Get Even

by Amanda Heath

I walk him to the door as he tells me he has a flight to catch. His arm comes around my shoulder and his hand rubs his knuckles over my head. I shove at him and since I’m way more built, he grunts and lets go. “Let me know how it all goes.”

  “I will.” Then he’s walking out to his rental car and I’ve got a soft smile on my face. And since the minute Farah left earlier, I actually feel like I might make it out of this with enough happiness to last me a lifetime.

  I’ll always love and miss Sarah, but at the end of the day, she’s gone. I can’t bring her back and I have to remember that. Now all I can do is go after the person my heart wants.

  Fourteen

  Farah

  I’m not going to lie; I was dancing to “Style” by Taylor Swift when I got the surprise of my life. I know I’m not one to listen to pop music but that song is my guilty pleasure.

  But let’s get back to the surprise.

  “Farah…” Max’s voice comes from behind me while I’m washing the dishes. Pops refuses to get a dishwasher and don’t ask me why. They save lives I’m telling you. I drop a plate into the hot water in the sink at the sound of his voice.

  It’s been a few weeks since I’ve talked to him. Thankfully, it’s been that long since I’ve seen my mother.

  I turn around, water dripping down my arms and onto the hardwood floors. It hits me like it does ever since he kissed me almost a year ago. I get the butterflies in the stomach, weak knees and a light-headed fuzzy feeling whenever I see him. I’ve never had this reaction to anyone else. I’m starting to wonder if I had this feeling every time I ever saw him. I don’t remember at this moment but if I did, I probably ignored it.

  “What are you doing here?” I whisper, my eyes wide and my heart pounding in my chest. I think about all that shit I let come out of my mouth the last time we spoke. I shouldn’t have said that stuff.

  Lies are a big deal. They destroy lives and ruin marriages. They get people killed and they hurt more than a knife to the gut. But Max’s lies weren’t the end of the world. Hell, by the time I found out about his lies, they couldn’t even hold a flame to Tate’s.

  And I’ve been doing the same thing to Max that he was doing to me. Withholding information.

  “I need to talk to you. Come into the living room.” He runs his long elegant fingers through his hair and I find myself almost drooling. His red t-shirt clings to his body in all the right places. I’ve always had a thing for guys with big shoulders and Max fits that to a T. His dark brown eyes stare at me and he has this expression, like he knows exactly what I’m thinking.

  I nod at him in answer and turn around to find the dishtowel to dry off my water-logged hands. I follow him out of the kitchen with the towel in my hands and my flip-flops slap against the hardwood in the most annoying way.

  I find Blake sitting on the couch showing Pops one of his toy cars. I swear that kid will be a mechanic just like his daddy one day. My heart hurts for a second thinking about how Sarah would have liked that. Then I notice all the boxes sitting on the front porch because someone left the front door open.

  My eyebrows lower and I look up at Max, whose eyes are trained on me. “What’s going on?” I murmur, looking between all the people in the living room.

  Pops gets the shit-eating grin on his face and I almost laugh. This can’t be good. “We’re getting some roommates, Farah. Ain’t that nice?”

  My eyes open wide and I look back at Max. “Y’all are moving in?”

  He nods. “We got sick of being in the house. It wasn’t the same without Sarah. And Dwight thought it would be a good idea for us to live here. He’s got plenty of room.”

  I glare at my grandfather and put my hands on my hips. “Didn’t you think I needed to know this, old man?”

  Pops laughs at me. Freaking laughs at me. I’m going to go find his shotgun. “Farah, if I’d told you, then you wouldn’t be here right now.”

  “Duh,” I say, turning around and moving up the stairs. “You aren’t telling me something I don’t already know.”

  I walk up the stairs calmly but my insides are going nuts. It’s going to be a trip having Max around all the time. I don’t know if I can handle it. Blake being here though, will be nice. I miss the little guy when I don’t get to see him.

  I walk into my room and turn to shut the door but Max is right there. My sex flares at the look in his eyes. He stalks me towards the bed after he shuts the door. I fall back with surprise and then he’s on top of me. “Why do you always run? It’s fucking annoying.”

  “I don’t always run,” I reply, shifting around now that I feel his hard on against my thigh. That feels amazing and I wish I could sink right into the mattress.

  “You run towards me sometimes, but other times you run away. I’m sick of it. This is going to happen. You can’t keep me away anymore. I’m sorry about hiding the truth but it was for your own good.” His hands move over my body in slow caresses, making my knees weak even though I’m not standing.

  I feel tears start to fall as I reach up to cup his face. “You know it’s more than that. You know it’s just fucking weird.”

  “It’s only weird if you make it that way.” He takes his weight on his elbows and reaches up to wrap his hands around my wrists. “I know in my heart it feels amazing when you touch me. I know my heart beats faster when I get a look at those beautiful blue eyes of yours. I know my dick gets hard even thinking about you. Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?”

  I choke back a sob as I stare into his warm brown eyes. “People will talk. People will hate us for it.”

  “They don’t matter, Farah. They don’t have a say in how I feel about you. They don’t know what’s in our hearts, honey.” He moves his hands away from my wrists and uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears on my face. “This feels so fucking right. I know that in every cell of my body. My heart, my soul, and my entire everything wants you. You can’t deny you want me either.”

  I shake my head because I can’t deny it. The world explodes when he touches me. My life feels complete with one smile from those gorgeous lips. I crave his kiss and everything it involves. “But…I don’t want to replace Sarah. That’s what it feels like sometimes. I can never be my sister.”

  He laughs and I feel myself scowl. “You could never be Sarah, no matter how hard you try. She couldn’t be you either. The only thing you two shared was the same face. And sometimes when I look at you it hurts but then you’ll probably open your mouth and cuss me out. Then it won’t hurt because she’d never do that. That’s the beauty of this. You are not your sister. And I wouldn’t love you if you were.”

  I look over at the closet just so I can have a second to think. Why am I trying to ruin this? It’s what I want. It’s what he wants. That shoebox stares me in the face and I feel myself cry even harder. “I have to tell you something.”

  “What?” he mutters on a sigh.

  I gently push him off of me and I get up off the bed. I cross over to my closet and I reach up to get the box. I bring it down and move towards him, holding the box away from me like it might burn me alive. “You need to see this.” I set the box in his lap and he looks down at it. “I found that the day I tied Tate to the chair. Sarah wrote us letters. She wrote Blake letters. I never meant to keep them from you or him. I just didn’t know how to bring it up after all this time.”

  He looks up at me with shock on his face. He takes the lid off while still looking at me. “You told me, remember? When you were going on about all that bullshit.”

  I nod my head and look down at the ground. “I’m scared of being with you. I’m scared of the things people will say. I’m scared of what Blake will think.”

  Max laughs and I quickly look up and watch as he takes a letter out of the box. “Blake will love it. He misses his Aunt Farah just as much as he misses his mom. You’ll never replace her in his eyes either. He just wants you in his life. I want you in my life.”

  He opens the letter slowly and draws it out of the envelop
e. He unfolds the paper and looks down at it. It takes him a minute or two to read it. I walk to him when he starts to choke up on his tears. His eyes get red around the rims and he lets out a sob and drops the letter to his lap. I take it from him and move him to lie back on the bed. I lay my head on his chest and he shoves his face into my hair. “Please read it, Farah. Please.”

  I take a deep breath and pick up the letter. I read it slowly, taking in Sarah’s neat cursive and I sob with Max.

  Maxy Max,

  The love I have for you, it consumes me sometimes. I wake up next to you every morning and I have all the joy in the world. But lately, I’ve been filled with pain every time I look at you. Every time I look at Blake.

  I don’t want to leave you, sweetie. I don’t want to leave our son either. And in case I really don’t make it, I have a few things I need to say to you. I hope by the end of this letter you can find peace after I’m gone, though I’m optimistic you won’t ever have to read this and Farah will find them one day and cuss me out, the bitch.

  She is right for you. My sister. She is what you’re going to need after I’m gone. There are going to be days it hurts and I know you can handle it. You’ll look at Blake and think about how much he’ll miss me. You’ll see a picture of us and it’ll stab you in the heart. Farah will be the balm to your devastated soul. She’ll hold you together. Like she’s always held me together.

  I know how you feel about her. Some days you can hide it better. Then there are those days you haven’t seen her in a while and she’ll walk through the door. You’ll get this huge smile on your face and while it breaks me heart a little, I know the man I married. I know you’d never touch her while we are together. Because you get that same look on your face every time I walk in the door. That’s how I figured it out.

  I don’t mind sharing that look with Farah. No person deserves those smiles more in the world than her. She deserves someone who will sit with her and watch all those shows I don’t like. She deserves someone who likes her music and is happy to play it.

  I love you. I love you so much and it’s hard to say these things to you. It’s hard to admit you should have Farah. I know it isn’t the easiest thing for you either. But now I’ll be up in heaven smiling down on you both. I’ll never be mad. And Blake will understand. That little guy has it all figured out.

  I want you to remember me though. On our anniversary, on Blake’s birthday and on the anniversary of my death. I know you will, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have to remind you.

  My tears are starting to scare the students so I’m going to end this on a happy note. You are the best father to our little boy. You are the best husband I could have ever asked for. And I’ll love you long after I’m gone.

  Love always,

  Sarah

  ***

  The last rays of the sunset work their way over Max and I. We lie in my bed with only the fingers of our right and left hands touching. The sun brings out Max’s tan skin and gives me a glow that is absolutely beautiful. We are quiet because there isn’t much to say right now.

  My thoughts drift off in several different directions. I was so set on never being in this place with Max. I never thought it was something I could strive for, something I could hope for. I thought the ghost of Sarah would always be in the way.

  My sister was my best friend and the most important person in my life up until the day she died. Those were very dark days considering I didn’t know how to go on without her. You spend every day with someone it’s hard to imagine life without them. Up until the day Max kissed me, I could only see darkness for me. I had no hope for the future and no hope of ever making it out alive. He sparked this hope inside of me that I could be happy. I freaked out though and I think I had good reason to. When you’ve been hurt like I have, it’s unbearable to think about getting hurt again. I see it now though, Max was just as lost and just as scared as I was.

  It’s not a good thing to fall for your dead sister’s husband. No matter if she said it would be okay in the end. It felt like a betrayal to her. But one touch of his lips and that didn’t matter. It’s been there, always, sitting under my skin. The way I felt about him. I’ve spent just as much time with him as I have Sarah in the past six years. He got into my system when I wasn’t pay attention. Maybe it was always there, just like it was for him. While he embraced it, I ignored it, pushed it away.

  Now, in the light of day, I find it’s beautiful, no matter if it’s wrong or not. He doesn’t ask anything of me other than my love. I feel it, I own it, and I live it so why shouldn’t I give it to him. We can have something special and remarkable.

  “Do you remember that time you wrecked Sarah’s car? When that guy rear ended you?” I ask him, lacing my fingers with his.

  “Yeah. I thought Sarah was going to get out and beat the shit out of that guy. Which was strange considering you were in the car too.” He chuckles then. “She got out so fast and said, ‘Are you blind? Couldn’t you see my bright red car just sitting here?’ I about thought it too.”

  Sarah looked amazing right then. Her blonde hair flying behind her in the wind and her blue eyes blazing bright with her anger. I also liked it when she showed her temper; I always saw a side of her she didn’t show very often. “I think that was the day,” I tell him, looking at our fingers woven together. His hands are so incredibly warm and I love the way he always smells like dark chocolate.

  “The day for what?” he asks as I see him turn his head towards me out of the corner of my eye.

  “The day I realized how much I care about you. You were sitting there clutching the steering wheel so hard your knuckles were white. Your chest was moving up and down so fast. I remember I wasn’t wearing my seat belt and I was sitting in the middle of the backseat. If we had been hit any harder then I probably would have gone out the windshield.” I shudder remembering the day. “I was freaking out because all I could see was Gran’s body outside of the car, and the night she died. I remember thinking that I couldn’t do that to Sarah. I couldn’t die like that.” I turn on my side and look up into his eyes, which are filled with confusion. “You pulled me out of it. I was going into a big panic attack; I could feel it. You turned around in the seat and you were calling my name. You started freaking out because I wasn’t answering and I saw it in your eyes. You were terrified for me. You cupped my cheeks and you said ‘Farah talk to me, baby. Please talk to me.’ Sarah had no idea what was going on because she was yelling at the guy that hit us.

  “I remember thinking it was crazy how you called me baby and how scared you looked. I thought you hated me and I thought I hated you. It hit me in the face then that I cared about you way more than I should. And you cared about me way more than you should. So I pushed it away, buried it deep and made myself forget it. Then I told you I was fine and to stop being an asshole.”

  Max lifts his hand to trace my cheek with his thumb. “You weren’t there. That’s what freaked me out. You weren’t in the car with me; you were very far away. You didn’t have any marks but I still thought you might have hit your head on something. Those seats were leather and pretty hard.” He laughs then and I smile. “I think up until that day I thought maybe it was all in my head and I was just taking after Tate. I was making myself think I was in love with you so I could fuck up my life. Then my heart started beating so fast and I couldn’t get you to answer me. I thought I might fall apart if you were hurt. And you finally answered me and I almost kissed you. I came so fucking close. I knew it then that I wasn’t making it up. I really was in love with you.”

  My face falls into a serene pose and I reach up to caress his face. His jaw is covered in stubble and I like the way it scratches my palm. I lean up on my elbow and I kiss his lips softly. “I think we did everything in our power to keep it away from Sarah. We tried really hard but she knew us better than anyone else. I’m sorry she had to die for us to be together, but I’m happy we can have this, after so many crappy years. I’m so happy I have someone who isn
’t going to hurt me.”

  He smiles against my lips and kisses me deeper. His tongue tangos with mine and my skin tingles where his hands drop to touch me. “So I’m guessing you aren’t going to fight me anymore?”

  “No, silly. That would be a very stupid thing to do,” I whisper around his kisses and his smile. “I know you, Max. You wouldn’t ever give up. So what would be the point?”

  “I’m glad to see you finally see it my way.” He groans when I climb on top of him and place my sex against his groin. His dick is hard but I’m not surprised in the least. Just being around him makes me lustful, so I can imagine what he goes through around me.

  Then Blake comes crashing into the room. Our lips make a smacking sound as we part and I quickly climb right back off Max. “Daddy, Pops said I could feed the chickwens! Can I? Plwease!”

  Max sits up and pulls me back into his lap. I wiggle for a second, confused, but he shifts his hips up a fraction so I assume he’s trying to hide his erection from his four-year-old son. “Yeah, buddy. If you give us just a minute, Aunt Farah and I will come and watch.”

  “Okay!” he yells and then bounces right back out of the room.

  I wrap my arms around Max’s neck and kiss his cheek. “I see he’s improved. I can’t remember the last time I heard that boy yell. Or want to go play outside.”

  Max leans his forehead against my cheek and nods. “It was that house. She was everywhere and I think it was confusing him. I was sad and unhappy all the time. He thought he was going to upset me, I guess. Then when I told him we were moving in with Pops and you, he changed overnight.”

  I get a huge smile on my face. “That makes me so happy. You should have moved in here a long ass time ago.” Then I laugh when he glares at me.

  “I had to get everything straight with the house first. I couldn’t just let it sit there. I still owed a lot of money on it. Luckily it sold fast, or it could have been sitting there for a lot longer.”