until I needed the music of my youth to help with my grief.

  I wipe the tears off my face and quickly open the letter. It’s folded over several times and there are six pages of typed letter. So Sarah. I imagine her sitting in her classroom while her students worked, and she wrote these letters so Max wouldn’t see.

  My fairest Farah,

  You…you are the person I’ve loved all my life. You are my soul mate and everything I needed for every day I was alive. I’m trying not to cry as I write this. I’m hoping you never have to read this and I get to spend the rest of my life with you, but I have a deep, dark feeling that you will be reading this letter and I will be gone.

  Death scares me something fierce, my sister. You won’t be going with me and that’s the worst thing to even be scared of. I know we haven’t always done everything together but you’ve been by my side and I’ve been by yours. This though, I can’t be with you and it hurts even though I know it’s wrong.

  That seems to be the thing with me though. I’m scared to do anything unless you’re there with me. But really, I should be more concerned with how you’re going to take this letter. I have a lot to say to you. I have a lot of things that need to be addressed and maybe one day you might forgive me. What am I saying? I know you will. You always say that it’s me with all the goodness and you with all the darkness. That’s actually not true at all. You hold all the light and I hold all the dark. Everything that’s happened to you, it was dark. It brought you untold amounts of pain I wished I could take from you. Instead of it making you a horrible person, it made you an angel.

  I think it all started with the day we were born. Mom told me once that I came out first and they couldn’t get me to breathe. They held me for five minutes without me taking a breath and they were about to announce me stillborn when Mom started pushing you out. She said the second you came into the world we both started screaming and we wouldn’t shut up until we were touching. That sounds about right too. I’ve needed you for so many things, including my first breath.

  I know I hurt you, irrevocably when I left you at that party and Gran died because she had to come and get you. I hurt myself too. I never thought in a million years that that would happen. But that doesn’t matter, does it? Our choices can cause people untold amounts of pain. I want to say that if I could go back, we would never have gone to that party. We would have stayed home and Gran would still be alive and Pops wouldn’t have that look in his eyes. That look we pretend we don’t see. I know he misses the love of his life though, thankfully, he still has you. You make him better inside. I want you to know, not once has he ever blamed you. Not once did he ever say you were at fault. Not like Mom does. And I know it was my fault. I know I’m responsible because I wanted to lose my virginity to Parker Saints in the back of my car.

  I saw what losing her did to you. I saw all the pain and self-loathing you had. I watched you, even when you didn’t know I was. I was so scared you were going to kill yourself or run away. I should have put myself under the bus and told Mom what I did. I should have stopped her from attacking you for the past couple of years.

  I was scared, Farah. I was a coward. I’m still a coward.

  You can let her read this letter. I want you to. I’m gone now, so I guess I don’t care if she thinks differently of me. You let her read it, please. I have a lot of confessions I need to get off my chest. I did horrible things to you and all you ever did was love me.

  That’s what I mean when I say you are light and I’m dark. You never once did anything to hurt me. I did everything I could to hurt you. I was a selfish girl. I had my fair share of problems and I let them affect you when your problems never touched me.

  I can see you in my head, reading this letter and shaking your head. I want you to stop that. I want you to really understand what I’m about to tell you. Well, in a bit, I still have something else to apologize for before I get to the big stuff.

  I’m sorry that I ran into the bathroom when David was hitting you. I was a coward. I have always been a coward. You stepped up and you came to save me while I sat in the bathroom almost too scared to even dial 911. I heard you screaming and I couldn’t even move to save you. I let him hurt you because it wasn’t me getting hurt. I wasn’t the one in pain. I’m a horrible person and I deserve everything that happened to me. I think I deserve to die because I’m not worthy of either of you. I never have been.

  Tate and I are of the same cloth. We hurt and hurt those we love. We take and take, never giving an inch because we have this urge to be bad. To be evil. I have this face I wear for the world and things I do to keep up an image I shouldn’t even be holding. I’m a coward. I’m a liar. I’m a cheater. I have coveted things you had because you had them. Sometimes I would get so scared you would leave me and I wouldn’t have someone to lean on, so I took the good things out of your life.

  What happened with Gran was an accident. That, I didn’t plan. Everything else…was planned.

  I’m going to start off saying this. Never ever go back to Tate. NEVER FARAH NEVER. I mean that. He never deserved you. I know what drew the two of you together and it was probably a good thing in the beginning. Now though, he’s a virus and all he’s ever going to do is bring you down.

  I’m taking a deep breath now. I’m letting it out slowly.

  Now I’m confessing. I only hope you don’t lose your mind.

  1.

  2.

  3.

  Max has always been in love with you. The way I hear it, it started at the beginning, when you didn’t acknowledge his pickup line. “You like what you see?” His heart probably raced and his palms got sweaty. He probably had stars in his eyes too.

  Tate told me that. Tate told me a lot of things. Things I didn’t want to hear and things he shouldn
’t have been sharing with anyone. We also lied. He came on to me that night five years ago. He took me back to his room, knowing very well that I was me.

  I’m not innocent in that either. I wanted to go back to his room. I wanted to be with him. You had both of these men and I had none. That makes me a slut and a bitch. It makes me gutter scum. I don’t think you’ve ever realized I had self-esteem issues. I never told you. I never told anyone. You have always been the prettier one. I think when we were younger I took that to heart. I think it blackened my soul too. It made me ugly on the inside. I’m not proud of everything I’ve done, but I think I know why.

  I know you’re thinking that too. Why would I do that to you? Why did I do that to you? Because I was jealous and I hated myself. It’s not your fault, it’s mine.

  So I slept with Tate and Max in the same night. I didn’t take advantage of him like he said I did. It was mutual. Tate is just as self-destructive as I am. He didn’t expect you to find out though, and that freaked him out. I was under the impression he didn’t think you were all that intelligent when, in fact, you have more smarts than the rest of us.

  Tate and I played you. Tate and I played Max.

  We messed with lives we had no business messing with.

  I went along with Tate because I knew you would break up with him. I knew you would back away from me. I knew I would hurt even more than I already did. Because doing that to you, it hurt me too. I took a look at my life then and I realized I was not someone I wanted to be.

  So I changed.

  But before I talk about that, I want to talk about Max.

  Max, Max, Max. My husband. The father of my child. The father of the child growing in my stomach. I’ve been with him for five years and all that time he’s wanted you.

  You should know that. It breaks my heart to tell you. I don’t want you to think he doesn’t love me either, because he does. You though, if you ever gave him the time of day, he’d be rolling on the moon. My sweet boy has it bad, even though he’d never admit it to me.

  That’s Tate’s problem if you hadn’t figured that out yet and, knowing you, you did. Max is Tate’s Farah. Though their relationship differs than ours. I really do love you, even though I have a crappy way of showing it. I think Tate hates Max, or at least he used to. When Max married me and we had Blake, Tate must have been so happy. He may not have gotten you, but neither did Max.

  Funnily enough, just being married to Max was enough to me. He really loved me, just differently than he did you. You were a dream to him, something he could never have. That’s why he’s been so mean to you over the years. He’s been keeping you at arm’s length because being close to you is too much for him.

  You must be wondering how I could even know this. You know as much as I do that he would never tell me any of this. But I’ve watched him for five years. I’ve watched him watch you. When neither of you think anyone is looking. He gets this look in his eyes, like you hang the stars and the moon. He probably thinks the sun rises because of you too.

  I’m not unhappy. Why? Because someone needs to love you like that, Farah. Someone needs their whole existence to be for you and Max is that guy. Not Tate. Never Tate. You can shake your head and call me crazy all you want but I want you to give Max a chance.

  People will talk. People will stare. Why do you care, babe? You’ve had people in this town staring at you since you dyed your hair that amazing fuchsia color that brought out the light blue in your eyes. You’ve never been like them and you could care less. Mom will rage, of course, but that’s why you’re going to let her read this letter. You’re also going to sit down and talk to her. The two of you need to put your crap behind you. I’m not saying that it’s your fault, but you do have the potential to fix the rift between you.

  Even after all these years.

  Pops won’t care either. You know all he wants is your happiness and I think that happiness will come with Max. You don’t have to marry him or anything. But you do need to talk to him. Unrequited love is killer, Farah. Please don’t let my husband suffer for the rest of his life.

  Tate though, he needs to suffer like no one’s business. You should know he was back with Beth long before he left to go live with her.

  Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

  Another confession. I knew about Beth from the beginning. No, they weren’t together when you two first started. He was with her when you were with him all last year. She lives in Ohio now. Something about her Mom being sick and, of course, she took their daughter with her.

  Max thought he was going to take you with him. He beat the ever-loving crap out of Tate, if you must know. That was the night he left but, thankfully, Tate never planned to take you with him. Max wouldn’t have been able to handle it, Tate taking you away and making you live with that. You wouldn’t have reacted nicely and Tate would probably be dead. He still might die at your hands. I can’t even express the kind of carnage he’s brought into your life. He’s held you back from truly living. I don’t even understand it myself, the hold he has on you.

  That’s what this letter is all about. I want you to open your eyes. You thought he left because he got another job or he didn’t love you. Neither is true. I’m sure he got a job up there but he left because he wanted her. Though I know he loves you. I know he wants you. I know he’d move heaven and hell to be with you.

  But he’d only leave again. That’s what Tate does, Farah. He leaves.

  I feel sorry for his daughter.

  I feel sorry for you and Beth.

  I feel sorry for Max and Tate’s parents.

  He’s a bad person and he deserves to pay.

  Max didn’t tell you any of that because he wanted to spare you. He wanted you to break away from Tate easily, not messily. And if you had known he was going back to Beth, you would have lost it. It would have been World War III around here.

  Max only wants your happiness, whether it is with him or not. He nearly lost his mind when you got back with Tate. I remember finding him in the basement, drunk off his ass. He didn’t remember though and I’m thankful for that.

  When he was drunk that night he told me things. Things I never let on that I already knew. He never came out and told me he loves you. But I’m married to him, I know things. It would be hard to hide it from me. I never got mad either because you deserve to be loved. Even if you didn’t know it was there.

  Get even, Farah. Make Tate hurt. Make him pay. Make him scream out in pain, just the way you do on the inside, which you always tried to hide from me. Please, my fairest Farah. Get even and find happiness with Max. That’s all I ask of you when I’m gone.

  Even if I don’t die, I think I’ll still show you this letter. I still think I’ll let you have the chance for true love because you deserve it more than me. Max deserves it too. I’ve grown so much in the past years; I’ve learned not everything is black and white. There are shades in between. They color our lives in vivid colors and vibrant darkness. We are neither good nor bad and we can change. I got with Max in the beginning to keep him away from you because I was stupid and vindictive then. I was an idiot. I should have gotten out of the way, but I fell in love with him.

  I did, whether you believe me or not. His deep brown eyes that see things I wish I could. His messy brown hair he’s always running his fingers through around you because you make him uncomfortable. His lips that have kissed away my tears over all the crap I’ve done. His body I’ve clung to every night because I’m scared to lose him even though I know it’s best. And his heart, which is big enough to love both of us in different ways, yet the same.

  I love you too, my dear sweet baby sister. I love you more than I love myself and it took me all my life to realize that. I love you enough to give my blessing for you to be with my husband after I’m gone because it’s the right thing.

  Most of all I love you because you love me without reason. Even when I was horrible to you. Even those times I screwed up your life. And even when I saw how broken I’v
e made you.

  Please be at peace. I’ll always be with you.

  Sarah

  I feel the most amount of shock over the things she said about Tate.

  I don’t know how much more I can take when it comes to him. How long have I been in love with him only to be shown my love means nothing?

  And what’s the shit about Max being in love with me? That just screams insanity. I can’t believe for a second that she would be okay with me being with her husband. Not to mention I’m not even into him like that. Maybe when we first met but soon after that, I wrote him off because I didn’t want a player. Or a cocky son of a bitch because that’s Max.

  You can see it in the swagger he walks with. You can see it in the way he carries himself around other people. You can definitely find it when he opens his mouth. I’ve spent the last five years wishing he didn’t exist and that’s because he came with Tate.

  My head starts to hurt so I set the box on the floor and lay down on my bed, taking my brain back in time. I search through my memories of Max, thinking I’ll never find anything.

  Then….

  A burning in my stomach starts as I start to put the pieces together. I start to see something I never realized before.

  All the times I found him staring at me while I hung out with my sister. All the times I found his beautiful brown eyes on me when I worked at the Roadhouse. I also see him pushing his hand through his hair a lot and Sarah always said it was a habit when he was uncomfortable. Every time I touched him either with purpose or on accident; he would stiffen up or flinch. I thought he hated me…what the fuck?

  Okay, I’m not real sure if I’m seeing things this way because of Sarah’s letter or because I’m really seeing something.

  Then I see the other things. Like the look he would get whenever I held Blake or did anything with Blake. Those eyes are so expressive. I can see the…love shining in them, even now when I look back at my memories.