by Amanda Heath
I get confused and open my mouth to ask what, but he beats me to it. “You’re in love with him too. You just couldn’t see it. I was in the way; Sarah was in the way. Plus, with your issues, especially back then, you’d run as far as you could from a healthy relationship. And that’s what he was to you. Someone who would be healthy for you.”
I feel my face go blank, as well as my mind. I don’t even know what to say to that. How the fuck could I have been in love with Max all this time and not realized it? I hardly know him.
“I’m not trying to be difficult but you really have no idea what you’re talking about,” I snap at him, finally deciding to just cross my arms over my chest.
Tate shakes his head at me and smiles. “It’s the way you’re hardwired, Farah. You have so much love to give and you give it out without even realizing. Plus, you’re really bad about giving it out to those who don’t deserve it. You misplace it as well.”
My brows furrow while I stare up at him. “So you’re saying that I should never have loved you? And that Max and I have always been in love with each other?”
T ate nods and uncrosses his arms. His hands land on my shoulders. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
I push his hands off of me. “You’re stupid.”
***
I knock on the front door of Max’s house. My hair is plastered to my face and my clothes are soaked. The one thing I hate about Arkansas is it turns into the rain forest when spring hits. It gets seriously disgusting around here every year at this time. I thought I had a good shot of making it here before it rained but, of course, I wasn’t that lucky. Now I look like a drowned rat.
I knock again two minutes later when Max doesn’t answer. My entire body screams for me to leave, to let him deal with this on his own. Even my brain is telling me to run as fast as I can in the other direction. My heart though, the stupid bastard, is saying stay. It’s saying help him because it knows he would help me.
I open the door after two more minutes because obviously he isn’t going to answer. When I walk inside I find I can’t breathe all that well. Why do you ask? Because Max is sitting at the bottom of the stairs without a shirt on. His eyes are bloodshot and his hair is sticking up in all different directions.
It’s the first time in almost six years that I think of him as sexy. So fucking sexy. He’s not one of those guys who are all muscles with washboard abs and that V thing. His arms are built and his stomach is flat but he’s not overdone. I like it and I realize I always have.
The way he’s staring at me though, it’s freaking me out. I feel like I’m about to be dinner and it makes me want to run, more than I already did. My palms get sweaty and I resist the urge to wipe them on my jeans. Not that it would help, since I’m dripping all over the beige carpet. Sarah would kick my ass if she were here right now.
I’m so fucking nervous and he’s making me that way. He’s just staring at me and not saying anything. I’m not real sure how to handle this. What the fuck am I even supposed to say to him?
“Tate thinks I’m in love with you,” I blurt out because I seriously just need to talk to someone about it. I’ve made some friends in the past ten months since my sister passed away. I go out and see Ally, Dalton’s wife, quite a bit. She’s pretty awesome. We have the same taste in music and she curses just as much as I do. Plus, she doesn’t push me to talk about things. My life before Sarah died is in the past and I never really want to bring it up. So she doesn’t know all the fucked up shit that went on before ten months ago.
Max doesn’t reply to my statement, he just gets up from the stairs and stalks towards me. He stops inches from my body and I’m instantly sweltering, even though the air conditioner is on and my clothes are soaked. He lifts both his hands and brings them up to my hair. His fingers tangle with the wet locks and I can’t do anything but stare into his warm brown eyes. It’s like falling into a big bowl of melted chocolate.
“Max…” I whisper, because I feel it. You know what I’m talking about? It’s like that time I went to this huge man-made lake. There was this huge rock cliff right over the water and people were jumping off. I feel like I’m right there, scared to death to jump, but know I’m going to because I know it’s going to be hella fun.
“I’m going to kiss you Farah. Then I’m going to fuck you. After that, we’re going to talk about what Tate said.” Then his lips slam into mine. Explosions go off in several areas of my body. My head no longer wants to run; neither do my feet. My lips no longer want to make excuses as to why I shouldn’t be here. No, they go willingly into kissing him back.
Was it wrong?
Probably.
Did I care?
Nope.
I kissed him back and climbed him like a tree. My arms go around his neck while his hands leave my hair to go straight to my ass. His tongue enters my mouth and I tangle mine with his. He isn’t Tate and that is the best thing ever.
“I’m guessing that’s okay with you?” he whispers around my lips before biting my bottom one.
I moan and wrap my legs around his torso even tighter. “Uh huh.”
My heart is on fire and I’ve never thought so clearly in my life. It’s like I was always meant to be in his arms, it felt so fucking right. How could feeling like this ever be wrong?
I kiss his neck and collarbone while he walks up the stairs. I don’t see which room he walks into but I realize it’s mine when he drops me on the bed. The walls are fixed, hell, everything is fixed and it’s like I never went psycho on the place.
Max’s hands pull me up so he can take off my shirt and then my bra. I let him, keeping a close eye on his face. His jaw is clenched and his shoulders are tense. I wonder if he really wants to be doing this but then I get a look at his eyes.
No one, and I mean that, no one has ever looked at me like this.
Like I’m beautiful.
Like I hold all the answers to every problem he ever had.
Once my breasts are free he goes after my jeans. He has trouble pulling them down since they’re stuck to my skin. They make a wet slapping sound once they hit the ground. He pulls down his pants, which are nylon workout pants, and then he’s climbing on top of me.
My heart is going so fast I feel like it might explode right out of my chest. My thoughts are only on Max. I like the way his golden skin feels against mine. I like the way his fingers trace along my body like I’m a treasure he wants to cherish. I like the way his lips suck gently at my skin around my neck.
I seriously love the way his dick pokes my thigh. I wrap my legs around his hips and then it’s pressed right against my core. He groans and raises his head to look at me. I’m staring into his eyes so I don’t realize what he’s doing until way after my underwear is shoved to the side and his dick is pushing inside of me.
I’ve been wet and ready since the moment he kissed me.
I bite my lip at the fullness he brings to my sex and I start moving my hips against him. He goes slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. My lips part and I’m letting out tiny gasps because I’m unable to make any other noises.
You can feel it in the air, the tension between us. It coats us in lust and passion. We are truly one right now, closer to each other than we’ve ever been to anyone else.
My nipples are so hard and it feels amazing the way his chest comes down on his inward thrust and scrapes against them. His hips grind into my clit and I know it’s only moments before I’m going to come. Tingles are making my body electric and I feel like I might be able to light the whole city.
My hands hang around his neck and I feel the goose flesh covering his skin. Sweat beads along his forehead and it mixes with mine when he leans his forehead down to me. “You got to come, Farah. Please,” he whispers with strain.
“You have to come with me,” I whisper back. Butterflies are having a raging party in my stomach and I wonder, not for the first time, how I’ve never felt like this before.
His lips touch mine in a searing kiss and
he whispers, “I love you,” around them. I shoot off like a light then. It really does feel like my body explodes with all the pleasure I can’t seem to contain inside of myself. I’m repeating his name over and over again while lights dance behind my closed eyelids.
My clit pulses and my slick channel milks every last drop from Max. I’ve never come so hard in my life. I still feel it, even after Max has pulled out of my body and collapsed on top of me.
“Farah?” Max asks like ten minutes later when I still haven’t moved a muscle or spoken.
My head, though, is running a mile a minute. I’m starting to piece it all together inside my head. The reasons I’ve kept myself in the dark all these years. Like the way his smile has always made me happy, or the fact I knew his favorite color is blue before Sarah did. I remember the way my skin would always tingle for hours after he touched me, even if it was only for a second. Even on my darkest days after Tate left, Max’s smile would always bring me joy. I could hear his laughter all through this house and it gave me peace.
I know the jagged scar on his back is from when Tate pushed him down when they were little and he landed on a rusted metal flowerbed. I know his favorite DD song is the same as mine. I know it’s his favorite because the lyrics speak of being lonely and having the world against you. It’s the same reason it’s my favorite song. I know he felt that way because his parents were always fixing Tate’s problems while Max got less attention.
I know he sings in the shower and he sounds like shit. I know his first celebrity crush was Emma Watson because Sarah refused to watch the Harry Potter movies with him and I would. I know he lost his virginity while listening to one of DD’s more famous songs and it was the same one I lost mine to.
I know he has always wanted to work on cars and such because it makes him feel at peace. He also loves history more than the average person and that’s why he took the job at Red River. He works on army vehicles over there and sometimes they get really old ones to repair. That’s why he would never leave his job there; his two greatest passions are mixed together.
I also know that Sarah wasn’t his first love like he used to say.
No, I’m his first love.
I roll towards him and nuzzle my nose into his throat. That dark chocolate smell fills my nose and I grin against his skin. “I love you too,” I murmur.
His hand fists into my hair and pulls me gently back. Our eyes meet and everything snaps into place. I was always meant to be here. I was always meant to love him. “You mean that, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” I whisper, curling into him. “Can we sleep now?”
“Yeah, baby, yeah.”
***
“What the hell is going on in here?” a female voice screams and I blink open my eyes.
I look down at the bed and while it’s nice to get a good look at Max’s naked body, the sight of my mother in the doorway causes me to sit up straight. “What the fuck, mom?” I scream right back at her.
Max jumps off the bed and moves to slam the door in my mother’s face. That brings a smile and snort from me. “How the hell did she even get in here?” I ask.
Max yawns, while climbing back on the bed. He gets right in my face and I completely forget about the angry woman standing on the other side of the door. “She has a key, in case she needed anything for Blake,” he tells me before he kisses the breath right out of my lungs.
I feel his hardness start to poke at me and I groan. “I’m not having sex with you while my mother stands right outside the door,” I state, pushing him away a bit.
“Fuck her. She’s a crazy bitch who has no respect for anyone’s personal space.” He goes to kiss me again and I giggle while I dodge him. I get out from underneath him and head over to the closet. I didn’t leave many clothes and the ones I did leave, I never wear anyway.
“Shit,” I mutter, flipping through the clothes on the hangers. Max’s arms come around my waist and I sigh. I’ll have to get used to that. “What’s with the touchy feely stuff?”
He kisses my neck while I relax against him. “I feel like if I’m not touching you, then you might disappear. It’s still really hard to believe that this is real.”
I raise one side of my mouth and turn around in his arms. “I’m real, Max. I promise. And unless you tell me otherwise, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good. I have plans for you. And we have a ton of shit to talk about,” he murmurs, lowering his head to kiss me. Our tongues tangle right about the time my mother starts banging on the door. “And we have to deal with her.”
“Fun.” I roll my eyes and turn around to pick out the least ugly dress in the closet. Sarah used to buy them for me, knowing I would never wear them anywhere. I don’t like skirts and dresses because I don’t like the feeling of only my underwear covering my goods. I decide on a dark blue one with cap sleeves and a blowy skirt. Hey, it’s the only one that isn’t floral or pink.
I put the dress on over my head and I turn around to see Max with his pants back on. My mother still bangs on the door, yelling at us to come out right now. She seriously needs to take a chill pill.
Max grabs my hand and opens the door to my old bedroom. Mom stands there with her hands on her hips. “I want to know what the hell you think you’re doing Farah!”
My eyes widen and my fingers tighten in Max’s. “What the fuck are you doing? This is Max’s house, you can’t just barge in here and demand answers for stuff that isn’t any of your business.”
Her eyes narrow at me. She’s wearing a pencil skirt and a white blouse with big hoop earrings and a gold watch. I look like a dressed up hobo, what with this dress on and my hair all over the place. “Cut the smart ass out and tell me what the hell you’re doing!”
“Nancy, I think it’s time you left,” Max says, dropping my hand to put his arm around my shoulders.
“I’m not going anywhere without my whore of a daughter,” she says to Max and then looks back at me like her calling me names is supposed to make me feel upset or something. I’m used to it. “Your sister hasn’t even been gone a year and you’ve moved in on her husband. She’s probably rolling over in her grave right now!”
I use my hands to rub at my temples. This woman knows just how to give me a headache. “Would you please stop yelling? You’re standing right in front of us, we can hear your inside voice.”
Then she slaps me. If you’re wondering where I got the violent tendencies from, it’s staring me right in the face. Her palm hits my cheek and it hurts. I see red after that. I’m a grown ass woman; I will no longer let her get away with this shit. I shove her back and she hits the wall. Then I get right up in her face. “That’s the last time you ever touch me, woman. I’m not a child anymore; I can fight back. You should probably fucking remember that.”
She looks wide-eyed at me with her hands flat against the wall. “You little bitch!” she screams before launching herself at me. I knock her hand away before she can slap me again.
“Dude, seriously, get control of yourself,” I tell her, locking my hands around her flying arms. “You can’t win this one. You really think Max is going to let you slap me around like Dad does? You’re fucking stupid.”
She screeches in outrage and that’s about the time Dad comes running up the stairs to come to her rescue. They both make me sick. Max jumps into the fight by grabbing my mom by the back of the neck and shoving her towards my father. “Get out of my house before I call the cops to come and remove you,” he growls. “You can stay the fuck away from now on too. If you think I’ll let Blake around you after seeing this, you’ve got another thing coming.”
Dad almost tips over catching mom, but he rights himself at the last moment. Mom turns back around, shoving Dad away from her. “You can’t keep my grandson from me. I’ll sue for custody and I’ll win too. I’ll tell them how you can’t take care of him by yourself and you’re always pawning him off on other people. They’ll believe me over you, you stupid lowlife.”
“Mom, dude, sto
p with the name calling. For fuck sakes, you just assaulted me in front of him, why would he want his son around someone who would do that?” I didn’t add that she wasn’t even provoked. Though we aren’t going to mention I slapped the shit out of Tate this morning but he’s a dick and he deserved it.
“No judge in his right mind would listen to you. To either of you. I’m a pillar of this community!” Her hair is all over the place from our earlier struggle and her shirt has come untucked from her skirt. She looks like she just got fucked against a wall.
I sigh and cross my arms over my chest. “Max has no police record and he’s had the same job since he graduated college. CPS has never been called and Blake is a well-adjusted child. No judge in his right mind would take a child out of his safe home, where he’s been taken care of his whole life. Especially not after his mother passed away. It would be traumatizing for him.”
“Well you seem to forget that you have a police record, Farah.” My mother says this so smugly and I can’t even see my grandparents inside of her. She is a creation of her own making, the bitch.
“My record is sealed and all that stuff happened over ten years ago. You, on the other hand, have a record that isn’t sealed. Remember that time you smacked me across the face when I was seventeen? Remember the police getting called for that and CPS took me to Pops? Yeah, that doesn’t look so good for you.”
She squints her eyes at me before coming even closer. “I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back to your childhood and beat you even more than I already did. Then maybe you wouldn’t be a fat little slut who has no future ahead of you. You’re nothing but trash and I’m ashamed to be your mother.”
She is trying to goad me into hitting her. I won’t do it though. There are lines I have drawn. I would never hit the people who brought me into this world. The only person who I even hit is Tate and I plead insanity on that one. “I’m ashamed to be your daughter. I prayed for so long to just die because I couldn’t imagine what I ever did to make you hate me so much. Yeah, Gran died because Sarah and I made a stupid decision, but you weren’t even close to Gran. And you’ve treated me like shit my whole life. You aren’t going to come in here and ruin my life again right after I’ve started putting it together for the first time in my life. Can’t you see it Mom? I was what you made me! You put those thoughts in my head, every bad thing I ever thought about myself, and it came from you. Every bad thing Sarah ever thought about herself came from you. You have no one to blame but yourself for the way I turned out.”
