by Amanda Heath
She frowns at me and I see it working behind her head. How mean she was to us, how she pushed us when she didn’t need to. We are a creation she failed at, in her eyes anyway. I think I turned out pretty damn good if I do say so myself. “I tried to make you better. I did what any mother would do.”
I just shake my head. “No mother should hit her child like you do. No mother should talk to her children the way you do. You’re just an evil bitch and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.” I laugh then, taking in the blank look on my Dad’s face. “Hell, you’ve driven Dad so crazy there’s nothing left inside of him. He’s an empty shell. He doesn’t make his own decisions, he doesn’t feel anything either and you have yourself to blame for that. Life handed you a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters and you wasted it. So for once in your life quit blaming me and blame yourself.”
Max wraps his arms around my waist and I lean back against him. It’s wonderful to have someone to hold me up. I see the differences between my parents and us. My dad is just there to be a punching bag for my mom. Max is here to keep me standing and let me handle things the way I need to handle them. Tate would have run in the other direction the second my mother started in on her shit. In fact, I’m pretty sure he did at some point.
“You two are disgusting. You know what everyone is going to be saying about you? Fucking your sister’s husband, taking her place because you weren’t ever good enough to be like her,” my mother spits out.
“Mom, it’s over. Just get the fuck out. No one wants you here and everything you’re saying is going in one ear and out the other.” I smile because this feels good. I should have stood up to her a long ass time ago. “You. Don’t. Fucking. Matter.”
In fact, she never did. I was young and I didn’t know moms weren’t supposed to treat their kids like that. I thought it was me, I thought I was the cause to all her problems and that’s why she treated me like that. In fact though, it was all her. The problems are hers and she chose to take them out on her family.
I turn in Max’s arms, blocking out the beast that is my mom. “Let’s go have our way with those plans,” I say, standing on my tiptoes to reach his mouth. I kiss him softly and when I lean back, he looks at me seriously.
“Are you okay though?” He lifts one arm to run a finger down my cheek.
I nod. “Like I said. She doesn’t matter.”
Thirteen
Farah
I wait in Max’s room while he puts Blake to bed. It feels weird to be in here. Sarah’s clothes are still in her closet. The door is open and I can’t seem to take my eyes off of them. Her shoes line the bottom of the closet and I know I could walk in there and take over her life.
The thought jars me so much I shoot off the bed. I’m not Sarah and I will never be Sarah. I start to feel sick to my stomach as I leave the room. I make my way down the hall past Blake’s room where Max is reading him a story. They don’t notice me, thankfully, as I don’t want Max to know I’m leaving.
I’m freaking the hell out. It was okay when I got here, you know? It was just Max and I and we had sex in my old room, no traces of Sarah anywhere. But he asked me to wait for him in his room and then it kind of just hit me in the face.
I slept with my sister’s husband.
I run out the front door and lose the little dinner I had before coming over here. My entire body breaks out into a cold sweat and I stumble around to find my car. I throw open the driver’s side door and look around for my pack of cigarettes. I haven’t smoked in almost ten months but with Tate walking into my life today, I had to buy a pack. My hands tremble as I pull the smoke out and light it up. I take a huge drag, pulling the smoke deep into my lungs and holding it. Then I slowly let it out. I start to feel calmer and that makes me almost angry considering I had to smoke a cigarette to do it.
Max walks out the back door and walks down to the end of his car, which is parked in front of mine. He leans against the back of the small SUV and crosses his arms over his chest.
His brown hair is all over the place and I hate that I love that. I hate that he makes me feel this way. I feel so fucking crazy, which I haven’t felt since I put my feelings for him behind me. The past ten months have been peaceful and quiet and then Tatum Spears had to walk right into my salon and ruin my life, yet again. Max’s chocolate eyes narrow at me and his lips sink down into a grim line. He put on a Disturbed shirt earlier, mixed with a pair of skinny jeans because whether he admits it or not, he’s a fucking hipster.
“You going to run away from me now?” he asks softly, never taking those eyes away from me. They sink inside of me; looking for the things I don’t want him to see. The ugly parts of me that no one should ever see. We don’t belong together, no matter how much we love each other. It’s weird and gross and all those other words I’ve been repeating in my head.
I nod because I don’t think I can open my mouth right now and speak. If Sarah walks out right now and comes to glare at me, I’m going straight to the mental ward. I meant it when I said I haven’t seen her since that day Pops and I dug up the money. I took that to mean I wasn’t on the verge of having a complete mental breakdown anymore. Unless the whole experience was a mental breakdown and I just got over it on my own.
Honestly, I think it was the fact I finally got over my shit with Tate and buried my feelings for Max so deep I thought I would never feel them again. Then I walked into his house earlier today and there it was. This love I didn’t know I had, this feeling like I was flying and soaring and simply free.
Max sighs and runs a hand down his face. “Farah…God, I don’t even know what to say to you right now. It’s all in my head but the words won’t make sense if they come out of my mouth.”
That makes sense to me. That’s how I feel right now. Like if I spilled my guts out right now, it would be all mixed together wrong. I don’t tell him that though. He wants me to stay, he wants me to talk to him but I don’t know if I can.
“When you walked into the house earlier, I thought I’d finally died and gone to heaven,” he whispers and I turn my head so fast to look at him my neck hurts. “I thought I’d never see the day you’d walk back into my life without me having to beg. I know you needed to be away from me, I understood that. It was all too much after Sarah and Tate.” His eyes stare into mine and I know I couldn’t move away if I tried. “That’s all over though, Farah. She’s gone and he’s gone. I’m so alone without any of you. Did you ever think of that? Did you ever think that I might need someone to help me cope?”
I hear what he’s saying but I also know what I was put through by all three of them. It hits me in the face right then and there. I’ve never forgiven Max for his part in all of the lies and half-truths.
It’s fucked up to think it, let alone say it out loud, but I got back at Tate…and Sarah. I got back at her today when I fucked her husband. I suck a drag into my mouth and hold it until my lungs feel like they might burst. I did that today because I wanted to, not because of Sarah. I know that but I still can’t take away this feeling like I got even with her. She slept with my boyfriend all those years ago and now I screwed her husband, or did he screw me? Does it even matter?
“You know, what no one seems to understand is that I was the one who was lied to. I was the one no one thought should know all the truths and deserved honesty.” I look away from him and take another hit off my smoke. “I’m not saying I’m upset today happened, but I realized that I’m not one hundred percent better. I’m still a little crazy in my head, Max. I have these thoughts I shouldn’t have and feelings I don’t want to have.”
Max’s face morphs into anger. “What the fuck are you saying?”
I roll my eyes. “I’m saying I haven’t forgiven you. You lied, just like they did. And you’ve yet to own up to it, Max. You played right along with them in this game I didn’t even know was being played. That fucked me up just as much as losing my sister.”
Then his face falls because he knows exactly what I mean. “
I did that for you, Farah. I didn’t do that to hurt you, only to keep you from hurting.”
A tear falls from my eye and lands on my half-smoked cigarette. “That’s the point, Max. You can’t just keep things from me because they are going to hurt me. That’s wrong. I may not want to get hurt, but this hurts more than learning the truth would have been. It’s wrong what you and Sarah did. Not to mention fucking Tate.”
He pushes away from the car and strides towards me. His hand takes my cigarette and throws it behind him. I scowl at him because I wasn’t done with it. Then he cups my face and forces me to look at him, whether I want to or not. “Jesus, girl. How was I supposed to tell you? What, when I heard them fucking the first time you and Tate were together?” I flinch at that. Even he knew. “Yeah, I should have told you he was still married to Beth, that I should have done and I’m sorry I didn’t. But I wasn’t going to tell you he was leaving because there was a chance that you would leave. You could have gone away and then I wouldn’t get to see you at all. That was hurting you and saving me pain. Yeah, I’m a fucking bastard for it but you don’t understand what it was like.”
“Explain it to me then. Explain to me how selfish you are. Because that’s all I hear. You being selfish.”
Max growls and his hands tighten around my face. “Yeah, I’m fucking selfish. I needed you to breathe. I know you don’t understand that and maybe you never will. I loved Sarah with everything I had but you were there too. I couldn’t live without either of you. When she died, I thought it was the end for me too. I thought I would just lie down and die, but then I realized I still had you. As long as I still had you, then maybe everything would be okay.”
“I wouldn’t have left, Max. Did you or Sarah ever stop to think about that?” I look deep into those eyes and I try to plead with him to see. “She was pregnant and the doctors had already said she was high risk. I wasn’t going to go with Tate even if he asked me. You both thought you knew everything but you didn’t.”
He blinks a few times and then drops his hands from my face. “What do you want me to say? I’m fucking sorry I didn’t tell you. You deserved to know but I also wasn’t in the best frame of mind. My wife was scared, I was scared and I didn’t want you to leave either of us. I thought I would save us all some trouble.”
I sigh, exasperated. “You don’t get it, Max. It’s not about you or me. It’s about the shit I went through, it could have all been prevented. You didn’t tell me because you were in love with me and you knew Tate leaving would be the end of us. You knew I would never forgive him for it. That’s why you didn’t tell me and that’s almost as bad as what he did.”
He opens his mouth and then closes it. “That’s not it at all.”
I shake my head at him. “Yes, it is. You know it is and I know it is. You aren’t fooling me and you definitely didn’t fool your wife.” I turn around and open the driver’s side door of my car.
Max reaches over and touches my wrist. I like that he doesn’t grab me, doesn’t demand I talk to him. He asks gently and without force. My face turns and I look up into his remorseful eyes. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“Sarah knew, Max. She knew you loved me. She wrote me a letter. She wrote you one too and I was so mad for so long I didn’t think to even give it to you. She has a bunch for Blake as well.”
He drops his hand and backs away from the car. “So I’m not the only one keeping secrets.”
I huff out a breath and glare at him. “Yeah, I guess I’m guilty myself, imagine that. You hang around a bunch of selfish assholes you can’t help but turn into one.”
Then I get into my car and drive away. I no longer have the energy to pretend I’m angry with him. I no longer have the faith that I will one day be able to love him without flinching.
I just can’t be with my sister’s husband. I can’t be with him and have to see Sarah everywhere. I’d die slowly from the sickness of it. I would be taking her place, not starting a new life.
Max
Tate walks in my front door and I glare at him. “What the fuck did you tell Farah?”
Tate shrugs and sits down on the recliner across from me. “I lied. It’s what I do best, little brother.”
I narrow my eyes at him and cross my arms over my chest in a defensive posture. “What the fuck did you lie about?”
He laughs at my expression and leans forward with his arms hanging off his legs. “I told her you weren’t going to work and you weren’t taking care of Blake.”
I sigh, not surprised at all by his lies. “You wanted her to come over here. You wanted us to talk.”
He nods and laughs. “It worked didn’t it? She wasn’t going to come around until she thought you weren’t dealing real well. Heaven forbid you do something like she did.”
It’s my turn to laugh. “You still fucked up about that? I still think it’s fucking hilarious.”
“You would.”
We are quiet for a moment and I kind of just stare at him. “She ran away from me. I have a feeling it’s never going to work out between us.”
“You have to get out of this house, little brother. Sarah is everywhere in here. She’d never be comfortable living here, where Sarah decorated everything. Where she lived her life with you. I bet her stuff is still in your closet,” Tate tells me, looking at me determinedly. Somehow, I think he wants Farah and I together more than I do.
And boy do I want it. I had this thought in my head that sex with her would be weird, considering how much she looks like Sarah. Turns out it wasn’t weird at all. It was fucking amazing and I still get tingles thinking about it. I wonder if that makes me sound like a chick.
Anyway, I’ve always known Farah is her own person. I’ve always known she was nothing like Sarah. But their faces, they are the same. It’s almost hard to overlook when I think about it but, not once, while I was inside of Farah did I think she was Sarah. Not once. It was beautiful, life changing, and special. I honestly thought I felt our souls connect or whatever bullshit girls say.
“I’ve been wanting to get out of this house,” I admit out loud for the first time. I’ve been thinking about it for months. Sarah is everywhere in this house. That’s why Farah and I ended up in her old room. There wasn’t a trace of Sarah there. “She’s everywhere here. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in her presence. Sometimes I feel like she might walk down the stairs and I’ll look with a smile, only to realize she isn’t here anymore.”
Tate’s eyes get sad and I find that almost funny. “It’s not healthy. You have to move or it’s never going to go away.”
I think about Farah and how she was in Sarah’s and my room earlier. She must have freaked out in there. I thought we were past old lies and half-truths. I thought she’d forgiven me for keeping the truth from her. I wonder if she just pulled that out of her ass because she couldn’t handle being with me. I mean, if she can forgive the idiot in front of me, then I should be a no brainer.
I nod slowly, looking down at the floor. “I’ve been looking into finding a new place. Especially tonight.”
“So, what happened anyway?”
“She came over here, I guess to check on me after you lied to her yet again, and we had…sex,” I admit, even though every word is pulled from me. It’s incredibly strange to talk about Farah with him. “Then her bitch mom showed up to drop off Blake. They got into it and Farah handed Nancy her ass. Then she and I got into it. She said she couldn’t forgive me for lying to her last year, because of you.”
He shakes his head and laughs. “Running scared. She tried to do that with me a few times before it was all said and done.”
“I’m kind of thinking it had to do with Sarah. She was waiting in my room while I put Blake to bed and then she just tripped the fuck out.”
Tate raises his hand to rub over his jaw in a thoughtful pose. “It probably did. Knowing that little fireball, she thought she was replacing Sarah or something. She just can’t seem to see you loved her first. Sarah came after. M
aybe you should tie her to a chair and explain this all to her.”
I snort out my laughter. “No, I’m not tying her to a chair. I think this family has had enough of that to last a lifetime. Honestly though, I don’t think it matters. I loved Sarah enough to marry her, that means something to Farah.”
“I’m just going to say it’s strange we’re even talking about this right now. We’ve hidden behind our lies for so long…it feels refreshing to get it out there though,” Tate says, eyeing me like I might start crying or something.
I laugh at him. “You’ve always known. That’s why you went after her in the first place. You made it hard to love you, brother. You made it so hard.”
“I know. I know Maxwell and I’m sorry for it. That’s why I’m here now, to help you instead of hinder you.”
I nod and pull my arms up to cross them behind my head. “I think I have an idea. I think it might work out for everyone.”
Tate raises his eyebrows when I tell him my idea and then he slowly starts to smile. “I think you both could live with that. I think she could definitely live with that.”
Tate and I talk for a while more. For once, our conversation isn’t stilted or strained. It’s free flowing and I find I like it a whole lot. It’s been over a decade since I haven’t hated my brother just as much as I loved him. I’m glad to see him finally getting his life together and making it right where he screwed up.
